Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Happy

The minute Peter arrived in the Avengers' lab, he knew something was off.

For one thing, Mr. Stark was in some kind of funny looking polka dotted, gray pajamas and Peter's Spidey suit wasn't laid out on the table like it usually was when an upgrade was scheduled.

"That's not my new suit is it?" asked a worried Peter, his eyes trailing all over the pajamas.

Mr. Stark glanced up at him, confusion flashing across his face. "What?" He glanced down at his unusual garb. "Oh, no. This is for Bruce. If he ever comes crawling back here. What are you doing here? In the neighborhood, thought you'd stop by?"

It was Peter's turn to be confused. "We have an upgrade scheduled. You texted me, remember?"

"Oh, crap. I forgot." Mr. Stark glanced around, thinking about what to do. "Come back in two hours."

Peter's eyes widened. "Two hours? What am I gonna do for two hours?"

Mr. Stark cocked his head. "Hmm." His eyes brightened. "I'll put you on Happy Time." He turned away from Peter. "Fri, have Happy come to the lab."

Peter immediately understood what Mr. Stark had in mind and began to protest.

"Mr. Stark, I don't need Happy to babysit me. I mean, we don't need to bother him. I saw him on my way up here. He was on Downton Abbey Time and I don't really wanna interrupt such an intimate… screening. I can just do my homework while I wait."

Mr. Stark put up a finger, effectively silencing Peter's babbles. "Let me stop you there because the words that are coming out of your mouth make me want to hurl. A: Homework's boring. They still give those out? B: Happy's seen all the episodes of Downton Abbey, he won't be missing anything. And C: last time I left you without supervision, you hacked a multi-million dollar suit and went after a supervillain."

Peter folded his arms and nodded. Mr. Stark had a point there.

Peter's relationship with Happy had somewhat improved after the Vulture fiasco, but Peter knew Happy wouldn't be keen on watching him for two hours. Especially not if he could spend those hours watching his favorite TV show.

A minute later Happy walked in, not too pleased at his Downton Abbey marathon having been disrupted.

"He's on Happy Time," Mr. Stark said to Happy by way of an explanation. Either he saw the look on Happy's face and didn't care or he saw the look on Happy's face and wanted to exacerbate matters. "Two hours. Think you can handle that?"

Happy gave Mr. Stark a deadpan look. "What are we gonna do for two hours?"

Peter nodded. "That's what I said!"

Mr. Stark shrugged, turning to the heads-up display and studying the data that the Hulk Pajamas must be giving out.

"I don't know, learn how to drive a car. You're a teenager. You must be dying to get behind the wheel. Two hours and I swear I'm all yours."

Peter and Happy turned to look at each other.

This was going to be some two hours.
...

"I'm driving that?" asked an incredulous Peter, his lips quirking upwards. His apprehension at spending two hours with a sour Happy turned into excitement.

He and May have gone driving before in parking lots, so he wasn't really looking forward to relearning how to drive even if it was in the Avengers' compound. But driving an Audi, that's... Wow.

The last Audi he drove had been stolen from Flash. The fact that he was chasing after Liz's dad at the time also meant he didn't get to milk that car for what it's worth. It had barely even registered to him that it was an Audi.

Peter continued to stare at the Audi. If his memory served him right, this was Mr. Stark's car—a prototype. Audi wasn't even selling this yet!

Peter exhaled. "That's worth more than May's apartment!"

But Happy was probably too used to the once-in-a-lifetime Audi that he barely empathized and simply told Peter to get in the car.

"Can I just— a photo— Ned would freak!"

Peter giddily took a selfie of himself with as much of the car as he could fit in the background. Then he took another one of the car alone. He sent it to Ned with the message, "GUESS WHO'S TAKING DRIVING LESSONS IN THIS BABY?"

"Get in the front seat," said Happy a second time, the impatient tone he used was something Peter was more than familiar with. Sometimes, Happy reminded him of an annoyed older brother.

Peter cautiously approached the car. He ran his palm over the car door, his fingers cradling the door handle.

Happy gave him a blank stare. "You know you've ridden in this before."

Peter shrugged. "I know. But I was just a passenger during those times. Now, I'm the driver." He said the word in an exalted whisper.

Finally, they both slid inside the front seats of the car.

As soon as Peter shut the car door, his hands approached the wheel. He caught himself midway and drew his hands back, going instead for the seatbelt.

He checked his mirrors and then looked at the array of buttons on the dashboard. Unfamiliar buttons.

He turned to Happy.

"I've never driven an Audi before," Peter lied. Happy didn't need to know the last Audi he drove got wrecked. "I've only ever driven May's Honda."

Peter turned to look at the buttons again. He had a sudden yearning to have Karen in the car with him. Give him a refresher course.

Happy took a breath and proceeded to point out what the buttons do.

Peter nodded, taking particular attention to the button that said "AUDI AI." He bounced in his seat in anticipation.

His phone beeped and Peter took it out to read what Ned texted back.

Then his phone was snatched from his hands.

"Rule number 1," said Happy, "No texting while driving."

"But I wasn't even driving!" exclaimed Peter and then added, "yet."

"It's a preventive measure. Come on. Show me what you got so far."

Peter grinned. He started the car, took a moment to relish in the smooth vibrations, and then he began to drive out of the parking lot.

Beside him Happy nodded, impressed.

"May taught you well."

Peter shrugged off the praise. Then feeling a little bit bold, he pressed the AUDI AI button and watched as the auto-drive function rotated the wheel for him.

Peter gave Happy a triumphant, proud look.

Happy shook his head, unimpressed. "Don't do that."

