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Not all transformations are the same.
All hurt, but some more so than others. He understood why they hurt, of course – muscles contort and contract, bones shatter, shift and shape into a new, strange body. His mind? It used to be hidden. It was trapped behind silver bars of a cage while the Wolf prowled. Then he learned about Wolfsbane, and although the liquid tastes vile and cling to the back of his throat, making him wretch, it lets him keeps his mind and allows him to be Remus.
This moon though, this one has been his worst.
Or at least, one of the worst.
His worst moon was his first. He didn’t know how his body would change. His body didn’t know either. It stretched and changed into something entirely new, and it hurt. That’s where a lot of his scars come from. When the Wolf is changing, it doesn’t know where the pain is coming from, so it’ll lash out on its own body. It’s frustrating, but it’s what comes from the transformations.
The night itself was alright. After escaping the street where he had been living for the past year, he found himself in a nearby stretch of forest and fields. That’s where he transformed. His bones had waned in pain on the walk over to the forest. It didn’t help that the moon was teasing him: peering at him from over the city’s high-rise.
When he opened his eyes though, he saw the world differently. He always did as the Wolf. Everything looked a bit brighter, a bit crisper. The moon was high in the sky, shining white light down on to the forest. Streams of light beamed down on to the forest floor.
He waited for a moment. Just…looking at the world around him. Looking through the Wolf’s eyes was strange, but he learned to appreciate it.
His ears twitch at the sound of a twig snapping.
He looks over to a nearby shrub. The undergrowth of the forest is thick, with some of the brush going up the sides of trees. He narrows his eyes as the shrub rustles.
Suddenly stag bursts from the undergrowth, galloping and leaping passed him and out into the open forest floor. Soon, a black dog bursts through the same undergrowth, barking after the stag. When it passes the Wolf, there’s a glint in the dog’s eyes.
Come on, Moony.
So that’s how he spends the night: running with the dog, chasing the stag, eventually chasing a rat through the thick maze of shrubs and fallen branches. The night was one of his better ones. Having taken his Wolfsbane earlier on, Remus could know that these were his friends. Those nights, when his mind is with him and so are his friends, are the nights that make him the happiest.
This has been his bad night because of his transformation back into his human self.
He doesn’t remember the change. He remembers the night, for it being the middle of winter, it was a long one. But the moon set over a nearby glen at the other side of the forest, opposite the city.
There was a brief flash of pure white pain.
Then shouting.
Then a flash of blue light.
Then darkness.
Sirius kicks open the bedroom door with three bowls balancing on one arm and a few towels on the other. The bedroom is dark – the curtains pulled tightly together, only letting in a sliver of light into room. It gives Sirius the chance to navigate the small room without crashing into anything.
He puts the towels and bowls on the bedside table in a neat bundle. On the bed is a knocked-out Remus, covered up to his chest with two blankets and a thick duvet. His skin is somewhat sullen, dotted with beads of sweat from the fever. It sometimes happens when a transformation goes a bit AWOL.
One of the things he’s learned over the years is that no matter how many healing charms he can cast; sometimes you need to resort to the Muggle way. He remembers the day when Lily walked passed him with nothing more than a bowl of water, a rag cloth, and some bread and soup. That did more for Remus than any healing incantations or potions Sirius or James had.
He reaches for one of the small towels, dipping it into one of the bowls full of warm water. He twists out the excess before laying it over Remus’ forehead. Once it’s in place, he runs his fingers through the other’s hair, getting it out of the way and it being somewhat comforting for Remus as his body tries to kick the last of the transformation out of him.
He does that for almost an hour – perched on the side of the bed, replacing the towel every ten minutes or so. Lily comes back up for the third bowl – a bowl of soup that’s slowly getting colder as the minutes tick by. She gives Sirius a sad smile. “He’ll be okay,” she says softly, not wanting to shatter the peaceful silence that has settled in the room.
He gives her a thankful nod. “Could you keep it warm for him?”
“I will.” Lily leaves after that, closing the door of the room gently behind her.
When Remus wakes up, it’s another hour later.
Sirius hasn’t moved, still sitting on the edge of the bed with one hand by Remus’ and the other combing through his hair. When he sees Remus’ eyes starting to flutter open, he sighs in slight relief. “There he is.”
Remus winces. He slowly reaches up to rub a hand over his face. His skin is damp, mostly from water and a little sweat. Strands of his hair are stuck to his forehead, with most of them combed back in place with Sirius’ fingers.
