Archive of Our Own ^beta

    “Wait six months.”

    The look Atsushi gave him was one of confusion, or perhaps intrigue. Maybe both. Surprised, definitely, by the sudden command Akutagawa had given him. And, truth be told, Akutagawa was surprised too. But he had made up his mind, and nothing was likely to change it now.

    “In six months, I’ll kill you,” he declared. “Fully prepare yourself. When we fought on board that ship, I simply hated you for your good fortune. But now, it’s a little different. I can’t move on until I’ve distorted you. And so, I will kill you.”

    He was sure that what he was saying didn’t make sense to Atsushi. It hardly made sense to himself. No, he no longer hated Atsushi only because Atsushi had a better life than he did and took everything for granted. He’d learned recently that wasn’t the case at all. But Atsushi still angered him for a reason he couldn’t decipher. He had to figure out that reason before he could kill Atsushi.

    He didn’t know how he was going to distort Atsushi’s place in his life enough to be able to let him go, but six months was enough time to figure it out.

    “Got it,” Atsushi said, startling Akutagawa out of his thoughts. He stared at Atsushi, who was now staring back at him with a determined expression on his visage. “But I have one condition.”

    It was Akutagawa’s turn to look confused and intrigued. Definitely surprised. Perhaps the man-tiger understood more about Akutagawa’s vow than he himself did. He raised a thin brow in response.

    “Don’t kill anyone in those six months,” Atsushi ordered. “If you do, you should recognize a simple fact. It’s what you truly need to be recognized by Dazai!”

    Akutagawa’s eyes widened. There it was again. The man-tiger’s reasoning behind why Dazai had abandoned him; thrown him away like he was garbage and never looked back. Those words had broken Akutagawa the first time he heard them. But by now, he had accepted them, and he knew that Atsushi was right.

    Without meaning to, Atsushi had helped Akutagawa’s goal become clearer to him.

    “The relationship between weakness and strength is not how you see it! The truth is that you… are here in front of me, and…”

    “Deal,” Akutagawa said, cutting Atsushi off. He didn’t need to hear any more. There wasn’t anything left to be said.

    Atsushi’s tensed body relaxed and his voice disappeared. The truth was that Akutagawa was there in front of him, and the two had come to an agreement that would decide the future for both of them. There was no way either of them could back out now.

    But perhaps, they both thought, this was the way it was meant to be.

---

    It had been six months. Six months since Akutagawa had made a promise that he would grow powerful enough to kill Atsushi. Six months since Akutagawa had agreed not to kill anyone else in his search for strength. Six months since Atsushi had decided that he would train and push himself beyond his limits so that he could beat Akutagawa; not only to preserve his own life, but to be free of the ghosts in his past that tied him down.

    Six months came and went, but while Akutagawa had kept the second promise that he made to Atsushi, he knew with absolute certainty that he would not be able to keep the first.

    “Are you sure you want to face Akutagawa, Atsushi?”

    Atsushi’s own expression matched the grim seriousness of Dazai’s as he turned his head back to look at his teacher.

    “If you go, you might not come back. You’ve grown strong, but Akutagawa may have grown stronger still. You don’t owe anything to him. There’s no shame in walking away.”

    “You’re right, I don’t owe anything to him,” Atsushi agreed, “but I’m not doing this for him. I’m doing it for myself.”

    Dazai pursed his lips. “Fair enough.”

    Mentor and protégé stood with eyes locked for a short time that seemed like an eternity before Atsushi turned away to face his self-determined destiny.

    “Atsushi,” Dazai called, but his ward did not turn to him again. He smiled wryly, reluctantly accepting the fact that his tutelage was no longer needed nor even considered. Not by Atsushi and not by Akutagawa. In the end, all he could say was “Good luck.”

    “Thank you,” Atsushi said, “but don’t worry. I won’t let you down.”

    Akutagawa had no such talk with Dazai--or with anyone--before disappearing from his home to travel to the location that had been agreed upon by him and Atsushi. Not even his sister got a goodbye. She didn’t need one. Akutagawa knew from the start how this meeting would end, and it wouldn’t be with either of them dead.

    “The truth is that you’re here in front of me.” Atsushi repeated his words from that day six months ago as he and Akutagawa stood at opposite ends of a room in the cave that had previously been a hideout for the Rats in the House of the Dead. The two of them had agreed to finish what they’d started in the place where they’d started it. “But did you keep up your end of the deal?”

    “I did,” Akutagawa grunted.

    The first three months had been torture for him. He’d almost lost himself many, many times. In all honesty, he deemed it a miracle that he had gained enough self control to keep himself from killing any of his victims. That was always his first instinct. Kill, kill, kill, it was all he knew how to do. All he was good at. The only thing that kept him in his place were those words that Atsushi had said to him.

    “It’s what you need to be recognized by Dazai!”

    “It’s no wonder Dazai threw you away and left!”

    But after that, it was easier. Something clicked in him. It was like a switch had flipped inside of him, and he realized that killing was far from the solution to any of his problems. Work-wise, it often did more harm than good. Dead men tell no tales, as they say. And killing those who refused to speak even when alive was just a waste of time and energy. There were no benefits to it. It didn’t so much as help relieve his stress. So Akutagawa found other ways to get his jobs done, and those ways proved to be far more effective than he ever dreamed they would be.

    The trouble was, now that he didn’t have killing to fall back on, Akutagawa had no solutions to the problems he faced in his personal life. He’d wished Dazai dead many times but had never wanted to be the one to kill him, and that in and of itself had brought Akutagawa countless sleepless nights and years of inner turmoil before he had even met Atsushi simply because the only way he knew how to deal with feelings was snuffing them out. And Dazai couldn’t be snuffed out.

    Now, he was having the same problem with Atsushi. He still couldn’t seem to distort Atsushi like he wanted to. He wasn’t even sure that he really hated Atsushi anymore. But no matter how he felt towards Atsushi right now, he realized for the first time that killing Atsushi wasn’t the answer to any of the questions that he had.

    Killing unnecessarily made you weaker, not stronger. So killing Atsushi would add nothing to Akutagawa’s strength. And it wouldn’t give him the things of Atsushi’s that he coveted. And it certainly wouldn’t make him able to forget about Atsushi and move on.

    He was more confused now than he ever had been before, but at the same time, he felt like the pieces of the puzzle were finally starting to fit into place. Even those few realizations were already painting a clearer picture of his relationship with himself and with Atsushi in his head. But there were still pieces that were missing. Still colors that were faded. And Atsushi was the artist, the mastermind, who was the only person capable of completing the scene.

    “And I kept up mine,” Atsushi said. “I’ve fully prepared myself for this battle. I’m going to give it my everything. And I’m not going to lose.”

    Akutagawa hummed shortly. “We’ll see.”

    Atsushi didn’t wait for Akutagawa to make the first move. He settled himself into a fighting stance. Blue rings wrapped around his arms and his legs briefly before the fabric of his pants and shirt were torn to accommodate the sudden growth of the appendages. Large, muscular, fur-covered limbs took the place of weak and slender human flesh. His eyes became catlike. His teeth grew sharp like fangs, and he brandished them as he snarled at Akutagawa.

    “Rashomon…” Akutagawa murmured, and he became surrounded by a red aura that brought his clothing to life as if possessed by a demon from Hell itself, “bend the man-tiger to my will!”

    Two jagged tendrils protruded from Akutagawa’s coat and raced towards Atsushi, threatening to rip straight through his chest, puncturing his lungs and his heart. It was an attack that Atsushi had been subjected to many, many times before. He was easily able to predict where the tendrils intended to land and grab them before they could do any damage. But to Atsushi’s surprise, instead of being hard and sharp in his hands, the tendrils felt flaccid and silky.

    Atsushi was caught so off guard by the sensation that he didn’t realize the tendrils slithering through the cracks in his fingers and wrapping themselves around his arms until it was too late to easily stop them. The feeling was not unlike how it felt when Akutagawa had leant his Demonic Armor to Atsushi, but there was no extra strength granted to him this time. These bindings were meant to contain, not empower.

    And yet, the energy around Akutagawa was different now than it had been at the beginning of their confrontation. It was still hostile, but somehow, it wasn’t threatening. He seemed like an animal on guard, afraid of something that was much bigger than he was. And Atsushi got the feeling that when Akutagawa struck, he didn’t intend for a fatal blow.

