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There was a lot Soonyoung didn’t know about Jihoon. For one thing, how he took his coffee. For another, how he took his bread and eggs. What he thought about when he slept late, where he kept the notebook with their plans in case anyone else got kidnapped or worse, where he kept his weapons for emergency, and which part he cleaned off in the shower first.
It didn’t stop him from falling in love, though.
It had taken Soonyoung years until Jihoon finally admitted to reciprocating his feelings, and Soonyoung had literally jumped to the roof to scream his love for Jihoon. (Luckily, their neighbors were nice and busy, and Soonyoung was ignored for the most part. Mostly because they already knew that.)
Jeonghan and Junhui tried to get Jihoon to talk to them, to confess how he... confessed to Soonyoung. How it happened, when did it happen, how far had they gone, had they kissed, will they date, did Seungcheol know, will they tell the Boss?
Soonyoung sighed as he lowered the book he was reading to watch Jihoon’s profile. The Boss, Mingyu’s father, had asked Jihoon to come up with contingency plans in case any situation similar to what happened to Soonyoung happened again. The light was too bright on the desk, and its illumination was unflattering on Jihoon’s skin tone. His jaw jut out and tense in concentration, the tip of his tongue peaked at the corner of his lips. His long fingers grasped the pen so tightly, Soonyoung was surprised his hand wasn’t cramping.
A few weeks had gone by since The Confession but nothing else had happened. Sure Jihoon allowed more skinship like hand holding, back hugging, forehead kissing, and sneaking bed cuddling. Other than that, it was as if it was business as usual.
Were they dating? Soonyoung frowned from behind the book he lowered to take a peek at Jihoon working. He had been staring at the same page for the past hour and a half. His thoughts of clarification about his relationship status with Jihoon was very distracting. While he didn’t mind everything staying the same, it felt like The Confession didn’t happen at all. And that scared him the most.
Soonyoung bit his bottom lip hidden beneath the opened book. His brows furrowed deeply. Thoughts of the Worst Case Scenarios flitted in and out of his mind. In all the scenarios of Jihoon finally accepting him, it ended either pretty well or just plain devastating.
He raised the book again to try to actually get some reading done because his head was starting to hurt.
“Hey,” Jihoon snuck beside him, causing Soonyoung to jump and let go of the book. It hit his nose, the open pages nearly smothering him due to gravity. He sat up, letting gravity do its thing again as the book fell onto his lap. Jihoon raised an eyebrow at him, squatting at the side of the couch Soonyoung was lying down on. “Are you okay?”
Soonyoung nodded, rubbing the bridge of his nose to ease the pain of the book falling on his face. He turned his head to look at Jihoon, a soft smile crept up his lips. “You?”
Jihoon sighed, as he occupied the space Soonyoung left open when he sat up. There were dark circles under Jihoon’s eyes, and a curved line from the middle halfway down to his cheek. They were evidence of his lack of sleep and rest the past few days since the last family meeting.
Soonyoung frowned when Jihoon leaned sideways against his back. His breathing was mellow, even and calm. Soonyoung tried not to move lest he jostle Jihoon despite the awkward position. He twisted slightly to check on Jihoon, looking over his shoulder to see Jihoon’s face. He smiled, glad to see the worry lines gone.
Right after The Confession, Jihoon snuck into Soonyoung’s bed from time to time, in the middle of the night. Soonyoung never questioned it because he understood why. The first thing Jihoon always said when he snuck into the room was, “Soonyoung, answer me.”
While it wasn’t the most romantic thing Soonyoung had hoped for, the years being (in love) with Jihoon trained him to be adept at Jihoon’s wants, needs, and body language. It was Jihoon’s way of making sure Soonyoung was inside the apartment, and that he was not waiting for a phone call to tell him that Soonyoung was in a critical situation.
It was Jihoon’s way of making sure that Soonyoung was with him, alive.
Soonyoung answered groggily every time until Jeonghan got sick of the sneaking around and just told them to “Sleep together, for fuck’s sake!”
Not a night went by without Soonyoung pulling Jihoon closer to him.
It was a bittersweet reality. On one hand, he was glad that Jihoon finally admitted to reciprocating his feelings while on the other hand, he did so after Soonyoung was nearly placed in a critical situation.
“I should’ve hit those idiots harder,” Soonyoung whispered under his breath before falling to his side and asleep.
The crick in his neck was painful. Seungcheol found them on the couch in one of the offices of the family asleep. One way or another, Soonyoung woke up to Jihoon’s hair in his mouth, their arms wrapped around each other’s waists, and Seungcheol’s face too close to his own.
It really wasn’t the best way to wake up despite Jihoon clinging onto him. “Rude,” Seungcheol hissed at Soonyoung with a glare after he screamed and sat straight up. Jihoon blinked, his hand still clutching Soonyoung’s shirt. The arm around Soonyoung’s waist fell right on Soonyoung’s thighs and Soonyoung tried very hard not to think about that.
“Ow,” Soonyoung muttered when the shock of seeing Seungcheol’s face went away. He held the back of his neck while he bent his head from side to side and all the way around, stretching his neck while gauging which side the pain was coming from. Jihoon crawled up Soonyoung’s chest with a low whine. It was so soft that Soonyoung felt it from the rumble of Jihoon’s chest against his rather than hear it.
