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There is no defining moment when Jimin realizes that he might be in trouble again. There isn't even a distinct catalyst that set him back down the familiar, dangerous path, but it doesn't take too long for him to realize where things are heading. Jimin has always been good at rationalizing his own actions, but this at this point, he may have passed the point of sensible rationale.
That doesn't mean that he won't keep trying to.
No idol is a stranger to diet restriction, but Jimin even less so. Growing up in the world of contemporary dance has done enough harm to his physical state on its own, not to mention the strain of keeping up the perfect dancer's physique. He simply can't remember a time when eating was a mindless act to him.
This time, as he walks through the backstage corridors at their most recent venue, he thinks that he might be in over his head. Maybe it's the small turn-around time between their last promotion cycle and their current one, maybe it was the busy holiday season coming up, or maybe all external factors are irrelevant and his mind has finally given in to the temptation.
Whatever it is, Jimin doesn't really care all that much. He only cares about how he feels right in this moment--sneaking back to the dressing room after yet another performance to get a head start on removing all of his makeup instead of eating with the rest of his members--and how this particular action combined with this particular mood has been occurring a lot more often than usual. The loneliness caused by his deception reminds him of their debut days and earlier, but he shakes that thought right back out of his head.
As he runs a makeup wipe gently across his forehead, he almost startles at the door slamming open behind him. Through the mirror in front of him, he sees his friend Taehyung entering with a wide smile and a small styrofoam container in his hands.
"Chim!" he yells, much too loud for Jimin's liking. "I brought you some kimchi jjigae. I know it's not really that filling, but I didn't think you'd want anything else they ordered for us."
Jimin sighs and offers a small smile in return. "Thank you Tae, but I was being honest when I said I had a snack before we went on," he lies smoothly and continues removing his makeup, not even bothering to turn away from his reflection.
"Well yeah, but that was before. This is after," Taehyung quips without missing a beat. He must have known that Jimin would refuse. It seems to have become the norm, after all.
Normally, Jimin would get angry when others forced him to eat, but he finds himself incredibly partial to Taehyung even though Jimin knows deep down that he holds the same intentions as the rest of the group. It always puts him in an odd position to have to refuse his friend, but it needs to be done. A diet is a diet, and no amount of pushing from well-meaning "BFFs" can shake Jimin's resolve--not even after 6 months of the same repetitive dialogue.
When Jimin turns from the mirror to face the other, Taehyung seems to know what to expect and makes sure to speak before Jimin could turn away his offer. "Seriously Min, please just eat this. It's hardly more than one cup of food, okay? We don't have any public appearances for three weeks now, so you can afford to have this."
Jimin's determination falters, not because of Taehyung's heartfelt expression of concern (which has been very common recently), but because he is right about their lack of upcoming appearances. In three weeks out of the public eye, he will have more time to work out so he can lose even more weight, so maybe it would be worth a taste. Taehyung easily senses his quickly crumbling willpower, and his grin grows as he moves forward while waving the open container enticingly.
Jimin's smile becomes a little more genuine, and he reaches out for the container. He's pleased that Taehyung didn't bring any rice with it because he's not sure he would be emotionally able to stomach anything more than this, but Taehyung clearly knows the drill by now.
Happily, Taehyung hands it over with a set of disposable chopsticks and a spoon and then gets to work removing his own makeup. "The others probably won't be back for a bit; apparently they were about to bring out some kind of celebratory dessert," he comments, completely focused on the task of scrubbing off his eyeliner and not noticing the way that Jimin deflates a bit.
"You could go back and eat some too. I'll be fine in here," Jimin insists, wishing he could be capable of partaking. Meal-times are difficult, and he doesn't want Taehyung to miss out on the fun too just because he's busy catering to Jimin's picky needs.
Taehyung doesn't seem fazed when he replies. "I'm holding out for the chocolate ice cream in the freezer back home."
Jimin smiles softly, sitting on the counter and starting to eat his stew slowly. He tries very hard not to wince at the feeling of the food going down his throat every time he swallows, but it's almost like he can feel when it drops into his empty stomach and that makes him feel a bit sick.