    Rashomon wrapped its way around Atsuhi’s body up to his neck, then lifted him high into the air and slammed him against the wall of the cave. Atsushi grunted as his body hit the cold stone, immediately sending a surge of pain through him, but it was nothing that he couldn’t handle. A third tendril emerged from Akutagawa’s coat, stretching until it was right in front of Atsushi’s throat, but it didn’t move further than that. Atsushi swallowed hard, but narrowed his eyes at Akutagawa, and made no attempt to escape his prison.

    “You learned something, didn’t you?”

    Akutagawa said nothing at first. For a long time, he simply held Atsushi’s stare, keeping Rashomon tight around him and threateningly close to his throat. But after a while, he lowered the third tendril.

    “This was your goal, wasn’t it?” he asked before a cough ruptured the air around him.

    Atsushi raised an eyebrow. “What was?”

    Akutagawa scoffed. “Don’t play dumb with me, man-tiger. Why else would you have made me agree not to kill anyone for six months?”

    “I told you before,” Atsushi said, “killing doesn’t make you strong. And if you aren’t strong, Dazai will never acknowledge you.”

    “But that’s just it,” Akutagawa said, shaking his head, almost laughing in his disbelief at his realization of how utterly stupid he had been to believe what Atsushi had said to him. “You’ve said it yourself so many times before; Dazai has already acknowledged me. Maybe not in the way that I wanted, but he believes in my strength, and my potential to become even stronger. That’s why he keeps trying to push us together. Because he acknowledges both of us and believes that we can push each other to become stronger.”

    Atsushi blinked in surprise. He’d been trying to imply something like that since the first time that he and Akutagawa had teamed up together, against Fitzgerald atop the Moby Dick. But the things he had said never seemed to get through to Akutagawa, so he’d decided to try another tactic. It seemed to have worked--though, not in the way that Atsushi had expected.

    “But it isn’t Dazai who has been on my mind these past six months. What he thinks of me--of us--doesn’t matter anymore. It hasn’t mattered ever since he left me behind, no matter what I believed back then. I don’t need his guidance anymore.”

    At first, Akutagawa merely averted his gaze, but he couldn't bring himself to confess what he wanted to while he could still feel Atsushi’s gaze boring into him. He turned his back to Atsushi and stared ahead at the wall in front of him.

    “I need yours.”

    Atsushi’s eyes widened in shock. “What…?”

    Akutagawa spun on his heel to face Atsushi again. At the same time, Rashomon pulled Atsushi away from the wall and dragged him through the air until he was close enough for Akutagawa to grab. Rashomon unwound itself enough for Akutagawa to grip the fabric of Atsushi’s shirt firmly, holding him by his collar while Rashomon kept him still.

    “You told me you would teach me how to do things other than kill. Dostoyevsky is gone, the Rats are gone, the war is gone, but I’m still here without a purpose because you took away the only thing I've ever known! So give me a new one!”

    His voice trembled near the end of his rant. His hands shook and he loosened his grasp on Atsushi. Rashomon kept its hold on him, but he was allowed to stand on his feet again. Looking into Akutagawa’s eyes, Atsushi saw the expression of a lost child.

    “You’re the only one who can.”

    Atsushi didn’t know what to say or how to react. The last time Akutagawa and Atsushi had seen each other, Akutagawa had promised to kill him. Akutagawa had admitted that he hated Atsushi. Now he was saying that he needed Atsushi’s guidance? That Atsushi was the only person who could give him a purpose in life? That was absurd.

    As much as Atsushi’s gut instinct was to tell Akutagawa Yes, I’ll help you find a purpose, it wasn’t that simple, nor was it something that Atsushi necessarily wanted to dive into simply for Akutagawa’s sake. It was one thing to promise Akutagawa that they would have a proper fight to the death if and only if Akutagawa didn’t kill anyone for six months, but another thing to try and reshape Akutagawa’s entire way of life and thinking. Especially if Akutagawa had no intention of leaving the Port Mafia or even becoming a semi-peaceful man.

    Atsushi believed that his own purpose in life was to save people, even if they seemed like they couldn’t be saved. But it was one thing to save Kyouka, who had wanted to be in the light so badly she would rather have killed herself than live in the darkness another day, and another entirely to try saving Akutagawa, who chose to immerse himself in the darkness until there was nothing left. Atsushi didn’t think that he was capable of purging it all, and Akutagawa had no right to ask it of him.

    “It isn’t my job to give you a purpose, Akutagawa,” Atsushi spat. “It’s no one’s job but your own. You can ask people to help you but you can’t demand it of them, and you can’t rely on just one person!”

    Dependency was a dangerous thing. It was why Akutagawa was the way that he was in the first place; because he had relied on Dazai and only on Dazai from the moment he had been taken in. Now, he was trying to shift that burden onto Atsushi. But Atsushi wasn’t Dazai, and he would sink under the weight of Akutagawa’s dependence on him, which would cause them both to drown.

    And, once again, Atsushi’s words shattered Akutagawa’s soul. He’d learned to let go of Dazai, learned to believe that he had value outside of what Dazai thought of him, but he couldn’t see that value himself. Atsushi could. Atsushi was the only person who could. But Atsushi was refusing to show it to him. Akutagawa had offered up his heart and soul only for Atsushi to bat it away and leave it thumping in the dust and dirt of the cave that they stood in together. And Akutagawa was choking on the emotions that were welling up inside of him.

    “You said you would,” he cried in a hushed voice that he himself could barely hear, let alone Atsushi, even with how close they were standing to each other. “You said you’d teach me how to do things other than kill. You made me stop but didn’t show me any alternatives. And for what? So you could--so you could have the last laugh? Prove once and for all that you’re better than me? Why does that matter to you at all? You’re not the one who has to prove that.”

    Atsushi’s expression softened. He thought that perhaps he hadn’t realized at first how important this was to Akutagawa. He thought that Akutagawa couldn’t be saved because he didn’t want to be saved, but now, that didn’t seem like the case at all. Maybe this was Akutagawa’s way of trying to reach into the light. Maybe this was Akutagawa’s way of trying to pull himself out. Maybe Atsushi could help him, after all.

    “I told you. You can’t demand that people help you, but you can ask,” Atsushi said.

    Akutagawa stared at Atsushi and gulped, as if he was literally swallowing his pride. Akutagawa didn’t ask for things. He took them. But guidance wasn’t something he could take from someone who was unwilling to guide. A purpose wasn’t something he could take when he hardly knew what a purpose was.

    Slowly, Rashomon unwrapped itself from Atsushi’s body, giving him the time he needed to prepare to support himself again. His limbs were still tiger-like, but the moment that Rashomon dematerialized, Atsushi transformed back to normal. He stared at Akutagawa with a carefully neutral expression.

    “Please,” Akutagawa whispered, “Nakajima, please give me a purpose.”

    Atsushi hummed quietly. “Since I made a promise to you, I will fulfil it,” he said. “I can’t give you a purpose, Akutagawa, but I can help you find one. I’ll teach you how to love this city, and I’ll teach you how to value the people in it.”

---

    It had been a week. A week since Atsushi had renewed his promise to teach Akutagawa to do things other than kill. A week since Atsushi had promised to teach Akutagawa how to love the city of Yokohama and to value the lives that comprised it. A week since Akutagawa had decided with absolute certainty that Atsushi was the only person who could help him find a purpose in life.

    A week came and went, but while Atsushi was determined to pull Akutagawa into the world of the light, Akutagawa wasn’t convinced that Atsushi’s methods would work.

    When Atsushi had said he would help Akutagawa find a purpose in life, Akutagawa had expected long talks and meditation; something akin to the experience they’d had in the Rat’s cave while fighting Goncharov that ultimately ended up being the reason why they won--albeit less stressful and less angry because they didn’t have the threat of death hanging over their heads this time. But Atsushi believed that, for once, talking wasn’t the answer. If he was going to teach Akutagawa how to love this city, he needed to show Akutagawa what was worth loving.

    “Meet me outside of the Agency’s building at nine o’clock sharp Saturday morning.”

    Akutagawa furrowed his brow. “What? Why?” Surely there were other, safer, more secluded places for him and Atsushi to sit down and discuss the meaning of everyone’s life and the value of their souls, and why Akutagawa should care about any of it.

    “It’s the best place for us to start at if I’m going to take you around the city and show you everything there is to love.”

    “Show me?” Akutagawa asked, startled by the suggestion. No, startled wasn’t the right word. Confused, maybe, and slightly put off. “I thought we were going to… talk. Like we normally do.”

    “No,” Atsushi said firmly. “If you truly want me to help you find a purpose in life, words aren’t enough. You have to see the good in the world for yourself. What reason would you have to believe that there are things to love in this city if I only tell you there are?”

