Chapter Text
After the seelie queen and Magnus had left the Institute, the rest of their emergency downworld council meeting dissolved rather quickly. Luke exchanged a worried glance with Raphael and then said goodbye, heading towards the Jade Wolf so he could talk to his pack. The vampire himself was led to one of the guestrooms of the Institute by Isabelle, since he couldn’t exactly go home in the middle of the day. He shook hands with Alec and promised to alert his clan right away.
Jace and Clary took off soon after that, and Alec was left alone in the meeting room. He stood there for a few moments, unmoving, and stared at the table where they had sat just a few minutes ago, the banners representing the downworlders and the one with the Angelic Power rune waving lightly in the soft breeze that came in from Angel knew where.
He remembered setting up that table a few weeks ago, just after he’d been appointed Head of the Institute. He’d been so full of hope then, so sure that there could be real progress if only he found the right people, people who were willing to make change happen. He’d been so confident that he had found those people in Luke, Raphael, Meliorn…and Magnus.
“Now look where all that hope got you”, he said lowly to himself and then turned around, heading towards his office at first, but then choosing another hallway instead, the one that led to the sleeping quarters. Most of Alec’s work for the day was done and he didn’t want to see any other people right now.
+++
Alec was a practical guy. He’d always been. He didn’t care about details, as long as they didn’t concern demon hunting or important Clave assignments. It was a trait that characterized him – and that was also well displayed in his bedroom.
As opposed to the guest rooms, the quarters of the Institute’s permanent residents were all quite different from each other. They all came with the same standard furniture, but most of the shadowhunters usually adapted their rooms to their own tastes at some point.
Alec hadn’t. At least not a lot. Back when he’d moved in, he had gotten some curtains and carpets and at some point exchanged the standard double bed to a queen size so he could stretch out comfortably.
But apart from that, the room still looked pretty much like the same as any guest room in the Institute. The only indication that Alec lived here were his clothes in the cabinet, his toiletries in the bathroom and a couple of personal bits and pieces scattered across the room – like the framed photo of Jace, Izzy, Max and him on his nightstand or a piece of adamas from his very first stele (which Jace had stepped on and successfully broken a couple days after he’d gotten it).
Nothing too flashy, just a few things that mattered to him.
At least, that had been the case before he had started dating Magnus and the warlock had started sleeping here from time to time.
Most of the time Alec slept – had slept – at Magnus’ place. But from time to time, when Alec’s days at the office and Magnus’ list of clients had been long and the two of them too tired to portal or walk back to Brooklyn, they had just crashed in Alec’s room. And Magnus had left his marks in Alec’s room just like he had in his life. Like the dark blue suit jacket that hung from the back of the chair by the window. The extra toothbrush in the bathroom. The shiny purple silk scarf carefully folded on top of the dresser across from the bed. The delicate silver bracelet lying on his nightstand. Or the soft black cashmere sweater Magnus had carelessly thrown on top of Alec’s bed just a few days ago, now totally wrinkled since Alec had slept at the loft for the past couple of days.
Looking at those little traces of his ex-boyfriend – even thinking the word made Alec cringe in pain - made Alec’s chest tighten and his eyes burn with tears threatening to spill. He still hadn’t really processed what had happened in that hallway in front of the infirmary, hadn’t really let himself accept that whatever Magnus and him thought they’d had, was over.
It just hurt too much. Every time his gaze dragged over the remains of Magnus’ presence in his life scattered across his room, he felt like he was going to suffocate.
And yet, those small bits and pieces – the sweater, the bracelet, the jacket – were not even the worst. The worst thing was still waiting for him, lying on his desk, its bright blue color clearly standing out against the old Clave cases he had left it upon. It was a short strip of photos, taken from a photo booth in Japan. Four photos, four moments that had been not that long ago but still felt like they were from another life.
Alec sighed deeply when he strode over to the desk and picked the photos up, running his thumb over his favorite one – Magnus was looking straight into the camera, the hint of a smirk on his lips while Alec was sitting next to him, smiling at him with a wide grin and looking the happiest had probably ever been.
When his eyes started prickling with unshed tears again, he blinked them back and then sat down on his bed, the strips of photos still in his hands. He ran a hand through his hair and then, even though he knew better, let his heart win over his head as he dove into the memory of the day when they had gotten those pictures taken.
+++
It was a sunny day in Tokyo and Alec’s head was buzzing. And for once, it was not because he had worked too much. Actually, it was quite the opposite. Earlier this day, Magnus had shown up on his doorstep unannounced, dressed to the nines and with a sly smile pulling at his lips.
They had been seeing each other quite a lot recently, had gone out for dinner, met up for lunch or just spent time together for the sake of it, getting to know each other better day by day. Today, however, Alec had not been expecting Magnus as he’d been on a warlock conference in London.
“Magnus…what are you doing here?”
“The conference ended earlier, so I’m putting that extra time to good use and taking you out, Alexander. Come on, you’re taking the rest of the day off”, the warlock had announced, opening up a portal right next to him with a flick of his wrist.