"Why not? You did it before!"

"Because I know how to drive. And you don't. You need to learn how to drive before you do that."

Peter sighed, disabling the function and placing his hands back on the wheel. "But what's the use of crawling before walking when you can run?"

Happy frowned, his eyebrows knitting together. "What does that even mean? Did Tony teach you that?"

"No. But I mean, if you have a car that can drive itself, why not just let it?" Peter looked at Happy.

"Eyes back on the road." Peter did as he was told while Happy continued, "Because in an emergency, you need to learn how to drive."

"I have spider powers. I think I'm good during an emergency."

Happy snorted. "Alright. What if you're in a patch of land, without any trees or skyscrapers to swing on and you're chasing a bad guy. You need to drive a car. The first car you see doesn't even have an auto-drive function. But you can't drive it because you didn't learn how to like a normal person."

"I see your point." Peter conceded. After a moment's silence, he said, "You know what's cool about a self-driving car?"

Happy looked like he would rather Peter kept driving and shut up, but he humored the teenager. "What?"

Peter glanced at Happy and smirked. "I can change into my suit while it drives itself."

Happy admitted with a lopsided quirk of his lips that that was an advantage.

"I mean, think about it! No more ducking into alleys. I can cut the transport time by a minute! I could be like Mr. Incredible when he was on his way to his wedding but had to take a detour because a cat was stuck up the tree. D'you remember that scene?"

The stare Happy gave him said a lot about what he remembered.

"You've never seen that movie? That movie was legendary!" Peter calmed himself. "But it's cool if you've never seen it. You're more of a period film kind of guy, right?"

Peter didn't think Happy was going to reply but then the big, burly man admitted that he's seen The Incredibles and it made Peter's heart swell with pride.

"Hey can I bring my friend Ned over sometime?" asked Peter suddenly, remembering what his friend texted him before Happy took his phone away. "He wants to drive the Audi too. I bet he's gonna have a cargasm when he sees this. He knows cars my Ned."

"I'm not letting your weirdo friend climax in this car."

Peter started, narrowly swerving out of the lane. "Ew! What? Ew! No! That was an expression! It's not literally— ugh! Gross!"

Happy allowed a triumphant smile to grace his face at the look on Peter's face.

Peter glanced at him and caught on. "That was so not cool. I was about this close to ruining Thor's Asgardian lawn designs."

They continued to drive around the compound, with Happy occasionally reminding Peter to use turn signals.

Finally, Happy decided it was time to practice parking.

"Check this out, my young Padawan," said Happy, leaning over to press another button on the dashboard.

Peter's jaw dropped.

The car was parking by itself.

But Peter wasn't thinking about that, although the auto-park function was pretty cool, he'll admit. But besides that, he was thinking more about the Star Wars reference Happy just made.

Peter grinned. The Incredibles and Star Wars?

Sometimes Happy reminded him of a cool older brother.

Chapter Text

Rhodey

"Peter?" Tony called out, walking in the laboratory.

Friday had told him Peter had arrived five minutes ago—two hours earlier than their scheduled meeting time, which warranted some investigation.

Tony's eyes scanned the entire room. He didn't notice the backpack left haphazardly on the floor.

A few steps forward and he stumbled over it. With a curse and painful howl (what was in that thing?), he hobbled on one leg.

When he retained his footing, he yelled out, "PETER, WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT LEAVING YOUR STUFF ON THE FLOOR?"

"Who's Peter?"

Tony looked up with a scowl. It faded when he saw Rhodey standing by the doorway, a grin on his face. Rhodey had never seen Tony hobbling and shouting at the ceiling before. The sight was comical. It sort of reminded him of Tony... as a dad.

"My intern," grumbled Tony.

Rhodey raised an eyebrow, walking in the lab. Months of physical therapy and Rhodey had taken to the exoskeleton legs like a pair of new jeans.

"You have an intern? Since when do you take interns?"

"Since Germany."

Rhodey wondered if hiring interns was a result of losing Cap and the others.

"You sure he's an intern? You talk to to him like he's twelve."

"Believe me. Sometimes, he is."

"Huh?"

There was a blur of movement as something came running into the room. It was a teenager and he skidded to a stop right in front of Tony who wore a look of exasperation on his face.

Tony folded his arms and pointed to the bag on the floor. "What did we talk about?"

"I'm sorry!" said the teenager sheepishly. "It's just Happy was gonna show me some more features in the Audi and I got excited."

"That's not an excuse. Am I to expect you to leave the suit lying around when you're excited too? Wait," Tony eyed the kid suspiciously. "You arrived two hours early because Happy promised you could drive the car? Since when did the two of you like spending two hours together?" The kid opened his mouth to reply but Tony said, "Don't answer that. And here I thought you wanted to spend more time with me."

The kid, who Rhodey assumed was the sometimes 12-year-old intern named Peter, began to look a bit guilty.

"Mr. Stark."

"No, it's fine." Tony dismissed it with a shrug. "Kids leave. Change loyalties. No need to feel bad about it."

Tony checked his watch. "You better be back here by 5."

Peter's expression changed from guilty to excited in an instant. "I promise."

"Don't forget to grab a snack at the kitchen before coming back here," added Tony. "I don't want you all moody and sluggish just because you forgot to feed your insane metabolism."

Rhodey swallowed back a laugh. Was Tony actually doing this right now? Setting a curfew, giving reminders to eat? There was clearly more than just a boss-intern relationship going on in here.

"Be back here with a stomach full of food by five o'clock," repeated Peter. "Got it."

Peter almost dashed out before remembering something. He grabbed his backpack and placed it over the table.

