Work Text:
An "Attack on Titan" Eruri one-shot
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, nor do I make profit from writing this.
The afternoon sunlight was slanting in through the open window. It was a cool October day, and Levi was on one of his cleaning sprees. Presently, he was in Erwin Smith's office dusting off the bookshelves while his commander busily penned up the next expedition proposal to the brass. Levi was so occupied with decimating every last speck of dust he could find that Erwin's sudden burst of movement made him jump with surprise.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" asked the captain after seeing Erwin abruptly stand up, sending his desk chair careening into the wall in his haste.
Erwin was staring intently down at his desk, having backed up to the window and nearly tripping himself on his own chair in the process. He nodded meaningfully, wordlessly at his desk. Levi peered at it, and as soon as he saw the problem, he tensed up.
"Oh, I see." His voice wasn't quite as level as normal. "Leave it to you to attract the titan of fucking spiders to your workspace."
Erwin was eyeballing the large brown and black, hairy arachnid warily. It was easily the size of the average fist. "Where did it come from?"
"How should I know?" Levi crept a little closer, holding his dusters like a pair of weapons. "You think I invited the thing in for tea?"
"Well, it can't stay in here."
Levi looked up at the blond man, and his piercing gray eyes narrowed over the dust rag covering his mouth and nose. "Am I supposed to translate that into 'Levi, kill this thing for humanity'?"
"That would be a good interpretation, yes." Erwin hadn't moved from his spot, and the spider seemed to be watching him.
Levi shivered discreetly. "It's your office. You do it."
Erwin's bright blue gaze met his, and the commander frowned. "Not on top of my paperwork."
The captain sighed. "I'm disappointed in you. Maybe we should start calling you 'Commander Chickenshit'."
"I don't see you making a move," retorted Erwin levelly. "Shouldn't 'Humanity's Strongest' be prepared for such a minor task?"
Levi tugged his dust scarf down, frowning at the taller man. "Okay, fine. Here's what we'll do: you grab a book or something while I try swatting it off the desk with my dusters. When it lands on the floor, you squish it."
Erwin looked around at his bookshelves with a displeased grimace.
"Or stomp on it with your boot," suggested Levi as an alternative. "Whatever."
The commander looked down at his boots, evidently not fond of that idea, either. "A book it is."
Levi snuck up quietly to the desk, holding one duster out in front of him and the other up in the air as a backup. His lips pulled into a grimace, and he glanced at his companion. Erwin selected one of the less valuable books from a shelf, and he nodded at the captain. Levi nodded back, and while Erwin held the book at ready for throwing, Levi swept his duster across the top of the desk to try and shoo the spider over the side.
"The fucking thing jumps!"
Levi dashed over to Erwin, and he scampered up his back like a cat climbing a tree before the commander could even react to the startling discovery. He grunted as his smaller companion's knee dug into his kidney, and he staggered blindly.
"Where'd it go?" Levi demanded, his voice unusually tense with alarm.
"I can't see with your dusters covering my eyes," snapped Erwin. He coughed. "You're choking me too, Levi."
Levi adjusted his hold on Erwin, dropping one duster so that he could hang onto one of the blond's broad shoulders. "It ran across the floor over there." He pointed with his remaining duster.
Erwin walked slowly over to the spot Levi had indicated, holding his book at ready to throw. Looking around, he spotted the fugitive. "Up there in the rafters."
Levi followed his pointing finger, and he readied his duster. "Okay, take me over there. Don't put us directly under it, though. If that thing falls on my face I won't be held responsible for what I'll do to you."
"Pull up your face scarf just in case," suggested Erwin.
"Oh, good idea." Levi tugged the scarf back into place, and he patted Erwin's shoulder. "Giddy-up."
"Very amusing," muttered the blond, but he complied and carried his small but rather heavy burden over to position them not-quite-beneath their quarry. "How is this?"
"A little to the left," instructed Levi. "There. Stop. All right, here goes. One, two..."
The door opened, and Hange Zoë walked in. The titan specialist had a stack of paperwork in her hands, and she was looking down at them as she entered the office.
"Commander, I have the latest reports on the specimen testing. I think you'll find..." she glanced up from the documents, saw the two of them standing there with Levi on Erwin's back, the captain holding a duster up and the commander brandishing a heavy book in one hand. Hange blinked owlishly at them from behind the thick lenses of her goggles.
"Hange," Erwin greeted, his tone colored with a blend of relief and embarrassment. "We were—"
"Playing a game of 'Leap-frog', and Levi could only make it halfway?" she interrupted with a smirk. "Far be it from me to judge how you boys pass the time."
"There's a spider in here," stated Levi flatly, his eyes going hooded with annoyance.
"Oh." Hange walked over and peered up at the ceiling, adjusting her spectacles. "Wow, he's a big one. You don't usually see them around much once the weather gets colder. He must have snuck in here for warmth."
"I don't care why it's here," Levi grumbled.
"You know," Hange said conversationally, "this isn't a poisonous species. They're actually handy to have around. They take care of roaches and in some cases, even mice."
"It can do that outside," answered Erwin firmly.
"Suit yourself." Hange shrugged, and she stepped back. She put her paperwork down on Erwin's desk, and she hunched over in a pouncing stance. "Carry on, comrades. You knock it down and I'll get it."
Levi concentrated his attention on his earlier endeavors, preparing once more to try and get the arachnid off of the ceiling. He made a quick swipe and he blurted a profanity as the creature dropped straight down, prompting Erwin to backpedal and nearly unseating the captain.
Erwin made a strange sound for such a big man with a baritone voice. It was a cross between a yelp and a bark. He threw the book in his hand in the same moment Hange lunged across the floor. He narrowly missed hitting her with it, and it smacked to the hardwood just as Hange's hands cupped over the spider before it could get away.
