Chapter Text
Jimin locked himself in bathroom as soon as they got home from the concert ignoring everyone who tried to talk to him. The amount of rage and humiliation that he felt has never felt so strong, he was so disappointed in himself and in Namjoon for doing what he did. Of course Namjoon isn’t the one to blame, even if he wishes it was, it was all Jimin’s fault. Namjoon didn’t know his stomach was littered in scars and fresh cuts from just days before the concert, no one knew.
He pulled out his phone and searched through the trending topics, as he assumed, headlines were already covered with the shocking news. Pictures scattered on the internet, everywhere he went, people asking for the sources trying to pretend it’s all just some good photoshop only to be shut down with the different angles and clear videos. The high quality photos were the worse, you could see the agitated skin surrounding the cuts, the redness, it made Jimin sick to his stomach. The fact that so many people saw such a vulnerable side to him and people still thought it was okay to repost and show people the ugly photos.
The moment Jimin felt Namjoon’s wrap around him on stage dangerously close to the end of the shirt he knew his secret was going to escape. The moment the air hit his exposed stomach, he knew the news would be everywhere. He tried acting like nothing was there, laugh it off as if no one saw what he wished would disappear. The remains of his self hatred and risky coping method, but alas there was nothing to do now, his secret was out. Everyone knew.
“How could he be so insensitive about his own fans, cutting himself, for what? Not winning one of the many awards they happened to lose by ONE point, how pathetic”
“Teaching fans to cut themselves… he should be ashamed, stop being an idol…”
“As if he thought they didn’t already have enough attention to their group… Just a group made to gain attention and pity, they should be ashamed”
Jimin read one after another, netizens disregarding his hard work just because of the self hate. Maybe he is selfish… Maybe he should just quit Bangtan, they would be better without him… what group would want a self harming freak who just thinks about the little shitty things in his life and slices his skin open to express his emotions. So many people have it worse than he does, he felt so selfish for feeling so sad about his life, frustrated about the thoughts of wanting to die, the hopes to be in a freak accident that will end his life. He’s so selfish…
Jimin let out a scream before smashing his phone on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. How could he have let this get by him, how could he be so carefree, he should’ve been more careful… no, he should’ve killed himself long before this happened, long before the secrets built up, the lies, everything. He should’ve ended it, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t end it… That’s why he did what he did. That’s why instead of getting help he hid it, hid it from everyone, he couldn’t burden them with more, but it’s just came full circle. More than ever, now he burdened all his fans, he showed how pathetic he was to whoever was watching, he disappointed so many.
Jimin sat on the floor staring at his broken phone, he couldn’t even cry. He wanted to, he really did, he would rather cry then have that itching feeling to cut, to bruise, to pick and pull… He couldn’t cry, he felt so numb, so emotionless. He pulled his knees to his chest and closed his eyes, willing the images of cutting out of his mind, he couldn’t stop thinking the alarming red colour that came with the sting. “Stop… stop go away…” he muttered trying to imagine the things he liked, pictures that he loved, people he loved, but only the one source of happiness he had popped up for a split second before the images of his dangerous coping methods took over his consciousness. He realized his happiness didn’t look at him since the concert was over, not even a text.
“Jimin?” Oh, Namjoon, just the person he wants to see. Jimin stayed quiet and waited for the footprints to fade out, they never did, but he sat at the otherside of the door. “You know, you’re going to have to face us sooner or later,” Jimin closed his mouth, refraining from uttering a word. “I’m going to stay here until you come out…” Namjoon said stubbornly.
After minutes of silence Jimin couldn’t hold back anymore, “Fuck off Namjoon! This is all your fault!” No it wasn’t.
He heard Namjoon sigh, “I was expecting that. Dinner is on the table if you want it, Yoongi hasn’t come out of his room, thought you should know. I’ll leave now,”
Jimin waited ten minutes before exiting the bathroom with his cracked phone in his hands. As soon as the door opened he saw Seokjin, Namjoon and Jungkook divert their attention to him. He ducked his head and ran to his room, luckily Hoseok was at the studio so he was left in his empty room. He sat down on his bed and looked at his phone, he completely smashed it, the screen wasn’t even turning on anymore. He rubbed his hand over his face before taking his clothes off, changing into his pyjamas. Not forgetting to look at the cuts, there were so many fresh ones, of course Namjoon had to do this after his intense mental breakdown a few days earlier, the deep cuts made Jimin sick knowing how many people saw them.
He heard a knock on the door, “What,” he asked not having any energy to get up and opening the door. Seokjin walked in timidly with a tray of food with a small smile, pity, he left it on a dresser before walking out wordlessly. Jimin rolled his eyes and ignored the smell of the food, and climbed under his covers, his appetite long gone.
