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It all depends of that moment.
I
This is how it ends.
A soft whistle, screams of happiness on the other side of the court, silence in his side, tears trying to roll over his cheeks, warm hands against his shoulder and a loud ¨thank you for the game¨.
They have lost.
Fukorodani has lost and Akaashi Keiji thinks for a second that he will be able to sleep again.
He doesn’t.
II
It started when Bokuto demanded the perfect toss in the summer of Akaashi first year. That July was hot, humid and stupid. They were playing against Nekoma and, Kuroo, his captain was laughing because Bokuto couldn’t even spike for the sake of his life.
¨Akaashi¨ Bokuto had said, and small and shy Akaashi had jumped, startled because it was the first time Bokuto had called his name ¨gimme the best toss so I can shut up some stupid cats¨.
So, Akaashi did and that was the moment when Bokuto, all smiles and long limps, reached for him and claimed ¨I´m going to take to you to nationals. We will win¨
III
It goes like this.
They practise, they have matches, they go to Nationals. They never win.
Bokuto has a disciple, someone who will claim the title of Little Giant. Akaashi knows, his setter knows, everybody knows and Bokuto…Bokuto just teaches him with all the patience of the world, proud of himself when Karasuno goes to Nationals and defeat Nekoma for the first time in years.
But, like Fukorodani, Karasuno loses the next match and there are promises of next year.
¨We will win for your, Hinata¨ Bokuto says trying to cheer him up.
But they lose the game, the championship and the last chance for Akaashi to toss again for Bokuto.
He wants to reach for his captain, his senpai, the person who made him shine for the last two years and ask, beg to stay and play volleyball. Once more. But Akaashi and the rest of the team gives them the best and forceful smile and they try not to cry in front of them.
(please)
¨We will win next year¨ says Akaashi to the new members ¨I made a promise¨
IV
Akaashi watches him graduate, some girls asking for his button, Bokuto explaining that doesn’t have it anymore but they exchange numbers instead. He watches and watches as Bokuto says bye to the court, the classes and the high school life.
¨I´m moving in with Kuroo¨ Bokuto says ¨we are going to the same uni¨
¨That is really good, Bokuto-san¨ Akaashi replies ¨please don’t kill each other¨.
He watches him pout and explains that no, they are not gonna kill each other because he is a very decent human being and also a really good flatmate, Akaashi.
¨You can ask anybody¨
¨Your family doesn’t count, Bokuto-san¨ he laughs and hears a small ¨Akaashi¨ that will miss more than a limb.
He says good bye on a warm spring day, Akaashi shakes his hand and thanks him for the last two years, fighting the words and the tears. He doesn’t want to let go. Bokuto hugs him, at the end, and is really a sweltering day. Akaashi cries, because damn It, Bokuto-san.
¨Hey, Akaashi¨ but he doesn’t finish. Akaashi lets go and nods, politely and with a small smile.
¨We will win, Bokuto-san, you will see¨
V
It gets quieter.
Bokuto is like a loud song stuck in your head that always comes back when Akaashi goes to the court, or passes any classroom or he goes back home after an exhausting day playing volleyball.
Summer comes and goes. Nekoma without Kuroo is the same as Fukorodani without Bokuto and Kenma tries to not talk about them. Akaashi is grateful.
Karasuno comes for a week of training, without their third years, Ennoshita now as a captain. Is the same as last year but not quite. Is relaxing and Akaashi hates it.
He gets a message from Bokuto the third morning of the camping with a picture attached of him and Kuroo on the beach. Bros at the beach, it reads and Akaashi wants to throw himself into hell.
He almost replies with a please, come back but, instead he takes a group selfie and adds a ¨We hate you¨
Three hours and many minutes later, Akaashi reaches for the phone and sees a missed call from Bokuto and a text with a pout emoji.
The loud song stars playing again that night when he calls him and listens about the beach and how much he burnt himself.
¨You should be more careful, Bokuto-san¨
¨Eh, Akaashi¨ he replies and Akaashi shivers.
VI
He sees him during holidays.
Tan lines and sunglasses, hair shorter and less pointed. He doesn’t look like an owl anymore. He is different. Akaashi heart hurts.
