Work Text:
(A cellphone is ringing)
(Someone picks up)
JOHN: Sherlock? Where are you? I haven’t seen you all morning.
SHERLOCK: A little tied up in a situation in Glasgow. I booked you a ticket with a charter airline.
JOHN: And what makes you think I’m coming?
(Muffled noises on the other end)
JOHN: Sherlock?
(More noises)
JOHN: Sheeeeeerlock?
SHERLOCK: Sorry! Got to go. I’ve emailed you the details.
(Sherlock says something incomprehensible with a strong Scottish accent, and hangs up)
JOHN: (mumbling to himself) Jesus...
(A door opens)
DOUGLAS: Ah, hello Martin! You’re here, early as ever.
MARTIN: Morning, Douglas. I’ve actually been here for the past hour and a half.
DOUGLAS: Even earlier than usual then?
MARTIN: Yes, well, I believe, as I am the captain, giving myself more time before the flight, to inspect the plane, do my log book and just... familiarize myself with the craft can only have positive outcomes... And my alarm clock went off early.
DOUGLAS: Ah. You know, when I was at Air England, I always thought that as a captain, I should show up fashionably late.
MARTIN: Well, we’re not at Air England, are we? And you aren’t the captain.
DOUGLAS: Nor do you exude any form of fashionableness.
MARTIN: Very funny.
DOUGLAS: Oh, I’m not being funny. Your hat on the other hand...
MARTIN: My hat exudes leadership.
DOUGLAS: Leadership over a dozen plastic soldiers, two or three model aeroplanes maybe, and let’s not forget, Lieutenant Teddy the Bear. (in an American southern accent) They say he lost his button eye in a fierce fight with an extremely stubborn two-year-old girl, (does a scary voice) Carrie.
MARTIN: Can we change the subject of conversation? I dislike talking about exuding hats.
(The door opens)
ARTHUR: Morning, chaps!
DOUGLAS: Speak of the devil...
MARTIN: Morning, Arthur. What brings you to the flight deck?
DOUGLAS: ... Without coffee, he means.
ARTHUR: I wanted to ask you if you wanted me to tell you who we’ll be flying with today.
DOUGLAS: No, thanks, I wanted to spare myself from the agony of definitely knowing we’ll have to fly some probably rude person to Glasgow.
MARTIN: (sighs) Who is it, Arthur?
DOUGLAS: (singing obnoxiously) LA LA LA LA LA LA LA I’m not listening! LA LA LA
ARTHUR: (louder, so as to speak over Douglas’s sing-songing) John Watson!
MARTIN: (also louder) Okay, and why did you need to tell us that!
DOUGLAS: I am a cloud, drifting away from all the noises you’re making, I cannot hear Martin or Arthur, they are but two rocks on the...
ARTHUR: Because he sounds brilliant!
MARTIN: What makes you think he’s brilliant? Not even his name sounds interesting!
ARTHUR: Well, because... why wouldn’t he be?
MARTIN: (exasperated) Why are we even flying hi-
DOUGLAS: ...and I know the rocks are of no value and it’s a waste of my time but I must rain on them now to-
MARTIN: KNOCK IT OFF, DOUGLAS. We’re done.
DOUGLAS: Ah, it’s over, phew. Now it isn’t lying to say I didn’t hear that. Although, of course I would have no issue with lying about it... unlike some of us.
(A short pause)
ARTHUR: It’s quite a coincidence that you say that, and that you’re both staring at me now, because I have issues with lying too!
MARTIN: So, Arthur, why is John Watson going to fly to Glasgow?
DOUGLAS: Martin! Did you just try to be... cheeky?
MARTIN: (very confidently) It would seem I did.
DOUGLAS: Well you didn’t manage very well.
MARTIN: I know...
(The door opens again)
ARTHUR: Anyways, no I don’t know why Mister Watson wants to go to Glasgow. I could ask him though...
CAROLYN: What? No, Arthur! Absolutely not!
ARTHUR: Why not, Mum?
