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when the going is long gone
and the kick drum won’t kick
when you fumble with your fiddle and you’re fresh out of tricks
She had seen him first from across the room in their orientation meetings. He was loud, he brought snacks to class, and he never wore his uniform properly.
Lucretia adored him from the start.
She could not quite place her affection, nor tell anyone where it came from. She was not attracted to Magnus Burnsides, though he was quite handsome, and she would tell him so later, much later, in a life she had no idea she'd ever live.
(she'd tell him that in cycle 84, when they came across a world that was different from their own, and in some ways much the same, and magnus met a beautiful girl and didn't know what to say and wondered if she'd even look and lucretia had told him gently, hand over his, that anyone would be lucky to spend even just a moment of their life with him)
One particular afternoon, he came late to class, and the seat next to Lucretia, as it often was, was empty. He lowered himself down next to her, reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded package of sour gummy worms and said, “Want one?”
She looked at him, and the crumpled package of candy, and the wide, earnest expression on his face.
“Sure,” she said.
It was a long time before they spoke again, but they shared a smile every so often, and when it was abruptly announced by one of their instructors that it was Lucretia's birthday, that next day he brought her an obnoxiously colored card and a bag of her own sour worms. Not a word was spoken, no pleasantries exchanged. Lucretia didn't learn Magnus's birthday for quite some time.
The process of being chosen for the exploration mission was grueling. Lucretia's particular background did not lend itself to the complex obstacle courses and sparring sessions she observed Magnus going through. Her particular “audition” required she demonstrate a skill for the chosen captain. Captain Davenport was a rather looming figure in her mind – everyone at the IPRE spoke of him, of his unparalleled skill as a pilot and a navigator, how it had been a no-brainer to hand over the wheel of the Starblaster to him. Lucretia felt a lump grow in her throat that morning as she practiced writing in her journals again and again, as she organized and reorganized her portfolio, her classification systems, and quizzed herself on every possible plane she could think of.
She stood outside the auditorium, the last that morning to showcase for Davenport, and heard a familiar rustling.
“Worm?”
Lucretia looked up. Magnus's broad shoulders blocked out the harsh lights on the ceiling, the light forming a corona around the edges of his body. She took the candy wordlessly. “You're gonna crush it,” he said.
Lucretia wanted to blurt out, You don't even know me, but his confidence was overwhelming.
“There aren't a lot of humans here,” he said. “It's not a bad thing,” he added, “it's really cool. Back home, it's all humans, you know. I just...I bet you'll be on that ship. I'd bet money on it.”
“...Thank you.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Any time.” And he turned and walked down the hall, stopping to lean over the clownishly small water fountain and take a long drink. The door to the auditorium swung open, and a woman in a red jacket looked down at her clipboard and back up.
“It's just you,” she said. “Come on in.”
(for a reason she couldn't explain, as the thing they would someday call the hunger descended on their world, lucretia grabbed magnus's wrist and gripped it tight. as if holding him might stop her from flying into space, into the maw of this thing that suddenly consumed her world as if it were nothing.
it's not nothing, she thought. there's candy and red coats and all my books.
as if that might help.)
“You know something?” Magnus leaned against the railing of the Starblaster, his jacket tied around his waist. He'd just returned from training with the Power Bear, and Lucretia was trying to get him to straighten up so she could put disinfectant on one of his scrapes.
“What?” she said, abandoning the task.
“I think I'm starting to understand.”
“Again,” Lucretia said, “what, exactly?”
He looked at her. There was something about the cut over his brow, and the swelling of his lip that suddenly made him so infinitely young to her. He was hardly two years her senior, but Lucretia had always felt older than she had any right to be. And here she was, standing on the bow of this ship, trying to convince this boy that he needed to hold still for just a second longer, long enough to get his cuts cleaned, cuts that would open up again in the morning when he threw himself at the bear for hours, when he –
The ship jolted, and Davenport swore.
“...Sorry!” Lup's voice carried through the ship and Magnus burst out laughing. He put a hand on Lucretia's shoulder.