"Hey!" Hange scooped up the spider, keeping it protectively and securely cupped between her hands. "You're such a bully, Erwin!"
"I wasn't trying to hit you," excused the commander.
"No, but you were trying to crush this poor, misunderstood creature," she accused with a nod at her hand. "What did he ever do to you, besides show up in the wrong place at the wrong time?"
"You shitting me?" Levi stared at her like she'd sprouted a second head.
Hange shook her head and clucked her tongue. "You fellows spend half of your time killing titans the size of some buildings, and you're afraid of one little spider. Ah well, I think I'll keep this guy as a pet."
"Little?" repeated Erwin incredulously.
"A pet?" Levi baffled. "Disgusting."
"That's right," said the scientist calmly. "Don't worry though; I'll keep him confined in a terrarium. Oh, and Levi? The next time you insult me, I might just decide to set him loose in your quarters while you're sleeping."
Levi narrowed his eyes at her. "Like you'd catch me sleeping, four-eyes."
She smirked. "Even you have to sleep sometimes. I'll let that latest infraction slide this time. Just remember, I have my fuzzy friend here, and now I know you have an aversion to 'creepy crawlies'. Enjoy the rest of your day, gentleman."
Both men stared after her as Hange walked out of the room. Obviously, she couldn't close the door behind her with both of her hands occupied with the spider she'd caught. Once she was gone, Levi spoke in a low voice.
"Permission to kill?" He wasn't talking about the spider, this time.
Erwin shook his head, and he spoke in a dry tone with a little smirk on his lips. "Negative. We still need her."
Hange was chuckling when she entered her lab. Her assistant Moblit looked up from the titan anatomy chart he was working on, used to seeing her burst into seemingly spontaneous giggle fits.
"What did the specimens do this time?" he asked on a guess.
"Nothing. I just rescued our commander and captain from a spider."
"Oh?" Moblit relaxed. "Was it poisonous?"
Hange shook her shaggy brown head. "Not at all. It was a species of giant jumping spider. I let it go outside, but don't tell anyone that." She winked conspiringly at him. "As far as Levi and Erwin are concerned, I'm keeping it down here as a pet."
"Why do you want them to think that?" mused Moblit.
"Oh, it's not so much for Erwin as it is for Levi. I think I'll let him sweat for a while under the supposition that I have a live spider I could unleash on him the next time he's mean to me."
Moblit sighed. "Section Commander, that's a risky gamble. You know if Captain Levi calls your bluff, you could be in big trouble."
"I'm sure," she agreed, "but in the meantime, it's fun to screw with his head a little."
Moblit shook his head and went back to what he was doing. "A maniac," he whispered. "You're a maniac."
Both Levi and Erwin were extra cautious for a while after the spider incident. They checked their boots before putting them on when they dressed in the mornings. Erwin inspected his bed each night before getting into it. Levi hunkered down to look behind the toilet whenever he went to the bathroom. Erwin always stepped back after opening a cabinet before reaching for anything inside, and Levi shone a lantern into the broom closet first before getting out any cleaning equipment.
Hange caught Levi in the act of swatting the top of a cabinet one morning while standing on a ladder to dust them. He sensed her gaze on him, looked down at her and scowled at the grin on her face.
"Tch. Don't you have something better to do than watch me clean?"
"That's cleaning?" she teased. "From where I'm standing, it looks more like you're spanking the cabinet tops."
Seeing the flash in Levi's eyes, Hange changed the subject with a yawn. "Well, I'm off to the holding pens to check on Sawny and Bean. Tell your hubby I'll be back tonight when you see him, would you?"
Levi glanced around. "You wanna keep it down with that shit?"
"Why?" She shrugged. "Everyone knows it, Levi. Sheesh. You're the old married couple of the regiment."
"Shitty-glasses, I'm not in the mood," warned the captain.
"You never are. It's a wonder Erwin ever gets any action—"
Someone cleared their throat, and Hange bit her lip and went quiet as the subject of their argument approached from the dining hall entrance. "Good morning, Erwin," she greeted, flushing a little under his stern gaze. "I was just telling Levi that I'm heading out to do more research on our esteemed guests."
"So I heard," came the even response. "You might want to consider the dangers of poking the bear, while you're out poking your titan subjects."
Hange paled a little. She saluted Erwin sharply. "Sir."
Once she beat feet out of there, Erwin sidled up to the ladder that Levi was perched on. "Don't let her teasing bother you, Levi. She does it to get a rise out of you."
"Hmph. No kidding." Levi resumed dusting. "Why doesn't she ever fuck with you like that?"
"Because I'm her commander," Erwin stated simply. "Even Hange respects the chain of command. You're her equal in rank."
"I guess that makes sense. Still, it creeps me out that she's keeping that spider in that dank lab of hers and trying to blackmail me with it."
Erwin leaned back against the counter. "She doesn't have it."
Levi paused in his dusting. "Excuse me? How can you be sure? Did she tell you that?"
"No, but don't you think if she did have that creature, she would have shown it off to people by now? I haven't seen or heard anything more about it since the day she caught it."
Levi scowled beneath his dust cloth. "That dirty, conniving—"
"Let her have her fun for a while," suggested Erwin calmly. "God knows, we get little enough of that around here. Besides, when push comes to shove, you know she'll have your back in a fight."
Levi grumbled under his breath, but he said no more about it. He resumed his cleaning, and he paused again after a moment to glance down at Erwin. He raised a brow at him.
"Stop staring at my ass."
Erwin cleared his throat again. "Excuse me. I think I'll go and brush my horse."
Levi's smirk was hidden beneath the dust cloth covering half his face.
-The End