CAROLYN: Because it would be terribly rude to just ask a passenger why he is going somewhere!
ARTHUR: But you always say that all the passengers are rude to us. Shouldn’t we be rude to the passengers too then? Like that there’ll be an equal amount of rudeness and it’ll be like no one is being rude.
ARTHUR: Or everyone is being rude.
ARTHUR: Which then again would mean no one’s being rude.
MARTIN: Arthur.
ARTHUR: Hang on, Skip, I’m trying to figure out if I know what I mean.
CAROLYN: Anyway, Arthur, you are not going to ask Mister Watson why he is flying to Glasgow.
ARTHUR: But-
CAROLYN: That’s final. Now, everyone get up and come into the cabin. It was specially asked that the client sees the entire crew before take off.
MARTIN: Why would we need to present ourselves to the client?
DOUGLAS: Insecure about your fashion sense, Martin?
CAROLYN: I don’t know. Perhaps he googled a little and is second-guessing his choice of pilots. Now, come on!
CAROLYN: Mister Watson! Welcome aboard and thank you for choosing MJN Air!
JOHN: Yes, hello.
CAROLYN: My name is Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. May I introduce, your steward Arthur Shappey.
ARTHUR: Hello!
JOHN: Hi...
ARTHUR: I hope you have a brilliant flight, Mister Watson. Or I guess I hope I’ll have a brilliant flight. But it’ll be more brilliant if your’s is brilliant too. But that would mean that-
CAROLYN: Arthur, shut up, you’re trying to figure out what you mean again.
CAROLYN: And this is our first officer Douglas Richardson... And your captain today, Martin Crieff.
JOHN: Okay, how stupid do you think I am?
(The room falls silent for a couple seconds)
ARTHUR: Oh, see this is where I have to be rude back to create the balance. (clears throat) Mister Watson, I believe the answer is six. As in out of ten. I mean, I didn’t want to be really rude. Also, I think I’m an eight and he doesn’t really look like me.
JOHN: Seriously though, you thought I wouldn’t notice you just casually being there.
MARTIN: I’m sorry, Sir, are you talking to me?
JOHN: Yes, Sherlock, I’m talking to you.
MARTIN: Mister Watson, my name definitely isn’t Sherlock, and I would prefer you call me Captain.
JOHN: You think you can just put on a higher voice and somehow look less tall and fool me?
MARTIN: I really haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about, Sir, so if you could just take our seat and then I’ll-
JOHN: Knock it off, Sherlock! You didn’t even bother disguising yourself this time. Is this one of those "hidden in plain sight" things?
DOUGLAS: I guess you could say Martin is hidden in plane sight, yes.
CAROLYN: Mister Watson, I can assure you, that man is named Martin Crieff, and we’ll be running late for your business in Glasgow, so if you would be so kind and take your seat.
JOHN: Fine. If you want to play this game. Okay. I will get you to slip, Sherlock, before this plane lands.
(A door opens and closes)
MARTIN: Well... That was a little odd.
DOUGLAS: A passenger who believes you to be someone pulling a prank on him. You. (laughs a little at the idea)
MARTIN: That’s not fair! I’ve pulled pranks before!
DOUGLAS: And how many of them blew up in your face like that cake Arthur made for Carolyn’s sixty-third birthday?
MARTIN: ... Nine.
DOUGLAS: You counted quickly.
MARTIN: Yeah, well I already knew the total amount of all my attempted pranks was eleven.
DOUGLAS: I see. More the pranked one than the prankster, were you growing up?
MARTIN: Does that surprise you?
DOUGLAS: Not in the slightest. Your face is like a big "PRANK ME. PRANK ME." sign. Pranksters are magnetically attracted to your features. They dream about destroying a face that looks just like yours every night.
MARTIN: But that Mister Watson did seem to think I was someone else. Someone else pranking him. That means, my face doesn’t neccessarliy look so unprankful... Right?
DOUGLAS: Well, Martin, I just said that because, having known you so long, your “PRANK ME.” aura shines through to me.