Half an hour passed and Jimin was staring blankly at Jungkook’s bed, he couldn’t sleep but he had no motivation to do anything else and his phone was busted. He heard a knock on his door and croaked out yet another what, “Jimin, it’s me,” Yoongi. Jimin couldn’t face him now, he would be so disappointed in him. “I’m coming in, okay?” Yoongi warned as his hand fiddles with the doorknob. As he heard no response he opened the door slowly popping his head in the room. Jimin looked over at Yoongi and held his breath feeling his anxiety rise as the closer he moves towards the bed. When Yoongi day on the bed Jimin moved a bit further from, Yoongi frowned, “What happened to your phone?”
Jimin looked up and saw Yoongi inspecting the broken phone trying not to get a piece of glass stuck in his finger, “Smashed it,” he whispered.
“I’ll get you a new one,”
“Don’t pity me,”
“I’m not… In case you forgot I’m your boyfriend,” Yoongi said with his furrowed eyebrows. Jimin whimpered at the hard look he was given, when Yoongi noticed that he stopped and softened his expression.
“I’m sorry…” Jimin stuttered.
“Don’t apologize Jimin,” Yoongi ran his fingers over Jimin’s cheek softly.
“I’m such a bah-bad boyfriend… I- you’re probably so disappointed,” he hid his face, why does his tears come when he wishes they wouldn’t.
Yoongi bit the inside of his cheek, “Move over a bit, babe,” Jimin did as asked. “You know, you’re right, I am disappointed,” Yoongi paused causing Jimin to let out a small sob, he knew it, “shh, babe, not because of what you’re doing to yourself, but because I didn’t realize the way you were struggling. I’m disappointed in myself, Jimin, you needed me but I wasn’t there to give you the support you needed,”
Jimin shook his head, “No, you- you’re lying, you’re just saying that it’s not true. Don’t lie to me Yoongi, I know how dumb it is… I read what they said, they’re all right I’m so duh-dumb. I don’t deserve to b-be in this group,”
Yoongi shushed him knowing whatever he was going to say was going to be shot down. He got up from the bed making Jimin look up at him sadly through wet lashes, “It’s okay, I’m not leaving,” He reassured. He lifted the blanket up and moved close to Jimin so his face was buried in Yoongi’s chest. Yoongi pulled the boy more in his embrace by his hips making sure to be careful not to irritate the cuts that he are now well aware of. Jimin clutched onto Yoongi’s shirt and just sobbed, he let all his tears he’s been declined of shedding for the past months. He cried and cried for an hour straight mumbling about how much he hated himself. Yoongi just held him, tighter and tighter, running his hand soothingly up and down the boy’s back saying nothing in return of his sad words but little kisses to the top of the crown of his head. Jimin eventually cried himself to sleep, tiring himself out to the point of exhaustion.
Yoongi slowly got out of the bed, careful not to wake the sleeping boy who had puffy eyes, red nose and tear tracks all down his cheeks. Yoongi sighed sadly wiping the tears away with his thumb before looking at his chest which had a patch of wetness. He walked out of the room quietly turning off the light and grabbing the destroyed phone. Once he got to the living room he sat on the couch next to Namjoon, “Is he okay?” Namjoon asked with guilt clear in his eyes.
“No, he’s not, neither is his phone,” he tossed it on Namjoon’s lap, “It was really uncool of you to do that, you know? Not even the fact that his body was covered in cuts and scars because how were you supposed to know? But the fact you know how insecure about his weight, why would you think pulling up his damn shirt in front of anyone is funny? He hates his body, you know that Namjoon, as a leader I would hope you think before doing unnecessary actions. This is everywhere on the news, this is not good publicity, Bang Shihyuk is beyond pissed as he texted me so. Get your mind straight Namjoon, I expected way more of you. We have to cancel the next few days to talk about what we’re going to do now. Jimin is beyond broken up about this, he’s going to feel ten times more guilty which he doesn’t deserve especially in his state of mind,” Yoongi stood up, “See you tomorrow,” Yoongi turned to Seokjin, “I’m sleeping in Jimin’s bed tonight just so you know,”
~
Jimin tossed and turned scrunching his face causing his nose to wrinkle, Yoongi thought it was adorable. “Do you need ibuprofen?” Yoongi asked seeing the boy’s distressed morning face. Jimin nodded holding his head because of the throbbing pain in his head from crying all night. Yoongi came back with two pills and a glass of water, “Sit up,” he motioned, Jimin obeyed opening his hand for the two pills before taking the glass of water.
