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"How do you get magic done with him as your magician ?"
Adam vaguely gestured to Ronan. Gansey indulged both with a smile— it gets done, somehow. Unlike Adam, Ronan does not struggle with his abilities and is therefore much more efficient, which he never fails to point out.
"How do you get anything from a dreamer who does not want to dream ?" Ronan mused.
His tone wasn't exactly sharp but the words cut. The ability to dream created of Adam's greatest inner conflicts. He could have everything and end his struggles within a few nights. Yet, it didn't feel fair. He kept doing it the hard way, because it didn't feel like he had earned it otherwise.
"Stop it," Adam snapped.
He felt the spell surrounding him, soothing his continuous pain. Gansey stood up.
"Try to get along. It's going to work better for each of you," he added before leaving the room with a hesitant step.
Everyone had noticed that it was already going well for Ronan. He had a special connection to the ley line and bent its power to his will. Adam did not want to dream for himself, and that's where the troubles start.
"Why are you still here ? You know that I hate reading cards unless it's heavily needed."
Adam defensively leaned back in his chair.
"I wasn't going to ask for that."
"Then what ?"
"It's not fit for me."
He struggled to express his idea and was also anxious about Ronan's upcoming sarcastic comment, which made it even harder to open up.
"The dreaming thing," he said. "I don't even control it properly. And here you are, generally being an asshole and wielding magic like a fucking piece of plywood or—"
Ronan raised a hand.
"Shut up or I'll make you."
Adam pursed his lips. He knew exactly why he had suddenly gotten so talkative and he wished he could hate Ronan for that. They both stood up.
"Need a ride ?"
"It's fine."
He was too worn-out to sugarcoat his lie with a random word of politeness. As expected, Ronan didn't let him get away with it. Adam's back soundlessly hit the wall. He caught Ronan's hand. Before he knew what he was doing, this nails were digging bloody crescents in Ronan's wrists.
"Why are you doing this to me ?" he hissed.
Letting go means being on the edge, and when Adam is on the edge, he hurts people. Just to make sure they won't mourn him if he jumps.
"Let go."
Adam knew that something greater than Ronan's wrist was discussed, which he ignored. These would leave scars at least for the next three days and Adam felt guilt twisting his stomach.
"Fuck off."
Ronan had stopped working his magic on him. Adam tried and failed to shove him away. His own anger was dazzling. It was enough to fight with himself, he didn't need to fight Ronan too. Another encounter he was meant to lose.
"I thought I was the one to have lost hearing on one side," Adam added.
"God, Parrish. It doesn't always have to be you against everyone else."
"What if I want it to be ?"
"Then, you're an idiot."
Adam weakly punched Ronan's arm, leading Ronan to pin his hands above his head.
"I'll give you a ride."
It was half an offer, half an order. Adam steadied his breath, considering the option of rejecting a friend or defying the Magician. He wanted to do both. He did none.
"Where to ?"
If Gansey drove, he was certain to end at St Agnes although he won't avoid the kind lectures and painful reminders that he was always welcome at Monmouth. If Ronan drove, then they could end up anywhere. Out of the state, in front of Aglionby, maybe even at the Barns.
Ronan shrugged, failing to keep a casual composure. He was torn between smug and victorious and despite his smile sending chills down Adam's spine, one felt as insufferable as the other.
"St Agnes," he started. "If you let me in."
Adam remained stubbornly quiet while Ronan drove. Ronan left him in his angry silence and so they went. Once again, Ronan's words had a deeper meaning but Adam ignored it to focus on what they meant at their most superficial level. It's not the first time Ronan had entered his room, but his visits were scarce.
Once they were inside, Ronan pulled a chair and left him to sit on the bed.
"You can take things. It doesn't hurt. So what is the problem ?"
"I can't ask for anything," Adam said. "It won't give it to me. It's like I'm not even heard."
"How do you ace your tests ?"
Adam raised a brow. Everyone knows that. He studies like that's all he has left, between two shifts at work.
"I study," he replied.
Ronan's question made him curious and he couldn't feign indifference anymore.
"How do I master my magic ?"
Adam shrugged helplessly despite having just said the answer. He didn't want to classify these things in the same field.
"I'm always working at it," Ronan replied. "A month ago, I wouldn't have been able to cast any spell on you. Give me another month and maybe you'll stop noticing."
"I do not want to master that," Adam retorted. "I'm scared, is it what you wanted to hear ? Go ahead, laugh at my expense."
Ronan came to sit next to him.
"I'm shit at this," he traced some abstract figures with his hands, "pep talk or whatever, which you know. Get a hold of yourself before I say something I'll regret."
"You wanted to get in," Adam reminded him. "Suffer in silence."
They laughed, nervous, sad and tired at the same time. Ronan slowly held his hand out. Adam considered it, adding new variables to an unsolvable equation. Fear made him reject Ronan twice and both have suffered greatly. Now he was losing the dreams, and himself.
"Ronan—"
"I get it," Ronan said, taking his hand back. "Suffer in silence."
"You shouldn't have to. I'm hurting enough for both of us, and maybe Gansey too."
Ronan studied the pink crescents on his wrist. It had stopped hurting. Adam wanted to protect everyone and he didn't want anyone to protect him. And that's what happens, because they're still attracted to each other. They collided with the same amount of strength they used in their attempts to stay apart.
