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Ru: So then i said if those are your rates ill kill the child myself.
Ru: Shit we on?
Ru: Hello hello hello! Four weeks in, 12 bakers down to eight. They’re on a roll!
Ru: Welcome, to Rupaul’s Bake Off!
~
Ru: Alright ladies, how are we feeling today?
Laganja: Well actually i-
Ru: Hahahahaha thats wonderful!
Ru: For todays challenge you’ll all be making shortbread, and since our ratings went up by 4, we can actually afford real flour.
Trixie: We used washing powder. Magnolia Crawford died.
Ru: I hear your complaints. Magnolia’s family will be notified.
Trixie: Her body is still on the floor. We used her left leg for pie week.
Ru: Her death drop was sickening!
Ru: Are you ladies bready to make some shortbread?
*general mumbling*
Ru: Well on that note lets- WAKE UP PEARL.
Pearl: Im a dude that loves to snooze.
Ru: Gentlemen, start your ovens, and may the best woman, bake!
Pearl: where am i.
~
Ru: Alright Michelle what we looking for in a good piece of shortbread?
*Michelle grabs a tesco’s own brand tray of shortbread and cuts a piece in half*
Michelle: No soggy bottoms.
Ru: But Michelle i heard you love a soggy bottom!
*cackling from Michelle and Santino*
Ru: Now Santino, what are you looking for in a piece of shortbread.
Santino: I want to have a have a childhood flashback like in ratatouille.
Ru: Santino your fired.
Michelle: Its literally impossible to fuck up shortbread, I’m exited to see what these girls can turn out.
Santino: I think one of the contestants died last week.
Ru: You know michelle i completely agree. Ill be keeping my rye on them!
*more cackling*
Ru: Alright we only booked this room for half an hour get out.
~
Ru: lets see how some of these biological women are doin.
Ru: Sharon Needles, how it do?
Sharon: Hoh hoh its going great Ru!
Ru: Now I’m…seeing alot of plastic rings on the counter…whats that all about?
Sharon: See Ru, at greggs they serve their shortbread with fun plastic rings on top!
Sharon: I love greggs this is really a homage to that.
Ru: I uh…ok
Ru: So how about the Shortbread itself, how’s that coming along?
Sharon: I wanted it to have a spook-tastic theme!
*Ru nods*
Sharon: So i put live spiders in the mix.
Ru: Christ…
Ru: Alright ill let you get back to work thanks Sharon.
Sharon: Hoh hoh!
~
Ru: Katya, hows everything cooking?
Katya: Im making ravioli Ru.
Ru: But the challenge is to make shortbread.
*Katya leans in and whispers*
Katya: Ru ima level with you here, i ate all the flour.
*Ru sighs*
Ru: Alright can we get Katya another bag of flour?
Pit crew: We can’t she snorted it all.
Katya: Im so happy to be here!!!
Ru: For fucks sake. there were 20 bags of flour.
*Katya takes another drag of her cigarette*
Katya: Party.
Ru: Right Im going over there.
~
Ru: Leganjy estrangy, it smells great over here!
Laganja: Actually mawma its pronounced la-
Ru: Wonderful!
Ru: How are you approaching the classic shortbread recipie?
Laganja: Well mwahmah i baked my shortbread with pot cuz if it aint green i aint interested you best believe!
Ru: You smuggled marijuana on set??
Adore: Rupaul that was my weed she stole it!!!
Laganja: You fucking dickpig son of a spazzy cunt i didn’t take nothing.
Adore: You also stole my copious amounts of ketamine gurl, most unsportsmanlike…
*Laganja whips out her gun*
Laganja: You willing to die over this? Take it easy okuur?
*She aims the gun at adore’s temple and speaks in a soft voice*
Laganja: I feel very…attacked.
Ru: Oof i doughnut want to be caught up in this pickle. Take it easy…bake oven.
*Roaring laughter from Michelle*
~
Ru: Sasha Velour!
Ru: Make this quick I’m running out of food related puns.
Sasha: Want me to give you a quick run-through of what I’m making?
Ru: Sasha you bread my mind!
Ru: Oh i do got more.
Sahsa: I really wanted to get an in depth look at the inner workings of shortbread.
Shasha: So my piece will be a deconstruction of shortbread at its essence.
Ru: Its… just the raw ingredients and you’ve painted 3 of the eggs.
Sasha: plus i infused the oats with the tears of a crying dove.