"See you later, Mr. Stark!" Peter waved at Tony. He turned around only to finally notice Rhodey standing a few feet away. The kid froze in awe.

"You're— you're— War Machine!"

"You must be Peter, Tony's intern." Rhodey extended a hand. "Nice to meet you."

Peter's mouth was still agape when he shook Rhodey's hand. Finally, he managed to close his jaw and then open it again to say, "Wow. I'm shaking hands with War Machine."

Tony huffed. "Oh, great, now you're on Rhodey's side." He rolled his eyes. "Kids nowadays. They have the attention span of a newborn puppy."

"Hey!" cried Peter, but there was still a smile on his face. He turned back to pilot. "I- I'd love to stay and and and chat. But Happy's waiting. Nice to— Good to meet you, War Machine!"

He calmly walked out the lab, occasionally throwing Rhodey yearning looks before he disappeared around the corner.

Rhodey glanced at Tony. "Twelve, huh?"

"Yep."

"Seems too young for an intern," was what Rhodey said. But he implied something else. I don't believe he's your intern at all. What's going on here?

Tony shrugged. He caught the unspoken statement for what it was, but he wasn't going to reveal anything. It wasn't his place. It was up to Peter.

"Age is just a number, colonel."

The following days later, Peter was a regular at the Avengers Facility. He hung around Rhodey a lot, much to Tony's annoyance.

"First, it was me. And then it was you. And now it's Jim," he complained bitterly to Happy. They were watching Peter show Rhodey some flight simulations on a computer.

Happy snickered. "You're just jealous."

"I'm not."

Happy bobbed his head. "Betrayed."

"I'm really not!" Tony insisted before turning on his heels and leaving the room. A grinning Happy followed.

"How do you know so much about this?" asked Rhodey, looking up from the computer screen and at the teenager who had just taught him how to get better flight momentum with the new exoskeleton legs.

Peter Parker was only fifteen—not twelve—and already Rhodey could see the kid could be counted among the likes of Tony Stark and Bruce Banner.

Peter took the pencil in between his teeth and tapped it on the edge of the table. "Uh… physics, man! Always physics. Except for Captain America's shield. That thing does not obey the laws of physics. It turns and comes right back, packing an even harder punch! Mr. Stark won't tell me what he put in it to make it that way. It still keeps me awake at night just trying to…"

Peter trailed off, slowly clamping his mouth shut, regretting everything that just came out of his lips.

He looked away from War Machine and flinched at his own carelessness. Sometimes he forgot that everyone didn't know his secret identity. It was hard not to get carried away when you were surrounded by members of the Avengers and in the Avengers Facility no less.

Rhodey eyed Peter suspiciously.

"How do you know about Cap's shield?"

Peter nervously looked at the pilot. "Um... YouTube?"

A look of realization dawned on Rhodey. Tony said Peter's been his intern since Germany and if memory serves him right, there was one memorable costumed hero in that airport who took Captain America on.

"You're him, aren't you? Spider-Man. I knew Tony didn't have an intern!"

"Please don't tell, Mr. Rhodes!" begged Peter. "I like being a secret."

Rhodey gave him a skeptical look. If Rhodey had the War Machine suit when he was 15, keeping it a secret would be the last thing on his mind. He'd have every person in school know.

Peter seemed to know what Rhodey was thinking because he amended, "Well, not really. Sometimes it really sucks having to lie to people and being bullied, when I can just easily fight them off with one hand. But I sort of understand the need for it, y'know. Because I can't abuse these gifts and use it for personal gain!"

Rhodey smirked. This kid's moral compass was way more advanced than Rhodey's or Tony's was at 15.

Finally getting the secret off his chest seemed to make Peter's tongue loose and he continued to share stuff with Rhodey.

"Did you know my aunt gave Spider-Man a curfew? Yeah! Peter Parker can stay out until 10 with friends but Spidey gotta check in at 9. I mean, how does that even work? Man!" he sighed. "But it's sort of a relief not having to hide anything from her anymore. It was stressing me out having to sneak out at night and coming back and having to explain bruises. I was so stressed, I got acne! Although, that may have been because of the suit. It can get sweaty in there during the summer."

Rhodey tried to hide a grin. On the one hand, he's grateful he didn't have those kinds of problems at 15, and on the other hand, the kid clearly didn't know when to stop talking.

"The fact that Mr. Stark knows helps too. He's like the cool, long lost relative I never had, y'know? Like a cousin or a godfather." Suddenly Peter sat rod-straight and exclaimed, "Oh, my God. He is the godfather. I just tell him the name of the enemy of the week and he'd go and take care of it! He's Godfather!"

The expression of pure joy on his face for having realized it was amusing to Rhodey. The kid clearly thought Tony being something akin to a godfather was the best idea ever. But Rhodey had never seen Tony as a godfather to Peter. From the moment he saw Tony yelling for Peter to pick up his backpack, Rhodey's always had something else in mind.

"Or he's your dad," Rhodey supplied.

Peter frowned. "My dad? Nonono. I have a dad. Had. He's dead. It's fine. I made my peace with it. And dads, I'm told, aren't cool like Mr. Stark. Dads make corny dad jokes which Mr. Stark never does." He suddenly grew quiet, having thought of something. "Except that one time when he met my friends, but that was once."

Rhodey simply nodded, waiting for Peter to adjust to the idea.

Any time now, he thought.

"And dads embarrass you which Mr. Stark has never– but he did make me wear Hello Kitty pajamas. Okay. That's a one-off. And dads give you sermons which Mr– ugh. You're right." Peter propped his elbows on the table, his chin resting on his hands. "Oh, my God. He is my dad."

