Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

So, it wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Shane just - and Ryan was - and it all kind of - he never meant to - but now they’re -

Here. In this situation. And Shane … God, Shane has no idea what to do.

“Shane.”

And that voice, Shane loves that voice. That’s a voice he would follow anywhere; a voice that could tell him to go to the deepest depths of Hell and he’s gladly oblige. A voice that Shane would do anything to hear - unless it was to hear him say no.

Shane doesn’t look up, but lifts his head the tiniest bit, just to acknowledge that voice.

“Shane, c’mon, man. Look at me.”

Shane’s a pretty big guy. He’s confident and funny and doesn’t cower from a situation. But this, this is different. Everything is on the line here. What else is he supposed to do? He might’ve ruined everything between him and Ryan. God, why’d he have to go and ask him -

“Shane, you’re being an idiot.” But there’s no malice or anger or annoyance that Shane can detect in Ryan’s voice at all - Ryan sounds almost fond - so he lifts his head a little more.

He feels Ryan slide down the wall beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. The touch is so familiar that Shane relaxes into it, leaning his head against Ryan’s.

“Are you ashamed, or something?” Ryan asks, smiling. Shane can hear his smile. “Because you shouldn’t be.”

“Are you kidding?” Shane asks incredulously, turning to the other man. “I have every reason to be. I asked you -”

“I know you did,” Ryan replies calmly, a smile still on his face. “And I appreciated it. Look, Shane,” he says sincerely, “you’re my best friend. You’re amazing, and smart, and funny, and god, I have no clue what I’d do without you. You’re kind of the light of my life.” He laughs a little, nervously, and Shane is so hopelessly endeared. “What you asked me was a big thing, but don’t be ashamed. God, you literally have no reason to be! It was a good question, I swear.”

Shane wants the ground to swallow him up so he can die down there, in some weird ground-hole. Would the ground swallowing him up be like Gaea eating him? Or would some random orifice just pop out of her skin and he’d sink into it? Greek mythology is weird. Shane needs to get out of his head. There’s another matter at hand. Ryan’s still talking.

“I know you think it was stupid, or out of line, or … Idunno, something like that,” Ryan continues, carding his fingers through Shane’s hair, his other arm still around his shoulders, “but you’re fine. It’s all good.” Ryan’s arm lowers to wrap around his waist instead of his shoulders, and keeps running his fingers through Shane’s hair. “I like you. I’m not going anywhere, you fucking moron.”

Wait. Ryan likes him. Ryan likes him back, oh my god, this is everything -

“I like you, too,” Shane rushes out, but it’s all breathily and probably sounds more like, “Ilikeyoutoo.”

Ryan beams, honest to god beams like the fucking sun, and Shane’s just … basking in his glory. Holy fuck.

“In regards to your question,” Ryan says, smiling beatifically, “yes, we can adopt a dog together and call it our baby. But maybe … Let me take you on a date, first?”

Chapter Text

Ryan Bergara had always been one to defy the odds. He’d done many things in his life that were seemingly-impossible. He’d communicated with ghosts, had a run-in with a demon, and almost solved a few mysteries and cases.

He’d found his soulmate - who also happened to be his best friend - and went on countless adventures with him.

He’d fallen in love with said soulmate, which alone was something that, according to many, was hard to come by. Impossible, almost.

But with Shane, everything had seemed possible.

Until now. Until the one thing that shouldn't have happened, the one thing that couldn't happen -

“Why?”

“People are people, Ry. Sometimes they change their minds.”

Ryan swallowed, biting his lip. “So, that’s it, then? You’re just going to leave.”

Shane peered up at Ryan as he packed his things, a hint of remorse settling onto his features. “I’m sorry.”

“Me, too.”

“People are people, Ryan, and … Sometimes it doesn’t work out.”

“I thought we were working fine.”

“I didn’t.”

Silence.

Ryan couldn’t even tell if Shane was talking about Unsolved or Ryan anymore.

“You’re just going to leave me.” It wasn’t a question.

“We’ve been over this, Ryan. I never wanted to see you hurt, okay?” Shane sighed, walking past Ryan to rummage through their closet for more of his belongings.

“Then why are you doing this if you didn’t want to hurt me? You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand, Shane. You’re the only constant I’ve had for these past three years. And you’re just walking away from it all.” Ryan didn’t understand.

“It’s inevitable, Ryan. Everything that’s good comes to an end, and the faster you accept it, the better you’ll fare.”

He still couldn’t tell if it was Ryan or Unsolved that Shane was referring to. He didn’t care to know anymore; he only feared that it wasn’t one or the other, but both. He did care about how vague Shane was being, and how indifferent he was acting despite currently crushing Ryan’s heart.

“I thought we had something good going, Shane. Three years together has to mean something, right?”