    “...because I…--”

    Akutagawa hesitated before speaking, then cut himself off before he could finish. He was about to say it was because he trusted Atsushi, but he couldn’t bring himself to admit that out loud. Not yet.

    Besides, whether he trusted Atsushi or not was irrelevant, he realized. Just because he believed it when Atsushi told him there was good in the world didn’t mean he could make himself care about it. Atsushi was right. Words weren’t enough to make him care. He needed to see with his own eyes what exactly it was that he should be caring about.

    “Fine,” Akutagawa conceded, “I’ll be there.”

    “So, are you ready to see the things in this city that are worth living for?”

    Atsushi’s voice startled Akutagawa. He had been expecting Atsushi to come out of the building to find him, not approach him on the sidewalk from behind him. He whipped around to face Atsushi and barely managed to push his glasses back onto his face before they slid off his nose and fell on the ground. Atsushi’s eyes widened a little.

    “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to surprise you like that.”

    Akutagawa merely grunted in response and folded his arms over his chest. “Let’s just get this over with. Where are we going, anyways?”

    Atsushi resisted the urge to sigh. Already, he knew he had his work cut out for him. Akutagawa may have said that he didn’t care about Dazai’s approval or guidance anymore, but getting him to care about anything other than Dazai’s acknowledgement seemed like an impossible task, and Akutagawa clearly wasn’t going into this with a positive or cooperative attitude. But Atsushi had made a promise, and he was determined to keep it.

    Atsushi had two possible starts in mind for their expedition around the city today, but the choice that he made would depend on Akutagawa.

    “Did you eat anything before you came to see me?”

    Akutagawa furrowed his brow. “What does that have to do with anything?”

    “Did you or didn’t you?”

    “No, I didn’t. Why does it matter?”

    “Then we’re going out for crêpes.”

    Akutagawa choked slightly. “What?”

    “When I stopped Kyouka from blowing up that train and I saved her from the bomb that was strapped to her chest, she stayed with the ADA because she didn’t want to go back to the Port Mafia, and believed that they wouldn’t take her. But she knew that Kunikida wanted to take her to the police so that she could serve a sentence for her crimes. I was instructed to take her to the station. The one thing she really wanted to do before she left was try a crêpe. And when she helped me fight you on that cargo ship back when the Guild had a bounty on my head, the reason she kept fighting when everything seemed hopeless was because she remembered eating crêpes with me. To her, crêpes are something worth living for.”

    “What does that have to do with me?” Akutagawa asked, not understanding how Atsushi’s memories of Kyouka could matter in trying to help Akutagawa find a new purpose in life.

    “You should live the kind of life where you can learn about other people and understand what’s important to them and why. Sometimes, your purpose in life comes from the memories you make with other people. But you can’t expect to make any memories with people when you don’t even attempt to learn the most simple things about what they find happiness in.”

    Akutagawa still didn’t entirely understand what Atsushi was trying to say. Crêpes were important to Kyouka, and evidently, only important to Atsushi because of Kyouka. Akutagawa wasn’t going to find a purpose in life through that little girl, just as she hadn’t found a purpose through him. He didn’t want to third wheel off of the moments that Atsushi spent with her. Maybe there was a lesson to be learned from Atsushi’s words, but it wasn’t a lesson that he could learn from crêpes.

    “I still don’t understand what that has to do with me. Kyouka isn’t here and she isn’t coming with us. Why should I be trying to understand what’s important to her?”

    “I’m not asking you to do it for her, I’m asking you to do it for me,” Atsushi said.

    “But you’re doing it for her.”

    “No, I’m doing it for you.”

    “But only because it’s something that’s important to her.”

    This time, Atsushi did sigh. “Look, do you want me to help you or not?” he asked. Akutagawa could tell by the tone of his voice how annoyed he was.

    “Yes,” Akutagawa replied flatly.

    “Then just listen to me. You don’t have to question everything that I ask you to do today. If you went into this with a positive attitude, it would be a hell of a lot easier for you to understand what I’m trying to tell you! If you could just trust me, just for a day, maybe you could actually have a chance at learning something,” Atsushi snapped.

    Akutagawa fell silent. He did trust Atsushi. And he did want to learn. And he didn’t want Atsushi to throw him away like garbage and leave him, like Dazai did. The thought terrified him. It made him want to die.

    If Atsushi believed that the reason Dazai had left him was because he couldn’t do anything other than kill, than what reason would Atsushi have to stay if Akutagawa proved that he was incapable of learning how to do anything else? If Akutagawa wasn’t even trying to do his part in saving his own soul, what made him worth Atsushi’s time? If Akutagawa didn’t show that he had the potential to learn, then Atsushi wouldn’t bother trying to teach him. And Akutagawa would be left alone in a dark world without any purpose and no one to help him place value on his own life.

    “Okay,” Akutagawa finally said, quietly, “let’s go out for crêpes.”

    Atsushi’s expression softened. Something in Akutagawa’s demeanor seemed to have changed. He didn’t seem annoyed by Atsushi any longer. He actually seemed like he was willing to cooperate.  

    “Come on, the stand I want to go to isn’t that far from here,” he said. He tilted his head in gesture for Akutagawa to follow him before he began walking down the sidewalk.

    The crêpe stand that Atsushi had in mind was only a couple blocks from the ADA’s building. By the looks of it, the stand hadn’t opened until just a few minutes ago. The vendor was still putting different kinds of crêpes into the display case. There was no one else in line.

    Atsushi dashed up to the stand with Akutagawa trailing behind him. He stuck his hand into the pocket of his pants as he ran, fishing around for his wallet. He ran his tongue across his bottom lip as he gazed at the crêpes in the display case. After he found his wallet, he turned his head to look back at Akutagawa.

    “What flavor do you want?” he asked.

    Akutagawa stared blankly at the display case. After gazing at each crêpe individually, his eyes flickered to the menu. Strawberry, blueberry, cherry, chocolate, peanut butter, apple… they all looked the same, save for the way the toppings were arranged on the outside. Akutagawa didn’t care enough about these particular flavors on their own enough to decide whether he would like them inside of a crêpe or not. He didn’t know what to choose.

    “Surprise me,” he mumbled, knowing that saying something like “I don’t care” would only put Atsushi out.

    To his bewilderment, though, Atsushi seemed quite pleased at the prospect of being able to surprise Akutagawa with a flavor. He leaned over the counter and said something quietly to the vendor so that Akutagawa couldn’t hear. Atsushi then set some money on the counter and was handed two crêpes, which Akutagawa assumed were different flavors because the way the toppings were arranged was not the same.

    “Come on, let’s go find a place to sit down,” Atsushi urged.

    Once again, Akutagawa followed Atsushi as he walked away. Soon, they found a wooden table to sit at, and Atsushi set the crêpes down on top of it. He sat in front of one and gestured for Akutagawa to sit in front of the other. Before Akutagawa had even sat down, Atsushi was already happily using the plastic fork that had come with his crêpe to cut it up and eat it.

    Akutagawa picked up his fork after sitting down and hesitantly began to cut into his crepe. Immediately, a gooey red filling spilled out of the crêpe and onto the thick paper that it had previously been wrapped up in. Judging by the color, Akutagawa guessed it was either strawberry or cherry. Either way, it didn’t look appealing to him. He really wasn’t hungry. He couldn’t bring himself to eat it.

    It was only when Atsushi was about half way through with his own crêpe that he noticed Akutagawa had barely touched his. He was stabbing at it with his fork and playing with the filling but he wasn’t eating any of it. Atsushi frowned at him.

    “What’s wrong with your crêpe?” he asked.

    “Nothing,” Akutagawa said, once again furrowing his brow, not looking away from the crêpe.

    “Then why aren’t you eating it?” Atsushi asked.

    “Not hungry,” Akutagawa replied.

    “But you said you didn't eat anything before you came to meet me,” Atsushi said, pursing his lips.

    “Not hungry,” Akutagawa repeated.

    Atsushi sighed again. A second later, he was holding his own fork in front of Akutagawa’s mouth. Akutagawa snorted and tilted his head back, away from the fork. He narrowed his eyes at Atsushi.

    “Come on. Just try it,” Atsushi said.

    Akutagawa paused. The look on Atsushi’s face wasn’t one of annoyance or anger, despite the tone of his voice. He looked disappointed. And Akutagawa felt guilty.

    Maybe this was part of what Atsushi had been talking about before. Maybe this was part of learning what was important to other people. To Atsushi, specifically. And this was part of trusting him.

    Tentatively, Akutagawa closed his mouth around the fork and pulled the bite of crêpe off with his teeth. Once the fork was out of his mouth, he began chewing the crêpe. It was chocolate flavored, and a lot sweeter than Akutagawa had been expecting, but… not in a bad way. He kind of liked it.