Seungcheol looked at them once over before snorting. “You’re sickeningly sweet.”
A proud smile bloomed on Soonyoung’s face. He stared down at Jihoon, only able to see the crown of his head because he tucked himself under Soonyoung’s jaw. Soonyoung raised a hand and began to run his fingers through Jihoon’s hair. Jihoon sighed, satisfied and soft. It felt domestic. As if he wasn’t twisting his torso in an almost impossible angle. As if he didn’t feel the twinge at his side, his stomach wound still shooting phantom pains up his veins despite healing well leaving only a light scar. As if they were the only two people in the room, in the world.
“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asked, and Soonyoung snapped his head up to look at him. His eyes widened, blindsided by the question before they returned to normal. He threw a quick glance at Jihoon, circling an arm around Jihoon’s waist to keep him steady. His eyes softened, but it made Seungcheol frown.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Soonyoung answered with another question. Seungcheol helped Soonyoung turn around, gently holding Jihoon’s weight as Soonyoung flung his legs off the couch to properly sit. Jihoon’s face crumpled at each movement, but Soonyoung continued to whisper hush sounds and run his fingers through Jihoon’s hair. It calmed him, as it always did.
“There’s something bothering you,” Seungcheol answered, “and it’s about Jihoon.”
Soonyoung stiffened, just a fraction of a movement. If it were anyone else, they wouldn’t have noticed. But this was Seungcheol, his leader, his trainer, his friend, his family. Seungcheol, with keen eyes trained by Jeonghan, and honed through experience and years. Soonyoung released a soft breathe of a chuckle, admitting defeat.
“It doesn’t feel as real as I thought it would be,” Soonyoung admitted, but the caresses through Jihoon’s hair didn’t stop. “Sometimes I wake up and I need a moment to convince myself that I’m in the apartment, not in a hospital room, drugged up or in a coma.”
Seungcheol watched each of Soonyoung’s movement, even the soft peck of Jihoon’s temple. Just a small press of Soonyoung’s lips. He frowned. “You’ve been through worse.”
It was true. They were part of a mob. The situation Soonyoung was in weeks prior was the very tip of the iceberg. It didn’t even shave the sharp point. They had fights where all of them were beaten bloody, stayed in the hospital for weeks because they needed blood, had their bones and ribs broken.
“I was never alone.” Soonyoung said, reminding Seungcheol that what made the situation with ahjumma different was the sacrifice he was willing to make. He gave Seungcheol a knowing smile. “You know Jihoon.”
Of course Seungcheol knew. He’d been together with Jihoon for years, even before joining the Kim Group. He knew what ticked Jihoon off, knew how to read Jihoon’s emotions and body language too. He knew that once aware of any situation, Jihoon had the desperate need to know everything. He hated being blind during situations. He hated running out of plans and contingency plans. He hated being helpless, knowing that there was surely a plan to save everyone without dying.
“That can’t just be it.” Seungcheol said because he knew Soonyoung too. He knew when Soonyoung fell in love with Jihoon. He knew Soonyoung’s never ending training just to make sure he never slipped. He knew Soonyoung’s willingness to sacrifice himself just to keep everyone he cared about safe. He knew that Soonyoung made everyone in the family, including Mingyu’s parents, promise him that they would protect Jihoon if anything happened to Soonyoung.
Fucking match made in heaven, these two.
Soonyoung shrugged. “I guess I wanted our relationship to feel more real.”
“He’s literally clinging to you like a koala when he wouldn’t allow you to come even five steps away from him before.”
“I want to take him out on a date, then,” Soonyoung said, and before Seungcheol could say another word, he added with a deep roll of his eyes, “where he’s aware and consenting that it’s a date. Geez, hyung.”
Seungcheol shrugged this time, hands on his waist with a brow raised high. “Why not do that now?”
“He’s busy. The family needs him right now.”
“Your sacrificial bullshit is gonna bite you in the ass someday, y’know that right?”
Soonyoung barked a laugh before forcing himself to quiet down because Jihoon began to stir. His shoulders shook at the force of his laughter. When he calmed down, he took a deep breath but he was still laughing.
“Yeah, well,” Soonyoung began, “I already dug my grave sea deep when I fell in love with him. Might as well go all the way, right?”
Seungcheol rolled his eyes and waved his hand in front of him. “Cheesiest, cringiest, greasiest son of a bitch who’s ever fallen in love with Lee Jihoon. I was expecting kinky, not this.” He turned around to walk out the door, maybe tell Mingyu to not cook for six for dinner.
Soonyoung rolled his eyes this time. “Don’t lump me with you and Jeonghan hyung.”
Seungcheol tripped, bumping his head onto the door as soon as Soonyoung mentioned Jeonghan’s name. He sputtered, the tips of his ears dark red. He resolutely didn’t turn around while throwing the door open and muttering so many excuses, Soonyoung didn’t catch any of them.