If Shane wanted to be vague, then Ryan could be vague too. Was he talking about Shane or Unsolved? There was one right answer. He wished Shane luck on figuring it out.

“It was a good run,” Shane conceded, placing the last of his things into his suitcase before zipping it up. “But it’s time I chased after something new.”

Ryan’s face fell at the ambiguous answer.

“Time to go solo?” Ryan asked, voice small.

Shane picked up his suitcase and a few stray bags, nodding slightly without turning to look back at Ryan.

“Yeah. Time to go solo.”

Was that in the YouTube series sense or relationship sense? He didn’t appreciate Shane’s vagueness right about now.

As Shane headed for the door of their apartment, Ryan couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to know.

“Say you love me.”

His voice was loud and demanding; it was serious enough for Shane to stop in his tracks. The light-haired man turned to look at Ryan, eyes soft as they stared into his.

“You know I do.” Ryan allowed the smallest flutter of hope and happiness to manifest. “But it’s not enough,” Shane continued.

Ryan’s face fell.

“I’m leaving BuzzFeed, Ryan, and I’m leaving Unsolved. I need something more, something somewhere else, far from here. As much as I love you, I can’t still be with you after leaving this place. It’ll hurt all of us too much, not just you and I. And I can’t ask you to go back and forth between your career and me. I don’t want you to have to choose, Ryan. So I’m choosing for you.”

It was the most Shane had spoken throughout their conversation, and now that things were crystal clear, Ryan felt as if he preferred the ambiguity from before.

It was better to be left wondering whether Shane still loved him or not than have the knowledge that even though he still did, it wasn’t enough and never would be. 

He watched helplessly as Shane left, closing the door behind him.

Ryan Bergara had always been one to defy the odds. Especially when it came to things that seemed impossible. 

Chapter Text

Fall is a good season. It’s always fascinating to see the transition from summer to winter - this middle ground in which the world quiets and cools and fades from green to white. Fall is good.

It’s cozy, and chilly, and warm, and gives a feeling of home.

Ryan gives a feeling of home.

But Ryan isn’t fall - Ryan’s summer, with his bright laugh and wide smile and aura that’s more radiant than the sun.

Ryan’s summer.

It’s not summer anymore, but Ryan’s still here; Ryan’s like Shane’s own pocket-summer, to keep and be reminded of warmer, brighter days. 

Ryan is sunshine to Shane.

Shane considers himself winter. It’s only fitting; summer and winter, two polar opposites, still managing to slot together perfectly. Shane and Ryan have always complemented each other.

But it’s fall right now. Fall means moving from Ryan to Shane, and spring means moving from Shane to Ryan; the seasons are endless, definite, cycling, and Ryan and Shane are always timeless, growing together, never-ending. 

Of course, this is all just an overly poetic way of saying that Shane fucking hates long-distance.

Ryan lives in sunny Los Angeles, and Shane in snowy Chicago, and they visit each other as often as they can. Shane goes to California during the summer holidays, and Ryan visits Shane over the winter break. 

Yeah. Shane could’ve said it like that, but high school English has gotten him all poetic and sophisticated. Ryan would hate who Shane has become, and the thought makes him grin. Ryan’s never been one for poetry.

But, anyways. It’s fall now, so why is Ryan here?

“Ry, hey,” Shane says in surprise, dropping his backpack unceremoniously onto the floor. Ryan Bergara is sitting at his kitchen table, and although he’s a sight for sore eyes, Shane hasn’t been expecting him until December, which is nearly a month away.

“Surprise,” Ryan exclaims, swinging his feet adorably under the table. He’s grinning - no, beaming - and, yup. There’s that sunshine that Shane has dearly missed.

“Not that I’m not happy to see you, but why are you here?”

“I turn eighteen in a few weeks, dingus,” Ryan retorts. Shane feels a little smug at that - he’d turned eighteen back in May. “Consider this an early celebration. Of course I’d wanna spend it with you!”

He looks so sincere that Shane just wants to fold him up and put him in his pocket and keep him forever.

“How long are you staying?” Shane asks.

“Just for the weekend, but,” Ryan shrugs, “better than nothing, hey?”

“You should’ve come over for Thanksgiving instead,” Shane protests. “Then we could celebrate both that and your birthday!”

“My family wants me around for Thanksgiving,” Ryan sighs. “But, I’m here now!”

And yes, Ryan’s here now, so Shane can’t complain.

“What are you doing?”

Ryan glances back at Shane over his shoulder, a delighted smile on his face.

“I’m crunching leaves,” he replies happily, and resumes stepping on every leaf he can see. Shane is so endeared.

They’re taking a walk around the neighborhood just because, and Ryan had let go of Shane’s hand to dash ahead and stomp around.