Peter began to stare off into space. His thoughts were probably a whirl from the realization.

Rhodey patted the kid on the shoulder, sympathetically. "You take a minute."

It's not everyday you realize that Iron Man's your dad, Rhodey added mentally.

Peter recovered after a moment. "I never thought of Mr. Stark in that way. But I guess it was only natural given the amount of time we spend together. And I mean, he is my mentor. Mentors are fatherly." He nodded to himself. "Oh, wow. I have another dad. Wait till I tell Ned!"

"Congratulations," said Rhodey. "It's a dad."

Chapter Text

Pepper

"But Mr. Stark!" protested Peter, rushing to catch up to his mentor.

"It's the mission of a lifetime," said Mr. Stark, barely slowing his pace.

"Exactly! I could help!"

Mr. Stark looked back at Peter. "Wasn't talking 'bout my mission. I was talking bout yours."

Peter gave his mentor a dry stare. "You want me to stay here and keep a fully capable adult company. How is that a mission of a lifetime?"

"Don't give me that look. There are a few people that I trust to keep an eye on Pepper. Your ungrateful ass is one them." Mr. Stark turned his back on Peter and continued walking. "I don't know why you're complaining. This is a huge honor."

Peter highly doubted that. A huge honor was fighting alongside the Avengers. A huge honor was at least getting invited to a battle. But babysitting an adult? More like a step down the bottom of the superhero food chain.

If Peter didn't know any better, he would argue that Mr. Stark was doing this to him on purpose.

"Hang on." Peter paused. "Is this a test?"

Mr. Stark sighed. "No, it's not a test."

"But you'd say that if it was." Peter studied his mentor. He seemed to have found what he was looking for because he folded his arms, having convinced himself of something.

"Yup. It's a test," Peter said smugly. "You want to see if I'll follow orders or disobey you like I did last time. It's part of your unconventional teaching style."

"No, it's not part of my uncon—ugh." Mr. Stark pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine. If you want, yes, it's a test."

"Listen," said Mr. Stark, his face growing serious. "The mission I'll be doing is particularly sensitive and Pepper's a bit jittery and paranoid because of it. I need you to stay here and distract her. Use that energy of yours that never runs out to keep her happy." He cocked his head. "Don't think of it as a test. Think of it as being an assistant to the CEO of a tech conglomerate."

Mr. Stark clapped Peter on the back. "I'm even giving you permission to put that on your resume."

Peter nodded with newfound determination. He wasn't going to let Mr. Stark down this time.

Mr. Stark stepped into his suit, looking at Peter with unease. But there was no backing out now. He wondered if he'll regret this when he returns.

…

Peter poked his head in Miss Potts' office. "Hey, Miss Potts." He stepped inside the room, balancing a tray in one hand.

Miss Potts looked up from her work and curiously glanced at what Peter brought—a sandwich, a plate of cookies, a mug of steaming hot water, and a selection of tea bags.

"Did you know you have like a hundred tea flavors in the kitchen, Miss Potts? I just grabbed the familiar ones." Peter set the tray down on the coffee table and started suggesting tea flavors. "There's this flavor that I can't pronounce. I googled it and apparently, it helps you focus on your work. And it doesn't have caffeine. Also, I know it's not Delmar's but the kitchen's pretty well-stocked on some cold cuts, so I made you a sandwich. "

Miss Potts rounded her desk, a small amused smile played on her lips. "Peter, what are you doing?"

Peter glanced down at the tray stacked with food and then back at Miss Potts. "Feeding you?"

"No, I mean, what are you doing spending your weekend in my office? You're fifteen. You're young. There's bound to be something else you'd rather do." Miss Potts took a seat on the couch, a thought occurring to her. "Did Tony ask you to do this?

"I—no—because—" the look Pepper directed at him was so much like May's that Peter couldn't bring himself to lie. He sat down beside Miss Potts. "Yeah, he did."

"Figures he'd ask you to babysit me."

"The word he used was 'assist.'"

"Thank you, Peter. But I'm not in need of an assistant right now." Miss Potts cleared her throat and said, "I officially relieve you of your duties and give you free reign to go and raid Tony's workshop."

Peter almost jumped out of his chair because he just had been given permission to basically go around and take souvenirs! But Mr. Stark's face suddenly flashed in his head and he settled back into the couch. He wasn't gonna let the man down.

Miss Potts understood at once what the resolve on Peter's face meant. "You're not leaving this alone, are you?"

Peter nodded sheepishly. "I'm sorry. But I'm trying really hard to prove to Mr. Stark that he can trust me with stuff. He told me to be your assistant, so I'm gonna be your assistant."

Miss Potts studied the teenager beside her. She knew loyalty when she saw it. There was no changing Peter's mind.

"Alright," said Miss Potts. "Well, if you're gonna work for me, you might as well be useful."

…

Peter has never been to the lobby of Stark Industries before, much less its R&D Department! He usually hang out with Mr. Stark in the facility but never in Stark Industries.

Peter's breath caught in his throat, eyes darting all over the massive floor filled with machines and equipment. Engineers walked past him and Peter's eyes widened at the small robot rolling alongside them.

"I feel like I'm in Disneyland," he gushed to Miss Potts.

Peter raised his phone and started a new video.

"Stark Industries," he narrated, "Research and Development department, where magic happens, where the future is made." He began humming the tune of the Stark Expo.

"Is he doing that thing again?" Peter turned and focused his camera on a blank faced Happy Hogan. He zoomed in on the security badge hanging in the man's front pocket.

"Did you tell him it's useless seeing as he can't show his movie to anyone?" Happy asked Miss Potts.