Soonyoung laughed when the door slammed shut, not being able to help himself this time. Jihoon pushed himself off of Soonyoung’s chest with dazed eyes and messy bed hair. He looked around him before meeting Soonyoung’s own stare. Soonyoung gave him a small, soft smile as he was wont to do whenever he looked at Jihoon.
Soonyoung leaned down, pecking Jihoon’s forehead, nose, cheek, then lips in quick succession. “Morning.”
Jihoon’s eyes grew wide, as he felt more awake and aware. A rush of blood went straight up his cheeks and he sputtered, almost the same way Seungcheol did. He pushed Soonyoung’s face away from his, and pinched Soonyoung’s waist.
Soonyoung had never seen a brighter morning.
“What made you even think that a date with Jihoon at ahjumma’s place was a good idea, Mingyu?” Jeonghan scolded, passing the packet of chips around and reaching for the bowl of popcorn. Jihoon was with the family on movie night and while unfortunate because it was movie night, the timing couldn’t have been more perfect.
Soonyoung mentioned in the middle of whatever they were watching (some cheesy over budgeted American rom-com that failed the box office) that he wanted to take Jihoon out on a real date. Everyone looked at him, the light coming from the television illuminated everyone else’s backs. Soonyoung avoided noticing the stares, preferring to watch the rom-com he was no longer following properly.
Mingyu was never good at using his brain-to-mouth filter.
“I thought it was a good idea,” Mingyu admitted sheepishly, “since ahjumma adores them both and it’s comfortable.”
“You do remember that Soonyoung got beaten, kicked, shot at, and stabbed in ahjumma’s place, right?”
Mingyu blushed and pouted at Jeonghan’s reminder. Soonyoung sighed internally. While he actually did want to bring Jihoon to ahjumma’s, the situation was still a little too raw for Jihoon. Despite not saying a thing, Soonyoung knew that Jihoon was careful of the side of his stomach. He made sure that no additional weight was put on that side in case of bleeding (even after telling him that it was surely closed by then) and there were always careful touches, Jihoon’s hand always just hovering above the light scar.
“Movie?” Seungcheol suggested, turning his head from popcorn Jeonghan threw at him. “What?”
“Not romantic enough!” Jeonghan said loud enough to drown out whatever the male lead told the female lead. (Might have been his feelings, seeing as they kissed a moment after. Soonyoung was slightly distracted.) “It’s gotta be meaningful.”
Junhui threw Jeonghan then Soonyoung a side glance. He picked off a kernel from the palm of his hand. He looked like he wanted to say something but decided to leave everyone hanging. Junhui wasn’t mean, though. “Have a picnic at Han river.”
Jeonghan paused, as the movie credits began to roll. Everyone else turned their heads slowly to Junhui, as if he said something unsettling while he grew another head.
“Weather’s nice,” Junhui began with a shrug, “food’s good this time of the year, plus after tonight, the Boss most probably won’t call any of us in until about three weeks.”
Junhui stood, dusted his hands then his pants, before he turned the lights on and stopped the movie. He took the empty bowl of popcorn and cradled it between his arms and torso. He was about to walk to the kitchen to clean it off but he took a step back to address Mingyu. “This means you can go to the library again, Mingyu. Maybe finally ask for the librarian’s name?”
The rest of them turned to look at Mingyu once Junhui left for the kitchen. His tanned skin grew darker, a blush rushing to his cheeks. Soonyoung, Seungcheol, and Jeonghan’s eyes grew widely. Soonyoung raised a hand to point at him. Jeonghan gaped like a fish. It was only when Seungcheol wrapped his arm around Mingyu’s neck, pulled in in and gave him a noogie did their gaping and staring break.
“Yah,” Seungcheol said, “when did you start liking the librarian?” He teased, an amused smile on the corner of his lips. Mingyu got out of Seungcheol’s hold and quickly fixed his hair. He pouted as he scooted away from Seungcheol. Jeonghan slapped his shoulder.
“Hyung! Ow!” Mingyu whined, turning around to glare at Jeonghan who raised his hand to slap him again.
Jeonghan glared. “How come you never told us!” He said, as he slapped Mingyu for each word for emphasis. Mingyu stood up, holding his shoulder and glaring back at Jeonghan. He ran after Junhui, whining about the reveal but no sign of remorse could be heard in the kitchen. Junhui only laughed lightheartedly with breathy ‘sorry’s.
After throwing narrowed eyes at the kitchen where Mingyu was side glancing Jeonghan before trying to make himself look busy by “helping” Junhui. Seungcheol reached for the remote control and began changing the cable channels. Jeonghan smiled as he turned to Soonyoung. “So,” he began, “what’s up with you?”
Soonyoung blinked rapidly, his slanted eyes growing wider than normal. It was an attempt to look innocent, but of course, nothing could get past Jeonghan’s eyes. He tried very hard not to feel small.
He shrugged, feigning innocence. “Like I said,” he began, “I want to take Jihoon out on a real date.”
“I get that,” Jeonghan rolled his eyes, “but we know it’s more than that. You’ve always been fine without doing anything. Why the sudden change?”
“Well, he admitted his feelings for me, for one,” Soonyoung said before moving out of the way from Jeonghan’s hand. When Jeonghan missed, he glared at Soonyoung and hissed “smartass” under his breath.
