Chapter Text
T knew that the day would come – the day that the fantasy would come to an abrupt end. It didn’t make the pain any less.
H waited until after they had filmed their final scene. T guesses that was kind of him. H knew it would be difficult (if not impossible) for T to get through filming the final party if they had “the talk” prior. Even so, the knowledge that it was coming put a damper on the whole experience for T. While everyone else laughed and hugged, and exchanged stories and memories – T mostly kept to himself. Looking back, he realizes that he wasted an opportunity to celebrate with a group of people who had become so dear to him over the past two years. (He had spent any free time that day sulking and playing games on his phone.) He should have been mad at H – but he wasn’t, he was mad at himself.
“The talk” – had just before the final Skam party - was brief and perfunctory. H told T how grateful he was that he got to share this experience with him. He thanked T for being such a good “friend,” and assured him that T would always have a special place in his heart. It was bullshit.
T didn’t say much – didn’t want to say much for fear that he would divulge his true feelings. Instead he smiled and nodded – though all he really heard was an insincere buzz, and all he thought was “fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou”. They promised to remain friends, and made some vague plan to get together in the future. It was bullshit.
Moments later, on the “red carpet,” T and H had to put on a show of being happy. T, who had thrown back a few shots of vodka in preparation - thought he had done a good job. He laughed and mugged it up. In actuality, his heart was in the process of breaking. Even in the few minutes that they were in front of the camera, T lost himself in his feelings for H. Embarrassingly, videos of the photo shoot that circulated after the fact show him grabbing at H’s bottom, and running his hand down H’s back. And H? He looked pissed. (That is, when he wasn’t letting out the fakest, heartiest laugh – to the delight of the journalists.) At one point, H shot him a “what the hell do you think you’re doing?” look and cocked his head accusingly towards T’s arm, which was around his waist. T just smiled sheepishly – and H humored him with a smile in return. (It was good for the camera.)
After the red carpet, T and H were expected to do the rounds of interviews – like they had a month earlier at Gullruten - but T couldn’t take it. He needed to get the hell out of there and drown his sorrows in lots and lots of alcohol. And that’s what he did.
Luckily for T, his friends knew what was going on – and they made sure that T was never alone. Marlon held T’s hands and they danced together like maniacs. And David – bless his soul – used the excuse that H was flirting with Ulrikke to give him an impressive shove. Yes, T had good friends.
*****
In the months that followed, T plunged himself into work. It was therapeutic. When he was so busy immersing himself into different rolls - a 1960’s “greaser”, and teenage seducer (of a woman the same age as his own mother!), to name a few – he didn’t have time to think about H.
Even so, T couldn’t help to feel just the slightest bit smug when he compared his post-Skam achievements with those of H. While T was getting job offer after job offer – to the point that he was having to turn some down – H was spending his summer taking selfies on vacation, and being dragged to fashion shows and informal photoshoots with his girlfriend. (Whenever he saw photos of H, T couldn’t help but notice that H didn’t have the look in his eyes that he had become famous for – a certain “sparkle” that made T’s heart skip a beat whenever it was directed towards him.)
*****
T didn’t truly realize that H was actively avoiding him until late August. While he had suspected it (since he and H never seemed to be in the same place at the same time), T’s epiphany came during a Skam reunion for Mari’s birthday. Everyone was there; him, Marlon, David, Sasha, Lisa, Adam, Carl, Rakel, Ina… But H wasn’t. His absence was suspect; it wasn’t like H to miss out on an opportunity to reconnect with his Skam friends. Plus, he was in Oslo.
T didn’t know how to react to that. On one hand, he felt a certain selfish pride knowing that being in his presence made H so uncomfortable. (And that was H’s own fault, wasn’t it?) On the other, he felt bad that H, apparently, needed to separate himself from his Skam friends just because T would be there. T knew how important Skam was to H and his family (especially H’s mom, Siv, who loved T and treated him like another son) - H even walked around with a Skam tote bag, for God’s sake!
But, again, H brought it on himself. It didn’t have to end that way. T knew very well that they were not going to live “happily ever after”. He knew that H had a girlfriend (or, at least, that’s how he presented her. T had his doubts about the true nature of their “relationship”.) But, for whatever reason (Insecurity? Repression? Fear?) H chose to distance himself from T rather than find a new way to be friends with him. As far a T was concerned, it was H’s loss.
*****
At the end of August, on the day that T finished filming “An Affair”, H texted him. It was completely out of the blue – and T didn’t know how to react.
H: Hi
T: Hi?
H: How are you?
T: I’m good. You?
Actually, scratch that. Why are you texting me?
H: I miss you?
T: Huh? WTF? Are you drunk?
H: Ha. No. Not at all. I just saw that you finished filming and I wanted to congratulate you. I
am really proud of you.
T: Uh. Ok? Thanks?
H: Listen, I also want to apologize to you, but I want to in person. Can I see you?
T was taken aback – to put it mildly. For more than two months H had been avoiding him like the plague and now, suddenly, H wanted to meet him? Why?
T: Really? Uh. I don’t know. Like, why now? What changed?