“I'm understanding this,” he said.
It took her a long time to realize what he meant.
When he died the first time, it surprised her, but she wasn't sure she felt it. As they left that world of talking beasts, and Magnus was lost, Lucretia didn't know how to react, even more so after he reappeared, after they all seemed to return to the way they'd been the moment they'd left. Magnus with his black eye, fresh and pained.
When he died in the mushroom world, Lucretia choked. He was the only one they'd managed to lose so far, the only one that had left them. Left her.
They found him dead in his sleep on the edge of camp while looking for the light, and some of them carried him back to the ship. Lucretia was the only one there, the only one who saw him in those first moments – sick and pale and so very still. He felt young under her hands, and she suddenly felt so ancient.
“Magnus...”
Barry found her there, pouring over his body, trying to straighten his clothes and right him for something proper, a proper funeral, maybe.
They never really have the chance usually.
“Here,” Barry said, and helped her finish the job. “It won't be long,” he added, in a way Lucretia wished he didn't have to. She wished they didn't need to know how all of this would end.
They laid him out and Barry and Merle dug the grave. Merle read a blessing.
Lucretia...wrote. As she always did.
And when he came back to them, when everything rushed back in, Lucretia held her hands close to her chest and smiled, tears streaming down her cheeks without warning.
“Hey,” Magnus said. “What's wrong? Did you miss me?” He held his arms out for a hug and Lucretia allowed it.
It felt wonderful.
“Not at all,” she said, and let him hold her for a long, long time.
Magnus slapped a hand down on the bar and grinned at her. “We're getting drunk.”
“We're not,” Lucretia said, adjusting her glasses. “We shouldn't,” she added.
“There's a bar here, Lu.” She rarely allowed him to nickname her, but he'd found some wine earlier in the evening and they were both rather tipsy as they managed to make their way through the little city they'd discovered. Lup and Taako were busy making friends, Davenport was guarding the ship, and Merle was...somewhere. Barry, too. It was just the two of them, and Lucretia was sort of thrilled to have him to herself.
It felt like having –
“A glass of wine for my sister!” Magnus shouted, and the barkeeper shook his head and chuckled.
Lucretia blinked. “Sister?”
Magnus suddenly looked sheepish, ashamed of his sudden outburt. “Uh...yeah. Sorry? That's...I just mean you and I have been hanging out a lot more and I feel like we got closer and I never...had siblings. Or much family. And you're...you're the only person who--”
“Magnus.” She put a hand over his and finally closed her journal. She took the wine, drained it, and asked for another. “I'd like to be your sister.”
His expression brightened. “Yeah?”
Lucretia laughed. “Yeah.”
Later he took her out onto the dancefloor and taught her to spin and they walked back to the ship arm in arm and Lucretia felt like she was home for the first time in so long.
Is this what family feels like? She wondered.
And she wondered it all the time after. When Magnus remembered her birthday and found her a quiet place to spend the day. When she found him some kind of new weapon to practice with, when they discovered a new bar together, when they lost Barry, and Team Human was a little less full the rest of the year.
She felt it cycle 39, when they were attacked and Lucretia –
The pain that rushed through her was visceral and raw and she shouted with the shock of it, so loud that Magnus turned from his fight at the sound of her voice.
“No!” He hacked and swung at the creatures that were left and ran to her, grabbing her up and hoisting her into his arms. “Hang on,” he said. “Lucretia just...just hang on.”
She choked on blood and gripped his jacket. He never wore it right.
“Please don't leave me,” he begged. “Please don't.”
“Barry,” she managed. “Barry knows how the journals work. Tell Barry--”
“I won't tell Barry shit,” he snarled, “because you're not going to die.” He laid her down and looked at the wound in her stomach and closed his eyes. “We...we just got here.”
“...Magnus--”
“How am I supposed to go an entire year without you?”
She wanted to tell him, now you know how I feel, since he was still so willing and ready to throw himself into the fire, but that didn't seem right.
He was sobbing now, and Lucretia had seen him cry, certainly, a few times. But this was...