“This has something to do with your “incident”, doesn’t it?” Jeonghan said, air quoting “incident”. The room was a lot more silent. Mingyu and Junhui slowed in washing the dishes, and Seungcheol stopped switching the channels, even turning the volume down to zero.
Soonyoung chuckled, standing to stretch his legs. “You sound as if we haven’t had worse. We’re part of the mob, hyung.” He reached over his head to stretch the rest of his body too.
“Yeah,” Jeonghan said, standing as well, “but you didn’t see Jihoon, Soonyoung.”
Soonyoung paused. The mischievous, teasing grin slowly disappearing from his face. He never knew the full story of what happened while he was in ahjumma’s place. Jihoon avoided the subject, but mostly because he tried to take care of Soonyoung first and foremost. After Soonyoung healed, the stab wound and his bruises gone, Jihoon was asked to the family meetings often that they never had the time to properly talk. Soonyoung never knew if not seeing Jihoon during that time was a blessing or a curse.
It felt more like a curse, the more he thought about it.
Junhui and Mingyu entered the room quietly. They were all looking at Soonyong with apologetic eyes. Soonyoung wanted to punch something. Or play with his butterfly knife. But he might end up stabbing something unnecessarily, if they were going to talk about this “thing” with Jihoon.
It was still early enough.
“I’m gonna go to the dojo,” Soonyoung said, turning around to pick up the bag he usually brought with him that was filled with extra clothes and towels.
Junhui opened his mouth, maybe to protest that it wasn’t early enough but Seungcheol spread his arm and shook his head. Junhui bit his lower lip, clearly not happy with letting Soonyoung leave in the middle of the night to go to the dojo. Despite the happy-go-lucky persona Soonyoung displayed (even while being in the mob), there were times that he would overwork himself. This might be one of those times.
But Soonyoung brushed them off, any protest they had or any conversations they made behind his back were ignored. He needed to clear his head, and playing with his butterfly knife did the job. He would also be training, so it was really killing two birds with one stone. Jihoon wouldn’t be home until at least an hour or two, so that gave him time to escape to the dojo.
Weeks may have past since Soonyoung healed, but Jihoon always gave him a look whenever he tried to train at the dojo. It was a look that basically scolded him, despite being a vague look between a pout and a disappointed face. Everyone who knew Soonyoung knew he was weak whenever it came to Jihoon, so he really hadn’t had much training other than the occasionally stretching and meditation with Mingyu.
God, he’d missed his butterfly knives. The handles that fit right on his palm. The sharp blades that flipped in and out with a simple flick of a wrist. He really should ask for another target practice soon.
He grabbed his bag and slung it over one shoulder. He kept his head down and stayed quiet while he walked to the kitchen to fill his water bottle. Jihoon would probably kill him if he didn’t at least bring water with him to the dojo.
Soonyoung resolutely ignored the rest of them, not bothering to check if they were even still in the living room. He muttered a soft goodbye, trusting them enough to tell Jihoon where he was without having to remind them to tell him. He quickly grabbed his parka before opening the door, shivering as the cool air hit his skin.
A clear head. That’s what he needed right now, and the dojo was the perfect place to get it.
He heaved, wheezing and gasping to get oxygen back into his lungs. He lost track of time. He also forgot to drink water. His vision was blurring, but he stood on his knees. And by stood, it meant that he was bent over, his hands on his knees while he coughed his lungs out at the lack of oxygen.
None of the others came to call him back, so he continued with his training. There was still a phantom ache of sorts on his stomach every time he stretched too much. When his movements was too quick, it was a dull pain that shot up his spine. His movements were a bit bumpy, and his muscles were stiff from lack of use. It wasn’t bad, but the lack of training really did a number to his muscles.
He’ll be able to get back in no time. If Jihoon would allow him, anyway.
Soonyoung fell on his butt, his knees weak from the exhaustion he didn’t feel until he was stock still. His body started to ache, but it was a good ache. It was the kind of ache he missed. He took a deep breath, forcing the oxygen back into his system. His throat was parched, but as he lied down the mat of the dojo, he couldn’t be bothered to move.
A lukewarm bottle pressed against his cheek, and he startled. He sat straight up, and his leg kicked high. A hand held onto his ankle, dropping the bottle on the mat with a thud.
“Great to see you too.”
“Oh my god, Ji!” Soonyoung raised to his knees, using the momentum Jihoon gave when he pushed Soonyoung’s foot away. He reached out to Jihoon, even though he didn’t hit him.
He paused when he saw Jihoon’s irritated look. “What are you still doing up?”
Soonyoung retracted one hand to rub the back of his neck. He threw a sheepish smile, and caught one of Jihoon’s hand. He caressed the back of Jihoon’s hand with his thumb, a subconscious movement. “I needed to clear my mind.”
He hadn’t dared look at Jihoon’s pout and disappointed face. He knew it was there. The doctor had cleared him weeks ago, but Jihoon hadn’t. To be caught training in the dojo with his water bottle still full was embarrassing to say the least.