Miss Potts nodded. "I made him sign an NDA and told him that we're acquiring the video as soon as he's done filming."

Peter wasn't stupid. He knew he couldn't breathe a word to Ned about what he saw in here. Everything was top secret. But that's okay.

Filming a movie just sort of helped him calm down and focus. He's pretty sure his hand would be shaking in barely controlled excitement if it wasn't holding on to a phone.

Peter turned his camera to Miss Potts. "So, what are we gonna do today, boss? Run tests? Experiment on ourselves?"

It turned out that that was exactly what Miss Potts wanted Peter to do. Apparently, Mr. Stark's been busy with the Accords to take a look at the product line and check everything out for kinks and final approval. And given that Peter was the above-average intelligent teenager who could speak more engineering than Miss Potts could, she needed him to translate and paraphrase the technical jargon the employees are gonna throw at her.

"So, I am Miss Potts' mouth and ears. I will listen for her and speak for her—whoa." Peter lowered his phone and stared.

A man was walking using a clearly more advanced version of the exoskeleton legs that Mr. Rhodes was wearing.

"Cool!" He glanced at Miss Potts who knew what Peter was gonna ask before he did. "Can I try it on?"

Peter did try on the legs and even made some suggestions to the surprise of the lead engineer.

After that, the lead engineer had enthusiastically whisked Peter away from Miss Potts and showed him various other pieces, asking Peter for his input.

Miss Potts found him an hour later.

Peter was slipping the engineer a dollar in an attempt to bribe the guy to build a real lightsaber.

"We don't build weapons anymore, Mr. Parker," the head engineer was saying, lips quirked up in enjoyment.

"I'm not saying sell it to the public! But imagine Iron Man using a lightsaber while fighting aliens! That'd be so cool!"

Miss Potts pried Peter and his dollar away from her employee before he could say anything more.

"Do you think he would have done it for 5 dollars?" Peter asked Miss Potts.

…

"I have to admit, Miss Potts, I didn't think being your assistant could be this fun!" said Peter. He and Miss Potts were taking a snack break in the cafeteria. 

"Peter, I think it's time you called me Pepper."

Peter choked on his drink. He looked around warily. "But you're my boss right now," he whispered. "We can't let people think you're playing favorites."

Miss Potts giggled. "Right. Okay. Well, why don't you call me 'Miss Potts' here and 'Pepper' in the facility."

Peter mulled it over. Was it okay to call the CEO of Stark Industries by her first name? He didn't even call Mr. Stark by his first name. 

"Pepper," Peter said the name slowly, testing it out. He nodded, saying it once more. 

"See? Wasn't so bad," grinned Miss Potts.

Peter found that he agreed. It helped that Miss Potts reminded him of May. Come to think of it, he never called May "Aunt May" either.

Both CEO and her assistant finished eating before going back to work. 

...

"Don't think I've forgiven you for having Peter babysit me," Miss Potts said to Mr. Stark before giving him a chaste kiss in greeting. "Welcome back."

"Assist," Mr. Stark corrected. "Assist, not babysit. And speaking of assisting, how'd he do? He wasn't too weird, was he?"

"More… enthusiastic than weird." Before Miss Potts could expound, Peter walked up to her, a tablet in his hand.

"Miss Potts, Roger's confirmed that we can start streamlining production for phase 2," stated Peter, tapping something on the screen of the tab.

Mr. Stark found the sight disconcerting. Where was the drooling, bouncing ball of energy that he left behind?

"What happened to you? Wait—Roger? You're on a first name basis with my head engineer?"

"He tried bribing him to build a lightsaber," explained Miss Potts.

"I was gone for a day," muttered Mr. Stark, shaking his head.

He knew it. He knew the minute he left Peter this morning that he was gonna regret making him Pepper's assistant. Now, the teenager had shifted loyalties.

He turned to Peter and asked enticingly, "Hey, kid. What do you say to going on a few spins with War Machine and the Vision?"

"I… uh… erm," Peter fidgeted with the tablet, trying to find a way to let Mr. Stark down easy. "I'll have to get back to you on that, Mr. Stark. You see, I managed to convince Roger to at least hear me out on a BB8 space rover."

Tony started. He looked at Peter and then at Miss Potts. "Did he just—oh, hell. You turned him," he accused the CEO. "You hijacked my intern and turned him into a… a… a real intern! He's compromised! This is betrayal in the highest order, Potts."

Miss Potts rolled her eyes. "Relax. His tenure lasts until 6 PM tonight."

"What?" cried Peter, dismay flitting across his face. "No! I really like it here! I like being your assistant, Pepper! I get to work with the toys, er, I mean, the prototypes."

Mr. Stark did a double take. "Whoa, 'Pepper?' First Roger and then Pepper?  You spend months with me and you persist with that 'Mr. Stark' crap and you spend a day at SI and suddenly you're chums with everyone? That's it. You're leaving with me right now. Work's over."

Mr. Stark clasped Peter on the shoulder and nudged him out the door. "You don't need Roger. You got me: Iron Man. Remember him?"

"That depends. Are we gonna make a lightsaber?"

Mr. Stark made a noncommittal grunt that Peter took to be a yes anyway.

Chapter Text

Tony

It's the weekend and Peter and Ned were at home.

Peter was sitting on the bottom bunk bed in his bedroom, a thick open book in his lap. He was flipping through its many pages, frowning occasionally at the illustrations.

"Michelle calls this light reading? This isn't light! Figuratively or literally," the teenager complained. "I mean, look at this Ned! Does this look light to you?"

Peter hefted the book up and turned it over for Ned to see.