Once he woke up fully he looked at the older boy who sat next to him and remembered all that happened last night, “I’m sorry for last night,” Yoongi shook his head telling him not to apologize. “Wait what time is it?”
Yoongi opened his phone, “13:30,”
“What?!” Jimin bolted out of the bed and searched for some clothes to wear. Yoongi got up after him and wrapped his arms around the younger, he froze and put the clothes down, “they cancelled it, didn’t they?” Jimin’s eyes welled up with tears feeling so overwhelmed. He knew he was going to have to talk to everyone about what’s happening but he really didn’t want to, they needed to make a statement. He didn’t know what was going to happen, he was so afraid. Yoongi nodded confirming the boys speculations, Jimin slowly sat back down and crawled under the covers staring blankly at Jungkook’s empty bed once again.
“I’ll go get you something to eat, okay?” Jimin shrugged half heartedly.
“How is he today?” Jungkook asked with concern in his eyes.
Yoongi shrugged, “The same, but with a huge headache from crying last night,” he said trying to get the point across, he knew Namjoon was listening. The whole dorm was quiet, no one really knew what to say to each other if it wasn’t about Jimin. After Yoongi was done making breakfast he walked in with the tray and sat next to Jimin who was still under the covers with a blank stare. “Here have something to eat,” Yoongi ushered. Jimin looked up and shrugged. Yoongi stayed quiet for a bit hoping he would give in sooner or later and eat but he never did, “Please don't tell me you’re starving yourself too Jimin,” his voice breaking slightly.
“No, God, no I’m not I’m just sad and don’t want to eat anything now, I’m not even hungry just- just let it be,” he said turning his back to Yoongi.
Yoongi sighed and put the tray of food on the dresser which already contained last nights food, “okay, I’ll leave the food right here. We have to go to the company in a few hours, so be prepared for then please,” Yoongi rubbed Jimin’s shoulder before leaving the boy’s room.
A few hours went by and they had to go to their meeting, Yoongi made his way to Jimin’s room where Hoseok was digging through his drawer quietly to find some clothes, “Hey, Jimin, time to get dressed,” he shook his shoulder lightly as he assumed he was asleep again. Jimin rolled over opening his eyes and frowned. Yoongi reached into his pocket pulling out a new phone, “I got you your new phone, I put your old SIM card in it,” Jimin took it from him thanking him with a small, broken smile.
Hoseok has left the room leaving just the two alone, “Come on, I’ll help you get dressed,” Yoongi suggested pulling up the covers enough for Jimin to curl into himself feeling cold and exposed. Yoongi kisses his cheek and stood up leaving room for him to get out of the bed. Jimin sat with his feet out of bed as Yoongi rummaged through his drawers to find something for him to wear.
He got out underwear, black jeans and a light purple hoodie and threw it on the bed next to Jimin. The sad boy looked at it and sighed realizing he had to physically get up and change into the clothes which is the last thing he wanted to do. Yoongi must’ve seen the look and distress on his face and sat down on the bed next to the boy nudging him to stand up. “What are you doing?” Jimin muttered feeling a bit uncomfortable which the situation.
“Helping you get changed. Lift your arms up, babe,” Jimin hesitated, “I won’t judge you or your stomach Jimin, I’ve already seen it, I know what to expect,” he swallowed hard before raising his arms over his head letting Yoongi pull the shirt over his head. Yoongi tried not letting his eyes linger on the angry marks on his stomach, he reached for the purple sweater and pulled it over his head holding the arms up so he can easily put them through. Yoongi sighed moving his hands to the waistband of his pyjama pants and tugged them down leaving him in boxer briefs. Jimin blushed unwillingly at Yoongi’s gaze, he started pulling down the boxers before Jimin reached down to stop his hand. “What is it? It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” Yoongi smiled softly,
“There’s uh marks down there too… on my thighs,” Jimin said nervously. Yoongi nodded almost expecting him to say that. They’ve never had sex but they’ve done sexual acts, blow jobs, hand jobs, simple things like that, Yoongi only realized now the panic that went through Jimin’s eyes when Yoongi suggested taking off their clothes. That’s why Jimin only pulled his underwear down so far and why he always wore a shirt. Yoongi pulled down the underwear and his eyes automatically were attracted to the cuts on his thighs, worse than the ones on his stomach, deeper and newer. Yoongi reached for the new pair of underwear and let Jimin step into them before slipping them up before doing to the same process with his jeans.
Once he was dressed Yoongi stood up and pecked his lips sweetly before grabbing the boy’s hand dragging him out of the room. Everyone was sitting in the living room watching the news apparently. “We’re ready,” Yoongi said gaining the attention from the five over boys. They all looked up, their eyes looking at Jimin who was saying at the ground avoiding the ten eyes that stared through him for answers. He hid behind Yoongi who shot them all a look saying ‘don’t say anything dumb or insensitive’. They all stayed quiet the whole ride.