“Not the greatest you’ve ever looked, sweetheart,” Sirius smiles when Remus finally looks at him. Merlin, he looks tired. No matter how many moons he’s weathered with the man, he can’t get over how tired he looks after every one.
“You try looking your best after a full moon, Pads,” the other man rasps, wincing at how dry his throat sounds. He clears it before he continues. “We’re not at home, are we?”
Sirius shakes his head. “No, we’re not. James let us stay here for the night.”
Remus nods and relaxes back into the bed. He lets his eyes close, and for a second Sirius thinks he’s fallen back asleep. It wouldn’t do him any harm if he did.
“I’m starving,” Remus says suddenly, followed by a growl from his stomach.
“Lily made soup.” Sirius gets up from the bed and goes towards the door of the bedroom.
Probably hearing their conversation, he isn’t surprised to see Lily already half-way up the stairs with a bowl of hot soup and a few slices of bread. She hands them over to Sirius and with a stern look in her eyes, she says, “Make sure he eats all of it.”
When Sirius goes back into the room, he sees Remus shuffling back towards the headboard of the bed. “Hang on, hang on,” he rushes over and puts the food on the bedside table, then turning to help the other man sit up in bed, resting his back against the headboard. Remus leans against it with a heavy sigh.
“Does anything hurt?” Sirius asks, already knowing the answer.
“Everything hurts. Things that I didn’t know could hurt, hurt.”
“Eat something, and then I can get Lily to get you pain relief.”
Remus accepts the bowl of soup and puts it on his lap. He struggles a bit with the spoon – moving it from the bowl and to his mouth. His muscles work, but they’re just being rude and not co-operating.
Sirius puts his hand over Remus’ and helps. “James is downstairs,” he informs Remus, “he…he had to stun you last night.”
Remus’ eyes flicker over to Sirius.
Sirius clears his throat. “You…I’ve never seen you howl that badly. You were in so much pain. Even for a second, I knew from your eyes that it was pure agony.”
And Remus remembers it. He remembers chasing Prongs and his bones starting to thrum and throb. Then his muscles started to. Then every nerve ending in his body suddenly exploded. His change back was going to be a quick one, but it was upon him.
“James changed back and cast a stunning spell on you,” Sirius says lowly, “it knocked you out almost instantly. Your body changed back, but we didn’t want you to be in pain.”
Remus looks at him for a moment. “Thank you.”
He eats in silence for a moment before he suddenly frowns. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course you can, Moons.”
“Don’t do that again.”
Sirius frowns slightly. “What? Do what?”
Remus’ gaze hardens. “Don’t knock me out again. It hurts, of course it does, but I want to get used to it. Do don’t do that again.”
“Get used to it? Moony, you’ll never be used to it. You said it yourself. Every moon is different-”
“-I already have you lot helping me during the night, and for that I’m grateful. But that’s all I ask from you. Don’t interfere when I’m changing.”
It’s the finality of Remus’ tone of voice that makes Sirius sit in silence while the other finishes off his food. There’s the faint sound of people moving and chatting downstairs. It’s the only thing disturbing the thick quietness of the bedroom.
Sirius doesn’t look away from Remus. “Why are you so concerned about this?” he asks simply, waiting for the other man to give his reply. After a moment, Sirius presses on. “Tell me, Moony. This isn’t the first time you’ve been miffed at us for trying to help-”
“-You won’t always be there,” Remus bites. He looks up to the man sitting on the edge of the bed and gives him a harrowing glare. “I’m asking you to step back, because you won’t always be there.”
Sirius swallows a small lump forming in his throat. “Don’t say things like that, you prick. Don’t ever say things like that to me.”
There’s a light knock on the door. Sirius breaks eye contact with Remus and looks over his shoulder. “Come in.”
The door slowly creaks open and James sticks his head into the room. When he spots Remus sitting up, awake, on the bed, his shoulders relax slightly. “Dumbledore will be here in an hour,” he says, “Apparently he has something to discuss with us.”
Sirius nods for the both of them. “We’ll be down in a bit.”
James gives a curt nod and looks over to Remus. “You feeling okay, Moony?”
“As well as I can,” the other answers honestly. With another nod of understanding, James leaves, slowly shutting the door behind him.
“He didn’t want to do it, you know,” Sirius says suddenly once the door is shut.
“What?”
“James. He didn’t want to stun you.” Sirius reaches for Remus’ hand, the one closest to him, and slowly entwines their fingers together. “I asked him to. Merlin, I begged him to.”