Once again, Taehyung saves the moment by distracting Jimin with his mindless chatter about something silly Jungkook had done during their meal. He knows to keep conversation lighthearted and uncontroversial while also avoiding anything too playful lest Jimin spend more time responding or teasing than eating.
After only 20 minutes, Jimin is able to sip down the last bit of broth just before the others begin filtering in, laughing and jesting with one another as they all change into their street clothes. It's only at this time that Jimin really does begin feeling ill; aside from the guilt of ruining his diet, something clearly hasn't settled right. It's not long after that he ends up slipping out to the bathroom in the hall and gagging over the toilet in the farthest stall from the door.
If he's being honest with himself, he more surprised than disappointed at his body's physical inability to hold down a single cup of kimchi jjigae. He tries not to think about it any more than to remind himself not to upset Taehyung with news of what happened to the meal he so lovingly brought him.
Jimin finds that it's harder to avoid worrying his members and managers once the promotional period of Blood Sweat & Tears comes to a close. He tells them that he's working to keep his weight down for their end-of-the-year stages, but they seem to be much more disapproving this time around. He knows it's because he's kept the same restrictive diet without break since before the release of their Young Forever album, but he has always found a tangible reason to keep going.
Perhaps the gazes shifting from pitying to disappointed is why allows it to happen once. He allows himself to join a couple of the others at their kitchen table after dance practice for lunch before they go their separate ways for more independent rehearsals. Jin is the last to leave the table, leaving Jimin sitting there in the dorm by himself. He tries very hard not to panic when he sees his empty plate, but now that he's away from the glowing eyes of approval, he can't bring himself to believe that this had been a good choice at all.
Jimin realizes when he is shakily making his way to their private bathroom that his entire constitution is based on dishonesty--even with himself. It's entirely dependent on the momentum of the past few months that he has just interrupted. How he has the capacity to be thinking anything other than his current actions isn't something he considers however, as he kneels down and sticks a finger down his throat.
While it's not something he'd done in years, it seems the movement is like riding a bicycle. His fingers know exactly where to target to have him choking before he could have time to regret it. As expected, the regret does come, just not in time.
"Fuck," he whispers with a shaky voice, falling back to sit on his feet. 'This is ridiculous,' he thinks helplessly. His eyes shift around the room--the toilet, his hands, the sink, the door, anything to reach out to and use to ground himself or somehow fix this mess. He only gives himself 10 seconds to freak out before he resolves to deal with this on his own. 'It's not that bad; it's just this one time' he justifies. His hands still tremble and his breath still comes out in shallow pants, but he's reaching for the toilet paper, cleaning off his soiled fingers and tossing the used tissue into the toilet.
His biggest mistake is glancing down into the porcelain basin; seeing the mess he's made up close sends him over the edge.
"Oh God," Jimin whimpers when the gravity of the situation hits him full force. 'This- this is not okay. This is dangerous.' "Fuck!"
Suddenly he simply doesn't know what to do. He's frozen kneeling on the cold tile floor with his eyes blown wide and mouth hung open taking in desperate gasps. Before he even has a chance to think about it, he has his phone up to his ear waiting for his best friend to pick up.
"Hey Chim Chim! I hope you guys saved me lunch because I'm on my way home now and I'll b-" he freezes as soon as he notices the irregular breathing on the other end of the line. "Is everything okay?"
'Of course he noticed' Jimin thinks wistfully. 'He notices everything.'
Jimin shakes his head before remembering that he has to use his words. "No Tae, I- I fucked up real bad. Oh God, I don't know what to do." All of a sudden, he feels the overwhelming urge to cry--something he does so rarely that he could probably count the number of times he's done so on his own account in front of Taehyung on one hand. He bites his lip so hard it might bleed as he waits impatiently for Taehyung's reply.
After what feels like a century, Taehyung speaks again, lowering his voice presumably to avoid his driver overhearing. "Are you at home?"
"Yes," Jimin replies, nodding his head and nibbling on his fingernails instead.
"Okay, I'll be there in 2 minutes. Are you breathing?"
Jimin wants to smack him because 'of course I'm breathing' until he notices his own dangerously accelerated breaths. "Okay," is all Jimin has the presence of mind to reply while he works on controlling his hyperventilation.
Taehyung says something else, but it goes in one ear and out the other. Jimin closes his eyes and rests his forehead on the cold porcelain toilet seat, not allowing himself a even a single moment to consider the last time it's been cleaned.