Oh, it hurt.
“I'll be back,” she said. And she felt herself beginning to slip away, as the faces of her friends crested the hill, and Magnus held her and wept and pleaded and shouted –
please don't leave me. please don't go.
And then she opened her eyes, and he was holding her and shaking and crying and cradling her face in his hands you're back, you're back, thank god you're back.
“I told you.”
“Don't ever do that again.”
She froze in his arms before pushing back. “Then promise me something,” she said.
“Anything, fuck, Lucretia. Anything you want.”
She took a step back. “That you'll take care of yourself. That you won't throw your life away anymore. I know we can't always help it, but you don't have to...to sacrifice every chance you get.”
Magnus blinked. “...Oh.”
“Oh what?”
“...Nothing.” He looked at his boots. “Um, yeah. Yeah I'll...be more careful.” He sniffed and then grinned, looking at her and reaching out to brush a thumb over her forehead. “Anything for my big sister.”
Lucretia stared after him.
Lup touched her elbow. “It was really hard for him. I don't think he realized how much he needed you.” She looked down the hall. “I think he always figured you'd be there. That you didn't need him so much.”
“That's not true.”
Lup shrugged. “Men are thick, what can I say?” And she turned and headed toward the kitchen after Taako, leaving Lucretia with...everything.
Later, she went to his room and knocked. When she saw him, it was obvious he'd been crying, and she reached out and took him into her arms, which was a feat considering. But he grew small in her embrace, and they sunk to the floor of his room as he wept, and Lucretia murmured to him.
“I won't leave you again.”
“I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry.” He looked at her. “I'm not as important as you.”
“That's not true.” She gripped his chin in her fingers. “That is not true, Magnus.”
“You and your journals, everything you do--”
“You are important,” she snapped. “Don't ever forget that.” Lucretia held him tighter. “You're my brother,” she said. “You are the most important person in the world.”
After, they worked together more. Magnus helped her take risks, and Lucretia helped him stay focused. They were powerful in a fight together, powerful when they trained and practiced together. Lucretia wanted to live in the moments they spent for her entire life, and when the Hunger arrived, she found Magnus at her side, his fingers laced through hers, her hand gripping his – their bond holding each other down, keeping them from flying away.
She lost him again a few cycles later, but it wasn't his fault. They were ambushed looking for the light, and he lay there staring up at the trees. It was quiet, after the fight, and the wind pushed the branches overhead. Magnus smiled. “S'like the waves,” he murmured. “On the beach. Remember?”
“Yes,” she said, smoothing his hair away from his forehead. “You built me a sandcastle.”
“Can't believe you'd never made one,” he said. His grip on her hand began to loosen. “I'm sorry,” he whispered.
“Don't be. You were very brave.”
“And you were very clever.” He exhaled long and low. “I love you,” he said.
It was the last words he said to her until he reappeared again on the Starblaster. Lucretia leaned down and kissed his forehead.
“I love you, too.”
“No,” he said to the...jellyfish, she supposed. “It's okay, she's with me. She's my sister,” he said. The creature seemed to delight in her, though it adored Magnus, that much was obvious, particularly after they brought it back to the ship. He carved them both ducks, now, and having Fischer in her room meant she and Magnus spent more time there on the floor together, talking to one another, telling secrets and jokes. He tried to teach her to carve, but she was miserable at it.
“It's alright,” he said. He handed her a box. “This is for all your pens and stuff,” he added. He'd carved a duck into the lid. “I feel like ducks are gonna be my thing.”
“Interesting choice in aesthetics.”
“They're cute,” he argued.
“Yes,” she agreed.
“Not as cute as that dog we saw though.” Lucretia made a face. “I don't understand you.”
“Dogs are...” She made a noise and Magnus shook his head. “You be the dog person in the family, I'll be the cat person.”
He considered this. “Fine. But when this is...when it's over. I'm getting a damn dog.”
She choked on her laughter so many times. “A free backrub?”
