Chapter Text
When Phil was five, the scariest day of his life was his first day of school. It was walking into his classroom, sitting at his desk, and not being able to see his mum or dad for seven hours. It was his teacher calling on him to answer questions in class, when he hadn’t been paying attention. It was kids laughing because he tripped at recess and got his shirt dirty.
When Phil was ten, the scariest day of his life was when a severe storm rolled in while he was at a friend’s house. His friend had woods all behind his house, and he and Phil were playing hide and seek when the storm came up all of a sudden. Phil got all turned around and it took twenty minutes before he got back to his friend’s house. He was soaking wet from rain, and he was shaking from the flashes of lightning surrounding him and the loud cracks of thunder ringing in his ears.
When Phil was fifteen, the scariest day of his life was when he realized he didn’t just want to be friends with the new boy in his history class. It was when his heart skipped a beat when the boy smiled at him. It was when he realized that he had a crush. And maybe it wouldn’t have been a big deal if kids in school didn’t throw around the word “gay” like it was a slur. Phil didn’t even know if he was gay. He just knew that he often daydreamed of the boy’s lips pressed against his.
When Phil was eighteen, the scariest day of his life was going off to university. It was leaving his family and friends behind to start his own life. It was being responsible for cooking, cleaning, and making sure he did his schoolwork and got to classes on time. It was knowing he’d have to find a job soon so he wouldn’t have to keep asking his parents for money. It was going to meetings on his own, and speaking for himself, with no parents around to take up for him if things started going poorly.
When Phil was twenty-two, the scariest day of his life was when his boyfriend of two years, Kevin, told him to quit his job. It was the vase getting thrown across the room, smashing into the wall, as Kevin yelled at him for being ten minutes late. It was the jealousy radiating off of him as the vein on his neck popped out, which never meant anything good for Phil. It was Phil trying to explain that Anthony had been having a rough time with his girlfriend, and just needed to talk for a few minutes. It was Kevin calling him a whore, a loud smack and a sting on Phil’s cheek, and an apology two hours later. It was when Phil called into work right before the bookstore was closing for the night, telling them he was having to quit immediately and apologizing for the short notice.
When Phil was twenty-five, the scariest day of his life was when he had decided to go to a YouTube convention. It was a small one, not far from his and Kevin’s place. Kevin had said okay, but it was obvious that it wasn’t okay now. It was late, and Phil was tired, but Kevin was hungry so Phil cooked dinner. He warmed up chili from the night before, but it wasn’t hot enough for Kevin, so he took the entire pot and threw it, breaking the pot and getting chili all over the kitchen floor. Phil yelled at him that night, and that was his first mistake, because soon enough he was getting tossed around. By the end of the night, his head had hit into the dining room table, and the sliding-glass door that led to their balcony. He was so sure the glass would break, but it didn’t. He was so sure that he would die that night, but he didn’t.
None of those days were the scariest for Phil though. He knew that now. The scariest day was being twenty-eight, and leaving Kevin behind. It was packing his things while Kevin was looking for work, and taking it all to his parents house. It was coming back for one last suitcase and Kevin already being home, a nosy neighbor calling Kevin's cellphone and asking if they were moving. It was Kevin threatening his life while holding a knife in his hand, and Phil walking out the door anyway. It was Phil’s entire body shaking as he turned away from Kevin, waiting for the knife to go through his body, ready to die as he tried to take his life back. It was Kevin yelling at him from the door, telling him he’d never find anyone again. Screaming that he was useless garbage; an ugly human being inside and out. It was getting into the cab and being taken away, feeling like the last eight years of his life was a complete waste, and he had nothing but a few suitcases worth of items to his name.
“I wish you’d told us,” Phil’s mum, Kathryn, said as she and Phil sipped hot tea at her dining table.
“I’m sorry, Mum,” Phil replied quietly, ashamed. He was wearing black sweatpants and a gray hoodie that was two sizes too big. He still felt cold though, and his shaking hadn’t yet subsided. He was sure that’s why his mum made tea in the first place.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Dear,” she said, reaching over and gently taking his hand. “Absolutely nothing. He’s the only one who needs to be sorry. Actually, it doesn’t matter if he is ever sorry. He’s a sick, disgusting man who should be ashamed-”
“Mum,” Phil interrupted, giving her hand a squeeze. “It’s okay. I’m here, alright?”
Her bottom lip began to tremble. “I just… I just hate that he’s hurt you for so long. I hate it, Phil. He had everyone fooled. I never…” Her voice trailed off as she wiped a tear from her face. “I’m so sorry I didn’t see it.”