¨Akaashi! ¨
He feels like they are in high school again. Bokuto coming to his classroom, demanding Akaashi attention, not bothering to check if he is busy or not. Akaashi, sighing and apologizing to someone because his senpai wants something and wants it now.
He says Akaashi like he is the most important name in the world.
¨Bokuto-san, you look older¨ he teases.
¨Wiser? ¨
They go to watch a volleyball play, some university that Bokuto will face in the near future after holidays. Loud voice, people watching and Akaashi not caring. He wants more, he doesn’t want to let go.
He thinks I went to Fukorodani because of you, Bokuto-san but he bites his tongue and watches Bokuto cheer to the opposite team.
VII
There was a promise made when Bokuto left the volleyball club. He took Akaashi apart, whispering nonsense about secrets of captains and Akaashi was redder than the sun.
Bokuto gave him something.
A promise.
(not a kiss)
(not yet)
¨Is that…your button? ¨ Akaashi had asked confused and Bokuto had grinned like a maniac, gold eyes sparkling, tie unlace and shirt almost undone.
¨Is a promise, Akaashi¨
Three months later and Akaashi takes the button from his trousers and rolls it through his fingers. Three months, six days, two hours, many minutes, a hell of seconds has passed and Akaashi has the promise in the palm of his hand and in the beat of his heart.
VIII
He doesn’t tell him he is in love with him and that is what he regrets the most. More than losing the match at Nationals.
Is stupid, but Akaashi is 17 years old and in love. He has a button and Bokuto on the other side of the phone. He doesn’t say ¨I love you, Bokuto-san, damn it¨ but he confesses that he misses him and Bokuto gets quieter for a second, then he sighs and takes Akaashi breath away.
¨It was enjoyable playing volleyball because you were there, Keiji¨
Akaashi hangs up, scared, like a coward. Lungs on fire, his hand twitching and his soul screaming for that Keiji
IX
Now is like this.
The sun shines, the winter is here and Akaashi plays and plays. He calls Bokuto to wish him a happy Christmas, Bokuto ask if wants to go to the Shrine for New Year and never talks about that phone call, that Keiji .
Now is New year. Kuroo and Kenma joins them, they get a coffee and Bokuto hair is shorter and shorter, there is no owl anymore. Akaashi is afraid to ask but Kenma is the bravest of the two, curious cat.
Kuroo is different too, his features sharper, hair longer, wide shoulders.
¨A bet¨ Kuroo explains with a shrug ¨We lost to the senpais and, I don’t know, I like it like this¨
¨Yeah, is better¨ Bokuto adds with a soft smile ¨more mature¨
Akaashi thinks he doesn’t mind, he likes it and it suits him. But there is no owl anymore. No more Fukorodani
¨Come one, Akaashi, let’s ask for winning this year¨
X
He says ¨I miss playing with you, Bokuto-san¨ and he hears the same words again and again and again in his head. He doesn’t say ¨I love you¨ because he is afraid, but Bokuto is the one who takes his hand, before the last match of the Nationals, Akaashi nervous, not well rested and distracted as he watches his teammates stretching.
Bokuto takes his hand, because he can, he always did it anyway, leading even though he is no longer a captain, just a university student very emotionally attached to Fukorodani.
¨You win this, Keiji¨
He is ready to say something smart, a smirk is playing, carefully, in his mouth but he looks at Bokuto and swallows.
¨Ok, Bokuto-san¨
XI
The end is only the beginning and there is a song about it. A lot of songs are written and sung about the end of love, the beginning of new crushes, the crying of the unrequited and the promises.
There are songs about that moment. Can’t take my eyes of you, I love you baby. There are songs and Bokuto is the loudest of them all.
The beginning is Akaashi stepping his foot in the court of his new team in the university, hearing new voices, seeing unknown faces. Looking around and seeing Kuroo smirking and Bokuto saying ¨hey, hey, hey, Akaashi¨.
The start is a kiss and a confession on the locker room, gold medal around Akaashi neck months ago, Bokuto saying his name Keiji, Keiji, Keiji like a litany.
The end is Akaashi giving Bokuto his button, asking again for a promise.