MARTIN: Thanks, Douglas..
(And once more, the door opens)
CAROLYN: Well, he’s in his seat and he’s calmed down quite a bit. Seems like we’re all ready to go.
MARTIN: All right, fuel systems checked?
DOUGLAS: Hang on, Martin. Carolyn, I have a bet to propose you.
MARTIN: Oh, please don’t!
CAROLYN: Douglas, I really don’t want to-
DOUGLAS: I bet you, fifty quid I can find out why he’s going to Glasgow before you. But neither of us are allowed to directly ask him.
CAROLYN: (after brief consideration) Seventy. Done.
ARTHUR: Good morning, Sir. May myself get yourself a beverage yourself would like to drink?
(A short pause)
JOHN: Yeah, sure, some water please.
ARTHUR: Would yourself prefer still or sparkling?
JOHN: Sparkling, please.
(Sound of pouring water)
ARTHUR: Here you go, sir.
JOHN: Thanks. (to himself) He must be planning something. Probably wants to know how long it’ll take until I think this isn’t a trick or something...
ARTHUR: I’m sorry, were you talking to me?
JOHN: (startled) What?
ARTHUR: It’s just that. Passengers don’t usually talk to me.
JOHN: I wasn’t-
ARTHUR: And when they do they complain.
JOHN: But-
ARTHUR: Or say rude things.
JOHN: Uh-
ARTHUR: Of course now, I’ve figured out that I am right about the fact that if everyone would be rude to one another, no one would be. So Mister Watson, do you want us to both be rude or is that too confusing and we can just both be polite?
JOHN: I’m fine with polite.
ARTHUR: Oh good!
JOHN: If you can tell me something. (quieter) What is your captain planning?
ARTHUR: I don’t know, sir. And you know I’m not lying, because if I was, I would either say something really ridiculous or fall over.
JOHN: ’Kay. But did he mention anything that could imply he was planning something?
ARTHUR: Sir, did you mention it was your birthday when you made the reservation? Because Mum would like you to know that the crew doesn’t offer any singing if it is. But if you want I could. (takes a deep breath) Hap-
JOHN: No that’s fine! It’s not my brithday.
CAROLYN: I’m sorry, Mister Watson! Is my son bothering you? Sometimes he doesn’t know when “I don’t want to play charades” is “I don’t want to play charades”.
JOHN: No, it’s fine.
CAROLYN: Arthur. Leave.
ARTHUR: But he said it was fine!
CAROLYN: Arthur. Leave anyway.
ARTHUR: All right...
CAROLYN: (laughing lightly) I’m sorry about that, Sir. So... do you fly frequently?
JOHN: Not that often.
CAROLYN: Ooooh? How often?
JOHN: I don’t know. Maybe three times a year?
CAROLYN: And-
(Bell)
DOUGLAS: (through speakers) Good morning, this is first officer Douglas Richardson, here to remind you that your seat belt sign is still turned off.
CAROLYN: Well, as I was saying-
(Bell)
DOUGLAS: (through speakers) Hello, again. Just a reminder that all cell phones must be turned off over the entire duration of the flight... Just in case our one passenger forgot.
CAROLYN: As I was say-
(Bell)
DOUGLAS: (through speakers) My finger slipped onto the button. Woops.
CAROLYN: As-
(Bell)
MARTIN: (through speakers) I apologize for my first officer’s last cabin adresses, and Carolyn? Could you please come to the flight deck?
CAROLYN: (grunting) Oh, what is it now? I’m sorry, Sir.
(Walks away)
JOHN: He is definitely up to something.
(Yet again, the door opens)
CAROLYN: Douglas, what was that all about?
DOUGLAS: Ah, well, that was me stoping you from finding out anything.
CAROLYN: But that’s not fair.
DOUGLAS: I never said I was playing it fair, Carolyn.
MARTIN: In fact, you’re not playing it at all. I’m ending this game, now. Before it gets out of hand.