When they all walked into the familiar office and sat around the table waiting for Bang Shihyuk and their managers to come talk to them. Yoongi sat next to Jimin with his hand on his thigh rubbing it soothingly. Once everyone was present for the meeting one of their managers spoke up, “we need to post a statement referring to what happened yesterday. Jimin, do you have anything to say before we tell you what we’re going to say,” he shook his head looking down at the hand on his thigh not having the strength to make any form of eye contact.
“You’re going to take at least five months off,” Shihyuk said firmly. Jimin looked up quickly with tears in his eyes threatening to fall.
“No, no you can’t I have to continue, can’t we just forget it happened,” he pleaded desperately.
“Jimin…” Namjoon started only to be glared at by Jimin.
“No Namjoon, fuck you, I’m not talking to you this is all your fault,” he yelled with tears of frustration running down his cheeks. He wiped them away angrily.
“I know what I did. But I’m the leader of this group and we have to talk about this civilly. Sit down and listen for a damn second Jimin,” Namjoon spoke full with authority. “You're not okay and you need help, something that we can’t get you if you keep rejecting it all. All of this caused bad publicity, you promoting with us now is a bad idea, you need a few months off to fix whatever is wrong with you,”
‘Whatever is wrong with you’ Jimin stood in shock. He was fucked up… Jimin pushed the chair away and ran out of the office looking desperately for the bathroom. Once he found it he locked himself in a stall and cried digging his fingernails into his stomach picking at the scabs that we’re healing.
Ten minutes later he sat on the toilet seat with toilet paper against his stomach collecting all the blood that was on his hands. He heard a few footsteps approach him, “Jimin?” It was Yoongi.
“Go a-away, puh-please,” he sobbed grabbing more toilet paper.
Yoongi leaned against the stall Jimin was in, “let me in, babe,” Jimin waited a minute before unlocking the stall letting the boy in. Yoongi took one look at the boy and saw the blood on his hand and a small stain of blood seeping through his sweatshirt. Yoongi moved closer lifting up the sweater revealing all the toilet paper he was using to collect the blood and his heart broke. “Let me clean you up…” Yoongi said quietly. Jimin went to put his hands to his face before Yoongi stopped him muttering about the blood on his hands. “Go wash your hands first,” Jimin nodded standing up from the toilet and washed his hands. Yoongi propped the boy up on the sink after he finished washing his hands and grabbed paper towel before running it under water and dragging it across the bloody abdomen. After he was done cleaning him up and the blood stopped bleeding he threw the bloody paper towel in the toilet and flushed it. Jimin hoped down from the sink running to Yoongi and hugging him tightly. Yoongi looked at Jimin’s back in the mirror and kissed Jimin’s shoulder before hugging him back. “We have to go back, they talked to the other members and they’re going to talk separately with you and Namjoon.” Jimin’s grip tightened around his waist, “Do you want me to stay with you?” Jimin nodded.
They both entered the room where Namjoon was scrolling through his phone and the managers were talking amongst themselves. Once they sat down Yoongi sent them all a look saying he was staying here and they just nodded. They told Jimin that he was going to go to go home for a month until promotions were done and when he comes back he will go to therapy every week until next comeback. Depending on his mental health he may or may not participate in the come back but will continue to learn the dances and songs. He is banned from being on social media and being out in the public. He nodded weakly at the orders, knowing no matter what he would say it wouldn’t change their decision. They all went back to the dorm and he went straight to his room, Yoongi close behind. He got out his suitcase and started packing random clothes into the bag clearly frustrated.
Yoongi pulled him from the bag and turned him to look him in the eyes. “Let me pack for you okay?” Jimin nodded sitting down on the bed. Yoongi pulled out clothes asking the boy what he wanted to bring. After they were done Yoongi sat next to the boy in quiet.
“Yoongi?” Jimin said sadly. Yoongi brushed a piece of hair that was hanging in front of Jimin’s sad eyes humming in acknowledgement, “I want to die,” his voice barely whispered.
Yoongi felt the sincerity in his voice and laid down motioning Jimin to lie down next to him, “I’m sorry Jimin,” he said as Jimin let his tears fall, it’s been so long since he’s been able to cry as much as he did yesterday and today, “You’re going to get better, I’ll be with you through everything… Call me whenever you need I’ll try my hardest to answer. I love you Jimin, don’t leave me,” he stroked Jimin’s tears away and kissed his forehead, lips lingering as moments passed in each others arms.
“Thank you Yoongi,”