Shane loves taking walks with Ryan, especially in the fall. The atmosphere is so cozy and nice, and being with Ryan makes him feel like he’s sitting in front of a fireplace drinking hot cocoa while the wind causes colourful leaves to fall outside the window. Pretty aesthetic if you ask him.

Shane adjusts his glasses, smiling fondly as Ryan crunches more leaves under his foot, almost like he’s dancing. Shane can’t help but join in.

Ryan twirls, his coat billowing out around him, right as Shane steps forward to step on a particularly crunchy-looking leaf.

Their chests bump and Ryan looks up at Shane, eyes sparkling, while Shane looks down at Ryan, startled. There’s a brief moment of just looking, in which neither are sure what to do, and then Ryan raises his arms and Shane knows.

They waltz together, right on the sidewalk - Shane leading and Ryan following - as Shane attempts to step on every crunchy leaf which allows him to move them in a waltz-like dance.

It’s funny, that stepping on leaves could lead to choreography. It’s funny and spontaneous and romantic and sweet and dorky - just like their relationship.

Damn. Shane should major in English, it’s got him all properly poetic and deep now.

They stop waltzing after stepping on every leaf in proximity, panting a little at the exertion. Their breaths come out in little visible puffs because of the chill.

Ryan looks up at Shane starry-eyed before leaning up to kiss his forehead softly.

It would be cute if it weren’t for the fact that Ryan’s breath fogs up his lenses.

“Hey, look what you did to my glasses,” Shane quips in mock-anger, pushing Ryan’s chest gently. “Honestly, Ry, you’re the worst. Look at me, I’m blind.”

Ryan giggles, honest-to-god giggles, in reply, and proceeds to puff more breaths onto Shane’s glasses, still giggling as he does so.

“You’re gonna pay for that,” Shane growls playfully, wrapping his arms around Ryan to pull him flush against Shane’s own body. He showers Ryan’s head and face in kisses, glasses knocking against Ryan’s cheeks as Ryan laughs delightedly, struggling to get away.

They fall into a pile of leaves, because it’s fall and they’re Ryan and Shane and of course they do.

They make no move to get up - Shane’s arms still wrapped around Ryan, and Ryan’s head tucked under Shane’s chin.

“I love you,” Ryan says, and Shane’s breath catches in his throat. They’ve never - Ryan has never - this is the first time -

“I love you, too,” Shane whispers, burying his face into Ryan’s hair, not caring that his glasses will most-likely get smudged.

Ryan is summer and Shane is winter, and here, in the fall, in the season that joins them together, Shane feels at home.

Chapter Text

It ... was hard.

After Shane left.

The apartment was too cold, too quiet, too empty, everything was empty, Ryan was empty without Shane.

God.

Why did he leave?

One month, four days, seven hours, and twelve minutes.

Since Ryan last saw Shane, heard his voice, since Shane left home.

Home. Was it really home without him?

Ryan took Shane for granted.

God, it was all the quips. The stupid jokes, the banter, the teasing, Ryan never thought he hurt Shane’s feelings, never thought he’d drive him away, never thought that Shane believed anything Ryan said -

The nation’s greatest tragedy.

Your head’s so big it dragged along the floor when you walked as a kid.

Shut the fuck up, Shane.

Ryan loves it. I don’t, I really, really don’t.

Chicago is responsible for a lot of horrible things, one of which is sitting next to me.

More and more and more and more until Shane couldn’t take it anymore and he fucking -

No.

Shane knew Ryan loved him - Ryan never went a day without telling him. Ryan couldn’t bear the thought of falling asleep without saying, “I love you”, of waking up without saying, “I love you”, of going a day without letting Shane know that he was the greatest thing to ever happen to him.

There was no doubt that Shane loved Ryan, too. It showed in his words, in his actions, the way he treated Ryan; it was caught on camera during every goddamn episode - the way Shane looked at Ryan when he wasn’t looking, and how the fans loved to point it out. It showed in the little things.

So, then ... why did Shane leave?

Ryan never thought it could be like this. God, Ryan never thought he would become this type of person. The type to mope around, shattered, because one person walked out of his life.

Ryan was carefree, fun-loving, and never took anything seriously.

That was, until he met Shane. Amazing how one person could build him up and break him down just like that.

No more smiles. No jokes to mask the solemness like he did on Unsolved , no sarcastic quips to distract from the sadness, no humour as a defense mechanism to hide from the mess Shane made with his heart.

Just Ryan, his heartache, and these four walls.

(And occasionally Jake.)

It happened a week later.

Ryan just - god, he really needed to go grocery shopping, so he’d donned his beloved custom Jordans and one of Shane’s sweaters (because he was a masochist) and stepped out into civilization.

And right into Shane’s chest.

“Sorry,” Ryan muttered before glancing up and -

Oh.