Sasha: Its the future of baking man. Don’t even trip.
Ru: I have only just met you.
Ru: But i love you.
Sasha: Right on.
*Ru checks her casio sports watch*
Ru: ALRIGHT LADIES STOP BAKING WE’S DONE TIME’s UUupP.
Ru: Time to judge this shitshow.
~
*Ru Michelle and Santino look at all the trays. Santino begins to cry*
Michelle: Uh- lets start with Trixie mattel’s!!
Santino: So first off its fucking pink. And there’s bits of glitter sticking out of it.
Trixie: Yeah that glitter isn’t edible.
*Santino, Michelle and Ru take a bite*
Michelle: Why does it taste like regret and plastic?
Trixie: I melted 3 barbie dolls into the mix. I was feeling the fantasy.
*Santino begins to choke and collapses on the floor*
Ru: Sickening!
Michelle: Movin on.
Michelle: Bianca Del Rio, lets see what you made henny.
*Michelle picks up a tray of paper slips*
Ru: Tf is this.
Bianca: THEY’RE ALL INSULTS FOR LAGANJA ESTRANJA.
Bianca: I WANT TO SLASH HER FUCKING FACE.
Michelle: That went to a very dark place.
Bianca: I WILL ABSORB HER LIFE ENERGY AND RETURN TO THE SHADOW RELM.
*Michelle puts down the tray and looks at the rest of the trays*
Michelle: The rest of these aren’t even shortbread. Ru did you have to cast a group of twats, how do you fuck up shortbread.
Ru: Now seems like the perfect time to plug my new product.
Ru: It’s a literal piece of shit. Just a big chunk of shit.
Ru: Think of the…possibilities.
Adore: Did Santino die?
Ru: Now available on ebay. Bidding starts at ten quid.
Adore: He isn’t breathing.
Ru: While you think about the series of events that led you to this gig, the judges and i will deliberate.
*Ru looks over to Santino’s dead body*
Ru: Michelle and i will deliberate.
~
Ru: Alright so what do we think?
Michelle: Katya snorted all the flour then spat in a tray, Pearl is asleep inside the oven, Bianca keeps coming at queens with carving knives, I think i saw Trixie sample Katya’s tray of spit, Laganja has a loaded gun, Adore doesn’t belong here, Sasha is immaculate and i love her god bless and Sharon started coughing up blood.
Ru: The ‘steaks’ are higher than ever!
Michelle: And Santino Rice died.
Ru: Ive heard enough…Bring back my goirls.
*Michelle cackles*
~
Ru: Alright ladies…ive made my decision…
*Trixie raises her hand and Ru sighs*
Ru: Yes Trixie?
Trixie: Where’s Manila?
Ru: i-uh…oh shit yeah Manila was sposed to be here.
Ru: Manila?
*Manila pops her head out of a fruit bowl. She’d been disguised as a pineapple the whole time!*
Ru: Why you hiding gurl?
*Manila speaks through broken sobs*
Manila: Someone…someone left the cake out in the rain.
*shady rattlesnake noise*
Manila: I-I just don’t think that I can take it, coz it took so long to bake it.
*A single tear rolls down her pineapple cheek*
Manila: And I’ll never have that recipe again.
*Everyone hugs Manila and cries*
Ru: Mmm thats some good telly.
Ru: Alright I’ve made my decision…
Ru: Stacy layne Mathews, you are the star baker of this weeks challenge.
*Everyone applauds, and nods in agreement*
Stacy: Thanks. As they say back in the swamp, “i am in a swamp, but why?”
Ru: Preach sister.
Ru: Unfortunately…this is the hardest part of the competition…who will be eliminated.
Ru: So Im going to let Michelle Visage decide.
Michelle: Trixie you killed Santino Rice.
Michelle:…
Michelle: thank you. You are safe + immunity for next weeks challenge.
Trixie: Bitchin!
Michelle: You know what, ill cut to the chase. Hermione granger the stranger you can go home.
Laganja: mwwuuaaumahch, it’s pronouncéd lega-
Ru: Get out.
*Even louder applause as everyone else throws rotten tomatoes at a sobbing Laganja*
Ru: Thats not all…every guests here tonight…leaves with a piece of shit!
Ru: See you next week!
Ru: LET THE MUSIC PLAEEH!!
*Everyone shuffles about to the sound of ambient rainforest noises.*