But Jihoon’s fingers twitched, as if it itched to be released from Soonyoung’s hold. Soonyoung held on though, pulling Jihoon a bit closer as he sat on his butt again. The water bottle was forgotten at his side. His throat still felt dry but as with everything for Soonyoung, Jihoon was more important.
“Plus my muscles are starting to get stiff,” he said, trying to make light of the atmosphere, “need to get back to training sometime.”
Jihoon gave in, shuffled and fell into Soonyoung’s embrace. Soonyoung moved them to a more comfortable cuddling position. That is, he pulled Jihoon to lie down on their sides. Jihoon closed his eyes. Soonyoung smiled, the joy and satisfaction he felt still unexplainable. He ran his hands through Jihoon’s hair, caressing his temple down to his cheek. It was a habit he grew to love to do. A simple movement he used to sneak when Jihoon was asleep. Now that Jihoon admitted his feelings, it was something Soonyoung did often especially when they were close and against each other.
“I’ll take it slow, Ji,” Soonyoung whispered. The intention was vague, but the meaning was deep. “You don’t have to worry so much.”
Soonyoung’s hand moved up to Jihoon’s forehead to smooth out the creases. Soonyoung chuckled softly, a breathless and silent laughter. “Go out with me, Ji.”
Jihoon’s eyes snapped open. A pink flush crawled up his cheeks and it was so endearing to Soonyoung. His heart swelled so much, he thought it would burst. Jihoon avoided his eyes, slapped Soonyoung’s hand away from his face to cover it.
“We’re already together, Soonyoung.” Jihoon’s tone was firm despite the embarrassment. He still didn’t look at Soonyoung, which was more endearing to Soonyoung’s eyes.
“I know,” and boy, was that such a glorious thing to say, “but I want to take you out on a date.”
Jihoon finally lowered his hand. He blinked with a raised brow. He stretched his neck back, eyes wandering maybe to see if Soonyoung grew another head. Or if he was being controlled or something.
But Soonyoung pulled Jihoon’s head back closer to him and gave him a quick peck on the forehead. Jihoon slapped a hand on his forehead, the flush rushing back up in full force that it reached the tip of his ears. Soonyoung smiled widely, his cheeks puffing up and his eyes narrowing into slits. “I love you, Ji.”
The blush on Jihoon’s face grew darker than Soonyoung thought possible, but he felt no remorse. He always loved telling Jihoon how he felt every five goddamn minutes of every goddamn day.
Jihoon’s hand moved from his own forehead to cupping Soonyoung’s face. It surprised Soonyoung. The sudden movement was too quick to react to (and he was probably going to get scolded for it later), but the soft press of the lips on his own made his own face turn red.
Soonyoung gaped. The smug smile morphed to surprise. His eyes grew wide again, and his heart beat erratically. Was this what Jihoon always felt?
Jihoon avoided looking into his eyes again, but the hand were warm and rough on his cheeks. The callouses and bumps against his face were comforting. Jihoon nodded, a slow dip of his head, just once. He bit his lower lip, and the tips of his ears were almost dangerously red. Soonyoung smiled, gawkily, cheekily, as he pulled Jihoon closer by the waist to kiss him back square in the mouth. The mat underneath them was hard and scratchy, but it didn’t matter. Not to Soonyoung.
Nothing else ever mattered when it came to Jihoon.
The kiss lasted a while, and Soonyoung suddenly remembered that he was parched, almost close to dehydrated. The oxygen he worked hard to return taken away again by Jihoon. Their lips bumped and pressed against each other. Their tongues darting out to lick, to tease, to lure back into someone’s mouth. There were teeth scraping, nibbling, biting. They sucked in a breath just for a second when they moved their heads. It was wet and loud and lewd, and it echoed badly within the dojo.
In the end, Jihoon couldn’t handle it and pushed Soonyoung away a bit for better air access. Soonyoung swallowed, his throat itching for water. His heaving was back, but it was all practically forgotten as he watched Jihoon wipe his mouth with the back of his hand, still not looking at Soonyoung directly.
Soonyoung was about to reach for Jihoon to kiss him again when he coughed a fit. There was a look of panic in Jihoon’s face (the one time he decided to finally look at Soonyoung). The coughing was dry and old-man-wheezing. It sounded scratchy, as if thorns were crawling up Soonyoung’s throat.
Jihoon sat up and searched for the bottle of water he dropped. Once he saw it, he reached for it and handed it to Soonyoung. He helped Soonyoung sit up, a hand supporting his back.
“You’re an idiot,” Jihoon whispered under his breath. “You never once drank water, did you?”
Soonyoung smiled, the corner of his lips twitching up as he gulped carefully. The water tasted good with his parched throat. “I lost track of time.”
“You overworked yourself, didn’t you?”
Soonyoung paused, lowering the bottle of water. His fingers curled around the bottle. Carefully, and by counting backwards slowly from ten, he unfurled his fingers one by one lest he crush the bottle. It was still more than halfway full, and it was a waste if he didn’t finish it before breaking the bottle. It was Soonyoung’s turn to not look directly at Jihoon. After a few moments of silence, Jihoon seemed to realize what he said.
Soonyoung reiterated anyway. “You’re overworking yourself too.” It was in the present tense, and that made it all the more horrible.
