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“Please somebody help her she’s not breathing!”
This can’t be happening. Not to her, not to Nicole. No no no no-
“Stay with me baby, stay with me you’re gonna be fine okay? You’re gonna be fine!”
Who am I really trying to convince here?
It’s all a blur when Waverly sees them wheeling Nicole away. She feels Wynonna wrap her arms around her, asking to know what happened. But all she can do is sob.
This isn’t happening. It can’t be happening.
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I’d like to say I’m ok
But I’m not
I try but I fall
Close my mind
Turn it off
But I can’t be sober
I cannot sleep
You’ve got your peace now
But what about me?
She hits the power button on the old radio with a bit more force than necessary.
Not the time for that damn song. Not today. Not yesterday. Not ever.
She sighed and tilted the bottle back to take another swig. She thinks it’s her third. Could be fourth. Or fifth.
Who even cares? Maybe if I drink enough it’ll kill me. At least then it’ll stop.
Two days. It had been two days since her world came crashing down.
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She’d gone to get Nicole’s favorite book. A ragged old copy of Treasure Island with the binding half falling apart and some pages taped back in. It was well loved.
Always such a kid inside.
She was only gone for ten minutes. Just ten minutes. Nicole had been asleep when she left. Everything had been fine.
Nothing was happening.
But when she got to the lobby and saw the nurses running. Shouting CODE BLUE she knew it was not. Nothing was fine.
Nothing will ever be fine.
She remembers running after them but it was like a dream. The air was molasses and her legs wouldn’t move fast enough.
No one was fast enough.
She remembers screaming. She can’t remember if she screamed any words, but Wynonna embraced her, and held her up as her knees collapsed with the deafening flatline screaming from her love’s room.
It wouldn’t stop. Why wouldn’t it stop.
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“Baby Girl.”
She didn’t even have to turn to know Wynonna was here. She didn’t think she could speak anyways.
“Waverly.”
She heard her sister walk up behind her and felt her hand rest gently on her shoulder. Gentle, but strong.
Lord knows I’m not.
“It’s time I took you home.”
She still didn’t move. Her home was dead anyways.
I killed her. It’s my fault.
“Look, Waverly, I have something from the hospital you may want….just to hold on to.”
At the break in Wynonna’s voice Waverly turned. In her sister’s hands was that ragged old copy of Treasure Island, with the binding half falling apart and some pages taped back in.
Her breath hitched in her throat as she gently took the treasured old book. With shaking hands she flipped open the cover. Written on the title page in neat black letters, where they had been for the past 12 years was the name-
Nicole Haught
And running her fingers over that script she broke again. Broke into Wynonna’s waiting arms.
Thought we had the time, had our lives
Now you’ll never get older, older
Didn’t say goodbye, now I’m frozen in time
Getting colder, colder
One last word
One last moment
To ask you why
You left me here behind
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“No matter what happens…I need you to know….that I have never loved anyone the way that I love you.”
“Ohh g-you know what? Nope. We’re not doing this. We’re- we’re gonna find a way to stop the toxin, okay? You’re gonna be just fine. You’re gonna be fine.”
She will never be fine.
Waverly couldn’t say it. Because if she said it, it wouldn’t just be “I love you”.
It’d be “I know you will die. You are dying. And soon you will be gone.” And no matter what, she could never, ever say those words.
Because then it would all be real.
And this wasn’t happening.
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You said you’d grow old with me
We had plans
We had visions
Now I can’t see ahead
We were one
We were golden
Forever you said
Seven days. Seven days since her world came crashing down. She walked slowly around the bedroom. They were here to start organizing her possessions, Wynonna said.
I won’t touch a thing. I won’t erase her.
Her eyes fell to the nightstand, and the picture perched by the lamp atop it. Their smiling faces seemed foreign.
Never again.
She reached for the picture and slowly caressed that soft smile she knew too well.
You said you would be by my side forever.
A bang interrupted her lost thoughts as the bedroom window swung open with a strong gust. Before she could react, the papers ordered on Nicole’s window-side desk were flying in the air, falling to the floor.
You cannot erase her.
Waverly placed the picture down carefully and rushed to close the window before it could cause any more disruption. Her feet moved to avoid what papers had settled on the hardwood.
You will not erase her.
With the window secured she took a shuddering breath.
The world will erase her.
And with that she fell to the floor. Because all she could do was sob.
She’s gone forever.
It’s only through watery vision she sees the symbols sketched on one of the fallen papers. Pulling the page closer into view her eyes grow big.
Loa.
Another page by her feet has more symbols, and another notes.
Baron Samedi.
She takes a deep breath. And for the first time in weeks-
She smiles.
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But I can’t be sober
I cannot sleep
You’ve got your peace now
But what about me?