    He didn’t say anything about it, but somehow it seemed that Atsushi could still tell. He smiled as he pulled the fork back. “It’s good, isn’t it?”

    Akutagawa still said nothing.

    “Come on,” Atsushi urged, scooping more up with his fork and holding it in front of Akutagawa’s mouth again, “have some more!”

    Akutagawa took another bite. And another, and another, as Atsushi kept feeding him until the second half of the crêpe was gone. After that, Atsushi pulled Akutagawa’s crêpe over to himself and took a bite of it before feeding more to Akutagawa. With this crêpe, he alternated between feeding himself and feeding Akutagawa. This one was definitely cherry flavored. Akutagawa could honestly say he preferred the chocolate.

    When the second crêpe was gone, Atsushi gathered up the paper and the two forks and balled them up together. He stood up from the table and walked to a trash can so that he could throw it all away. When he came back to the table, he offered a hand to Akutagawa.

    “You ready to see what else there is to love about this city?”

    Akutagawa stared at Atsushi in silence for a moment before he stood up from the table, though he didn’t take Atsushi’s hand.

    “Lead the way.”

    The next item Atsushi had on his mental agenda for the day was a bit more of a walk to than the crêpe stand was, but it was important that this stop be next. Atsushi couldn’t think of a better way to start the day. If anything was going to get Akutagawa excited to see the city and every beautiful thing in it, it would be this.

    Akutagawa knew where Atsushi was taking him as soon as he could see the attraction. The Cosmo Clock 21 was located in the heart of the Cosmoworld amusement park and was one of Yokohama’s most famous tourist spots. The huge ferris wheel was visible from miles and miles away as its passenger cars were raised up and around on the horizon. And Atsushi was running straight towards it.

    They reached the entrance of the amusement park and Atsushi excitedly dragged him through the gates. Entrance to the park was free; it was the individual attractions that you had to pay for. Atsushi made a beeline for the ferris wheel, looking back at Akutagawa every once in a while with a huge smile on his face. Akutagawa didn’t understand why Atsushi seemed so excited, but just the look on his face made Akutagawa feel like maybe this wouldn’t be a waste of time.

    The park had only just opened, so Atsushi and Akutagawa were able to buy their tickets for the ferris wheel and get in line fairly quickly. When it came to their turn, Atsushi rushed into the passenger car and stood in the doorway, waiting for Akutagawa to join him. He was practically bouncing on his feet as Akutagawa took short steps until he reached the car and stepped inside. The door closed on them and, once they were both sitting down on benches opposite of one another, the ferris wheel began to turn again.

    As they rose higher and higher into the air, the ferris wheel would stop every few minutes to let another passenger on. During these pauses in their ride, Atsushi would have his face pressed to the window and would be pointing out everything that he could see inside the park and out, urging Akutagawa to look with him. Akutagawa would take short glances out the window every now and again, but his gaze was mostly fixed on Atsushi.

    They stopped again near the very top of the ferris wheel. At that point, Atsushi stood up from the bench and went to the window in the space between the two benches. He grabbed onto the railing along the inside of the car and looked back at Akutagawa.

    “Come here and see this,” he said.

    Akutagawa stared at him in silence for a moment before he complied, getting up from the bench and going to stand beside Atsushi. Atsushi smiled at him before looking out the window again, tilting his head in a silent request for Akutagawa to do the same. Akutagawa followed Atsushi’s gaze out onto the city below them, which looked something like a dollhouse because of how high up they were.

    “That’s our city,” Atsushi said quietly. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

    Akutagawa found no beauty in the sight below him. This city was the only place that he called home, but he felt no emotional attachment to it. It was the city that had beat him and broken him down until there was nothing left inside of him other than this darkness that he was trying to expel for Atsushi’s sake. All he saw were plain brick buildings and people that he didn’t know or care about milling around in streets that he recognized out of memorization rather than fond memories he should have of walking down them. Whatever Atsushi was seeing didn’t exist on the same plane that Akutagawa did.

    He shrugged in indifference.

    Atsushi frowned. “I’ll show you it is,” he said quietly. “I’ll show you the beauty in this city even if you can’t see it now. I promise.”

    “I’ll hold you to it,” Akutagawa said, but already, his faith in this endeavor was fading again.

    When the ferris wheel began moving downwards, Atsushi finally sat back on the bench that he had been sitting on before. Akutagawa did the same. They rode the rest of the way back down to the ground, Atsushi with his eyes focused on the outside world, and Akutagawa with his eyes focused on the look on Atsushi’s face. Atsushi stepped off the ferris wheel first, ran towards the attraction’s exit, and waited for Akutagawa there.

    “You know, the ferris wheel isn’t all we can do here. We could ride some of the roller coasters, or look around the shops, or…”

    Thrill rides didn’t appeal to Akutagawa. Well, amusement parks in general didn’t appeal to Akutagawa. But thrill rides were the biggest thing that he tried to avoid. His face scrunched up instinctively when Atsushi suggested riding roller coasters together.

    “Do we have to?” he asked.

    Atsushi paused for a moment, as if to think about Akutagawa’s question, before his lips curled into a smug sort of grin that Akutagawa hadn’t seen on Atsushi’s face before. “Yes. We have to.”

    This time, it was Akutagawa’s turn to sigh. “I don’t see how riding roller coasters will make me love this city,” he grumbled. “If anything, it’ll make me hate it more.”

    Atsushi rolled his eyes. “The only reason you’re not having fun is because you’re not letting yourself have any. Now come on. Riding a few roller coasters won’t be the end of the world. Let’s go.”

    So Atsushi dragged Akutagawa on ride after ride in the amusement park until he suddenly seemed to realize how much money he was spending on these attractions alone. At that point, he decided rather sheepishly that it might be a good idea to skip looking in the shops for the day, lest he find something that he would be tempted to buy for himself or for Kyouka. Akutagawa was fine with that. He wasn’t enjoying himself now any more than he had been when Atsushi first suggested they go on more rides. So they left the theme park together in a bit of a hurry.

    Atsushi had spent more money than he had intended to at Cosmoworld. He admitted that he had gotten a bit ahead of himself. Though, it was only because he wanted Akutagawa to have a good time. And yet, it seemed like he wasn’t any closer to getting Akutagawa to appreciate anything in this city. And he was getting a little frustrated.

    Maybe Akutagawa needed to see something traditionally beautiful before he could see beauty in anything else. Atsushi had considered taking Akutagawa to a garden today. He really should have considered doing things with Akutagawa that were less expensive. But if it helped Akutagawa even a little bit, then… well, it was worth it.

    “Come on, I’m gonna take you someplace beautiful,” he said to Akutagawa as they walked down the street, away from Cosmoworld.

    Sankeien Garden was another popular Yokohama tourist attraction, filled with beautiful trees and other plants, ponds, streams, and historical houses and other buildings. If any one place could give Akutagawa appreciation for that city, surely Sankeien would be it. Even if the tickets were 700 yen each.

    But as Atsushi stood in front of the ticket booth, fishing in his pocket for his wallet again, Akutagawa stepped in front of him. He pulled his own wallet out of his pants pocket and handed the lady behind the counter enough bills to cover two tickets. When the lady handed him the tickets, he gave one to Atsushi, who blinked in surprise.

    “...you spent a lot of money at the amusement park. And on the crêpes. That can’t be healthy for the pocket of an ADA lapdog like you,” Akutagawa said, noticing how surprised Atsushi seemed.

    Atsushi snapped out of his daze at those words and he glared at Akutagawa. “I wouldn’t have decided to take you here if I couldn’t afford it. I don’t need your charity or whatever. I can swing it.”

    Akutagawa snorted again and simply walked towards the garden’s entrance.

    Atsushi sighed and followed after him.

    Atsushi grabbed a map of the park at the entrance, and once inside, they stood together and traced the map to try and find the best way to get through the park and see everything. Once they’d planned out their path, they began walking together. Atsushi read the plaques that were by every exhibit they saw and asked questions to Akutagawa in an attempt to engage him in their surroundings. Atsushi could tell that Akutagawa was listening to him intently, but his replies weren’t exactly as substantial as Atsushi had been hoping they would be.

    Eventually, Atsushi decided that they needed to take a detour to a restroom so that he could use it. Akutagawa was appalled by the idea, feeling apprehensive even about using the bathroom in a well-kept restaurant, let alone a garden’s public bathroom that probably wasn’t anywhere near as maintained. And there were far more other people using it. But Atsushi was insistent, so Akutagawa simply opted to wait for him outside.