“You barely sleep,” Soonyoung began, shuffling closer to Jihoon again, “you barely eat. You run on coffee and a ten-minute nap. Forty to sixty, if I’m lucky. There are crumbs all over your desk, and cartons within cartons of ramyeon in your trash basket. You have eyebags darker than the night sky, and bigger than the actual bags Jeonghan brings with him.”
He ran a hand carefully down Jihoon’s face. His thumb caressed a path, from his forehead, to his eyelids, to under his eyes, to his cheeks. Jihoon revelled in the touch, pressing his cheek against Soonyoung’s palm. He brought his own hand to catch Soonyoung’s. It was intimate.
“If you’re accusing me of overworking,” Soonyoung continued, brushing away Jihoon’s fringe with his other hand, “what would that make you?”
Jihoon chuckled, breathless and seemingly pathetic. “An even bigger idiot than you, apparently.”
With that one sentence, everything felt alright. Soonyoung smiled, let out a chuckle of his own and kissed all over Jihoon’s face again. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough. There was a sense of accomplishment whenever he got to kiss Jihoon.
“I can’t wait to tell Seungcheol,” Soonyoung said with a teasing grin after he kissed Jihoon’s face, “that you just admitted to being a bigger idiot than me. This is just --”
Jihoon tackled Soonyoung, arms wrapped around his neck and hands cushioning the back of Soonyoung’s head. Soonyoung laughed out loud, high pitched and giggly. He wrapped his own arms around Jihoon’s frame. Jihoon’s height (and Jihoon was surely going to kill Soonyoung if he knew this) was the perfect height for Soonyoung’s own. Jihoon wasn’t tall or lanky. Neither did he have soft and curved sides like a woman would.
Lee Jihoon was muscle. Broad shoulders, wide chest, rough and calloused hands. They fit together like a glove. There was absolutely nothing soft about Jihoon.
“C’mon,” Soonyoung said, flipping them around so that Jihoon lied on his back with Soonyoung on top of him, on all fours. “It’s still early.”
“Earl-- what?!” Soonyoung gave Jihoon a quick peck on the lips before pulling him to stand. He ignored Jihoon’s protesting, “Kwon Soonyoung, it’s two in the morning! Where are you taking me?!”
“It’s early!” Soonyoung insisted, laughing as he shouted. He pushed Jihoon out of the dojo as he grabbed his back and slung it over his head. He locked the door of the dojo before he turned around to grab Jihoon’s wrist again. “I’m taking you out on a date.”
“We just had a conversation about overworking, Kwon! Let’s go home!”
“I’m hungry,” Soonyoung said, whether for Jihoon’s sake or his was his own secret, “and it’s such a beautiful evening. It’d be a waste if you don’t look up, Ji.”
Jihoon looked up. His eyes grew wide. It was a starry night. There were no cloud blocking the twinkling stars in sight. The streetlamps gave off an ugly glare compared to the stars and the moon, but it didn’t stop them from glowing beautifully. It took Jihoon’s breath away.
Soonyoung whistled and called for a taxi. Considering it was two in the morning, they were able to get one quickly. “Han river, please!” Soonyoung nudged Jihoon to slide in, and Jihoon followed. Soonyoung squished himself into the car before closing the door a little harder than necessary. They both winced, and Soonyoung apologized as the driver slowly eased back into the traffic.
The ride was quiet. They only gave fleeting touches, wary of the driver giving them odd looks from the rearview mirror. Maybe because Jihoon was actually in a three-piece suit, and Soonyoung wore a tank top underneath the unzipped parka and sweatpants. They were an odd looking pair. While Jihoon felt uncomfortable, even moving around to make the ride feel easier, Soonyoung just snuck his hand in between them and placed it on top of Jihoon’s.
It was a reassurance that caught Jihoon off guard. He flinched, surprised at the sudden touch, but Soonyoung kept his hand on Jihoon’s, as usual. When Jihoon turned to Soonyoung, he was looking out the window, a smile on his face that Jihoon could see despite the angle.
What felt like forever to Jihoon was nearly a blink of an eye to Soonyoung. They arrived at the drop off place and Soonyoung threw bills at the driver. He grabbed Jihoon’s wrist again and pulled him out of the taxi. The sound of the wind and the river was soothing.
It was cool against Jihoon’s skin. The wind was strong and cold. Jihoon shivered as he huddled closer, hugging himself with his arms and pulling the blazer closer to his body. He blew some air, and he could faintly see his own breath. There were sounds of rustling, a zipper being opened and even more rustling beside him. By the time Jihoon was able to open his eyes and handle the cold, a scarf wrapped around his neck. Twice. It was warm and it covered half of his face.
“Can’t let you get sick now, can I?” Soonyoung said with a smile. Jihoon stared at Soonyoung from head to toe. His brows furrowed in irritation when he saw that Soonyoung’s parka was still unzipped. He slapped Soonyoung’s hands away and pulled him closer by the lapels of his parka. Soonyoung blinked widely and repeatedly in surprise. Jihoon reached down, hooked the zipper, and zipped Soonyoung up quickly with a glare.