“There's nothing here,” he argued. “So...happy birthday!” Lucretia rolled with laughter, falling off her bed and howling on the floor. “I give amazing backrubs.”
“You literally just move your hand back and forth on someone's back, Magnus.”
“Yeah, and I'm very good at it.”
And he was.
On his birthday, she recycled the coupon, and it was like this on the years when they couldn't find something real to give one another. Lucretia liked to use hers as the year was ending, and Magnus would sit beside her at the kitchen table and run his hand over her back, smoothing out the tension and worry.
Magnus used his more sparingly, when he said he felt like he hadn't been touched in ages. When the touch of a woman he didn't know wasn't enough – he came back to the Starblaster and handed her the coupon, and Lucretia wrapped her arms around him and pushed out the loneliness until all that was left was the two of them.
Their little family.
So this is what it's like to be a sister, she thought, though she knew they were closer than any brother and sister could have been in their own world.
He'd died in her arms, a dozen times over.
She'd begged him to stay with her, and they'd rejoiced in each others' return.
That year she spent alone was the hardest. Every second was spent surviving and Lucretia would often imagine her friends around her, guiding her, telling her what move to make.
She thought of Magnus so much she almost thought he'd come back to her.
She talked to him. And he answered.
“I won't make it,” she said. “What will I do when I don't make it?”
You will, he'd told her. You'll make it.
“You're only saying that because you're my brother and you have to.”
I love you, he said, in the voice he'd said it in a thousand, a million times
Lucretia gripped the railing of the Starblaster. “I miss you,” she whispered and sobbed into the night.
But she never gave up and she never gave in.
She told Magnus the story as they sat on the floor of the kitchen in the next cycle, eating something sweet they'd found in town, washing it down with wine bottle after wine bottle.
“You're amazing,” he slurred and Lucretia leaned her head on his shoulder. “I'm sorry we left you.”
“You didn't mean to.” She ate more of the concoction, drank more wine. “But I did it,” she agreed. “I fucking did it.”
He laughed. “I love it when you swear.”
“Well, you see.” She nudged him. “I've got this obnoxious younger brother, and he's taught me a few things.”
“Sounds like a real pain in the ass.”
“He is,” she agreed. “But he's worth every second of pain and sorrow I've endured. Some of it because of him.”
Magnus swallowed. “I'm sure he's very sorry.”
Lucretia leaned her head on his shoulder. “He doesn't have to be. He never has to be.” Then: “...You owe me nothing, Magnus.”
“No,” he said. She felt his breathing even. They were going to fall asleep here, and that was alright.
“I owe you everything.”
She felt proud to watch him make the chalice. She felt fear when he was nearly lost keeping it somewhere safe. Refuge, he said, was a good town. Good people, too.
Lucretia felt her pain begin grow, and grow, and grow.
Nothing could quell this feeling.
Lup disappeared.
Barry was distraught. Taako was...lonely. Lucretia spent more time with Magnus, hungry for that feeling, but he was beginning to thin out, too, and the time they spent together was punctured with bickering and stupid, pointless fights.
Lucretia couldn't bear this any longer.
She'd had the plan, ever since she'd been showered with the voidfish's ichor in the cave. She had to do this.
Even if it hurt like hell.
“You weren't supposed to see this, I'm so sorry.”
And he looked at her, and she could see him slipping. She held his face in her hands and held on for a moment longer. Just...just one moment more.
“I'm gonna find you a place where you can be happy again, it's just for a little while, and then, you'll remember. I promise.”
And he stared. And he blinked.
“...Who are you?”
Lucretia sobbed. She tried to tell him. She tried to explain.
But in the end –
“I love you, Magnus. I love all of you. I'm sorry.”
It'll be over soon.
She'd never lied to him before.
She hated that she had to.
Magnus was happy after that. Lucretia never spoke to him, she didn't want to give herself away, and she didn't think she could bear to hear his voice say her name without...without knowing her.
But her brother got married, and she couldn't miss that. She disguised herself with a spell, masked her voice. She had to say something. She needed to look him in the eye and have him look back.