Phil shook his head. “No, Mum. You didn’t see it because I didn’t want you to. It’s not your fault.”
Phil let go of Kathryn’s hand, wrapping both hands around his mug. The warmth soothed him, even if every sip he took felt too sharp on his tongue. Like each sip would come back up later, leaving him hanging over the toilet for hours.
He leaned back in his chair, careful of the large bruise on his back. There was one near his rib cage, light ones on his wrists, and another on his right thigh. The back was the worst though, an angry mixture of purple, green, and black.
It was all from the day before. Kevin had come home drunk after being gone for three days. His work had called, eventually telling Phil to let Kevin know he shouldn’t even bother coming in anymore.
Phil should have waited until Kevin had slept off the alcohol. But, he was upset. This was the third job that Kevin had lost in a year. It was the tenth job he’d lost overall. So, Phil told him right away. And Kevin got angry. He got angry at his bosses, but he took it out on Phil. And that’s how Phil got pushed into the fridge, and shoved into a door, and thrown onto their bed. A hand was wrapped around his throat for a few seconds, until he managed to shove Kevin away. Then Kevin’s hands found their way around Phil’s wrists, laughing as he gripped them so tight that Phil’s fingers started to tingle. All the while, Kevin’s knee dug into Phil’s thigh.
Kevin just stayed there, on top of Phil, going back and forth from yelling to laughing while Phil tried to get away.
It lasted ten minutes, but it felt like hours, until Kevin passed out, dropping down beside him on the bed.
With a racing heart and his body shaking, Phil left Kevin there and went out on the couch. He grabbed his laptop and got online, crying as he watched YouTube videos of abuse survivors telling their stories.
He watched video after video until he couldn’t see straight, then went to his own channel to make updates on his account. He had been doing YouTube for years now, and had a fairly big following. With over a million subscribers, it’s how he made money, and paid for things while Kevin was in between jobs.
Kevin never wanted Phil to work outside of the house, and he wasn’t a big fan of Phil even having a YouTube channel, but he was always happy when the payment came through.
It was when Phil scrolled all the way back to his first video that he decided he was going to leave. He didn’t know Kevin yet when he first started making videos. They didn’t meet until a few months later. So, when Phil watched that first video, he remembered what life was like before Kevin, and he realized he wanted that again. He wanted to feel like him again, because he didn’t even know who he was anymore.
“Phil? Are you alright?” Kathryn asked, bringing Phil out of his thoughts.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d just been sitting there, staring down at his cup.
“I know that’s a stupid question,” Kathryn continued. “I’m just not exactly sure what to do.”
“It’s okay, Mum. I was just thinking. Lots on my mind is all.”
Before Kathryn could respond, the front door opened and slammed shut, causing them both to jump.
“Kath, you here?”
“We’re in the dining room, Nigel!” She called out to her husband.
“We?” He questioned as he neared the room. “Who’s we?”
“It’s me, Dad,” Phil replied as Nigel walked in.
“Phil!” Nigel smiled. “Good to see you, Boy! It’s been, what, four months? That’s too long when you're less than an hour away. Where’s Kevin?”
“Mum didn’t tell you?” Phil asked, glancing over at her.
“I could never get a hold of him at work.”
“What?” Nigel said, looking concerned. “What happened? Is Kevin hurt?”
Kathryn shook her head. “No, he’s not,” she said, standing up. “Let’s go to our room. Phil, you finish your tea, okay, Honey?”
Phil nodded, picking up his cup. “Yes, Mum.”
He stared down at the table until his parents left, then drank the last few sips of his tea in a hurry.
Within a couple of minutes, the sounds of his dad’s voice rising could be heard in the dining room.
Sitting there with nothing to do made Phil nervous, so he got up and headed upstairs to the guest bedroom he’d be staying in.
It was a nice room, and not the one he and Kevin always stayed in when they’d visit. Phil knew his mum did that on purpose.
This was the room Martyn and Cornelia usually always stayed in. It had a full size bed with an old, family quilt on top. It was white, with little, faded pink flowers all over it.
There was a dark, wooden dresser to the left of the bed, and a wardrobe across from it. There was also a nightstand in the room, with a clock and a bouquet of fake flowers on it.
Phil looked at the room from the doorway for a moment, then walked inside and sat down on the bed. His suitcases were next to the door, waiting to be unpacked.
That could wait until later though. Right now, he didn’t feel like he had enough energy to even lift the suitcase onto the bed.