    Atsushi was finished in five minutes, but somehow Akutagawa was assuming it would be longer. And he wasn’t facing the bathroom’s entrance while he stood outside waiting for Atsushi. And the fact that there were so many other people around and he was in an environment where he wasn’t supposed to worry about being in danger made it harder for him to sense what was around him. So he didn’t notice that Atsushi was right behind him until he heard someone talking right in his ear.

    “I’m back!”

    This time, Akutagawa did jump. He jumped and stumbled forward and his glasses fell on the ground. He turned to see who the hell was daring to sneak up on him. One of Rashomon’s heads materialized from the arm of Akutagawa’s sweater. Even after seeing Atsushi again, he didn’t drop his defenses.

    “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Atsushi said, putting his hands up, partially in surrender but partially to motion for Akutagawa to calm down. “It’s just me, Akutagawa. Put the Ability away.”

    Akutagawa narrowed his eyes at Atsushi. “That’s the second time you’ve snuck up on me like that today. If you don’t quit it, you’re going to give me no choice but to sic Rashomon on you again,” he snarled.

    Atsushi narrowed his eyes right back at Akutagawa. “You need to learn how to chill out! You don’t need to pull Rashomon out every time you hear someone talk next to you! If you hurt someone with that for no reason, you’re gonna get the police called on you! Now put it away!”

    Akutagawa finally lowered his guard, and he was about to dissolve Rashomon, when he suddenly found himself encountering another surprise. As he looked at the arm that Rashomon had materialized from, he noticed that there was a small child standing beside him, lifting her arm up and petting Rashomon’s head with her tiny fingers. Akutagawa stood frozen in confusion as he stared down at the girl and the innocent smile on her face. When Atsushi noticed her, he began to laugh.

    “Your dog is cute, Mister!” the girl said sweetly. “What’s his name?”

    Akutagawa opened his mouth to speak, but no sounds came out. Atsushi walked over to the girl and smiled at her, still chuckling quietly. “His name is Rashomon,” Atsushi explained.

    The girl giggled. “Ra-sho-mon! That’s a pretty name!” she said.

    “Yeah, isn’t it?” Atsushi agreed. He then reached his own fingers under Rashomon’s “chin” and began to scratch it. To both his surprise and Akutagawa’s, Rashomon seemed to start purring.

    “Yuko, sweetheart, come on. We’re heading this way now,” a voice called out, which made the girl retract her hand and turn her head to look behind her.

    “Coming, Mama!” she called back before dashing off.

    After getting over the initial shock of the incident, Akutagawa finally dissolved Rashomon, but his body remained tense from how shaken he was. Atsushi continued to laugh. After a moment, he bent down to pick up Akutagawa’s glasses and, seeing as how Akutagawa made no move to take them when he held them out, he placed them back on Akutagawa’s face himself.

    “Come on, we’ve got a lot more of this garden to see,” he said, then began walking down the path again.

    The two of them followed the path that they had planned out without any more interruptions and hit every exhibit in the park. The whole trip took a good two and a half hours. And by the time they had made it outside the garden’s exit, Atsushi’s stomach was growling. Akutagawa glanced at Atsushi when he heard the noise, and Atsushi grinned sheepishly.

    “Maybe we should get something to eat…” he suggested.

    Akutagawa wasn’t feeling hungry in the slightest. He doubted he would eat anything unless Atsushi forced him to again. But if Atsushi needed to eat, then Akutagawa would come with him.

    “Fine. Let’s go,” he said.

    Atsushi nodded and continued walking down the sidewalk. As they were walking, he asked, “do you have anyplace you’d like to go to eat?”

    “No,” Akutagawa said bluntly.

    “Okay, well… what kind of food do you like?”

    “I don’t like any kind of food.”

    Atsushi furrowed his brow. “Come on. You eat, don’t you? What do you like to eat?”

    “I eat food for its nutritional purposes, not because I like the way it tastes.”

    Atsushi sighed once again. “You’re impossible…” he murmured.

    “You’re the one who wanted to eat,” Akutagawa said. “I’ll go wherever you want to.”

    “Whatever. Let’s just go to one of the local cafés…”

    After a few more minutes of walking, Atsushi and Akutagawa finally came to a café that Atsushi was familiar with. He pushed the door open and the bell chimed as he and Akutagawa stepped into the quiet, homely little restaurant. The man behind the counter smiled pleasantly at them. Atsushi grabbed a menu off of a stack that was by the door.

    After looking over the menu and deciding what he wanted to order, he passed the menu to Akutagawa, but Akutagawa pushed it back. “I don’t need it.”

    “Oh,” Atsushi said, “have you been here before? Do you already know what you want to eat?”

    “I’m not eating,” Akutagawa said.

    Atsushi frowned. “But it’s lunchtime… You haven’t eaten anything all day but that crêpe. Aren’t you hungry?”

    “No,” Akutagawa said.

    Atsushi sighed for what he felt must have been the hundredth time that day. “At least order something small. You have to eat something.”

    “No I don’t,” Akutagawa protested.

    Atsushi’s frown deepened. “If you don’t order something for yourself, I’m just going to make you share what I order with me.”

    Akutagawa had figured that would be the case, and he figured that there was no way he could change Atsushi’s mind about it, so he remained silent.

    Atsushi huffed and placed his menu back on the stack with the others. He began to walk towards the counter, once again stuffing his hand into his pocket so that he could pull out his wallet, but Akutagawa grabbed him by the shoulder and held him back. Atsushi turned his head to look at Akutagawa and raised an eyebrow. Akutagawa took his wallet out of his pocket again and held it out to Atsushi.

    Atsushi glared at him. “I told you already, Akutagawa, I don’t need charity.”

    “It isn’t charity,” Akutagawa snapped. “You’re buying food that I’ll be eating as well. The least I can do is pay for my own meals.”

    “It’s too complicated splitting the price between my wallet and yours. I’ll just pay for the whole thing.”

    “In that case, just use my money for the whole thing.”

    “No, I’ll use my own--”

    “Nakajima.”

    Reluctantly, Atsushi took Akutagawa’s wallet from him and trudged up to the counter, grumbling his way there. However, as soon as he was standing in front of the cashier, the smile returned to his face. Akutagawa sighed and shook his head, then went to find a table for him and Atsushi to sit at while Atsushi was ordering the food.

    When Atsushi came to sit down with Akutagawa, he had a metal stand with a numbered card stuck in the top. He set the stand down at the end of the table and sat across from Akutagawa. He handed Akutagawa’s wallet back to him. The two of them sat in silence for a while, neither one of them making eye contact with each other, until Atsushi decided to clear his throat and speak.

    “So… what did you think of the garden?”

    “It was nice,” Akutagawa said flatly. He meant that. It was a very nice garden, and the trip had been tranquil aside from when Atsushi had decided to sneak up on him outside of the bathroom. He didn’t regret the walk, unlike the thrill rides.

    “Yeah?” Atsushi asked eagerly, a small smile gracing his features again, genuinely excited by the prospect that Akutagawa might have had a fun time. “What was your favorite part?”

    Akutagawa didn’t have one. He didn’t get attached to things like that. He’d only been to the garden one time, it wasn’t like he could pick a favorite exhibit or spot from one visit. But Atsushi seemed so invested in whatever his answer would be. He felt like if he didn’t say something, he would let Atsushi down, and he’d been doing his best to avoid that today.

    “The Tomyoji Pagoda,” he finally said. It was the first thing that came to mind. He hoped Atsushi would believe it.

    Fortunately, Atsushi took it without question. “Wasn’t it cool? We got to see the oldest pagoda in the Kanto region in person! This city is amazing!” he exclaimed.

    Akutagawa had to admit that it was impressive, but he just didn’t take the same interest in it as Atsushi did. And yet, listening to Atsushi excitedly chatter about it somehow made it a little more interesting. Akutagawa wasn’t sure why.

    “I thought the Main Hall of Old Tomyoji was really pretty, too,” he continued. “But everything in the garden is just so old and there are so many interesting facts and architectural elements… It’s all gorgeous.”

    “Yes, I suppose it is,” Akutagawa agreed.

    A moment later, a server came by and placed a bowl of chazuke in front of Atsushi, with an extra bowl and pair of chopsticks, since Atsushi had mentioned that he would be sharing with his friend. She also placed down two glasses of water before walking away. Atsushi took the extra bowl and poured some of the meal into it, then placed the extra chopsticks into the bowl and pushed it over to Akutagawa. Akutagawa looked down at the careful mixture of green tea, white rice, and salmon, and once again decided that he really wasn’t hungry.