“Ryan,” Shane breathed, and no, no, no. He wasn’t allowed to do that, to - to waltz back into Ryan’s life again after leaving, to break Ryan with a single word.

“Shane,” Ryan stammered, backing up. He was just starting to feel better, just starting to learn to sleep without breaking at the sight of Shane’s empty side of the bed, just beginning to stitch himself back together, just beginning to get the motivation to continue Unsolved again and now -

It all began to crumble; his walls, his resolve, his pretense of hatred for Shane.

Ryan loved Shane, and he’d take him back in a heartbeat.

Huh. His heartbeat. Shane used to say that his heart sang Ryan’s name - the steady bah-bump matching the disyllabic Ry-an. Over and over.

Ryan would listen to it as he pressed his head against Shane’s chest. Ryan used to allow it to lull him to sleep.

“What are you doing here?” Ryan asked, voice quivering, at the same time Shane said, “I couldn’t do it.”

“What?” they both asked simultaneously, and paused awkwardly.

“You first,” Ryan said quietly, because he’s still a dumb pushover for his Shane, even after all this time.

Shane cleared his throat, looking sheepish, and it was the most emotion Ryan had seen on his face since before Shane left.

“I couldn’t do it,” Shane repeated, sounding more sure that time. “I left, god, Ryan, I know I left, and - and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve. I should’ve talked to you. Communication and all that,” he joked weakly.

Ryan knew how much Shane liked to complain about miscommunication in relationships, especially when used as a trope.

“Why’d you leave?” Ryan asked, getting straight to the point.

“Because,” Shane started, before breaking off. “Can - Can we go inside?”

Ryan nodded solemnly, heading back inside the apartment complex, not bothering to check if Shane was following him. He knew he was.

It was weird, having Shane back in Ryan’s their apartment. Ryan’s their home.

“Take a seat,” Ryan mumbled, gesturing to the bed. Stupid, stupid. There was a time when Ryan wouldn’t have even had to tell Shane to have a seat, they would’ve just fell into bed easily together, cuddling as they did.

That hurts.

“Sure,” Shane replied, sitting far - oh, god, so far - away from Ryan.

It never used to be like this between them, this whole, “edging along each other’s outskirts because they’re no-longer comfortable to go back to how they used to be.” But that … That’s Shane’s fault. He left, he ruined them.

“Explain,” Ryan said tiredly, rubbing his eyes. He didn’t want to deal with this anymore - he’d just started being some semblance of okay. But Shane had to come back and rip out all of the haphazardly-made stitches that Ryan had used to patch his broken heart.

But Ryan was willing to listen.

It was … a start.

Chapter Text

It’s not that Shane’s upset. He’s just disappointed, and he really expected that to go differently. They tease each other all the time, so why did Ryan have to shut it down? It was harmless. It was cute. It was everything Shane’s ever wanted to say, and -

Yeah. He’s a little bit upset. 

There must be something wrong with him. That has to be it. There’s a reason Ryan isn’t comfortable with revealing their relationship. 

Maybe he’s ashamed.

And is that so surprising?

Shane’s … Kind of weird. He’s dorky, and tall and gangly, and he’s interested in serial killers, and he’s totally and completely out of Ryan Bergara’s league.

Right?

It’s a wonder Ryan’s still dating him - Shane asks himself every day why Ryan’s still here.

“Don’t call me baby.”

Maybe he came on too strong. Maybe it was too much, too fast, and Ryan’s already having second thoughts, Ryan’s probably on his way to break things off right now.

Fuck. Shane’s thirty, he shouldn’t be freaking out like this, but Ryan’s the love of his life.

But what if he’s not the love of Ryan’s?

What if Ryan isn’t as into him as he is into Ryan?

Ryan probably doesn’t even see a future with him. This probably means nothing to him, Shane’s just some temporary thing.

Shane rubs a hand over his face, slumping in his chair. They’d stopped filming ten minutes ago and Ryan was long-gone, but Shane stuck around. To think.

A whole lot of good it did him.

Shane never - he never knew it could be like this, is the thing. He was a dorky kid and never dated a lot and he never thought he’d ever fall in love, or be loved.

And then Ryan showed up. Ryan, with his sparkling eyes and bright smile, and - and Shane was ecstatic that they got to be on Test Friends together. There was always something about Ryan that drew Shane towards him instantly. They just fit. And then Shane had to go and fall in love with him. 

After that came Unsolved, and … Shane was over the moon. Being a co-host with Ryan was everything Shane could’ve wanted - having his own show with his best friend. A chance for the two of them to fuck around and listen to fun little stories, all while making Ryan laugh. The dream, really.

And now they’re together. Shane still - he really can’t believe it. Had no idea that Ryan felt the same about him, had no idea that someone like Ryan could ever want someone like him.