Soonyoung chuckled, his breath appearing at each exhale. Jihoon turned and walked closer to the river despite his earlier protest. Soonyoung shoved his hands into the pockets and shook his head, fondly watching Jihoon walk in front of him slowly because of the wind and the cold. (The thought of just giving Jihoon the parka did cross his mind, but so did the image of Jihoon punching him.)
“Ji,” Soonyoung called out, jogging, “wait up!”
“So,” Jihoon said with his mouth full of rice, “why did you even bring me here?”
Luckily, they found a convenience store that was open twenty-four hours. They sat inside to warm themselves, foregoing a picnic near the river. (Jihoon glared when Soonyoung reached for a mat.) Soonyoung stared at him with blinking eyes and noodles halfway in his mouth. He slurped loudly, raised a hand to ask Jihoon to wait for his answer.
“I told you,” Soonyoung answered with a mouth half full, “I wanted to take you on a date.”
“At two in the morning?”
“Spur of the moment.” Soonyoung shrugged and raised his cup ramyeon to drink the soup.
“You’ve got to be kidding me, Kwon.” Jihoon took another bite out of his rice ball and popped a tteokbokki in his mouth along with it.
“To be honest,” Soonyoung said, straightening up in his seat, “I wanted to bring you to ahjumma’s.”
Jihoon snorted. The food he was chewing entered the wrong pipe. He coughed, and pounded his chest in an attempt to clear his esophagus. The gochujang crawled up his nasal passage and it was painful. Soonyoung winced and offered him a bottle of water. When Jihoon swallowed and was able to breathe properly again, he threw Soonyoung another glare.
Soonyoung rolled his eyes and gave Jihoon a table napkin. “I’m going to go back there, Ji.”
Jihoon lowered his head. His brows was furrowed so deep his forehead that it almost caused a dull headache. His hands were curled into fists and he was glad he was able to put his rice ball, chopsticks, and the bottled water down on the table before anger bubbled up his veins. He bit his lower lip because he knew Soonyoung loved the ahjumma. Soonyoung loved the ahjumma so much that he was prepared to say “screw it” and get beaten to a bloody pulp.
“You don’t have to like it,” Soonyoung said, snapping Jihoon out of his thoughts. “But wasn’t that why the Boss kept calling you recently? So that whatever happened to me wouldn’t happen again?”
Jihoon inhaled deeply, his eyes still closed and his hands still curled into fists. It took him a few more breaths but Soonyoung allowed him those moments. This was a conversation they should have had weeks ago. He was glad that Jihoon wasn’t walking away from him, at least.
“I can’t stop thinking about how you looked that day,” Jihoon admitted, distraught. Soonyoung kept silent. “When I saw you in the hospital, you were already stitched and bandaged up. But even then, you looked horrible.”
There was an urge to crack a joke, because that was just how Soonyoung worked. He had his moments when he was serious, but this was too serious. That was also the reason why he had to swallow down and stomp on his sense of humor and bad timing.
“Every night,” Jihoon gulped, “you appear worse and worse for wear. With more bruises. With less blood. Soonyoung, I can’t--”
“Hey,” Soonyoung quickly stood, forced Jihoon’s chair to turn to face him as Soonyoung kneeled in front of him. “Hey. I’m here, Ji. I’m okay.”
“And I know that!” Jihoon said, eyes glistening with tears. It gave Soonyoung such a shock that he gaped. But he inhaled and exhaled, his face determined to comfort Jihoon in any and every way he could. “But I can’t help it, Soonyoung. I can’t control the thoughts, the nightmares. And I know it’s stupid because we’re in the mob! We’ve been through worse, and we’re probably going to go through even more horrible things that we can’t imagine but I just-- Soonyoung, I can’t handle seeing you like that again.”
The tears never fell because Jihoon was a strong man. Lee Jihoon was a strong man who faced burly and more muscular men than him, and came out on top. But Lee Jihoon was also just human.
Soonyoung stood, and cupped Jihoon’s face. Carefully, he raised Jihoon’s face to look at him. He gave Jihoon’s forehead a kiss, to his eyelids, to his cheeks, to the corner of his mouth. They were lucky enough that there weren’t anyone inside the convenience store. The only employee that evening went around the back for an inventory count, so Soonyoung took the opportunity to steal small kisses.
“I can’t promise you that I won’t get hurt, Ji,” Soonyoung said as Jihoon buried his face against Soonyoung’s chest, pulling what he was able to grasp of Soonyoung’s parka. Because they were in the mob. He wasn’t about to give an empty promise and tell Jihoon a white lie. He didn’t believe in those kinds of relationships. “I can’t promise that I’ll never put myself in danger either. I don’t know what I can promise, Jihoon.”
Jihoon inhaled deeply, basking in Soonyoung’s scent. He exhaled just as deeply, but it was shaky at the force of trying to stop his tears. He pulled Soonyoung closer in an attempt to meld them together because maybe, just maybe, Soonyoung could promise him his safety.
“But I won’t throw away my life just like that.” Soonyoung said with conviction. He stepped back and raised Jihoon’s face again by the chin. He gave Jihoon a small smile. It was soft, small, reassuring. He bent down so that their foreheads and their noses touched. “I finally got you. I’m not about to give you up anytime soon, Ji.”