“Why didn’t you do it yourself?”
Sirius swallows. “I was going to, but Peter grabbed my arm before I could cast it. I want to keep you safe,” Sirius breathes, staring down at their joined fingers, “you’re…the best thing to ever happen to me. And now with war being declared, the wizarding world is starting to slowly fall to pieces and I can’t bear the thought of losing you-”
The fingers around his tighten. “Stop it.”
Sirius looks up and is met with steely eyes. “What?”
“Stop it,” Remus repeats slowly. “You’re never nervous. Sirius Black laughs in the face of peril so well, one would think that he was friends with it. It’s unnerving that you’re worried.”
There’s a dull knock that sounds through the house. They both hear James and the others moving around downstairs, the front door of the house being open and another voice joining in.
Remus reaches over and puts his hand over Sirius’. “We both have things to talk about, I know. But I think that can wait until later.”
As soon as the words leave his mouth, there’s a knock on the bedroom door.
Sirius watches him throughout the meeting. He vaguely listens to what Dumbledore has to say. He wants to make an army – a specialised army comprising of the Marauders and a number of others. He’s all for the idea, but he watches Remus.
Deciding to have sat beside the man at the kitchen table, he’s able to keep his hand on Remus’ and make sure he doesn’t topple over. He’s still so weak after the moon.
Remus’ words whirl around in his head. You won’t always be there. What a stupid thing to say. Of course he would always be there. Not only him! The Marauders would never break from each other. Ever since leaving Hogwarts, their bond has only grown.
He tightens his hand around Remus’ when he hears the other man lightly wheezing with every breath.
Dumbledore looks over. There’s a grave look on his face. “Mr. Lupin, are you alright?”
“Remus just had a rough full moon, that’s all Professor,” Lily quickly interjects.
Dumbledore continues to look at Remus, his frown only deepening. “I think you should retire to bed, Mr. Lupin. Transformations can be taxing.”
Remus goes to stand, but he feels like a newborn colt standing for the first time. Before he’s too far out of his chair, Sirius has an arm around him and a hand supporting Remus’ arm closest to his own. “Come on,” he says quietly, ushering Remus through the kitchen, out on to the small hallway and up the flight of stairs.
Remus leans against the other man, his chest starting to tighten again and his muscles starting to throb and heat slightly. Each step of the staircase becomes more and more difficult to take, until the last few are agony. “Pad,” he sighs, leaning heavily into Sirius. It’s coming back to him – the exhaustion.
When they get into the room, Sirius nudges the door closed behind them. He helps Remus back into the bed, throwing the sheets over Remus. Lying against the pillow, Remus has enough strength to keep his eyes open and watch Sirius. He continues to wrap the other man in sheets until the cold is kept out. The house is well heated, but Remus keeps shaking because of the fever running through his body. When he’s happy that no breeze can get into Remus, Sirius leans over to the bedside table where a magic lantern is sitting there, softly lighting the room. It’s one of the few magical things Lily has in the house. Sirius waves his hand over it, and the light almost vanishes – the slightest of sparks keeps the room from being totally pitch black.
Remus’ eyes are closed when Sirius turns to look at him. He goes to step away from the bed when he suddenly feels his hand being grabbed. It’s a light touch, but it’s enough to stop him in his tracks.
“Stay with me,” he hears Remus mumble. His lips barely move over the words, and it’s barely audible against the fabric of the pillow, but Sirius understands.
Only wearing a shirt and jeans, it doesn’t take long before he sheds most of his clothes, dropping them over the back of a chair at the other side of the room. The other side of the bed is cold when he gets into it, the sheets cooler than the air of the room, but he quickly warms up. Remus doesn’t have much strength to move, but he’s able to turn over and drowsily puts an arm over Sirius’ middle. His head comes to rest just below Sirius’ chin, resting comfortably on his shoulder.
And almost instantly after that, when he’s settled again, Remus is out cold.
Sirius watches him sleep: it’s not like his post-transformation sleep which borders on a coma. This one is peaceful. He looks at Remus and there’s not a worry-line on his face. He looks at peace, for the first time in a while.
Words still linger in his mind. Now that it’s quiet again, they stalk forward.
You won’t always be there.
He puts his arm around Remus’ shoulders and holds him a bit tighter.
“I can’t promise for the rest of them,” he whispers, brushing a stray strand of hair back from Remus’ face, “but I’ll be there.”
The meeting continues on downstairs. The fact that they’ve sent no one up to retrieve him means that he can sleep.