It was hard enough to tell his mum what had been happening, but right now his dad was finding out, and soon his brother would know too. Eventually, all of his followers would know. They may not know everything, but they’d know his relationship was over. They’d know his videos were being filmed in a new location. They’d know something was wrong. And if they pried too deep, they’d figure it all out.
Noticing that his heart was racing again, he laid down on the bed and closed his eyes, taking in long, deep breaths. He wasn’t sure how long he laid there, but the next thing he knew there was a knock on the door.
He practically jumped into a sitting position, his eyes wide as the door creaked open and his dad’s head peaked through the crack. “Can I come in?” Nigel asked.
Phil nodded.
Nigel walked into the room. He looked at Phil for a moment, causing Phil to look toward the ground in embarrassment.
Nigel walked over to the bed and sat down beside Phil.
There was a silence in the room that Phil didn’t know how to fill. He had no idea what to say. He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t get the words to leave his mouth.
After almost a minute passed, Nigel placed his hand on Phil’s knee. The touch made Phil look away from the ground and to Nigel’s hand, and he bit at his lip to keep himself from crying right then and there.
“I’m not good with things like this,” Nigel started. “A part of me wants to go find Kevin right now and rip him to pieces, but I know I can’t do that. I just want you to know that you can stay here as long as you like. Your mother and I love you very much, and we’ll always be here for you.”
Phil’s eyes were glazing over with tears, but he held them back. “Thank you,” he said, his voice shaking. “I love you too.”
Nigel nodded, standing back up. He had almost left the room when he turned back to Phil. “This is the only question I’ll ask for now, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but when did it start?”
Phil counted back, remembering the first time Kevin hurt him like it was yesterday. “Six months after we started dating.”
Nigel let out a sigh that sounded more angry than anything. “Let me know if you need help unpacking,” he said before leaving out of the room.
Once Nigel had shut the door, Phil squeezed his eyes shut, letting the tears fall. He curled up on the bed, laying his head on one pillow and wrapping his arms around the other. He held it close to his chest as he sobbed, his breaths coming out short and sharp.
It hurt to cry. It hurt his sore bones and muscles and bruises, but he couldn’t stop himself.
Eventually, he cried himself to sleep, his dreams being much kinder to him than the real world.
The next day, Martyn came. Phil had spent most of the day in his room, only coming out to use the bathroom or when Kathryn would fix him food. He had no desire to eat, but he did it so she wouldn’t worry.
He was emptying one of his suitcases when Martyn knocked on the already open door.
“Hey,” Phil greeted, smiling awkwardly. He knew Martyn had to know. He wouldn’t be there otherwise.
“Hey, Phil,” Martyn replied, smiling back. He paused for a second, then quickly walked over and wrapped Phil in a hug.
Phil gasped at the sudden back pain from the hug, causing Martyn to let go immediately. “Sorry. I’m sorry, did I hurt you?”
“It’s okay,” Phil assured him. “It’s fine, really. Just unexpected.”
Martyn walked over to the bed and sat down. “Mum called me last night. You probably knew that already though.”
“I figured she would,” he replied, putting some socks into one of the drawers.
“I couldn’t believe it, Phil. I mean, I believe you!” He quickly added. “I just… I just couldn’t believe it.”
“I know what you mean," Phil said. “No one knew.”
“He ne- He didn’t seem like that type,” Martyn continued. “He was always so kind when he came here.”
“He could be like that sometimes,” Phil agreed.
“But he wasn’t; not really. He’s an asshole.”
“Yeah, he could be that sometimes too.” Phil walked over to the bed and pulled some shirts out of his suitcase. He heard Martyn take in a breath, and looked over to see him staring at his wrists.
Phil had forgotten about the bruises for a moment and pushed back the sleeves of his sweatshirt. He quickly pulled them back down, causing Martyn to look elsewhere.
“Mum doesn’t know about those,” Phil said quietly, choosing to look down at his clothes instead of at Martyn. “Please, don’t tell her.”
“I won’t,” Martyn promised. “She said you had a bruise though.”
Phil nodded. “She knows about the one on my back, but not the others.”
“Others?” Martyn questioned.
“One on my thigh,” Phil replied, turning toward Martyn. He pulled up his sweatshirt, revealing the other on his rib cage, “And one there.”
“Phil,” Martyn replied, his voice sounding desperate, as though he was searching for answers he knew he’d never understand.
Phil put his shirt down, then turned back to his suitcase, grabbing a pile of t-shirts and taking them over to the dresser. “Mum got so worried after I told her about my back that I couldn’t tell her about the rest,” Phil explained. “I’d rather she didn’t know about it.”
“Are you going to the police?” Martyn asked. “Are you pressing charges?”