Jihoon released another shaky breath, a chuckle and a smile. Trust Kwon Soonyoung to deliver a cheesy line while holding Lee Jihoon. “How does that solve my problem, Kwon?”
Soonyoung shrugged. “Our lives are difficult, Ji. We have responsibilities to the family, to the Boss. To Mingyu. Everyday I thank god that we’re still alive and I get to still see you. To still tell you I love you.”
“Like you do every five goddamn minutes, every goddamn day.” Jihoon teased, his shoulder muscles easing and relaxing at their banter. Soonyoung always had a skill with making Jihoon feel both relaxed and frustrated at the same time.
“I can’t promise you that I won’t get hurt. I don’t think I can promise you eternity either. But I’ll promise to love you with my entire being. I’ll promise to always be by your side, even when you don’t want me anymore.” Jihoon reached for Soonyoung’s wrists as his hands cupped Jihoon’s face again. Jihoon’s hold tightened after every word that came out of Soonyoung’s mouth.
“I can’t promise that things will be okay right away, but I can promise that I’ll fight them with you. Nightmares. Enemies. Lower sector bastards who think they have enough power just because they have guns and hostages.”
Jihoon elbowed his stomach, and Soonyoung stumbled back with an oomph. He rubbed his stomach in circles and gave Jihoon an apologetic smile. “Too soon?”
Jihoon rolled his eyes and shook his head. He crossed his arms in defense, and no he was not pouting. Soonyoung chuckled.
“Come on,” Soonyoung said, pulling Jihoon to stand again, “the sun’s about to rise.”
They threw their empty cartons and water bottles properly before leaving. There was a muffled “thank you for coming!” inside, but Soonyoung rushed them out to get closer to the river.
They walked a bit, right by the river bank. The wind was somewhat warmer, and the horizon was starting to glow an orange-yellow. Jihoon followed behind Soonyoung, watching the sun slowly rising from its rest.
Soonyoung turned around and reached for Jihoon’s hands. They were cold against Soonyoung’s palms. He pulled Jihoon closer, placing Jihoon’s hands to wrap around his neck. His hands traveled to the small of Jihoon’s back, and pulled him even closer until their chests were touching.
“I love you, Ji,” Soonyoung whispered as he lowered his head to reach Jihoon’s lips. “From the moon to the sea.”
Jihoon pushed from the side of Soonyoung’s head. Soonyoung winced with a yelp, temporarily releasing his hold around Jihoon to rub his head. “What the hell, Ji?”
“We’re by the river, Kwon.”
Soonyoung rolled his eyes hard, but he smiled at Jihoon and Jihoon returned it with his own. He wrapped his arm back around Jihoon. “Way to ruin a romantic moment, Ji.”
Jihoon narrowed his eyes despite the smile still on his face. Soonyoung bumped their foreheads together softly. There was a pout on his lips and he looked both like a kicked puppy and a confused hamster. This time, it was Jihoon’s turn to roll his eyes. He grabbed Soonyoung by the back of his head and pulled him in for a kiss.
When they parted, Jihoon kept their foreheads together and whispered against Soonyoung’s lips, “I love you too, Soonyoung. From the moon. To the sea. So much so, that even Mingyu would be able to tell.”
Soonyoung took a step back, his face morphing into surprise. “Oh god.”
“What?”
“I forgot to tell you. Mingyu has a crush on the librarian.” Soonyoung said, a gleeful and teasing smile spread on his lips. He squealed like an excited child receiving a toy he’d always asked for. “Mingyu has a crush on the librarian, Ji! The librarian!”
Jihoon pinched the bridge of his nose. “For the love of-- he won’t make us go there often, will he?”
Soonyoung snuck a quick kiss against Jihoon’s lips, catching him off guard. Jihoon looked at him in mild disgust and embarrassment, but as usual, the tips of his ears were dark red and it wasn’t because of the cold.
“Who knows, Ji,” Soonyoung said, stopping suddenly that Jihoon bumped into his side. He reached for Jihoon and wrapped an arm around Jihoon’s waist as they turned and watched the sun completely rise. Behind them, there were cars that began driving and honking. Motorcycles roared with their engines, and there were people from the far ends of the river either jogging or riding a bicycle. The city was awake, and Soonyoung never felt so glad to be alive.
He bumped his forehead against the side of Jihoon’s temple and closed his eyes with a smile. “Maybe they’ll end up kissing each other. They'll kiss and then fall in love.”
Jihoon rolled his eyes fondly, but he wrapped his own arm around Soonyoung’s waist as well and kissed Soonyoung’s forehead. Soonyoung pulled back a bit and smiled widely before turning his head to the horizon.
“Yeah,” Jihoon whispered softly, his gaze on Soonyoung fond, soft, and satisfied. Soonyoung was watching the sunrise with an excited look on his face. For the first time in weeks, he felt that Soonyoung was right. The nightmares were going to stop. Not immediately, because that’s not how it worked, but it will. He’s with Soonyoung. Maybe everything was going to be okay. “Maybe.”