He does not want to get too close to anyone because if the demon ever takes control, Adam does not stand a chance. Adam also isolates himself as he had not fully understood his ability yet. None of them seem fated to be alone. Yet they keep trying.
"Bring me something. Close your eyes, give it a chance."
"Just the dreams ?"
The first sentence should have made it clear. Adam had asked without giving it a proper thought and felt ridiculous about being spontaneous.
"No. Not just the dreams."
Adam nodded. Ronan didn't see him, still focusing on his bruises. He leaned against Ronan, resting his forehead on Ronan's shoulder.
"I'm sorry about your wrist."
Ronan glanced at him. He caught a curl and twirled it around his finger. Adam felt the gentle tugs as Ronan struggled to keep it.
"Just the wrist ?"
He released the rebellious strand of her. This curl kept the shape Ronan had given it. Adam sighed. He should sit straight and tell Ronan to go or take his hand once and for all.
"Not just the wrist," he confessed.
He opened his hand without quite offering it to Ronan. His half-inviting gesture was noticed, at least.
"You're lucky that I'm a self-destructive bastard," Ronan bluntly told him. "Otherwise, I'd have used my remaining bits of common sense to leave."
Adam kissed the bruises he left earlier, wishing it didn't feel so much like a stolen moment.
"I can— give you something to heal. Faster, I mean."
He didn't cut the skin, his nails weren't long enough for that. Ronan shrugged.
"Fine."
Adam couldn't kick him out of the apartment, or he didn't want to. He steadied his breath and summon the lingering tiredness in his bones. Breathe in. Ronan's shoulder isn't the most comfortable pillow. Breathe out. It doesn't matter.
"I've hurt a friend."
His surroundings are awake, somehow. They listen, waiting for his request.
"He needs something to heal his wounds. No— I need it."
Nothing changes but he knows that his request had been heard. He wills it to come true in his dream first, before willing it back
Finto reality. Easy, he thought. The glass bottle is small and too light. He wonders of he took the content as well. He doesn't fight his heavy limbs and focuses on suppressing his feeling of vulnerability instead. Ronan didn't move him while he was asleep. Hell, it's Ronan— if Adam didn't trust anyone with his life, he was close to trusting Ronan's feelings about protecting him.
"Take it."
Ronan frees the bottle from his lifeless hands. It contains some sort of powder. Adam had something more liquid in mind, but he'll be satisfied if it works.
He sat up to properly look at Ronan while he applied it. His wrist was back to normal within the next minute. Ronan looked as smug as ever. He had never doubted Adam's abilities— there's nothing miraculous here. He end up repeatedly tossing it in the air. At some point, Adam caught it before it fell in his palm. His arm found a way around Ronan's hips. They leaned against each other and remained like this for what felt like a long time.
They have already said everything.
"Is this the moment when I leave with the hope that you won't do anything stupid ?"
Adam didn't reply. Ronan stood up.
"Call if you need to."
"I will."
Ronan embraced the room with a last glance before exiting it without looking over his shoulder. A dreamer who does not want to dream and a magician who hates reading tarot cards, what a strange pair they're making.
He tossed Adam's bottle of powder a few more times. Then, he entered his car and dropped the bottle in the glovebox, despite still feeling compelled to throw it on the concrete.
Adam unexpectedly joins them for breakfast. He is worn out yet triumphantly throws a replica of Gansey's logbook on the table. He had been practicing. Ronan pulled a chair for him and stood up to get another cup.
"Any plans for the day ?" Gansey asked.
"I need to keep working on my hand-drawn cards," Ronan replied. "But guess I'll sleep first."
"Insomnia ?" Adam asked.
"Sort of."
That's as close to lying as Ronan Lynch gets. Gansey didn't call him out, drowning his surprise in honey and hot milk. Adam asked Ronan to have a word with him. More milk. At least, they weren't ignoring each other. It happened quite often, and always put a strain on their group.
"Just go, there's not much to clean," Gansey said.
"As if," Ronan aggressively countered.
They cleaned the table, then Gansey's writing supplies replaced the food and dishes. Adam and Ronan went upstairs.
"A word, Parrish."
It was a challenge. For some reason, Ronan enjoyed having Adam prove how smart he is in the most random ways. And Adam enjoyed proving his wits, submitting to the impromptu challenges more often than not.
"None."
Ronan furrowed his brows. Adam kissed him before he could solve the riddle. He pulled back too fast to let Ronan process what had happened.
"Are you sure ?"
It sound so silly once he had spoken the words. He wanted to take them back on the spot. Adam glanced down, then nodded. Ronan leaned forward. He felt the curve of Adam's lips but didn't dare to press more against it. He didn't dare to breathe, anxiously anticipating their separation. Adam cupped his cheeks, contemplating his wide eyes. They needed so many words, speaking none was probably the wisest decision.
"I'll be careful," Adam promised. "I won't hurt you more."
"You'll leave."
Ronan's words were less an accusation than a statement. Adam released his face. The back of their hands clumsily touched.
"I'll come back."
"Always ?"
"Without missing a beat," Adam nodded.
Ronan seemed satisfied with his vow.
"Fair enough."