"Chim, did you hear me?" Jimin hums in response, but Taehyung knows better. "I said that the car's pulling in now. I'm about to come up, alright?"
He's speaking slowly as if he's talking to a child, and Jimin would normally chide him for acting this way but he can't deny its necessity at the moment with how overloaded his brain feels.
"Tae. I really screwed up," Jimin squeaks out after a long pause in an attempt to warn Taehyung before he sees him, but he's unable to find any words other than those.
"That's alright. Whatever it is, you've gotten me out of deeper shit; I guarantee it," he jokes with a humourless laugh. "Hang in there, elevator's just moving so damn slow."
"Yeah." Jimin lifts his head from the edge of the toilet to run his free hand through his hair in a vain attempt to make himself just a bit more presentable. He wants to stand up and dust off his clothes, but his head is spinning too fast and he doesn't care enough to wonder if it's due to his anxiety or the lack of food in his system. "I don't feel good."
Taehyung doesn't respond, but Jimin isn't given a minute to be upset before the sound of the front door's lock is heard. Jimin hangs up, suddenly panicking more.
"Jiminie?" Taehyung calls from the entrance to the apartment. Jimin keeps quiet, closing the toilet lid as gently as possible and slinking against the wall. He listens to Taehyung check the kitchen and living room and then his bedroom before he finally knocks on the bathroom door.
"It's not locked."
The door creaks slightly when it opens, and Jimin covers his eyes with one hand to avoid making eye contact out of his shame.
Without pretense, Taehyung simply asks "what happened?" He doesn't spare a glance at the rest of the room, only slides over to squat by his friend.
Jimin is torn between pulling Taehyung close or hiding behind his arm forever. Now that his friend is here, he has no idea how to articulate what has just occurred. With the hand that isn't currently shielding his face, he reaches out blindly to grasp at Taehyung's shirt. "I need help, TaeTae."
"What can I do?" Taehyung replies calmly, and Jimin wonders how he is capable of reacting so coolly when it feels like Jimin's carefully constructed facade has just been demolished under their feet.
Jimin can only shake his head and mumble out a quiet "I don't know," before the tears start.
He vaguely registers Taehyung's sigh and then the sound of shuffling before he's mimicking Jimin's position against the wall pressed up against his side. "Can you tell me what you're worried about?" After another moment of silence with nothing but Jimin's shuddering breaths between them, Taehyung feels the need to continue. "You know I'm not going to judge you, right?"
Jimin nods pitifully. He's not so much worried about Taehyung getting angry as much as he's worried Taehyung will be confused at his poor decision and not be willing to understand. "I- I swear I didn't mean to," he persists in his attempts to soften the blow, and Taehyung's muted "I know" doesn't go unnoticed. "I'm in so much trouble, shit..."
"Chim, it'll be fine. I promise we'll fix it." Taehyung struggles because he doesn't want to come off as if he's minimizing his friend's problems, but he needs Jimin to understand that anything can be worked out between the two of them. "I just need you to be honest with me." He's more frightened than he's ever been in his life, but Jimin doesn't need to know that.
Jimin removes his hand from his eyes and leans his head over onto Taehyung's shoulder, wringing his hands together in his lap. "I- Well, so... I ate lunch today, right?" He takes a second to exhale once he realizes that his chest is much too full of air from his jagged breaths. "And then I threw it up."
Taehyung turns slightly so that he can get a better look at the smaller man. "That's okay," he says, sounding almost relieved. He knows that he's not talking about a stomach bug or food poisoning and Taehyung isn't happy that his best friend has to struggle so much, but the fact that he called Taehyung means that he recognizes his habits as a problem now. "That's not hard to fix. You haven't been eating enough, have you? That's expec-"
"No, no, no," Jimin interrupts harshly. "No, Tae. No, I did it on purpose."
"Oh."
"But... I didn't mean to..."
"I- I know..." Taehyung shouldn't be surprised, but he is. He's seen the way Jimin tortures himself when it comes to dieting; he should have known it was indicative of something much more serious. "Is this the first time you've... you know?"
Jimin sags against him, and both of them are unsure how to take the situation at hand. "Not... the first time ever, but..."