    Atsushi downed his portion of the bowl rather quickly and instantly knew that he was going to have to order another one. He wouldn’t let Akutagawa get away without eating at least that small portion that Atsushi had shared with him, but he definitely needed more from himself. He still felt like he was starving, and he could eat enough chazuke for ten people on a good day.

    “Come on,” he said, reaching over the table and scooping up some of the rice and salmon with his own chopsticks, “I’m not letting you out of here until you’ve eaten something.”

    With a heavy sigh, Akutagawa leaned forward and ate what was between the chopsticks. To him, it tasted just as bland as all the food he was already used to eating. He didn’t understand why Atsushi seemed to like such a simple meal so much. He didn’t see the appeal in it at all. But he knew that Atsushi was serious about his threat, so he picked up his own chopsticks and started eating without Atsushi having to feed him.

    When the server passed by their table again, Atsushi ordered another bowl.

    Akutagawa scrunched his face up. “You’re not going to make me eat more of it, are you?”

    “Not if you don’t want it,” Atsushi said. “This is mainly for me.”

    Akutagawa shook his head. “You ate that first bowl like a hungry hog. I can’t stand taking more than a bite a minute. How do you eat like that?”

    Atsushi smiled wryly and stared down at the table, folding his hands in his lap and playing with his fingers. “I know chazuke isn’t the most extravagant meal, but… I just think about the days back when I lived in the orphanage. I didn’t get a lot to eat, so when the kitchen was empty, sometimes I’d sneak in there and make myself chazuke to eat. It was the quickest and easiest thing I could make on my own that would fill my stomach. It was a godsend, honestly. Those quiet moments I had to myself in the kitchen were the only times I ever really felt at peace.”

    Akutagawa fell quiet. He supposed that was something he could understand. The way Atsushi felt about chazuke was similar to the way he felt about the coat that Dazai had given him when he had first taken in Akutagawa and his sister. Only, while Akutagawa’s coat made him feel safe because it gave him power, chazuke made Atsushi feel safe because it reminded him of peace. And suddenly, Akutagawa found himself wishing that he had something that reminded of him of peace. Though, he couldn’t say that he really knew what peace was.

    The server came back a few minutes later with another bowl of chazuke. Atsushi reached for his wallet again, but  Akutagawa beat him to it. He gave the server the extra money to pay for the second bowl. Atsushi looked at him, once again slightly surprised.

    “Oh, do you want to eat some more?” he asked.

    Akutagawa shook his head. “No,” he said, then quickly added “but it isn’t charity, either. I just… wanted to pay for you.”

    “Oh,” Atsushi said, not any less baffled than before. “Oh. Well, uh, thank you…”

    “Mm,” Akutagawa grunted.

    Atsushi offered him a weak smile before digging into his second bowl.

    When Atsushi finished, they stacked the empty bowls inside of one another and then did the same with the empty cups. After making sure the table was an easy clean up for the server, they stood up from the table together. They bid a good day to the visible staff members before leaving the restaurant.

    “So,” Atsushi began, turning to face Akutagawa and walking backwards as they continued down the sidewalk together, “is there anything in particular that you want to see or do today, Akutagawa? Anything you think will help you see how great this city is?”

    Akutagawa didn’t like the question that Atsushi was asking him. It made him feel like Atsushi didn’t know what he was doing. Like he was just winging this whole thing and he didn’t really have a plan to teaching Akutagawa how to love Yokohama. That was the whole reason that they were here today; because Akutagawa didn’t know how to care and Atsushi was supposed to teach him. Why the hell would he have anything picked out that he wanted to do today?

    But maybe this was just all part of Atsushi’s plan. He’d said that Akutagawa couldn’t rely on just one person to give him a purpose, and that he had to be willing to learn or he never would. Maybe this was part of being willing to learn. Maybe he was supposed to have some curiosity in something. But he didn’t. He really didn’t. And he didn’t know how to answer Atsushi’s question.

    “I… Uh…”

    He tried to think of something, anything, that he could say. Something that the people in this city must love to do. An activity that normal people enjoyed. Something simple and fun that everyone could relate to. Even the most stereotypical thing in the world would at least be an answer, right?

    “I want to… see a movie,” he finally said.

    Atsushi blinked. “A movie?”

    Akutagawa nodded.

    “Uh, okay,” Atsushi said, mildly stunned by Akutagawa’s answer but not unhappy with it. “What kind of movie?”

    Akutagawa shrugged. “I don’t know what’s playing.”

    “Oh,” Atsushi said. “Well, we’ll look at the posters when we get to the theater and you can decide.”

    “Okay,” Akutagawa agreed. He was glad that Atsushi was letting him pick. If he was going to do something that he didn’t really care about he at least wanted to try to enjoy it.

    When they reached the theater, Atsushi took Akutagawa up and down the front wall outside, where all the posters for the movies that were playing that day were hung up. There were some cartoon movies, a couple that looked like romcoms, one that Akutagawa could tell by the title would be incredibly sad, and one with an eerie shadow that looked vaguely ominous. The move was titled “Footsteps.”

    “That one,” he said, staring intently at the poster.

    Atsushi looked at the poster and immediately had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He hadn’t heard of that movie before, but the poster didn’t exactly make it look appealing. It just looked creepy. But he’d said that he would let Akutagawa pick. He couldn’t take back what he had said now.

    “If that’s what you want to see…” he said, and resisted the urge to sigh.

    The two of them made their way into the theater and walked up to the counter to buy tickets. Akutagawa insisted on buying his own ticket, but Atsushi wouldn’t let him buy both of them. Once they had their tickets, they found the showing room that they were supposed to be in and grabbed seats in the middle row to sit down and watch the movie. Much to Atsushi’s disappointment, the movie turned out to be a horror movie.

    From beginning to end, the movie was creepy as hell, and Atsushi had a pit in his stomach the entire time. He was sure he screamed at least twice. He ended up clinging to Akutagawa’s arm for most of it. But Akutagawa barely seemed to notice. In fact, he seemed to be enjoying himself. Atsushi didn’t know whether to feel happy about that or not.

    After two and a half grueling hours, the movie finally ended, and the blood returned to Atsushi’s white knuckles as he pried himself off of Akutagawa. As they walked out of the theater together, Akutagawa seemed just a little more engaged than he had been before they had sat down. Atsushi was still very, very shaken.

    “S-so… I take it you liked the movie…?” Atsushi asked after finding his voice again. They were walking away from the theater, but Atsushi had no real idea where they were going.

    Akutagawa nodded. “It was interesting,” he said. “My sister watches movies like that all the time. I hate them because in the movies she watches, the protagonists are always so stupid. But the protagonists in this movie were actually smart, and in the end, they still ended up being taken by the Shadow. It was… well done.”

    Atsushi was surprised by the depth of Akutagawa’s reply. Somehow, Akutagawa just didn’t seem like the type of person to be a movie critic. The fact that he was so invested in the dynamics of this movie amused Atsushi. He couldn’t help laughing.

    Akutagawa raised an eyebrow. “What’s so funny?”

    Atsushi shook his head. “Nothing, I just… I wasn’t expecting you to like the movie as much as you did,” he admitted.

    “Oh,” Akutagawa said, looking away from Atsushi, his cheeks turning a slight pink color. Atsushi laughed a little harder.

    “What are we doing next, anyways?” Akutagawa asked the question out of annoyance, but he was also genuinely curious. Aside from the roller coasters, the things that he and Atsushi had done together hadn’t really been bad. He felt like, maybe, he was starting to have fun.

    “Oh, well, I was thinking… there’s this little strip of shops downtown that are all locally owned. Kenji knows all of the people who work down there. Sometimes we go down just to look at things even if we don’t buy any of it. I think… I think that’s a really good way to get to know the people in this city and really appreciate what they do.”

    Akutagawa hummed faintly. “Alright, well, lead the way.”

    Atsushi and Akutagawa walked deeper into the busy city of Yokohama until they came across an area that was just a little bit worse for wear. Or rather, it just didn’t look as modernized as the rest of the city did. The buildings were older and smaller and the roads were dustier, but overall, the atmosphere was a lot cleaner. There were children playing in the road and men and women both young and old chatting with one another outside the shops. A few of them waved to Atsushi, and he waved back like they were old friends. Akutagawa felt out of place, and yet, not unwelcome.

    “Hey, Akutagawa, let’s go into this one,” Atsushi said, pointing to a small shop that had old lamps and china sets in the window. Akutagawa supposed it was an antiques shop. He followed along as Atsushi dashed over to the door, pulled it open, and walked inside.