“Don’t call me baby.”

God, Shane has fucked it up. He’s fucked it all up, and Ryan probably regrets everything, and Shane’s going to lose the greatest thing to ever happen to him.

“Don’t call me baby.”

But it’s all he’s ever wanted.

Chapter Text

So, Ryan fucked up. A little. Kind of a lot.

It’s just - this thing with Shane is so new, you know? If he’s being honest … he’s scared.

His feelings for Shane have been around since Sallie House for crying out loud, he’s adored Shane for ages. If things go wrong, Ryan has no idea how he’ll ever manage. He’ll never be able to do Unsolved with Shane ever again, he’ll never be able to be friends with Shane ever again, he just can’t.

Ryan doesn’t wanna fuck anything up.

But he already has.

He didn’t mean it, okay? Ryan had never heard Shane say the word “baby” directed towards him before, and the flicker of warmth it sparked in him was wonderful and scary at the same time because they were on camera.

Ryan knows if the public knew about their relationship, he and Shane’d never hear the end of it. Unsolved is Ryan’s baby - he doesn’t want all his work to be over-looked in favour of his romance with Shane.

And if the public knew, there’d be more pressure on Ryan. If he fucks up, the world will know and not only will he feel like shit for ruining things between him and Shane, but the public will give him shit for it, too.

No, secrecy is safer. For now. Until he knows that Shane is a sure thing.

Because they’re so new, and god, Ryan is so unsure.

Is Shane in this for the long-run, like Ryan? Ryan’s liked Shane so much for so long, what if Shane only likes Ryan a little? What if Ryan’s just a temporary thing to Shane?

Everything’s so uncertain.

“Don’t call me baby,” Ryan had quipped. Ryan winces as he plays the clip back. The sheer panic in his voice is so apparent - he’d said it too suddenly, too quick, for people not to suspect anything.

“Don’t call me baby,” Ryan had said. 

Because I’m still not sure if you mean it.

Chapter Text

Shane slumps in his chair, forehead knocking against the wood of the table. He can feel the mannequin staring at him judgmentally from behind him, its unseeing eyes boring into the back of his head.

Yeah. He’s pathetic. He knows.

Shane feels like the biggest fuck-up in the world. Why did he have to call Ryan, “baby”? Why did he think he could do something like that and not fuck over the best thing that’s ever happened to him? Why did he think Ryan wouldn’t be ashamed to show the world they were together?

“You’re inside your own head too much.”

Shane’s head whips up, eyes landing on the figure of Ryan standing before him. His heart nearly stops and he feels panic washing over him and he can’t fucking breathe.

This is it. It’s happening. Ryan’s here to break things off.

Shane swallows thickly, a lump the size of a boulder stuck in his throat. Honestly, it might be his heart, at this point.

“Ryan,” Shane croaks, and he immediately beats himself up for sounding weak. He deserves this. He has no reason to feel sorry for himself.

Ryan looks nervous, fidgeting slightly, before taking a seat in his chair beside Shane, turning to face him.

Shane closes his eyes for the briefest of seconds and braces himself.

“I’m scared,” Ryan says, and a flicker of shock passes over his face for a fraction of a moment, almost as if he hadn’t meant to say that.

“Don’t be scared of hurting my feelings, I deserve it,” Shane mutters, eyes downcast. “I’m sorry. Just do it quick, please.”

Ryan looks confused at that, reaching a hand out to rest on Shane’s knee.

“What?”

“You came here to break up with me, right?” Shane says, and he sounds so defeated, too defeated, because really, he’s fucked things up with the love of his life so what else does he have to fight for?

Ryan’s hand retracts suddenly, and Shane looks up to see Ryan’s face almost comically shocked. His brows furrow upon meeting Shane’s gaze, and he frowns.

“Is that really what you think?” he asks quietly, hands fidgeting in his lap. Shane had noticed that Ryan had seemed less fidgety when his hand was on Shane’s knee, so he takes one of Ryan’s hand and holds it, to test his theory.

Sure enough, Ryan’s whole body eases, his shoulders loosening and back no-longer ramrod straight, and he even exhales a little.

It would be sweet if Shane weren’t so on-edge.

“I’m not here to break up with you, Shane,” Ryan says quietly, and Shane allows a flicker of hope to manifest.

“No?”

“No.”

“But I -”

“- I was scared,” Ryan interjects. “Am scared. Of a lot of things, Shane. I’m scared I’m gonna fuck this up between us. I’m scared that if we make ourselves public, we’ll lose this being just us. I’m scared that if we make ourselves public, there’ll be so much pressure. But most of all, Shane …” Ryan takes a breath, and Shane holds his. “I’m scared that you might not be as serious about us as I am.”

Shane lets out a breath, and Ryan holds his.

