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Childbirth was horrible. Hanji couldn't believe anyone could ever say it was anything else. Calling a child beautiful, she could get, but the act of childbirth was utter agony and terror.
Levi seemed to express the same sentiment about it, finding the whole process rather revolting to watch. In his words, 'it looked like you were taking a really big shit'. The brunette woman had been too exhausted to tell him to zip it, wearily watching as the half-deaf midwife they hired packed up her things, and left their room. The sullen man's grey eyes glanced out the window, seeing the woman leaving the inn, walking down the street.
Perhaps it was wrong to call them such adult terms as 'man' and 'woman', seeing as both were only 16, Hanji nearing 17. But fact resting that there was a child in the picture, at least for now, they weren't children anymore.
Hanji slid her glasses on her face, bags under her eyes. She'd not slept for about 20 hours, and as exhausted as she was, her body was too buzzed to let her drift off for more than a few minutes at a time.
The infant was currently wriggling on a blanket that had been folded in a box, squawking, face wrinkled and sour. Ugly ass thing, Levi thought, with the slightest snark. The matted clump of hair looked like a weed on dry, cracked earth, in need of being tamed. Levi had a hard time believing that there was anything beautiful about the writhing brat, who looked like a sausage fresh from boil.
Hanji's sentiment was more of the same. But slightly different. She was slightly proud of herself for making such a lively thing, especially from such a stoic soul that was Levi. She managed to get all the parts right, with the ten tiny fingers and toes, and the red warm belly. There didn't seem to be any mistakes. Yet.
"Hand him to me, Levi, I want to hold him.", she suddenly spoke, voice shot.
"We can't keep him, Hanji.", he responded blankly, looking over at her.
"I want to hold him.", she repeated, arms stretched out.
Without a single word or expression, he did so, handling the squirming child like a large wrapped cut of meat. She took him in her arms just like the midwife instructed. Supporting his head with her arm, she looked at him as his tiny wet mouth quivered and whined. She didn't know if that was a sign he was hungry or not.
"Do you think he'll have your eyes, or mine?", she asked, still examining the newborn.
"Why are you asking me as if we'd be keeping him? We're not.", he firmly grunted.
"I'm just asking what you think his eyes might be.", she rasped.
"I don't know, and frankly don't care, Shitty Glasses.", he scowled softly as he used the nickname he'd coined just for her, wishing she'd stop asking these questions, as if she'd try convincing him to let them keep this child.
When he answered, she simply looked down at the baby, mumbling, "Maybe he'll get my eyes. Maybe neither of ours. That's possible. I mean, I don't have either of my parents' eyes-"
"What I'm wondering is why you're so focused on these pandering bullshit questions, and not on the fact at hand that we need to get rid of this baby in a week.", he cut her off sharply.
She looked up, lips tightened to a thin line, "I know that, I just want to get some sort of connection with him.", she explained.
"And what good will that be for? How will that fucking help us get to the top ranks of the survey Corps?", he began to interrogate.
"Calm down, Levi, Jesus fuck!", she hissed, not wanting to hurt her voice, or make the baby cry.
"I'm being realistic here! You can try and have fun playing house here, but the fact of the matter is we only have enough goddamn money to stay here for the week, and for that fucking midwife, and we cannot bring the brat with us! I managed to keep this little secret of ours in the sand without either of us getting kicked out for intimate relations with a fellow soldier, and making sure the goddamn commander allowed us to leave on long notice of some bullshit training exercise excuse I made up. I risked my chances of ever being a corporal, and lied for you!", he ranted, glaring her straight in the eyes.
"Stop blaming this on me! You're the one who got me into this!", she snapped back, "Do you realize how hard it was to hide the fact I was pregnant from everyone, even the commander?"
"I'm surprised you didn't shoot your fat mouth off and say anything!", he snarled back with contempt.
The baby began to fuss at the noise. Hanji snapped, "Stop it, you're upsetting him, he-"
"I DON'T CARE!", he finally yelled, gripping her free wrist in his hand like a steel vice. She winced, "Let go!"
"We're not keeping him!", he snarled in her face, her face twisted in anger and pain from his grip.
"I know that already!", she shouted hoarsely, "Let me go, you're hurting me!"
The shorter was in silence, the sound of the baby's cries filling the room, echoing on the wood walls. He immediately let go of the other trainee's wrist, retracting his arm quickly, slightly taken aback. Even with his harshness of words, he never meant to cause her physical distress.
She glared up at him from her bed, and after quieting and settling the baby back in his makeshift bassinet, she rubbed her wrist, and spoke, voice harsh as if gravel ran across her throat, "I know we can't keep him. We're too young, and we're devoted to the duty of mankind. I'm at least trying to show some sort of compassion to our son, in the smallest likeliness that he doesn't receive what he deserves. If you're not willing to agree with that, then tough shit. You can leave.", she settled.