At the reception, he was alone for only a moment, and she went to him.
“Magnus.”
He turned, and he was older now, his beard fuller and hands rougher when he shook hers.
“Do I know you?”
She gave him a fake name and they chatted idly for a moment. She managed to make him laugh. He made her smile.
Her brother...married and happy.
It was what she wanted.
It was always what she wanted, even if she had desperately wished to be a part of it.
“I'm so happy for you,” she said, choking back tears. “You...you are so lucky.” She looked at Julia. “You are so loved.” He followed her gaze and she took that chance to disappear, watching his expression grow confused until his wife came to him and he spun her around, all memory of the strange woman gone.
(when she heard that raven's roost was buried, that everyone, almost everyone, had died, she screamed. she screamed and screamed and davenport watched her and said nothing and she threw things at the wall until she had nothing left the throw so she made more things and she screamed until there was nothing left inside of her.
what did i do, what did i do, what did i do.)
(and she wanted him to hug her, the first time she saw him again. but she was the director. she wasn't his sister.
not today.
perhaps never again.)
“I lost a brother,” she told him once. They walked the grounds together, the first time she'd dared let herself be alone with him.
“I'm sorry. I've never had any siblings,” he said.
“It is a gift. He wasn't my brother by birth,” she added. “But we became like siblings. He protected me, and I protected him. Losing him was...it was like losing myself, but the parts of me you can't see.”
Magnus nodded. He understood. She wondered if a small part of him recognized her, but there wasn't a chance of that.
He said quietly, “You said lost. I know you might...might mean he did, but...it doesn't seem like he did.”
“No,” she said. “You're right. He's alive, but he's...too far for me to find. I don't know if I ever will--”
Magnus put a hand on her shoulder, and she froze.
“Hey,” he said. “You'll find him. I really think you will.”
And he hugged her, and she wanted to tell him everything, fix it all right now, but –
“...Thank you,” she said.
(she stared at him from across her office. he knew her, now. knew her as completely as he once had.
“...why?” he whispered, but she had no answer.)
“I was so myopic, I didn't--”
And there he was. He held her, he gripped her tight, he kissed her forehead and held her face in his hands and said, “It's okay, little sister.”
Lucretia blinked up at him before leaping and throwing her arms around his neck. He spun her, once, and they laughed, like they hadn't in years.
“I'm sorry,” she said, sobbing. “Magnus, I'm so sorry.”
He shook his head. “You owe me nothing,” he said, an echo. “You were very brave.” He brushed a tear from her cheek.
Lucretia smiled. “And you were very clever.”
“Come on,” he said, and put a hand on her shoulder. “Let's go save the world.”
In the years that followed, they came and went from one another, but Magnus...Magnus built them a home. A place where they could be a family together. Everyone was welcome, everyone was always welcome, but she found herself there more often than not, and they began to grow old together in the waning years.
He talked her into keeping one of his dogs, and Lucretia found she enjoyed the company of the canine Fischer quite a lot, though she maintained, ideally to tease, that she was a cat person for the rest of her life.
She finally heard stories of Julia, of Magnus's rich, perfect love. She heard his pain, she heard his fears. She saw him adopt Angus, saw the two of them grow into a family of their own, with her right there.
And when it was time to say goodbye, she settled into a chair at his bedside and rested a hand on his arm.
“I'm going to miss you,” she said. “But I'll see you soon.”
“Yeah,” he managed. “Anyone tell you you're lookin' old lately, sis?”
“You're an asshole.”
“Well, I love you,” he said.
She smiled and rested her hand on his wrist, stroking her thumb over it in slow circles. “I love you, too.”
(when she followed, when lup and barry took her to the other side, lup leaned close and whispered, someone's waiting for you.
and you know?
he was. standing on the edge of a beautiful sea, his pants legs rolled up, feet in the foam of the waves.
hey, sis.
and he reached out and took her hand.
and they were young again together as they walked into that sea of souls, rejoining loved ones who had gone before.
found, as they had once been all those years ago.)