When it's obvious Jimin doesn't plan on completing that thought, Taehyung picks it up. "That's... Well, that's okay, too."
"Really?" Jimin asks, lifting his head to look Taehyung in the eyes for the first time.
Gaining momentum, Taehyung agrees immediately. "Of course it is!" He cups Jimin's face in his big hands, trying not to be put off by the clammy skin and damp tear tracks. "You can't even begin to comprehend how proud I am of you for calling me. You've proven that you're so strong, and I know it probably doesn't feel like that right now... But you're asking for help, and that's the first step, right?" When Jimin doesn't answer but to keep staring, Taehyung raises his eyebrows. "Right?" He wants to hear Jimin admit in words that he's doing something good for himself.
"Yeah..." Jimin still looks so drained that Taehyung can't bring himself to voice all of the ideas that come rushing into his head.
"Good," Taehyung smiles softly. "Seems our positions have switched, huh?" He asks humourlessly. Jimin glances down at himself when Taehyung releases his hold on his face and is instantly overcome with embarrassment. "Why don't you lie down Jiminie? We can talk about this tonight."
Jimin seems to shrink in on himself even more. "I- I can't. I'm supposed to go practice with Hobi-hyung, but I feel all dirty, like I need an hour-long shower and a whole bottle of mouthwash. And it's the middle of the day- if I sleep now, I won't sleep tonight, and then-" he rants before getting cut off.
"Chim Chim, those are silly excuses and you know it. I'll call hyung and tell him you're feeling sick. You can rest in my bed instead if you're worried about being dirty and then just take a shower afterwards. Namjoon won't be home until late anyway, so you'll have plenty of time. And if you end up awake at night, we'll just binge-watch One Piece, so that's nothing to worry about either."
Jimin wants to refute those claims, but he really is exhausted and he's not sure how much longer he can stay upright with the way his whole world seems to be spinning.
"I won't tell anybody until we've had a chance to talk, alright? You don't have to worry about anything," Taehyung assures him as an added measure.
'Well if that's the case...'
Jimin nods, reaching for Taehyung's forearms so the taller can pull him into a standing position while he gets up himself. He sways once he's on his feet, and the effortless ease with which Taehyung holds him steady shouldn't unsettle him as much as it does. Perhaps Taehyung's been working out more, or maybe Jimin is just that light. He doesn't protest when he's lead out of the bathroom and into his friend's bedroom. Jimin settles himself to be laying on his side on the mattress, sighing tiredly the moment his head hits the pillow.
He knows he probably won't be able to sleep and he may not even be able to turn off his brain to relax, but a moment of quiet to collect his thoughts is welcomed at the very least.
Taehyung leaves the room to remove any evidence of Jimin's episode of panic before calling Hoseok to explain Jimin's absence at the studio. The older sounds slightly annoyed but understands that if Taehyung is calling of Jimin's behalf, the dancer probably didn't have much of a say in the matter. Taehyung's controlling side doesn't come out often (and never without good reason) so Hoseok accepts the situation and doesn't push it any further.
Once everything else is settled, Taehyung sinks onto the sofa in the living room. He doesn't turn on the television, concerned that the noise might keep Jimin awake. He's not quite sure what to do next... As much as he wants to help his friend, he feels like he might be in over his head. Of course everyone was concerned with their member's drastic weight loss in such a short amount of time, but they had all been convinced that Jimin knew what he was doing (not that they approved of it). Obsessive dieting is one problem on its own, but this... This is an eating disorder, plain and simple. It isn't a restriction; it's starvation.
Taehyung wants to cry, wants to apologize for not trying harder to keep Jimin from sinking under, but he's not sure what he could have done to prevent this outcome. From Jimin's earlier words, it seems as though this has been an issue before, and the way that he broke down at the thought of it happening again says enough about how difficult or painful his prior experience with it must have been. Taehyung's heart aches and wishes there is more he could do. The thought worries him to the core, wondering if that 'prior experience' was also during their time as BTS. He feels sick at the mere idea that something like this could have been happening right under his nose without him noticing.