“What?” Shane asks incredulously. “Are you kidding, Ryan? I’ve liked you since Test Friends, I’m absolutely serious about us. You’re not some temporary thing. I thought I was a temporary thing to you!”

Ryan lets out his breath, and finally they’re breathing in sync again.

“Shane, I’ve been in love with you since Sallie House. I think you’re it for me, I would never even dream of considering you temporary.” Ryan squeezes Shane’s hand, and electricity shoots between both of them. “I snapped at you for calling me baby because this thing between us is so new, and I didn’t know if you meant it.

“I’m in this for the long run, Shane. I’m in love with you. I want to be with you for as long as I can - for forever hopefully, and I’m sorry if my comment hurt you in any way. I want to love you with everything I have - I want to dive right into you, into this, into us, but I can’t do that unless I know you’re serious, too.”

Shane can’t breathe. Shane can’t breathe. But for an entirely different reason from before.

Ryan’s in love with him, Ryan wants them to be together forever, Ryan feels the same way.

“Well,” Shane murmurs, leaning towards Ryan, eyes sparkling, “good thing you know that I’m just as serious, too. I’m in love with you, Ryan.”

“Say it again,” Ryan whispers, lips just barely brushing Shane’s.

“I love you, baby,” Shane breathes, and Ryan makes a sound like a happy sob.

“God, Shane, I love you, too,” he says intensely.

And then they’re kissing.

And everything’s okay.

Chapter Text

Shane didn’t mean to take his hands off. Honest to god, he didn’t. But it moved, and Ryan got scared, and he couldn’t just leave him like that.

He had to take his hands off the planchette in order to hold Ryan’s.

“It’s okay, Ry,” he murmured. “I won’t let anything hurt you.”

God, was that a lie.

Ryan’s eyes widened as he shook his head fervently.

“Shane, you took your hands off.”

“I - what?”

“Shane, you’re not supposed to take your hands off.”

Shane looked down - Ryan’s hands were on the planchette, but Shane’s hands were on Ryan’s.

“Fuck.”

“Shane, this is bad, dude. This is really, really bad.” Ryan’s voice was an octave higher, his eyes wide and panicked. Shane almost felt bad for what he did, but looking at Ryan’s terrified expression, he knew it had only made things worse.

But he had to comfort Ryan. He couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand sitting back helplessly as fear gripped Ryan, couldn’t stand being so useless.

But now here he was, in the fucking hospital of all places, because Ryan was hurt, and it was all his fault.

Because he just had to take his fucking hands off the planchette.

And Ryan had started choking.

“Ry, I’m so sorry,” Shane sobbed, holding Ryan’s hand gently. Funny how that same action was what got Ryan here in the first place.

“Shane, I’m okay, it’s okay,” Ryan croaked, throat tight. Shane could see the faint marks of scratches, and even more prominent bruises where Ryan’s hands had clenched around his own neck.

He’d passed out cold on the floor right in front of Shane, after Shane’s insistent tugging on Ryan’s arms to get him to stop.

Shane had haphazardly moved the planchette towards GOODBYE, although it was a lost cause at that point, and sprinkled holy water just to be safe. It was what Ryan would’ve done.

“Y-You’re not,” Shane gasped, shaking his head where it was buried on Ryan’s hip. “I shouldn’t have taken my hands off, but I couldn’t stand the look on your face once it moved, I - I just, I h-had to comfort you, Ry, please believe me, I had to.”

Ryan’s fingers carded through Shane’s hair as the taller man continued to babble through tears.

“You could’ve died, Ryan. Y-You could have died and it would’ve all been my fault, and y-you’re my best friend and I c-can’t stand the idea of you dying because of me.”

“I didn’t die, Shane,” Ryan murmured gently, tracing a finger over the bruises on his throat. “I’m okay. You took me here. I’m alive, Shane, because of you.”

Chapter Text

“Explain,” Ryan said tiredly, rubbing his eyes. He didn’t want to deal with this anymore - he’d just started being some semblance of okay. But Shane had to come back and rip out all of the haphazardly-made stitches that Ryan had used to patch his broken heart.

Shane fidgeted from his spot on the bed, and Ryan was slightly pleased to note that he was nervous.

As he should be, Ryan thought bitterly, pulling Shane’s sweater closer around him in a gesture of self-comfort. The sweater made him feel safe, even if the man across from him no-longer did. He left.

Shane took a deep breath, clasping his hands together, his elbows resting on his knees. He looked contemplative, and also pained.

“I made a stupid call,” he began, and it all spilled out. How the moment he left Ryan, he headed out for Maine - beautiful, northern, rocky Maine. “It was so peaceful there, Ryan,” he’d sighed, a faraway look in his eyes. “Quiet and woodsy and nice. Everything about it was great.”