    “Oh, Atsushi! Hello there!” a woman cheerfully greeted once he and Akutagawa were inside. “Is Kenji here with you today?”

    “Nope, not today Miss Sawaya. He’s working. It’s my day off,” Atsushi replied.

    “Oh, that’s too bad. Next time you see him, tell him I said hello, won’t you?” she requested.

    Atsushi smiled and nodded. “Of course!”

    The woman smiled back at him. “Bless your heart,” she said, then turned to look at Akutagawa. “And who’s this?” she asked.

    “This is another friend of mine. His name is Akutagawa,” Atsushi introduced. “He hasn’t been to this part of town before, so I wanted to show him around.”

    “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Akutagawa. I hope you enjoy your time down here,” she said.

    “Ah, thank you…” Akutagawa said quietly.

    The woman smiled at him. “Feel free to have a look around!”

    Akutagawa nodded. Then, Atsushi pulled him to a corner of the store to start looking at all of the antiques that were on display. They spent twenty minutes perusing the shop, looking at all it had to offer, before Atsushi said his goodbyes to the lady who was watching it and he and Akutagawa left together. Akutagawa made a mental note to come back to the shop to buy gifts for Kouyou and Hirotsu around the holidays.

    Atsushi and Akutagawa visited several more shops in that same part of town. Atsushi seemed to know all of the owners, regardless of what the shop sold. Jewelry, clothes, books, toys, everything. Akutagawa ended up buying a set of floral hairpieces that he thought his sister might like. All in all, it took them about three hours to visit all of the shops on the street, and by then, Atsushi was hungry again.

    “Hey, what do you say we go get some dinner…?” Atsushi asked as they were walking back up the street the way they came.

    Akutagawa still couldn’t say he felt particularly hungry, but he wasn’t opposed to the idea of eating. “Sure,” he said simply.

    “Do you have any place in mind?” Atsushi asked, knowing that the answer was most likely “no,” but he still wanted to ask.

    Akutagawa was silent for a moment before he said. “I might know a place, actually.”

    Atsushi raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”

    Akutagawa nodded with a quiet grunt. “It’s a bit nicer than you’re probably used to eating at, but don’t worry. I’ll pay for it.”

    Atsushi glared at Akutagawa, put off by the comment. “Hey, I thought we were past this petty charity crap. I can pay for my own meals, Akutagawa,” he snapped.

    Akutagawa was mildly startled by Atsushi’s tone. He hadn’t realized when he said it that his words could be misconstrued as being condescending or petty, though now that he was thinking about it, he could see why Atsushi thought that way. He really hadn’t meant for it to come out like that, though.

    “No, I only meant…” Akutagawa started, searching for words that wouldn’t upset Atsushi more than he already was, “Since it was my choice and not yours, you might not have been accounting for it in your budget for today. It would be impolite for me to have you spend in excess on my behalf. I’d be happy to foot the bill for both of us, since the restaurant is my choice.”

    Atsushi seemed to calm down a bit. The tone of Akutagawa’s voice and his body language told Atsushi that he hadn’t meant any harm. And really, Atsushi would be grateful if he could go out for a nice meal without having to pay for it for once. So he swallowed his pride and let Akutagawa have his way.

    “Oh. Okay. That’s fine, then.”

    “Come on,” Akutagawa said, “I’ll take you there now.”

    For the first time that day, Atsushi followed behind Akutagawa as they walked down the sidewalk together. Akutagawa led the way to wherever it was that he wanted to take Atsushi out to dinner. In half an hour, they had reached a nice looking restaurant called Jubilee.

    Atsushi followed Akutagawa to the entrance and Akutagawa held the door open for him. Atsushi walked into the restaurant and was immediately met with warmth, compared to the breeze outside. The lights were low and the inside of the building smelled of cherries. There was no line in front of the host’s counter.

    Akutagawa approached the host and was greeted rather familiarly. “Ah, Mister Akutagawa. How nice to see you again,” the host said.

    Akutagawa nodded. “Nice to see you, as well.”

    The host let out a quiet chuckle. “I don’t often see you arriving before Mister Nakahara or your sister. Will one of them be joining you soon?”

    Akutagawa shook his head. “No, I’m not eating with either of them tonight.”

    “Oh?” the host asked, raising an eyebrow. “Are you eating alone tonight, sir?”

    Akutagawa shook his head again. “No, I’ve… brought someone else with me,” he said quietly, as though he was admitting some embarrassing secret, though he wasn’t sure why he felt that way. He turned his head and tilted it towards Atsushi, who waved sheepishly when he noticed Akutagawa looking at him.

    The host glanced at Atsushi and smiled. “I see,” he said. “Tonight a special occasion?”

    “You could say that,” Akutagawa answered, though he wasn’t sure what the point of the question was.

    “Right,” the host said, grinning at Akutagawa as he pulled two menus from the rack beside the counter and stepped out from behind it. “Well come right this way, I’ve a table for two with your name on it.”

    Akutagawa motioned for Atsushi to follow him as the host led both of them to a small, candlelit table near the back of the restaurant. He set the menus down at either chair, then gave the two of them a small bow before saying “A server will be right with you. Please, make yourselves comfortable, and enjoy yourselves,” then walking off.

    “Thank you!” Atsushi called out as the host walked away, then turned to look and smile at Akutagawa. “You two seem to know each other well. You come here with Nakahara and your sister a lot? He seemed surprised that Nakahara wasn’t coming. Does--”

    Atsushi cut himself off as the realization dawned on him that this restaurant might not be an entirely legitimate establishment. If mafioso came here often, it made sense to assume this was a front or a cover of sorts. The idea made Atsushi incredibly uneasy and maybe even a little angry.

    He narrowed his eyes at Akutagawa. “Did you take me to a restaurant owned by the mafia?”

    Akutagawa narrowed his eyes right back as he sat down in his chair and pulled it towards the table. “What? No, why would I ever bring an ADA lapdog to a Port Mafia front?”

    Atsushi folded his arms over his chest. “I don’t know, why would a port mafioso regularly have dinner somewhere that wasn’t under the Port Mafia’s protection?”

    Akutagawa scoffed. “Not every port mafioso wants to deal with work all the time, you know. We can have nice, casual dinners together with our friends someplace where no one recognizes us for who we are.”

    Atsushi still wasn’t entirely convinced, but he didn’t want to cause a scene. Not when he and Akutagawa had been having such a nice day up to this point. Not when causing a scene might mean getting beaten to Hell by however many other mafioso were inside this possible front restaurant.

    He kept his eyes narrowed as he pulled his chair out and sat down, then scooted it closer to the table again. Akutagawa sighed heavily and reached his hand up to rub his temple with a finger. He knew that Atsushi was still suspicious of his motives in taking him to this place, but he didn’t have the energy to try to argue right now. Instead, he picked up the menu and pretended to look through it, since he already knew what he was going to order.

    Atsushi, on the other hand, had never been to this restaurant before, and had no idea what the menu was like. His eyes darted up and down the lists of entrées and appetizers, trying to decide what he wanted to eat. All of it sounded so delicious, he didn’t know how he was going to choose.

    A server came by the table a few minutes later. “Can I start the two of you off with something to drink?” he asked.

    “Uhh, I’ll just have water, thanks,” Atsushi said without looking up from his menu.

    “Pinot Noir,” Akutagawa said, placing his menu down and glancing up at the server.

    The server jotted down the orders, then nodded to Akutagawa before walking away. In a few minutes, he was back with Atsushi’s water and Akutagawa’s wine. He set the glasses down on the table and stood back, pulling his notebook off of his belt again. “Are you two ready to order?” he asked.

    Akutagawa nodded, though he had no idea if Atsushi had picked anything off the menu yet. “Zosui,” he said.

    The server wrote the order down, then looked at Atsushi. “And for you?”

    Atsushi still hadn’t come even close to finding something that he wanted to try more than he wanted to try everything else, but it would be rude to Akutagawa and to the server if he didn’t pick something now. “Uhh… katsudon…?” His voice seemed slightly uncertain, but in the end, he figured that would be just as good to eat as anything else.

    “Alright, will that be all?” the server asked.

    Akutagawa simply nodded.

    The server smiled. “We’ll have it out to you as soon as we can,” he said, then took the menus before walking away again.

    The two sat in silence while they waited for their food, but it was far from uncomfortable. Instead, it was Atsushi gazing around the restaurant in awe, his suspicion seeming to have faded away for the time being and replaced with curiosity. Akutagawa could bet that Atsushi had never been to a place this nice before. It was a little sad, considering how this wasn’t even really an upscale restaurant. You didn’t even need a reservation to get in. But for some reason, Akutagawa could say he was glad to be the person who could first give Atsushi this experience.