Across from Peter sat his best friend, but Peter couldn't tell what Ned was thinking because for one thing, Ned hadn't said anything yet, and for another, he was wearing the Spider-Man mask making it impossible to read his expression.

After finding out about Karen, Ned wanted inside the mask almost everyday now.

With a "Ned!" Peter stretched out a foot and nudged his friend, almost tipping him over the edge of the bed.

Startled into action, Ned grabbed onto Peter's foot to keep himself from falling.

"Were you trying to kill me?" cried Ned after regaining his balance.

"Sorry," said Peter, "and you're exaggerating. It's a two feet drop. You're not gonna die." Deciding it was time to take a break from the world's heaviest book and not return to it ever again, Peter put it aside and asked, "What were you thinking about, anyway?"

Ned shrugged. "Just surfing through the HUD, prank texting a couple of people. Karen's pretty helpful with that by the way. And speaking of Karen," Ned's voice dropped to a whisper. "I think I might have a crush on her. Do you think that's weird?"

Peter looked at his friend. "You do know she can hear you, right? And it's totally okay to have a crush on Karen. She's cool! Right, Karen?" He paused and then added, "What'd she say?"

"She said she's flattered." The large eyes of the mask angled upwards in delight. Ned raised both fists in the air. "This is the coolest thing ever!" He dropped his fists all of a sudden and grabbed Peter's foot again. "Oh, my God!"

"What?" asked Peter, startled.

"Does this mean we're dating?" Ned pulled at Peter's foot, bringing his friend sliding closer. "Peter I've never dated before!"

"Well, neither have I!"

"Does this mean I have to take Karen out? I'm gonna have to walk around and visit places while wearing the mask?"

"You are not wearing the mask in public, alright? Mr. Stark is gonna kill you and me!" As an afterthought, Peter added, "You know what Michelle would say if she found out you like Karen?"

"That we're losers," Ned said dryly.

Peter nodded, not missing the use of "we" in the sentence. For some reason, Michelle always picked on Peter and Ned even if the other wasn't involved. And although Michelle considered the two boys her friends, the girl had a weird way of showing it sometimes.

"Why'd you even borrow that book from the library?" asked Ned, nudging his knee at its direction. "She's gonna think you only read it because you like her."

"I do like her! And I want to know what she likes so I'm reading—correction: failed reading—the humongous book." Peter winced, still remembering how heavy his head and his lap felt reading it. "And all I've found out is that she's interested in medieval means of torture."

Ned cringed and Peter felt better knowing his best friend understood.

"You know what book you should've taken out of the library?" Ned's eyebrows danced knowingly. "One on girls and dating."

There was a knock on the door before Peter could answer. It swung open revealing May and...

"Mr. Stark!" said Peter, quickly getting up to his feet.

Mr. Stark walked in the room.

"I'll leave you boys to it," said May, closing the door.

"Hey, kid," greeted Mr. Stark. Then, he looked at Ned who was still too star-struck to move.

Mr. Stark nodded at Ned. "Spider-Man."

Peter's eyes widened. Ned still had the mask on.

Peter grabbed it from Ned's head and pulled it off. There was a "yow!" and Ned appeared looking ruffled, his hair standing in certain places from where Peter yanked the mask off.

"Sorry," Peter said, hastily putting the mask away in his closet.

Of all the days Mr. Stark would show up, he chose the exact moment Ned was wearing the mask! Great, now he's gonna think Peter lends the suit like a Halloween costume.

Speaking of showing up… Peter's eyebrows slowly furrowed as he nervously asked his mentor, "What, um, what are you doing here, Mr. Stark?"

His mentor stared at him. "What do you mean what am I doing here? You texted me."

Peter's brows knit even further. "I did?"

Beside him, Ned gave a gasp and whispered, "I can't believe it worked."

Mr. Stark looked at Ned. "You?"

Peter turned to Ned. "Ned?"

Ned looked from Mr. Stark to Peter. "I saw his number! It was right there! So I... I told Karen to text him. I invited him over. I didn't think he'd reply, much less come!" Ned lowered his voice and hissed at Peter accusingly, "You said he never replies!"

"Yeah! But that doesn't mean he doesn't read the texts!" Peter hissed back. "When did you even have the time to do this? I was right beside you the whole time!"

"When you were reading the giant book! I shut off the speakers so you wouldn't hear me!"

Peter was about to berate Ned on how stupid it was to prank text Mr. Stark but then, distracted by the newest revelation, he asked, "You can do that?"

Ned gaped disbelievingly at Peter. "Yeah, dude! You didn't know?"

Peter turned to Mr. Stark and before he could stop himself said, "Dude, you didn't tell me?"

"Did you just 'dude' me?" Mr. Stark shook his head.

"I mean—Mr. Stark—Sir—I was—I didn't know… that I can have a conversation with Karen and nobody would hear," said Peter, trying to make everything sound casual but it all came out forced and he looked constipated trying to gauge Mr. Stark's reaction to his words.

"It's amazing, really… and pretty convenient if you think about it." Peter quickly turned to Ned, glaring at him again.

"So, correct me if I'm wrong," said Mr. Stark, "but what I gathered from all of this is that you texted me to come here and when I actually do, it's a false alarm."

Ned and Peter exchanged glances. They nodded reluctantly.

"Might as well make this worth my time." Mr. Stark sat down on Peter's swivel chair.

"You're staying?" asked Peter.

"He," Mr. Stark pointed at Ned, "made me come all the way down here. Of course, I'm staying. I didn't waste all that gas on nothing. Plus," he adopted an exaggerated whisper. "I can't have your friend thinking I'm a buzzkill and uncool."

