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The society that Toby lived in didn’t look to kindly on people who were struggling, this much Toby always knew. It had been the focus of many conversations around the breakfast or dinner table, especially when his Father had been alive. They were always looking down their noses at someone – the older couple they knew who had got themselves into financial difficulties; the young girl who had gotten herself pregnant before she married. It’s like they thrived on other people’s misfortune.
The worst, Toby thought, was the way they talked about people who were sick. Not physically, but in their minds. People like Adil. His Mother would scoff if there was even a trickle of a rumour about someone trying to end their life, saying that they were just doing it for attention. Toby knew, though, that this was not a cry for help from Adil and somehow that made him feel even worse. Toby had never agreed with his Mother but hadn’t really understood what it must be like for someone to be in that situation. But now he did, and as he watched Adil struggle he wanted to throttle anyone who had a bad word to say about those who were suffering.
They were sitting together on a bench near Adil’s flat. There was no way that Toby would have let him go back into that room until the gas was completely gone. Complete silence surrounded them. Toby wanted to say something, anything, but he didn’t know what. He didn’t want to scare Adil off or make him feel guilty for what had just happened.
Toby didn’t think he’d ever be able to forget the sight of Adil lying unconscious in his tiny bed. He had looked almost peaceful, a perfect example of how looks can be deceiving. Because Toby knew that there was so much pain and suffering hidden inside. Why hadn’t he realised Adil was hurting so much? He should have realised…
Frankly, Toby didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know if there was a certain thing he should say. He had no idea how they should progress with this, he hadn’t had any experiences with situations like this before. How do you convince someone that their life is special and deserves to be fought for when they think that it’s worthless?
“I can’t believe you came. You shouldn’t have come.” Everything was a mess and neither of them new how to fix it.
“Of course I came, what did you expect I’d do after reading a letter like that?”
Toby had to strain himself to bite back the wisps of anger he was feeling but they were still evident through all the pain. How could Adil have thought that this was the best solution? How could he have chosen to say goodbye to the man he loved in that way? Adil sighed.
“Honestly, I don’t know. My mind was all over the place.”
Toby shuddered as he remembered the sinking feeling in his stomach when he read the words Adil had written. He had felt sick. Toby had never been athletic, but as soon as that letter was in his hands he had sprinted off, not stopping for anyone or anything. Even when he was out of breath and his lungs burned he kept going, because nothing else in the whole world would matter if he didn’t get to Adil on time. He thought he was going to be too late, but thank God he wasn’t. He had held onto Adil so tight it that it hurt and didn’t let go until Adil stopped crying.
“Toby, you mustn’t put all the blame on yourself.” Adil instructed but Toby shook his head vehemently.
“Adil, you know me and you know that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” There was no way you could look at what was going on and see that this was not entirely Toby’s fault. Toby knew that, and he hated himself for it. But he was going to do all that he could to try and make sure Adil never felt this way ever again.
“Adil, why… why would you ever…” Toby trailed off, not comfortable with saying the words because somehow that made everything so much more real. He had no idea what could be going through someone’s head to make them believe that suicide was the best answer. He didn’t think he would ever fully comprehend Adil’s reasoning, but he wanted to at least try to understand.
“I tried to kill myself Toby. It’s alright, you can say it.” Adil said, so casually that Toby blanched. How could he talk about this like it was something as mundane as the weather?
“There were a lot of reasons, it had been building up for a while… I was never going to be good enough for you and we were never going to last so I thought that if I did this, if I ‘disappeared’ like you said then if D’Abberville did do or say anything then you could say that it was all me. That I was stealing the information and then did what I did so that I didn’t have to face the consequences. And everyone would want to believe tales about a dead man, because then it could just all be over. And you would be safe. I want to keep you safe, Toby.” He whispered the last sentence and the look in his eyes of sheer determination shocked Toby a little.
“But Adil, anyone who knows you would know that it couldn’t be true. Your memory would be tarnished, your grave spat upon. You would only be known as a traitor. What would your family have done?”
“Don’t you think I was thinking about my family the whole time? They are the reason why I do everything I do. Their reputation couldn’t stand a public trial or the humiliation the press could bring if they found out any of my many secrets.”
Toby took a deep breath and hoped that Adil didn’t interrupt him as he said what he had to say.
“Adil please, listen to me. I was wrong. About everything. I never should have pushed you away, it’s all my fault you tipped over the edge. I thought that by distancing you then I would be able to protect you from whatever was going to happen in the future, but I was so wrong. I know what I did was unforgivable and I don’t expect you to coming running back to me with open arms but I truly am sorry. And I promise I will be there for you, if you want me that is, so that you never feel like this again.”
“Toby, I know this is hard for people to understand who haven’t been through it but I can’t just turn it off or change the way I feel. It’s like an illness that’s infected every cell in my body, worming its way into every part of me until it’s completely taken over. I don’t know how to explain it to you so that it makes sense.” Adil looked like he was close to breaking down again and that was the last thing that Toby wanted.
“Shh, it’s alright. You don’t owe me an explanation at all. You’ve had a traumatic night, you need to rest. And then tomorrow we can figure out what to do. I promise. Please, come back to the hotel, just for tonight.”
“Where will I sleep?” Adil asked, always the one of them to be thinking about practicalities.
Toby knew what he was insinuating without having to hear the words – he couldn’t sleep with Toby anymore. He didn’t like it, but he understood why. And even though Toby wanted nothing more than to spend the night curled up against him, reassuring himself that he was still here, he knew that wouldn’t help either of them. They had too much to sort through before they even had a chance of getting near to that stage.
“You can have my bed. I’ll sit on the armchair. I probably won’t be able to sleep anyway.” He knew that every time he closed his eyes he would picture the way he found Adil, and he wasn’t ready for it.