Phil shook his head. “No, I’m not.”
“Why?”
“Because then there would be a trial and I’d have to see him and I don’t want to see him.”
“But-”
“Martyn,” Phil interrupted, looking over at him. “I know you mean well, but please just… don’t. Please?”
Martyn nodded. “Okay. Sorry.”
“It’s alright. There’s just a lot going on right now.”
“No, I get it.” Martyn stood up, heading toward the door. “If you want to come downstairs when you’re done, we can play a board game or something. I’m not leaving for a couple of days, and it's our usual family game night.”
Phil smiled, knowing Martyn was just trying to take his mind off of things. “Yeah, I’ll be down in a bit.”
“Great! I’ll go pick something.”
Three weeks passed by and the most productive thing Phil had done was change all of his passwords and open his own bank account. His previous account was shared with Kevin, even though Phil was usually the only one putting money into it. Thankfully, after Phil left, Kevin hadn’t taken all of their money out of the account, leaving Phil with a few thousand to put in his new account. He wondered how Kevin reacted when his card got declined. When he realized there was no money left for him. He wondered if he went to a bar, if he found someone else to take his anger out on. Maybe he destroyed the house. Or maybe he found another guy or girl to sleep with… It wouldn’t be the first time.
After the first few days, Phil fell into a slump. He barely ever left his room, he would only eat a few bites of food at a time, and he would only sleep for a couple of hours at a time. Sometimes, he was awake the entire night, either pacing the floor or just lying in bed staring at the ceiling.
He hardly spoke to his mum, spoke even less to his dad, and hadn’t made any YouTube videos.
“Phil,” Kathryn whispered, coming into Phil’s room. The door was open, but he was lying on his bed facing away from the door, so she wasn’t sure if he was awake or not.
He looked back at the sound of his name, the dark circles under his eyes prominent with the sun shining on his face through the window.
“Phil, can I speak to you for a moment?”
Phil scooted over in bed, making room for his mum to sit down.
“Thank you, Dear.”
“Is something the matter?” Phil asked, knowing the tone in her voice too well.
“I’m afraid so. We’re all worried about you, Philip. You stay in this room almost all the time, you’re not eating or sleeping well, and we never get to see your beautiful smile anymore.”
Phil scooted up so he was sitting with his back against the headboard. He stared down at the old quilt on his bed, picking at a loose thread to avoid eye contact with Kathryn. “What do you want me to do?” He asked, feeling like he was eight years old and getting in trouble for being moody.
Kathryn sighed. “I know it’s tough, Darling, and I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through-”
“It wasn’t that bad,” Phil lied.
“Still, I can’t imagine it. But, I don’t want lose you, Phil. I’m afraid that is what’s happening.” Kathryn cleared her throat, and Phil knew that if he looked at her, she’d have tears in her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Mum,” he replied. That’s all he knew to say.
“You don’t have to be sorry, Phil,” she responded, and Phil could tell she sounded irritated at his response.
He kept his mouth shut, having an overwhelming desire to apologize again, but not wanting to make her mad.
“I just wonder if maybe you should get some help, from a therapist or something.”
Phil’s heart began to race. The idea of telling some stranger his life story did not sound appealing at all, especially when it was all his fault anyway. He didn’t need someone else telling him that he should have left years ago. He already knew the mistakes he had made.
“I don’t wanna do that, Mum,” he said, his voice coming out in a whisper.
“Phil, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make this any better. Maybe if you got back to making videos, or if you’d just join us for dinner sometime. You could take walks in the neighborhood. We have some lovely trails th-”
“Mum,” he interrupted. “I, um, I actually leave this week for a YouTube convention in London,” he said, it being the first thing he could think of. He had received an email about it a few weeks ago, but declined because of Kevin. Maybe if he talked to his manager he could be added as a last minute guest.
“You do?” She asked, her face lighting up. “Oh, that’s wonderful. I mean, not that you’ll be away from us, but that you have something to look forward to.”
“Yeah, it should be fun,” he replied, forcing a smile.
Kathryn reached over and placed a hand of Phil’s cheek. “My sweet boy,” she said, patting his cheek gently before putting her arm back down. “Do you need anyone to go along with you?”
“No, Mum, I’ll be fine.”
“Alright. Well, I’ll leave you alone now. I love you, Dear.”
“Love you, Mum.”
Kathryn got up and left the room, closing the door behind her.
Once she was gone, Phil got his computer and pulled up his emails. He hoped his manager could get him into the event, even though he had no desire to go. His family was upset with him lying around, so he knew he needed to go.
He needed to stop being a burden.