He thinks his only option may be to refer Jimin to a specialist... He knows a hospital is likely unnecessary, because as weak-bodied as Jimin has become, the fact that he recognized the signs of relapse enough to reach out proves his willingness to work on it. Until he has a chance to speak with Jimin, he can't know the severity of what's going on in his mind, and he can't break his promise no matter how much he wants to call Namjoon or Bang PD for help.
He resigns himself to independent Internet research until his friend is finished resting.
Jimin shuts down the idea of a therapist no less than 5 times during their conversation.
"What if they break the patient confidentiality rule?"
"You know I can't talk to people I don't know well."
"I get that it's serious, but it's not that serious."
"They've never really helped me in the past."
And the biggest offender:
"I already know everything they're going to tell me!" Jimin gets a lot more serious at this one. "Seriously Tae, I know what I'm doing is stupid- I've heard it all before. 'You know what happens when your body starves itself?' in that nasty condescending tone as if I don't fucking know this isn't the smartest solution, especially for someone who does as much as I do in a day. And now it's going to be even worse, I can just imagine them ripping me a new one on vomiting affecting vocal quality and all that shit. I'm not- I'm not dumb, okay? Even if I act like it sometimes, it doesn't mean I don't know these things already and beat myself up over it constantly."
Taehyung looks sad, and Jimin regrets his angry rant. The taller scoots closer from his spot on the foot of the bed up the side to sit with his thigh pressed against Jimin's. "I don't think you're dumb, Chim," he sighs. "I'm sorry for making the suggestion, but maybe whoever you used to see was just a... bad doctor. We could always ask Yoongi-hyung for advice- you know he sees somebody sometimes. If you just talk to him a-"
"It's different," Jimin snaps. "That's not the same thing." They may still have the dorm to themselves, but he doesn't want to raise his voice either way.
"Well yeah, maybe isn't not the same problem or the same treatment plan, but I think that confronting your fears in that way has got to be similar." Jimin rolls his eyes but doesn't respond. "Jimin, I'm not saying you have to, I was just giving you another option."
Jimin melts at Taehyung's honest words. "It's not that... Really, I just- It's been a struggle my whole life, Tae. The first time was the worst- my parents made me talk to a specialist every single day and the things he said... It just... It made me not want to be honest with him or with myself because he would just scold me for slipping and..." Taehyung didn't need to be told how poorly Jimin responded to negative feedback. "And this time I really am sick of this and I really want to be done, and I don't see that happening in that kind of environment. I know myself and I know the way my mind works- I'll just tell myself that talking to a professional is enough and that my actions don't have to reflect my words because it looks like I'm trying on the outside."
"I trust you, I really do," Taehyung nods. "If you say that it's not the way to go, then you shouldn't do it. But... from friend to friend, I just want you to consider it. Every experience is different, and you know the company wouldn't hire anyone but the best for you."
Jimin wants to shut it back down, but he doesn't for the sake of moving on. At his silence, Taehyung nods slowly.
"Can I... Would it be too far if I asked when all that happened?" Taehyung inquires nervously.
Jimin smiles sadly. "Don't worry, we hadn't met yet. It was back in middle school when I started getting serious about dance. I'd mostly gotten over that phase on my own by the time I was accepted into Big Hit."
"But it didn't just go away, did it?"
"Um..." Jimin's reluctance to answer has Taehyung backtracking.
"You really don't have to say anything to me if you're not comfortable with it... I just thought that maybe if I had the whole picture, I might be able to think of better ideas..."
"No, it's... not that I don't want to tell you, it's that I've never actually talked about it. It hasn't really been something that I thought I'd have to once I passed that point, but... no, it never really did go away."
Taehyung nods. He is quite familiar with Jimin's self-reliant personality; he hardly ever comes to Taehyung with his own problems. "It's harder during comebacks, isn't it?" Taehyung asks, and Jimin nods but he doesn't need the confirmation to know it's true. Jimin's always snippier during those periods, and while it's never significant enough for anyone to truly notice anything out of the ordinary, this new information causes Taehyung to start looking into all those little actions now. They're times of great pressure for everyone, but Taehyung realizes that they might be a bit harder with the added burdens of whatever it is that goes on in Jimin's head concerning his appearance. "You know the fans don't really care about all of that stuff, right?"