“When did I stop being enough?” Ryan heard himself asking, in the middle of Shane’s exclamation of, “The trees, Ryan, god, everything about that place -”

He paused, longing smile beginning to fade. “I - what? Never, Ryan. You never stopped being enough.”

“Then why did you leave?” Ryan asked through gritted teeth. “I don’t give a fuck what you did in Maine, Shane. I just want t-to know why you l-left.”

Ryan sniffled, tears that he’d tried so hard to bottle up starting to track down his cheeks.

Shane looked away, chagrined.

“I know I told you that you weren’t enough. Before I left. But that wasn’t true. You were always enough, and you’ll always be enough. But I left because …” He took a breath. “I was worried that I wasn’t enough for you. Ever since you joined BuzzFeed, you and I have been making videos together. I mean,” Shane laughed a little, “your first independent video - the Asian glow one? You asked me to be part of that.”

Ryan watched as Shane sighed, a small smile on his face. Ryan smiled a little, too. He remembered that video - it was the first BuzzFeed video that he’d gotten to make on his own rather than feature in. And he’d gone up to Shane - who at the time was, like, an intern but not, at the same time - and asked him to take part in a video. It was met with an enthusiastic yes, and Ryan had grinned.

That was the start.

“And like, then we were on Test Friends together, and now Unsolved,” Shane continued, “and I mean … near the end of Test Friends, we got together. And - and it was the best time of my life. I’d wanted you for so long, Ryan, you have no idea.”

Ryan knew this, to an extent. It wasn’t answering his question, but Shane always did love to go on and on for a bit.

“But I started getting worried,” he continued, voice getting quieter. “You and I have been doing videos together for years, who’s to say that you weren’t only with me because I was all you knew? Who’s to say you weren’t only with me because you were used to me, or because you liked the way we interacted in videos together and just turned those into romantic feelings? Fuck, I don’t know,” Shane sighed, running a hand over his face. “I had so many thoughts and insecurities. Like, maybe I wasn’t enough for you because of how long we’d been doing videos together and you’d finally end up wanting more. Wanting to collab with other people, wanting someone who wasn’t me. I …” Shane whispered, “I figured you’d get tired of me.

“So I made the decision to leave,” Shane said tiredly. “I decided for you. I left because I wanted you to experience things with other people on my terms, before you could decide for yourself. I … I chose to break my own heart rather than wait long enough for you to break it.

“But I couldn’t do it. I lasted a month without you and had to come back because I couldn’t do it. I missed you every day, Ryan, and I wanted nothing more than to just come home. So here I am. I made a stupid decision because of my own insecurity, and I understand if you’re mad. I understand if you don’t want me back after this. At the time I thought it was the right thing but …”

Ryan was furious. Furious that Shane had the audacity to make such a huge decision, such a huge jump to conclusions, without even coming to him first to discuss things. It hurt Ryan, that Shane would do such a thing without talking to him. Ryan didn’t have a single clue that Shane had felt that way at all.

“My heart still beats for you,” Shane whispered. He reached over, arms long enough to reach Ryan. He scooted closer, then took Ryan’s hand and guided it so it pressed against Shane’s chest, right above his heart.

Bah-bump. Bah-bump.

“Ry-an. Ry-an,” Shane murmured, in sync with his heartbeat.

“I’m pissed at you,” Ryan grumbled, the tension in his hand softening against Shane’s chest, “and we have a lot to talk about. I can’t believe you made that decision without discussing anything with me first.”

“I know, I’m sorry, I was an idiot,” Shane sighed, fingers tightening on Ryan’s.

“You were,” Ryan agreed. “Shane, I fell in love with you because you’re you. I didn’t fall in love with you because you were the only one I was exposed to. Sure, we’d made so many videos together, but I hung out with Steven a lot. Eugene, Keith, Jen, all the others, too. Sure, I’ve been stuck with you for the past few years, but I always had the choice to opt out, or be partners with someone else. I chose to stick around because of you. I’ve always known that my future would be with you. I’ve always known it would be you for me.

“I don’t need to date around, experience other people. Because I want you. I’ve only ever wanted you, Shane.”

Ryan felt Shane’s relieved exhale under his palm, and it allowed him to relax, too.

“I love you. I’m glad I’m home,” Shane whispered, looking straight into Ryan’s eyes, and Ryan could see the sincerity in Shane’s, along with whole galaxies.

“I love you, too. And I’m also glad you’re home,” Ryan replied, and they both knew they weren’t talking about the apartment.

Shane’s home was Ryan, and Ryan’s was Shane, and they’d always find their way back to each other eventually. Even if it took a bit of time.

Chapter Text

“Ghosts aren’t real, Ryan. You’re scared of the wind.”

Ryan shook his head fervently, eyes wide.