Upon receiving no response from him, only a blank, contemplative stare, she rolled onto her side, finding it best comfortable, "We'll look for places tomorrow. If you decide not to help, you can go back to the barracks, and tell the commander I'll be back by the end of the week.", she finished.
Levi watched as she curled up. He almost expected her to start crying, but she remained quiet, almost in thought, as she closed her eyes.
Sighing, he slowly crawled under the covers with her, wrapping an arm around her, "Zoë, you are the most batshit crazy woman on this planet, and your spawn will carry it wherever it goes."
"Don't touch me, I'm still sore all over.", she grumbled, half asleep.
Three days in, Levi was unsuccessful in his search for a suitable place to grant asylum to the baby, which still had no name. It didn't matter anyway, whoever took him in could do the honor of naming him. The innkeepers had offered to watch the baby until Levi got back that evening. When he returned, Hanji had yet to return, leaving him alone with the baby. It seemed irresponsible of her to him, to leave the baby that was less than a week old alone. And to go out less than a day after birth. What if she collapsed or something? Regardless, she insisted on going out to search.
When she came back that evening, she was worn out, but looking quite intrigued. "I think I've found a good candidate. He looks like he's a doctor. And he has a good sized house."
"You've been stalking a stranger?"
"I've been observing him this week.", she smiled proudly.
"Shitface, spying on individuals isn't going to help us find a good place. Besides, what if he doesn't want the baby? What if he doesn't have a wife? Or if he does, and other kids?"
"Give me another day, OK?", she sighed.
"It would be best if you tried to find orphanages or homes for boys.", he grumbled.
Hanji did not answer, simply frowning.
The next day, she came back with a smile, "He has a wife."
"and? Are they both young?"
"Pretty young.", she nodded.
"No kids?", he mumbled, looking at their son, who was staring at him curiously with dark eyes.
"Not from what I see. Do you think it will work?"
"Probably not. How often do you think people will accept random babies? They'll probably dump him at some orphanage.", he spoke, still focusing his gaze on the baby.
"They can't.", she frowned, "They won't. He's a doctor, I see his medical tools. He must have some skill with kids."
"What if they don't want to keep him?", he inquired.
She rubbed the bridge of her nose, "They'll want to keep him once they see him.", she mumbled, Then admitted, "I want to keep him. But I'm devoted to humanity, and the corps. And I'm too young to be a mom. Even if I wanted to be one, it wouldn't work now...I already know I love this baby, but it's not going to work if I keep him. I want to give him the shot at life he needs. He might not make it in an orphanage or boys home. If this guy is a doctor, maybe he understands. And maybe his wife too.", she shrugged, "Sorry, I'm rambling."
Levi watched her, then gave a mirthless chuckle, "Shitty Glasses, you manage to be both insightful and soggily corny at the same time. Congratulations."
She sighed, deciding it was a good enough response, "If I take you to watch them tomorrow, will you decide with me? To decide if this is the best?"
He looked at the brunette, then the baby, whose dark hair was fluffy now, sticking out in odd ends. "You're the one who shit him out, you decide what's best."
It was raining the following evening, and the whole district seemed to be solemnly quiet. Hanji peered out from under the hood of her coat, rain dripping from it. She saw the house, with dimly lit windows, across the street from the alley she'd taken to hiding in. She looked at Levi, who was hunched beside her, then the infant, who was quiet, curiously staring at the rain. They'd been there for the last hour, watching the young couple live out their lives in the house.
"They certainly will bear resemblance to him.", the grim looking man mumbled, "Might find no reason to tell him he was adopted."
Hanji nodded, glasses dirty from rain and grime, "And if they do, I just hope he doesn't think we're abandoning him."
"Aren't we though?"
"If we abandoned him, we wouldn't be doing what's best.", she responded quietly. She sighed as she saw the sky get darker. This was it. She looked to Levi, "Do...you want to say anything to him before we let him go?"
Levi swallowed thickly, then spoke quietly, almost softly, "Be good for us. Your mother is doing this for the best, she really does love you.", he mumbled, never saying a word about how he might love the infant. He'd never go that far as to say that.
Hanji nodded, and mumbled, almost ready to cry, "I'm really sorry we can't keep you, you're such a good baby.", she mumbled, looking him in the eyes.
And with that, she got up, swiftly moving across the street, and placed the wrapped bundle of cloth on the covered part of the porch. As soon as she let go, the baby began to cry, wondering why his mother was letting him go. His hand rose, and Hanji's heart nearly broke. "I'm sorry.", she almost cried, quickly fleeting back to where Levi stood.
She wiped her eyes, looking at Levi, who looked back, and spoke quietly, "If things had worked, you would have been a fucking fantastic mother."
She blinked, then smiled tiredly, soul empty, and in need of familiar surroundings to be filled, "Let's go home early."
Ten minutes after they had left, a baby was heard wailing, and was found on the doorstep of Dr. Grisha and Carla Yaeger. They immediately carried him in from the cold.