DOUGLAS: Awh, but I didn’t even get a go at it yet.
CAROLYN: Also, you’d think with how Mister Watson reacted to you when he first saw you, Martin, you’d be more keen on us teasing him.
MARTIN: I just... I don’t know what his problem is, but I don’t want to get him more annoyed than he is, and you and Douglas are the Make... Situations More- More Annoying Duo...
DOUGLAS: Good name.
MARTIN: So I’m calling a cease-fire.
CAROLYN: Fine by me...
MARTIN: Oh good!
DOUGLAS: ...But only if you find out instead.
MARTIN: Urgh, this is Qikiqtarjuaq allover again. Fine. Fine! Douglas, you stay there, Carolyn, don’t interfere and I’ll go find out if you so desperately want to know.
DOUGLAS: Be careful. He might pounce you or something.
MARTIN: Good evening, Sir.
JOHN: Oh hello. Captain.
MARTIN: Yes, well, as much as I am the captain, there’s no need to intone it like it’s the worst meal you’ve ever eaten.
JOHN: Oh, I’m sorry. Captain.
Short pause
JOHN: So... Bit unusual for the captain to come out here, isn’t it? Any specific reason for that? Something I should be afraid of?
MARTIN: Well... It is courtesy of MJN Air that the crew converse with their clients to...
JOHN: Oh, I see. (as sarcastically as they come) Your steward seemed very experienced. And the plane looks in top condition.
MARTIN: Yes, well... I’m afraid we’re a little low on budget.
JOHN: Oh, an airline captain on minimum wage, I see.
MARTIN: ... I guess you could say that. But I assure you, we are just as proffessional as any other charter airline.
JOHN: Really?
JOHN: What does MJN stand for?
MARTIN: M-... My Jet Now.
JOHN: That sounds like a made up name.
MARTIN: I know it does!
JOHN: Okay, Sherlock, how long are you planning to keep this up? Why am I even here?
MARTIN: I’m not Sherlock! I don’t know who this Sherlock is!
JOHN: Okay, okay, captain. Talk to me about planes.
MARTIN: You actually want me to? Are you sure?
JOHN: I’m very sure.
MARTIN: All right...
CAROLYN: How long has he been in there?
DOUGLAS: Twenty minutes.
CAROLYN: That’s half the flight time!
(The door opens, sound of someone panting)
MARTIN: He wouldn’t let me go! He kept asking me more and more questions about planes!
DOUGLAS: Well then why are you so upset? He seems like your dream date.
MARTIN: He wasn’t asking ’cause he was interested. He’s still obsessed with the idea that I’m actually his friend. By the way the bet’s off. Mister Watson, himself doesn’t even know why he’s flying to Glasgow. Although I bet it has something to do with that friend.
DOUGLAS: What a shame. It was a rather interesting one.
(Sounds of someone taking a seat)
MARTIN: Douglas, I’m taking over from here till we land.
DOUGLAS: Whatever you say...
MARTIN: Could you do the cabin-adress and turn the seatbelt sign on?
DOUGLAS: Sure.
(Door opens abruptly)
JOHN: Aha! I knew you just filled your brain up with trivia and you can’t... actually... you’re... flying...
what...
MARTIN: Of course, I can fly! I told you, I’m the captain!
CAROLYN: Stop using the phrase "of course" before really not obvious things, Martin.
MARTIN: More to the point: what the hell are you doing on the flightdeck? We’re five minutes from landing, you could cause a crash!
DOUGLAS: You don’t need to be melodramatic, Martin.
(Penultimately, the door opens)
ARTHUR: Oh, this is where everyone is! I was wondering why no one was answering me, and at first I thought it was because we decided to take the "all rude" decision, so I started shouting bad words.
MARTIN: Arthur, could you escort this man back to his seat, please?
JOHN: I’m not leaving until you admit you’re Sherlock!
MARTIN: I’m not Sherlock!
ARTHUR: Sir, if you could, please come-
JOHN: ADMIT IT!