    When the food arrived, Atsushi wolfed his katsudon down much in the same way that he had wolfed down the chazuke in the café earlier that day. Meanwhile, Akutagawa was as slow as ever with his zosui. It was the meal that he always ordered when he came here, but he wouldn’t call it his favorite. He just wasn’t interested in trying new things.

    Atsushi finished his food with a satisfied sigh and sat back in his chair. “That was amazing!” he exclaimed, then glanced at Akutagawa’s half empty bowl of zosui. “How’s yours?”

    “It’s fine,” Akutagawa said.

    Atsushi picked up the dessert menu that was on the table and opened it up to look through it out of curiosity. However, his eyes widened when he saw a picture of a chocolate cheesecake topped with caramel, whipped cream, strawberry slices, raspberries, and blueberries. He definitely wanted to try that.

    “Akutagawa, we should order some dessert!” he suggested.

    Akutagawa glanced at the dessert menu in Atsushi’s hand, then shrugged. “If you want.”

    When the server came back, Atsushi told him what he wanted to order. The server wrote it down, then took Atsushi’s empty dishes away. By the time he came back with the cheesecake, Akutagawa had finished his meal. The server set down the plate of cheesecake with two forks, took Akutagawa’s dishes away, and left the table.

    Atsushi pushed the plate towards the middle of the table and picked up one of the forks. He scooped up some of the cheesecake and took a bite, then hummed as he savored the flavor on his tongue. It was incredibly sweet but savory at the same time and Atsushi was in love with it.

    He took a few more bites of the cheesecake, then noticed that Akutagawa wasn’t trying to eat any of it. He assumed it was for the same reason that he hadn’t been eating on his own all day. So rather than confronting Akutagawa about it, he simply scooped up more of the cheesecake and then held his fork up to Akutagawa’s mouth.

    Akutagawa sighed quietly. He knew that he wasn’t going to get out of sharing the dessert with Atsushi, so he didn’t put up a fight about it. He didn’t particularly care about the taste, though it was similar to the crêpe he’d had earlier. He ate it simply because Atsushi wanted him to. Atsushi alternated between eating bites and feeding bites to Akutagawa until the cake was gone.

    Once again, the server came back to the table to take the empty dishes away. He asked if there was anything else that the two young men wanted, and Akutagawa said no. The server left the bill on the table and took the dishes away. Akutagawa paid the bill, then he and Atsushi left the restaurant together.

    It was darker outside now than it had been when they had first entered the restaurant. Akutagawa glanced towards the sky and noticed that the sun was starting to set. There were purple and pink hues mixed in with the blue. He pursed his lips.

    “It’s getting late.”

    There was an air of disappointment in his tone. The day was almost over and Akutagawa didn’t feel any closer to finding a purpose in life. He didn’t love this city any more now than he had this morning. And he didn’t want his time with Atsushi to end.

    Atsushi seemed to sense Akutagawa’s unhappiness. He took a quick look at the sky, then looked at Akutagawa again. “Come with me,” he said quietly, “I have one more thing I want to show you tonight.”

    Akutagawa followed as Atsushi walked away from the restaurant and led him to a tall office building some blocks away. The employees there seemed to recognize Atsushi and let him go where he wanted without checking in with anyone, which Akutagawa found odd, but he chalked it up to something of the Agency’s doing. He didn’t question it.

    Atsushi led Akutagawa into an elevator, then took him to the top floor of the building. From there, they climbed up a flight of stairs to reach the roof of the building. By then, the sky was much more orange than pink, and the city below was basking in the soft, fading light. Atsushi rushed to the edge of the roof and placed his hands on the short wall that lined the top of the building.

    “This is our city,” he said when Akutagawa finally joined him. He fell silent to allow his words time to sink in. Standing at the top of that building, next to each other, with the wind blowing through their hair, they gazed at the city together. Finally, Atsushi tore his eyes away from the buildings and looked at Akutagawa instead. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

    But as Akutagawa looked out over the city now, just as he had done when he and Atsushi were at the top of the ferris wheel, his answer to that question hadn’t changed. Sure, he’d enjoyed himself today, but it had only been because Atsushi made it so enjoyable. Atsushi found fun and beauty in things that Akutagawa would never have even noticed were there. But maybe that was the problem. Maybe there was something wrong with Akutagawa. Or maybe Atsushi existed in a different world than he did.

    Or maybe… maybe it was something else.

    Akutagawa was snapped out of his thoughts when he felt Atsushi’s hand on top of his. And yet, Atsushi seemed just as surprise by the gesture as Akutagawa was. Clearly, he had only meant to adjust the position of his hand; not to touch Akutagawa in such a way.

    “Oh, I’m sorry--” Atsushi started and tried to pull his hand away, but, once again to the surprise of both of them, Akutagawa grabbed Atsushi’s hand and held it in place.

    “Atsushi,” Akutagawa began, continuing to surprise both himself and his companion with his actions by using Atsushi’s first name, for no other reason than that the question he was about to ask was incredibly intimate, “is it wrong to live for other people?”

    “...what…?” Atsushi responded, having no clue where the question came from nor how to answer it without context.

    “You said that I can’t rely on just one person and that it’s no one’s job but my own to give me a purpose in life. But what if I don’t have a person that I want to rely on, but someone that I want to live for? If I don’t expect anything in return, if I don’t rely solely on that one person to help me make it by, is it wrong to live for someone else?”

    Atsushi opened his mouth to speak, but slowly closed it after a moment. He still didn’t have an answer off the top of his head, and the severity and suddenness of the question startled him. Where was this coming from? And why did Akutagawa seem so vulnerable and uncertain right now?

    Now that he thought about it, Atsushi had people that he lived for. He lived for Kyouka, because she needed his guidance and affection and he wanted to be there for her. He lived for Dazai, because Dazai had taken him in off the streets and made him into a stronger, better person against all odds. He lived for Fukuzawa, who treated him like a son, gave him a home and a job and a family and helped him find a purpose in life.

    He lived for Akutagawa, with the desperate hope that he might help Akutagawa find the light.

    “I… yeah, I guess… it’s okay to live for other people…”

    “This city isn’t beautiful,” Akutagawa said, “but you are. When I walk through this city alone, I feel nothing but resentment for the streets that raised me and tried to kill me. I don’t see the good that you see, I don’t feel the things that you feel, except when I’m looking at you. Because the truth is that I am here in front of you, and we have been intrinsically connected since the day that we met, and perhaps before that. I thought at first that it was because I had to prove that I was better than you to Dazai, but I see now that that’s not the case. The truth is that I was meant to find you so that you could push me into becoming strong enough to leave the past behind. I’ve done that, and now, you are my future.”

    “A-Akutagawa, I…”

    “I thought I needed you to help me find a purpose, but it’s been right in front of me the whole time. My purpose is you. My purpose is that I need to become a better man for your sake. Because if I can do that, then maybe… maybe I’ll be able to see the beauty in the world outside of what I see in you. And if I can learn to do that, then maybe… maybe it will make you smile.”

    Akutagawa’s grip was impossibly tight on Atsushi’s hand, but neither of them seemed to be bothered by it. They stood still and quiet, staring at one another in awe and perhaps mild adoration. In the heat of the moment, Akutagawa had forgotten about everything other than voicing the thoughts that were swirling in his head like a tsunami. But as the silence wore on, he started to believe that maybe he had made a mistake.

    The silence somehow became even quieter, to the point where Akutagawa felt like he was in a vacuum that no sound could penetrate at all. Slowly, he uncurled his fingers from Atsushi’s hand and began to pull away. But in one instant, Atsushi was grabbing tightly onto his hand and refusing to let go, and in the other, Atsushi was pulling Akutagawa close to him until their lips were touching, and from then, Akutagawa could focus on nothing else.

    Time seemed to stop around them. The only sound that Akutagawa could hear was blood rushing in his ears. The only thing that he could feel was how tightly Atsushi was squeezing his hand, the heat of Atsushi’s cheeks, and the sensation of Atsushi’s soft lips locking onto his own. And he never wanted those feelings to go away.

    But all too soon, the moment ended. When Atsushi pulled away, time resumed, and Akutagawa was disoriented enough to believe that he could feel the Earth’s rotation. The only thing keeping him on his feet was Atsushi’s hold on him.

    “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “Maybe I’m relying on you too much, after all.”

    “Maybe that’s okay,” Atsushi told him. “Maybe just for a little while.”