“That was not the wind and you know it, Shane.” There was no way that the sudden gust of air Ryan felt moving between him and Shane, and the chill that accompanied it, was wind. They were in an enclosed room, no windows, standing still. That - whatever it was - was not wind.

“The air is after you, Ryan,” Shane teased in a sing-song voice, smirking at Ryan from across the room. “Watch out!”

“It’s not the fucking air, Shane,” Ryan snapped, pulling his jacket tighter around himself to ward off the chill. It didn’t help.

“What else could it be, Ryan?” Shane sighed long-sufferingly. ““We’ve been through this. Air moves, wind happens. Science.”

“Shut up, Shane,” Ryan muttered, beginning to shiver at the intensity of the cold. “Do you feel that, too?”

“Feel what?” Shane asked, coming closer to Ryan before wincing at the sudden temperature drop. “Woah, what the fuck? Why’s it so cold over here?”

“I f-fucking told you, you m-moron,” Ryan stammered, shivering as the temperature continued to lower.

“It isn’t this cold over on the other side, come on, let’s go,” Shane murmured, taking Ryan by the arm and leading him across the room. But the temperature didn’t change. Shane stepped away from Ryan, heading towards a further corner, and frowned. “It’s warm over here.” He headed back towards Ryan and shivered. “What the fuck.”

Ryan’s head whipped up and the expression on his face was one of pure fear.

“W-Wait, you’re telling me this coldness only exists around me?” Ryan yelped, standing stock-still. “You can’t explain that, Shane. Y-You can’t. Fuck, fuck, this ghost is attached to me.”

“Calm down, Ry. We don’t know for sure that this is a ghost,” Shane said quietly, attempting to placate his best friend. “This house is old, it could just be funky heating.”

“Bullshit,” Ryan hissed, although his teeth were clacking so much due to the shivering that it was barely comprehensible. He was freezing.

Ryan was just about to call the whole thing quits when it happened.

It finally fucking happened.

The space in front of Ryan was dark and empty at first, and all of a sudden, there was an apparition. The pained figure of a middle-aged man, mid-scream. No sound came out, but his gaping expression was turned towards Ryan, his hands outstretched towards the shorter man.

Ryan screamed. There was really no other, better way to put it. Ryan nearly dropped everything in his panic, but he didn’t, and screamed.

And Shane was over at his side in two broad strides, shoving Ryan behind him in a heartbeat.

“Hey!” Shane shouted, keeping Ryan behind him as he confronted the spirit. “Fuck off! You’re scaring Ryan! Don’t worry Ry, I’ve got you,” he murmured gently to the other man, turning to look at him. “I won’t let him hurt you.”

Shane wasn’t concerned about the fact that they were both sharing some weird hallucination, or maybe there was the off-chance that ghosts were real. His main priority was keeping Ryan safe.

Shane fumbled around, reaching into Ryan’s pocket and brandishing the bottle of holy water with a flourish. In Ryan’s research, he’d said that the demon of the household often disguised itself as a wayward spirit. Shane had enough calm within him to recall this fact.

“I’ll use this, I’m not fucking afraid,” he shouted, holding the bottle confidently as he began to uncap it. 

The spirit-demon-hallucination thing darted around Shane, attempting to get at Ryan, whose eyes were squeezed shut and face pressed tight against his best friend’s back.

“GODDAMMIT,” Shane yelled spraying some holy water on the stupid thing.

It recoiled before disappearing, returning the room to a regular temperature. Shane felt Ryan ease against his back, the shivers beginning to lessen.

Shane turned around, hands immediately on Ryan’s shoulder as he searched his friend’s face for any injuries or shock.

“Are you okay, Ry?” he asked gently, eyes looking intently into Ryan’s.

Ryan nodded, shell-shocked, and threw himself into Shane’s arms, gripping him tight.

“You saved me, Shane,” he whispered, sounding near tears. “Holy fuck. Y-You didn’t laugh at me, you didn’t a-accuse that th-thing of being fake, you - you saved me.”

Shane carded his fingers through Ryan’s hair without a thought.

“Of course I did, Ry. You were scared, and I promised you that I’d never let anything hurt you. My first and only priority is to protect you. I’m not letting anything, spirit or not, hurt my boy.”

Ryan sniffled, peering up at Shane. Shane’s heart melted at the sweet sight of Ryan staring at him adoringly.

“Y-Your boy?” Ryan stammered, wiping his eyes of the shocked tears that had formed from the fright.

Shane smiled.

“Yeah. Nothing’s allowed to touch my boy.”

Ryan kissed Shane’s nose, smiling softly.

“You’re scary when you’re mad,” he observed, flattered and touched that Shane had even protected him from something he didn’t think was real.

“I’m only this protective over you,” Shane murmured, leaning in.

Ryan grinned before meeting him halfway.