“Toby, I can’t…”
“Please.” Toby begged. He had never begged for anything before in his life.
“Alright, Toby,” Adil finally succeeded, and although Toby knew it was probably only from the realisation that he had nowhere else to go rather than an actual desire to be in his company, he still saw it as a small victory.
They walked in silence, but it wasn’t as awkward as earlier had been. Nothing was resolved, Toby doubted it would ever be fully, but at least now he was confident that Adil wasn’t going to be spending the rest of the night alone and that made him feel a lot better.
“My mother is going to be absolutely furious with me for ditching the party!” Toby exclaimed, trying to bring back a little piece of normality to their conversation, and complaining about Lady Hamilton was one of their favourite conversation topics.
“Freddie too. They wanted to have a show of solidarity at this party to prove that the Hamilton’s are still on form.”
“What will you tell them?” Adil questioned, looking rather fearful.
“I don’t know, I’ll think of something. But don’t worry, I won’t mention anything about… what happened.” He promised, deducing that Adil was worried Toby would tell others about the events of that night. Which, of course, Toby would never ever do.
“Thank you.” Adil replied simply.
As soon as the pair turned the corner onto the street where The Halcyon stood they both halted in surprise. Toby’s jaw dropped instinctively as he took in the sight before him.
The sky was on fire.
“Oh my God, what’s going on?” He cried in a panic, once his brain had caught up with what his eyes were seeing.
The hotel was destroyed, by a bomb most likely, Toby surmised. That means there was probably casualties, maybe even deaths.
“I need to find my family!” He choked, subconsciously reaching out to grab tightly onto Adil’s arm to help him stay upright.
“I’ll help you,” Adil offered and Toby just nodded his agreement, still in shock.
Toby stumbled up to the front of the hotel, passing crowds of people huddled together but none of them were who he was looking for. He was still scanning the faces when Adil pulled him to an abrupt halt. Broken out of his trance, he turned to face Adil to question him on the sudden stop when he caught sight of the line of bodies that had been moved to beside the fence. Toby’s ears were ringing and he felt himself sway slightly and if Adil wasn’t standing directly beside him gripping onto his arms he felt like he would have fainted.
“Toby, you need to sit down…” Adil implored, and even though he was more alert that himself, Toby he knew that his heart would also be breaking at the sight before him. How was it that Adil was always the strong one?
“No, Freddie, my Mother…” He tried to manoeuvre around Adil to get a better look.
“They’re not there, Toby. They’re not there.” Despite Adil’s reassurances he wouldn’t believe it until they were standing in front of him telling him they were okay.
“Maybe if I had been here I would’ve been able to help! I could’ve saved them!” Toby shouted, gesturing wildly to the casualties of the bombing.
“But Toby, if you were here who would’ve saved me? And anyway, I don’t think one person could have done much to change this. Maybe you would’ve been hurt too!”
This was all wrong, Toby thought to himself. This night was supposed to be about him comforting Adil but somehow suddenly the tables had flipped. But he was in such a state of anxiety that he couldn’t even think properly.
“Freddie! Thank God!” Toby spotted his brother kneeling beside something on the ground, and he barrelled over. Freddie looked up and a relieved grin broke out across his face.
“Toby, where have you been? We were so worried!” Freddie exclaimed, enveloping his twin in a tight hug.
“It’s alright, I’m alright. Mother?” He asked warily, not sure if he was ready for any bad news.
“She’s fine. A bit shaken, but Mr Garland is looking after her.”
“And Emma?” Toby queried, gradually making his way through the most important people in their lives. Freddie gestured over to a nearby ambulance where Emma could be seen rushing around with bandages and helping those who had been injured. Of course that’s what she’s be doing, thought Toby proudly.
Now he knew that his immediate family were safe and well, Toby allowed himself to be escorted by Adil to an ambulance where he was treated for shock. Adil stayed with him, but they didn’t talk.
A while later Freddie came over, accompanied by Mr Garland. They had done all they could do for now.
“What’s going to happen now?” Toby queried, not envying the position his brother was in. He would have no idea where to even start in a situation like this.
“Well, we’ll know more in the morning but for now we’re just sending everyone home. All the staff, obviously, can be on their way and Mother is finding us some rooms at another hotel for tonight.”
“You see, Mr Joshi’s residence suffered from a gas leak this evening. He had telephoned me for help, that’s why I was away. It’s not safe for him to go back. I was bringing him back to stay the night here, would it be possible to get him a room as well?”
Toby stumbled over his words, his voice hitching at the words ‘gas leak’. He had always been a terrible liar. If Freddie knew that he wasn’t telling the truth, he didn’t say anything about it.
“Yes, yes, of course. I will see to it myself.”
“Thank you so much Freddie.”
Adil just stood by Freddie’s sight in a silent daze, still completely in shock about the events that had happened that day.
After that, Freddie broke the news that Sonny and Betsey hadn’t made it, along with Mr D’Abberville and several of the hotel guests. And even though his heart was breaking for the two musicians who had brought so much love and happiness to The Halcyon, and even though it was the worst possible moment for it, Toby felt pleased. He didn’t care if it made him a bad person if he had to resist the urge to grin and punch the air in victory. D’Abberville had been a Nazi spy who had ruined both his and Adil’s lives and Toby couldn’t think of anyone he would rather be dead.
When the others left to check on things, Toby turned immediately to Adil who was still trying to take in the news.
“You see, D’Abberville is gone. You don’t need to worry about him anymore.” Toby exclaimed, the relief that was taking over him evident in his voice.
Adil looked up at the man he loved with all his heart, body and soul and managed a smile. It was small, pitiful and slightly forced, but it was there. It was a start.