MARTIN: FINE! IT’S ME SHERLOCK. NOW GO BACK TO YOUR SEAT AND SHUT UP.
JOHN: Ha! I knew it! You have a hell of a lot of explaining to do!
MARTIN: Yes, I will. But wait until we’ve landed for that.
JOHN: Fine!
(And one last time, the door opens and closes)
DOUGLAS: Golly. Any secret identity you want to admit to?
MARTIN: I’m not Sherlock, I just told him that so he would leave.
DOUGLAS: That’s a shame.
MARTIN: Why?
DOUGLAS: Well, I guess throughout this flight, deep down I hoped that your “PRANK ME” aura was actually pranking me.
MARTIN: So you’re saying, you wanted me to be this Sherlock?
DOUGLAS: Well... not if that meant we’d have to fly him regularly.
MARTIN: Well, we’ve landed, it’ll be over soon.
(Outside, airfield noises)
JOHN: You said, you’d explain once weve landed!
MARTIN: Look, I’m not really Sherlock, I just said that to shut you up! Look someone’s here to pick you up.
JOHN: What is the point in keeping going!?
CAROLYN: It’s true!
DOUGLAS: His name is really Martin!
ARTHUR: It is!
JOHN: You’re not going to fool me and trick me into thinking you aren’t just because other people tell me. I’ll admit the height trick is a good one but come on! You’ll have to do a little better than that to impress m-
SHERLOCK: Hello, John.
JOHN: -e... What.
SHERLOCK: What’s wrong?
JOHN: Sherlock... You... But he... And you... They... What.
MARTIN: If I may explain for him. I believe he got us two mixed up. You must be Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: Yes, hello, and you?
MARTIN: Captain Martin Crieff. Pleasure to meet you.
SHERLOCK: John, do close your mouth before insects start flying in.
ARTHUR: That happened to me once.
ARTHUR: It was actually brilliant.
(Brief silence)
SHERLOCK: All right. We need to go, John. (in a Scottish accent) A serial killer’s on the loose. (normal voice growing fainter with the distance) Thank you for bringing him.
JOHN: (also growing fainter) But... you and him look exactly the same! He...
MARTIN: Well, that was kind of weird and a nice change for once.
DOUGLAS: That Sherlock, did look quite a bit like you.
MARTIN: I know...
DOUGLAS: Except for his height of course.
MARTIN: Shut up.
ARTHUR: Guys. I have a question.
CAROLYN: What is it, Arthur?
ARTHUR: So are we all being rude or is no one being rude? Because I still find this really confusing.
SHERLOCK: You did well, cousin.
MARTIN: I thought you said that that party in '99 was the last time you’d use me for one of these.
SHERLOCK: It was an emergency, Martin!
MARTIN: It’s always an “emergency”, Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: He took my skull away...
MARTIN: (a sarcastic shudder) How dare he?!
SHERLOCK: Don’t pretend you didn’t find it funny, as well.
MARTIN: Well, it was pretty hilarious to hear Douglas talk about how “unprankful” I was, while doing this, yes. (laughs confidently)
SHERLOCK: (laughs a little) How many successful ones are you at now?
MARTIN: ... Three.
SHERLOCK: Hmm... Well, you’re getting better. Remember the family reunion when you wanted to-
MARTIN: Yes. You don’t need to remind me.
SHERLOCK: Mycroft was still scraping toothpaste off your face the following week.
(Both laugh)
SHERLOCK: Well, then. Till the next time, Martin. I hope for you that that airline of yours doesn’t go bankrupt. Or you, for that matter.
MARTIN: Yeah, see you around, Sherlock. I hope for you that people are murdered- Wait NO! I hope that um... a museum is robbed, well no... I hope- I hope that the murders that do occur are a joy to solve, wait not a joy um...
SHELROCK: Goodbye, Martin.
MARTIN: No let me get this right first! I hope that you have fun- no! I hope that such horrible things bring you pleasure, well...
SHERLOCK: (sighs)