Chapter Text
The slight wind made Robert pull his jacket closer around him but the quietness of the village only pushed Robert on. There is a weird calmness that surrounds the cemetery; maybe it the absence of judgment which comes from the dead which gave him the confidence to talk so openly. The route to his mother’s grave is well practiced, especially over the past few weeks despite not being able to say much to her, but today is different. As he knelt down Robert felt the dampness of the ground seep through his trousers which only added to the uncomfortable nature of what he was going to do.
“Hi Mum,” Robert lightly touched his hand to his mother’s grave stone as his emotions threatened to overcome him.
“I just needed to talk. I don’t really have anyone else and I know that it’s my own fault but I just really need someone and I know you won’t judge me, well more like can’t judge me,” Robert let out a light laugh at this. The only person he feels like he can talk to is his mother who has been dead for over fifteen years.
“I know Vic is here and Diane but they’re never going to hear the full story; they will interrupt and make accusations, which I can’t blame them for that but they don’t understand how hard I’ve found everything. They just think I’m making excuses or trying to shift the blame or try to make me look like more of the bad guy because I don’t care about the same things they do; it’s like the way I feel is irrelevant. I don’t want to make excuses anymore. Everything I’ve done and everything that has happened has been through my own doing, maybe spurned on by others but still it was my decision. I know why I do it, when people hurt me I feel this need to hurt then back, to punish them for it. I need to stop though mum, I take it too far and now there is no going back for me.”
Robert reached into his inside jacket pocket retrieving a letter and the small box.
“This is for you. I didn’t want to forget anything so I wrote it all down. I just needed someone to know everything; no excuses or hiding, just how I feel. I just hope you can understand and not hate me, I can’t have you hate me as well.”
Robert looked down to the box in his hand, turning it over and smoothing his thumb across the top.
“I need you to look after this mum. I need to be better but I can’t do that around here, around him.” Robert’s voice broke and he took a stuttered breath before continuing.
“I know it’s selfish and I want nothing more than for him to be happy but I can’t stand around and watch him be happy with someone else; it’ll kill me mum. He has made it perfectly clear there is no going back for us and I can’t blame him for that after everything I’ve done so I need to accept that, for him, he deserves that.” Robert pauses as the weight of his decision set in.
“He’s happy mum, and he looks so much better. I just need to leave him alone and let him get that perfect life that he deserves even though I know it’s going to be without me; it has to be without me. But I can’t get rid of these, they’re too special, but holding on to them is just a reminder of what I’ve lost and I’ve got enough memories I don’t need anything physical as well. I love him mum, I’ll never stop but being around him knowing we’re not together and never will be just hurts too much. So I’m going to go and leave him to be happy. Who knows maybe I could be happy away from here, maybe be in a new relationship. I can’t imagine being in love with someone as much as him, I don’t think it’s possible, but what else can I do.”
Trying and failing to contain a sob Robert places both the letter and the box in his lap before starting to dig a small hole in front of the stone. Taking out a small bag from his pocket Robert places both the letter and box inside then seals it.
“I know it seems a bit stupid and they won’t be protected for long but it gives me a little more time, maybe even until I go. They’re yours now mum, I know they will be safe with you.”
After putting the bag into the hole and filling it in Robert stands, placing his hand on the cold stone.
“Thank you mum, for everything, I love you” and with that Robert turned around and began his slow walk back to Keepers Cottage.
What Robert didn’t realise was the shadow watching him in the bushes.