"Of course," Jimin says exasperatedly and crosses his arms. "It's not because of the fans, Tae- it's never been because of the fans. It's this... this stupid part of my brain that keeps telling me that if I don't meet my own expectations that I'm going to be the odd one out in the group. Like, the rest of my performance won't mean shit if I don't look the part."
"Chim, come on. That's not stupid, and I wish you would stop using that word against yourself." Taehyung acknowledges that he sounds desperate right now, but he simply can't stand listening to another self-deprecating word leave his best friend's mouth.
"Fine," Jimin continues. "But for whatever reason, I don't really have an issue taking it easy after promotions end. Except... this time. I really don't know what's different. I'd made a promise with myself when I was struggling at debut that I would only use these diets as short-term solutions because I didn't want to worry anyone like I would back home. I don't know why I couldn't keep that promise this time, I really don't know. Christ, I haven't even... thrown up that way in what? 5 years? I guess it just scared me. I'm really sorry for making this as big a deal as I am."
Taehyung slings his arm over his friend's shoulder and ruffles his hair softly. "You never need to apologize. You have every right to those feelings, and I couldn't be happier that you called. Do you think it would help if we asked Bang PD to hire you a nutritionist for comeback preparations?"
Jimin cocks his head to the side and glances up to his side to see Taehyung's expression. "Like... somebody who tells me what to eat and when to eat it? That sounds like a nightmare..."
"I guess. I just think it wouldn't hurt. Maybe you can talk to them about your current situation and I could make sure they don't try to push you too hard. I mean, it's their job to decide what's best for each individual person, and I can't imagine any professional's ideal diet plan for you being more than you can handle." Jimin's silence indicates his consideration of the suggestion, for which Taehyung is thankful. "And even if it is, you could just fire them," he jokes, causing Jimin to snort and pinch his side. "Yah! I'm serious. You're still in charge of your life."
"I am," Jimin agrees, though he doesn't sound entirely convinced. "I think I wouldn't... hate... the idea of possibly trying that. Maybe."
"And I know that's your way of saying yes, so I'm going to give you a big hug and you're going to suck it up and enjoy being suffocated by my love."
Jimin's doesn't complain--doesn't even want to complain--and he's especially thankful when Taehyung doesn't say anything about the way he sniffles with shuddering breaths into the taller man's shoulder.
Two days before the group is to begin shooting for their DNA music video, Jimin arrives back at the dorm only to find it empty. An alarm on his phone rings, and he pulls it out, groaning when he realizes it's already 12:30 in the afternoon. The words "Lunch Time!" are flashing on the screen, so Jimin reluctantly dismisses the alarm and makes his way to the kitchen fridge. Pulling out his pre-packaged meal and heating it up in the microwave, he thinks that this is one of those days when he has to try a little harder to complete this simple task.
He calls Taehyung while he waits impatiently for the microwave to finish.
"Hi Chim! How was 'you-know-what'?" is how Taehyung answers his phone.
He knows by the way that he doesn't say 'therapy' that he's around at least one of the other members and is respecting Jimin's privacy. He smiles as he rummages around in the drawers for a clean pair of chopsticks with phone perched between his ear and shoulder. "Fine," he replies absentmindedly. "It was- fine. Just about to have lunch."
"What's on the menu today?" he asks conversationally even though he knows exactly why Jimin called.
"It's just... chicken breast and broccoli. It looks like a lot." He's watching his food spin in the microwave as he speaks, trying to keep his nerves down. It would be so easy to throw this away without anyone noticing his missed meal, but...
"I believe in you!" Taehyung shouts down the line, making Jimin blush. "Snapchat me a picture of it- I want to pretend I'm there too. Namjoon-hyung is going to order me takeout. What should I ask for? I'm having a hard time thinking of something expensive so that I can make the most of this meal at the expense of his wallet."
Jimin laughed, his spirits lifted even as he sits at the table with his lunch and a bottle of water. "You're evil, Tae. I can't believe you would take advantage of your own leader like that."
"You say that as if you didn't pretend to be asleep in the car last week so someone would have to carry you inside."
Jimin is scandalized at the accusation, and makes his indignation known to the other. He can't even tell at this point if Taehyung is making an active effort to distract Jimin from his anxieties or not, but he appreciates it either way. These small battles are always easier to fight with his friend's steadfast presence.