H: Honestly, you’ve been on my mind for a while now. I can’t believe what a douche I was at
the end party. I ruined the night for you. I still feel guilty about that.
T: Yeah, that did pretty much suck. But I’m over it. Don’t worry.
H: But I still want to see you. Can I?
T: Again, why?
H: Because I miss you. You are my friend, and I miss you.
T: Ok. I guess. Coffee? KB? Tomorrow?
H: Great! 16:00?
T: I am running a revue meeting until 17:00. I can meet you at 17:30.
H: I’ll be there.
T: Ok. See you.
H: Yes! See you <3 <3
T: WTF, Henrik?
H: ;-)
*****
When T arrived at the KB the next evening he made a beeline to the very back table (where he had H had sat for hours on end pouring over scripts and learning about each other; their hopes, dreams and every other cliché topic that they could come up with to extend their evenings together).
H had a snapback on – the brim pulled low so that it covered the top part of his face. He was wearing a hoodie and was hunched over a book. Anyone walking by would think that he was a student.
T was dressed similarly – snapback and hoodie – and looked equally inconspicuous. (T had actually found that he could blend in to a crowd more easily since he shaved his hair off. During his two years on Skam, his “curls” became as famous him. Although he had to buzz them off for “An Affair” – T was amazed at how liberating it was to be rid of them. Having his hair gone helped him to make a clean break from Skam – which was a relief after all that had gone down between him and H at the end.)
“Hey,” he greeted H.
H looked up at him and gave him one of his million-dollar grins (the kind of smile that makes men, women and children alike swoon.) Despite himself, T smiled back.
T plopped himself down in the chair across from H. “So. I’m here. What now?”
“Hi to you, too, Tar.” H chuckled. “Thank you for coming. I wasn’t sure you would.”
“I told you I’d be here. I’m not a jerk – like some.”
“Touché.” H retorted. “How are you? You’re so busy now! Thank you for coming to see me. I think it’s probably harder to get a meeting with you than the Queen of England!”
“It’s really not hard, Henrik. You never even tried.”
“Well you didn’t try to get in touch with me, either.”
With that, T gave H a withering look. Really? Did H really want to go there?
“So, Henrik. How are you? How is Lea? You’re quite the power-couple, aren’t you?” Two could play that game.
H cringed. Visibly.
“Yeah. Um. About that. Yeah. She’s good, I guess.” H was flustered. T thought to try and save him – tell him that it was ok, he didn’t want to know – but he sort of wanted to see him squirm. “We’ve done some photoshoots together. She’s a friend. Well, I guess more than a friend. But I don’t know. It weird. I guess I feel a bit like a trophy boyfriend, you know?”
“Hmmm. No. I don’t know. What do you mean?
H sighs. “I don’t know, Tar. I feel like being with her is one big fashion show. When we are out, I am always so conscious of cameras being on us. I hate it – but she loves it. And now she got me into modeling. I mean me? A model? I want to act. I want to make a difference. I want something like Even and Isak again. That felt real. Important. What I am doing now just feels like bullshit.”
“Honestly? Yeah, I can see that. I mean you go from being in this groundbreaking show – where you really helped young people all around the world cope with mental illness and coming out as pansexual - to strutting around for the cameras looking all kinds of – I dunno – model-y. I mean, shit, what a waste, Henrik.”
T can tell that H is pretty taken aback by his bluntness. He stares at T, and T stares back. They sit like that for a minute or so. Neither knowing how to continue – how to move past the current tension.
H opens his mouth to say something and closes it again. He suddenly looks so sad. T feels a pang of guilt. Yes, he may still be hurting, but that doesn’t give him the right to be mean. H hadn’t meant to hurt him back in June – he just didn’t know how to transition whatever they “had” into a normal friendship. (T didn’t know either. How do people go from being “in love” to being “buddies” when the feelings were still so real?)
“I’m sorry, Henrik. That was kind of a low blow.”
“No, you’re probably right.”
T exhaled audibly. He decided then and there that he owed it to H (and himself) to be honest – especially since he never really had been before.
“Look, this is hard for me Henrik. Really hard. I miss you. A lot. I mean, I know that Isak and Even were fiction – but I guess it felt real to me? And when you gave me the ‘friend zone’ brush off at the Skam party – shit – it felt so bad! And you were so cold to me. And then you avoided me after. What was I supposed to think? And now you contacted me again. And I am really wondering why? What do you want from me, Henrik?”
“I want to be your friend.”
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t be your friend. Not now. Maybe someday. But not now. It hurts too much.”
Whatever glimmer of joy – of hope - there was in H’s eyes when T arrived, it was long gone. What was left was sorrow, and maybe a touch of guilt?
Again, they sat in silence. It occurred to T that they never even got anything to drink.
“I think I should go.” T stood up abruptly. “Bye Henrik.”
“Wait, Tarjei, don’t go. Please.” H pleaded.
“What? Tell me. What do you want?”
Again, H floundered. It was clear that he wanted to say something – but the words didn’t make it out of his mouth.
T stood there for another minute, hoping that H would garner the courage to tell him what he felt – what he wanted. But he didn’t.
“Let me know when you figure it out.”
And with that, T turned around and left.