Alec had just stared at him, astonished and frozen mid-movement in surprise. “What?”, he’d babbled, still too surprised by Magnus’ words to form a proper sentence.
“We’re going on a date, Alexander”, Magnus had chuckled and then walked over to where Alec was still sitting frozen at his desk, grabbed the shadowhunter’s hands and pulled him up and towards the portal. “And the best thing is – we’re not telling anyone where we’re going.”
And before Alec had the chance to protest, Magnus had pulled them into the portal.
Their first stop had been Prague, one of Magnus’ favorite cities, as he’d admitted once they’d stepped out of the portal. Magnus had shown him around the city, showing him his favorite spots. They’d grabbed coffee and then strolled around the old city center, taking a couple of selfies at the famous Charles Bridge. Then, Magnus had portaled them up to the castle and they’d enjoyed the view over the city from there.
Now, they were in Tokyo, walking hand in hand through the busy streets. They may have left New York in the late afternoon, but it had already been the morning of the next day when they’d arrived in Japan. And since both Alec and Magnus had been hungry, they’d grabbed some more coffee and breakfast at a bakery. They were just debating whether they should stay in town for the rest of the day or go someplace else, when Magnus suddenly squealed in delight and then all but dragged Alec towards what seemed to be a shopping mall across the street.
“One of my favorite interior stores is in there”, the warlock explained when he realized his date’s confused look once they’d entered the mall. “Would it be okay if we stopped there for a second? I want to redecorate my living room a bit and they might just have the things I need.”
“Sure, I don’t mind”, Alec shrugged and then followed Magnus through the halls, letting himself be pulled through the crowd while he tried not to step on anyone’s feet. Because of that, he almost ran into Magnus when the warlock suddenly stopped dead in his steps.
Alec looked around them and frowned. He may not speak Japanese, but he knew what a furniture store looked like – and there was most definitely none in their nearer environment. “Magnus, why are we stopping here?”
The warlock didn’t reply, just slowly turned toward him and smiled at him with a wicked spark in his eyes. He then nodded with his head towards the wall and Alec turned, seeing nothing but stores lining up next to each other, people walking from one shop to another…and, nestled into a corner not far from them, a photo booth.
Alec looked back at Magnus and tried to make his voice sound as firm as possible. “No.”
“Alexander, please. This has been a really great date so far. I’d like to remember that.”
“Nice try, Magnus. But there is no way you’re getting me into that thing. There’s not even enough space for both of us. And you would be wasting your money on stupid pictures.”
Magnus pouted. “But why would we be wasting it? We’re getting cute pictures in return!”
Alec let out a dry laugh. “Yeah, sure. For an insanely overpriced fee. Also, I don’t look good in photos.”
Alec was silenced by Magnus’ lips suddenly pressing up to his own. “Trust me, Alexander. You look quite spectacular today”, Magnus muttered against his lips when he pulled away. And then, without further ado, he tightened his grip on Alec’s hand and pulled him towards the photo booth.
Once they were in there, it took them a second to figure out how to do this. They were both not the shortest people in the world, and the small space had definitely not been designed for two people who were respectively at the verge or over 6 feet tall. Once the two had managed to squeeze onto the small bench in the photo booth, Magnus pulled the curtain closed and looked over to Alec. “You ready?”
The shadowhunter rolled his eyes, but smiled nonetheless. “As ready as I’ll ever be after being kidnapped by a warlock and pulled into a photo booth against my will.”
Magnus tutted disapprovingly as he leaned forward to slip a few coins into the machine in front of them, starting the count down for their first photo. “Now, Alexander, don’t make this something it isn’t. And now get your most beautiful smile ready, pretty boy.”
When the flash went off for the first time, they were both just smiling into the camera, sitting up close and next to each other. However, for the next shot Magnus wanted to shake things up a bit. While Alec stayed put, smiling into the camera, Magnus turned and wrapped his arms around Alec from behind. He dropped his head on Alec’s shoulders and looked into the camera with a hint of a smile, just as the flash went off for a second time. For the third photo, each of them made a face, resulting in Alec starting to laugh because they both looked so stupid. He barely managed to pull himself together before the flash went off one final time, resulting in a fourth photo that showed Magnus smiling and him in the background still laughing at the warlock.
“Now tell me in which of those beautiful pictures you look stupid, Alexander”, Magnus said as he looked at the two strips of photos that had been printed out for them. Alec stood behind Magnus and peeked over his shoulder, barely able to hide his smile when he saw the pictures – they actually looked good, cute even. He felt his heart flutter in his chest when he saw how utterly happy and carefree they looked. Not like a warlock and a shadowhunter who were trying their best to keep their world from falling into war, but like a normal couple, just two people in love.
“Admit it, you like them”, Magnus laughed as he caught Alec looking at the photos. He turned around and smiled up at the shadowhunter. “You wouldn’t be smiling so much if you didn’t.”
“Maybe I do. But tell you what – I like you even better in person”, Alec chuckled and then closed the remaining distance between them so he could finally kiss that smug smile off the warlock’s face.