"I think you're amazing," stated Ned, smiling at Mr. Stark. A sudden sparkle appeared in his eyes and barely restraining himself, Ned said, "Mr. Stark, you can help us! Can you can give Peter and me some girl advice?"

Peter choked on his own saliva while Mr. Stark simply raised a brow.

"Ned!" gasped Peter, hitting Ned on the arm. The only person Peter was comfortable enough to ask girl advice from was May.

"Who needs a book on dating when we got a genius right here in your bedroom?" Ned motioned at Mr. Stark, "and he happens to be a Casanova." Ned said the word almost as if it held all the answers in the world.

Mr. Stark looked like he was about to protest, but then decided against it. Instead, he put a hand on Ned's shoulder and said, "That's true. I am a genius. And a former Casanova. Do people still use that word?"

"I do," said Ned. "So, will you be our love guru?"

Mr. Stark snorted a laugh. "No."

"What?"

Even Peter was curious enough to ask, "Why not?"

"Because you're 14. And the things I know aren't meant for your baby ears."

"We're 15," said Ned.

"And we have teenaged ears," added Peter.

"Doesn't matter," dismissed Mr. Stark, leaning back on the chair and planting his feet on Peter's desk table. "You boys gotta blindly get on the love train like everybody else."

"But your Peter's dad!" cried Ned in a last ditch attempt to convince the billionaire.

Mr. Stark almost tipped his chair too far back. "I'm what?"

"Nothing!" barked Peter. He turned his back on Mr. Stark, glared at Ned, and hissed, "I told you that in confidence!"

"I'm pretty confident if War Machine said he's your dad, he's your dad." Ned didn't even bother to lower his voice.

"He's not my dad. He's like a dad, but he's not my dad."

"Rhodey said I was your dad?"

Peter froze. He faced Mr. Stark. "He—I—yeeaah. I was going for godfather but… he was the one who insisted on the whole dad thing…To be clear, I don't go around telling people you're my dad. I just told Ned that I look at you as my father figure. There's a distinction in there... somewhere."

"Hmm," said Mr. Stark thoughtfully. Then, he shrugged. "Well, junior, if you're my son, I'm definitely gonna skip the love advice and going straight to the birds and the bees talk."

Ned and Peter automatically shook their heads at that.

While Peter was relieved Mr. Stark didn't embarrass him or make a big deal out of the whole dad thing, there were just certain topics that you didn't want to hear coming out of someone's mouth.

"No, thank you!" exclaimed Peter. "Ned and I had to sit through two semesters of sex education. That and we go to a Science school. We know where to put it."

"What we want to know is actual How To Deal With Girls tips," said Ned. "Y'know, what to say, what to do, that kind of stuff?"

Mr. Stark considered their request for a moment before dropping his feet to the ground and resting his elbows on his knees. "Well, alright then. You two seeing anyone?"

"Girls think we're losers," Peter said by way of an answer, settling on the bottom bunk bed.

He's still not sure he wants girl advice from Mr. Stark but it's too late to back out now.

Ned nodded in agreement, standing by one of the bed posts. "But Karen's nice. And even though she's just an artificial intelligence programmed to emulate human emotions, I might be a little bit in love with her."

Tony shrugged, finding the information neither strange nor fascinating. "The heart wants what the heart wants. So, dating. Rule number 1: girls—or boys, whichever way you swing—aren't meat. You don't grade 'em like beef. They're not a 6 or a 10 no matter how much you think that girl is a 20. And trust me, when you see a 20, you want to just brag that 20 to your friends and round off and say she's a hundred. But you shouldn't. It's disrespectful."

Ned and Peter frowned, not following.

"Huh? I'm not..." Peter trailed off.

"That wasn't mathematics," said Ned, still trying to figure out why a 20 would be a 6 or a 10.

"The metaphor may have gotten away from me there," admitted Mr. Stark. "The point is: don't reduce women to grades of beef."

The teenagers nodded.

Mr. Stark turned to Ned. "Now, Ned, how would you grade Aunt Hottie May Parker?"

Ned looked at Peter cautiously before looking back to Mr. Stark. "I…um… This is hard. If I give her a 10 Peter'd give me a look and if I give her a really low grade, Peter'd be offended. So like… fiiive?"

Mr. Stark sighed, his chin dropping to his chest before rising again. "That was a trick question."

"Oh!" Ned chuckled, catching on. "Riiight! I got you." He winked at the billionaire. He cleared his throat and then said, "The limit does not exist for May Parker."

Ned grinned proudly at himself before sharing a fist bump with Peter.

Mr. Stark rolled his eyes before straightening himself up in his seat.

"Number 2: girls really like it when you listen. And make them laugh." With a smirk, he asked, "How do you think I managed to acquire the title of, ahem, Casanova? It wasn't just my good looks, I'll tell you that."

"But girls don't get our jokes or our references," said Peter.

"Then you just let them talk and you listen," replied Mr. Stark as if it were that simple. He clucked his tongue at the two boys. "Okay. Peter, you be the girl, and Ned, you listen and try to make Peter laugh."

Peter immediately began to complain about why he had to be the girl.

"You can play the boy next time," said Mr. Stark dismissively. He motioned with his hand for Peter to start talking.

Peter racked his brain for something to say. Liz always had amazing things coming out of her mouth that kept Peter tongue-tied and Michelle had a never-ending list of insults up her sleeve...

Channeling Michelle, Peter said, "Sup, loser?"

Ned nodded his head curtly. "So, uh, do you like cheese?"

Peter's nose scrunched up and he broke character. "Cheese? Who asks that?"