+++
Alec didn’t realize when he had started to let the tears fall. Probably sometime through that painful memory of when Magnus and him had been a lot happier. It was not like it mattered. He’d been trying to hold himself together for the sake of his job and the Institute for almost a week now, he just couldn’t find it in him to care about how he looked on the outside anymore. It was not like anyone was watching him, anyways.
And lying to himself – or other people, for that matter – had never really gotten him anywhere. So he stopped pretending.
Stopped pretending that he was fine, quit playing the strong leader who couldn’t be bothered with such mundane things as heartbreak. Instead, Alec let all those feelings that had been stored up inside him for days out and let himself be flooded with suppressed emotions.
He sat on his bed, hunched over, the strip of photos in his hands, and cried like he hadn’t for years. Let it all out – the pain, the sadness, the anger about losing Magnus, the guilt for losing him like this, everything. He sat there and sobbed and for once in his life couldn’t care less about anything else than the pain of losing his boyfriend.
So when someone knocked at his door a couple of minutes later, he ignored it. For all he cared that moment, whoever was looking for him could take of their problems themselves.
He didn’t realize someone had entered his room until he heard the muffled sound of heels on carpet and noticed an all too familiar note of floral perfume in the air. The mattress dipped beside him and when he looked up, he looked straight into the dark, worried eyes of his sister.
“Oh, Alec”, Izzy breathed when she took in his pale face, reddened eyes and the tell-tale streaks of tears on his cheeks.
Alec could just shrug before another sob forced its way up his throat. He covered his face with his hands and tried to wipe the tears away, but it was no use – they wouldn’t stop falling. Alec heard Izzy sigh and a second later, he was wrapped up in a warm embrace. He hesitated for a moment, but then he let himself fall into it, wrapped his arms around Izzy, buried his face in her dark hair and hugged her tight. It wasn’t the embrace he craved so much, that one was way out of his reach, but it was warm and safe and it helped.
Wrapped up in Izzy’s arms like that, he finally managed to calm down a bit. He still felt like his heart had ripped itself apart, but at least the tears dried eventually and his breathing evened out.
“I’m sorry”, he sniffed once the worst was over and he could look at Izzy again, “for behaving like this.”
Izzy tilted her head to the side, her eyes full of sympathy. She brought her hand up to the side of Alec’s face and brushed her fingers over his cheek. “Don’t apologize for feeling awful. It’s only human. And even though we’re half angels and warriors and whatnot…you’re allowed to feel human, Alec.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I just miss him so much”, Alec admitted, voice raspy from crying. The second after the words had left his mouth, he realized that this was the first time he admitted it to himself and to others. The first time that he’d really, genuinely feel himself the loss that came with the love of your life walking away from you. And even though that still felt awful, it also felt good.
Alec let out a deep sigh. “It’s just…I don’t want to be without him. I know we’ve only been dating for a couple of months, but…it just doesn’t feel right when he’s not here.”
He grabbed Izzy’s hand, brushing his fingers over hers. “I love him, Izzy”, he said absentmindedly as played with a heavy gold bracelet Izzy was wearing instead of her usual snake bracelet. The material and color made his heart clench with nostalgia. This was something Magnus would wear.
When he looked up at Izzy again, her bright red lips were pulled into a sympathetic smile. “I know you do. He loves you, too.”
“Then why did he leave me? I know I messed up, but up until last week, we always somehow found our way through tough times.”
Izzy sighed. “I don’t know, big brother. But what I know is that the two of you belong together. You both had a lot to deal with lately…maybe all you need to do is give each other sometime. I see how you love Magnus and if he loves you even half as much, you will work through this.”
Alec’s shoulders slumped and ran a hand through his already mussed hair. “Well, I guess that’s all I can hope for right now.”
Izzy just squeezed his hand. “I suppose, yes.”
They sat next to each other in comfortable silence after that, Alec still lost in his thoughts. After a while, Izzy hugged him one more time and kissed his cheek, then got up to leave. Just as she was walking towards the door, the silence was disturbed by the buzzing of Alec’s phone in his pocket.
The shadowhunter frowned in confusion. He didn’t expect any more business calls for today, as he’d already spoken to both the Inquisitor and the downworld representatives.
And he was right – it was not a business call. It was Magnus.
Alec felt panic rise in his chest when he looked at his screen, Magnus smiling up at him from a photo he’d taken on that day in Tokyo. “Izzy, it’s him. What am I supposed to do?”
Isabelle just laughed. “What do you think? Pick up, of course”, she said and then turned around, walking towards the door. “Talk to him”, she called before the heavy door fell close and left him in silence again.
Not actually silence, since his phone was still buzzing. Alec looked at the photo of Magnus for a second, and then took a deep breath and swiped right to accept the call. What could go wrong? It was not like he had anything left to lose anyways.
His voice was full of hesitation nonetheless. “Hello?”
For a couple of moments, there was silence on the other end, the only noise Alec heard being slow breaths coming from the other end.
When Magnus finally spoke, his voice sounded equally hesitant and sad, but there was also something else in it, something Alec could not pinpoint right away.
“Alexander.”
It wasn’t until Magnus had breathed out that single word that Alec recognized that odd note in his voice.
It was hope.