Watching them, Mr. Stark groaned.

"You were supposed to put on a girly voice and say you like Gouda!" cried Ned and mumbled, "It was a She's The Man reference. It's supposed to be funny." He leaned against the bed frame while Peter sat back down.

"We'll get back to number 2, alright?" said Mr. Stark, trying to get the boys back on track. "Lastly, don't argue with a girl. They're always gonna win."

Peter and Ned frowned. "How?"

"I don't know how. They just win arguments by virtue of being female."

"That's not logically—" tried Peter

"Peter, you ever been in love?" Mr. Stark interrupted.

Peter didn't answer but beside him, Ned nodded. "Peter likes Michelle."

"Have you tried arguing with Michelle?"

"No."

"There you go."

"But that's because Michelle sucks all rational sense out of me. Literally. The things she says are just—" Peter makes some sort of face and gestures with his hands.

Mr. Stark pointed his index finger. "Exactly."

Peter was about to argue some more when May knocked and from behind the door ordered them all out for snacks.

"Perfect!" said Mr. Stark, rising to his feet. "You boys can practice on Aunt May."

…

Peter and Ned did practice on an unsuspecting May who figured out what was going on after the third ridiculous compliment and second terrible joke.

She shook her head at Mr. Stark. "You didn't tell them to just be themselves?"

"Nobody wants that, May!" said Ned.

May chuckled, shaking her head. "One of these days, you boys are gonna date someone and all it took was for you to be you."

The doorbell rang and May excused herself to get the door.

"She's right, you know. I never compromised myself for any woman," said Mr. Stark, finishing his can of Dr. Pepper.

From the kitchen, the three could hear May talking. "Yeah, he's right in the kitchen."

There was a distinctive click clack of high heeled shoes and Mr. Stark perked up. He grinned and then got up at the same time May Parker and Pepper Potts appeared.

"Pepper!" greeted Tony, giving her a kiss. But Peter noticed Pepper barely responded.

The CEO gave Peter a fleeting smile before excusing herself and taking Tony aside for a private word.

"So, that's Pepper Potts," said May, sitting herself back on the chair.

"She's Mr. Stark's girlfriend," Peter explained to Ned. "Y'know my boss from when I became the PA to Stark Industries' CEO."

Peter wasn't surprised when the couple's voices carried back to the kitchen. Somehow, Mr. Stark always managed to make Pepper raise her voice.

"You really thought you could get away with it?" Pepper was asking.

"Let's not show this tension to the kids. Speaking of kids, did you know we have a son?"

Peter's ears turned red and he pointedly avoided looking at May's direction.

"I beg your pardon."

"We're not blood related though. Just to clear that up."

"You're changing the subject."

"Although he did inherit the superhero gene."

Peter heard Pepper sigh. That wasn't uncommon either.

"What were you thinking coming over here?"

"I was thinking I wanted to spend time with the kid. Y'know show him I'm more fun than Rhodey or Happy or Roger combined."

Peter imagined Pepper folding her arms across her chest. "This is still about Roger?"

Still chewing on some fajitas, Ned commented, "For all the girl advice Mr. Stark gives, he sure doesn't follow them all that much."

"You're supposed to be in a meeting. Two hours ago!" Peter heard Pepper say in an exasperated tone.

Peter turned to Ned. "Yeah. But this is normal for Mr. Stark and Pepper."

"He's being himself," supplied May with a smile.

Ned bit the last of his fajita and wiped his hands on a napkin. "Peter, we should help."

Peter shook his head. "I really wouldn't interrupt them when they're arguing."

There was a "Relax! I rescheduled," and a responding, "You rescheduled them three times already!"

The next thing Peter knew was Ned had left his chair and was going to where the couple stood.

Peter shot May a panicked look before chasing after his friend.

Ned cleared his throat.

"I would never do something intentional to harm the…" Mr. Stark looked at Ned, noticing his presence… and that of Peter's too.

"Can I help you?" asked Mr. Stark.

"Remember rule number 2: listen to the lady," stated Ned.

Pepper cocked her head, her hands falling from her hips and going to her sides.

"What is he talking about?" she asked Mr. Stark.

"Nothing. Don't mind him." Mr. Stark took Pepper's arm and brought her to the front door, farther away from Ned.

Ned only called after them. "Make her laugh!"

Peter bit his lip, trying to decide if it was worth it getting himself involved. He saw the bemusement in Peppper's face and decided that it was.

"You're not gonna win this argument, Mr. Stark. Rule number 3's a constant."

"Would the two of you just go to your room?" Mr. Stark replied, heat flushing up his neck at the teenagers' comments and their glaringly obvious attempts at being his wingmen.

"Are they giving you girl advice?" asked Pepper, half-chuckling.

Mr. Stark sighed and nodded begrudgingly. "We bonded over dating tips."

He pointed a finger at Ned and Peter. "I think I gotta teach you two a new rule: boys gotta stick together. Y'know bros before hoes."

Peter watched as Mr. Stark panicked as soon as the phrase left his mouth.

The superhero raised his hands defensively at Pepper. "Not that I'm calling you a ho, I just meant that they and I... we can't embarrass each other in front of girls because—ugh. I'm digging myself an even bigger hole, aren't I?"

Pepper nodded.

Mr. Stark's shoulders slumped in defeat. He took Pepper's hand. "Come on. I've been betrayed by my own apprentices, my padawans. I'm hauling my ass out of here before they go to the dark side completely."

Pepper laughed.

"Hey, look, Mr. Stark, you did it! Good job!" cried Ned.

May Parker heard an audible groan all the way in the kitchen.