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It is a truth universally acknowledged that a young bacterium rich with genetic diversity must be in want of a mate. The rhizosphere was abuzz with speculation when Agri moved into the neighborhood, filling an ecological niche that had been lately left vacant. All of the bacteria vied for the chance to visit with him and considered him as the future mate of their daughters.
News travels quickly in the soil, and the Rhizo family was soon awash with chemical signals and anticipation. The eldest of the Rhizos could not be prevailed upon to meet with Agri, and so it was not until the dance at the root nodule that they had a chance to meet him.
"I hear he's very handsome," said Fredii as they swam over, "with a lustrous coat of exopolysaccharides and very strong flagella."
"He's bringing his twelve sisters and six gentlemen from the next rhizosphere over," Brady said. "Also, he told Sir Aeruginosa that he loves to dance."
"He has five thousand metabolites," their mother said. "Can you imagine that, girls?"
When they arrived at the dance, however, the girls found the rich young Agri dancing with his friend Bacti, and their hopes of making a match with him were crushed. The two gentlemen bacteria cut across the dance space with ease, swaying with Brownian motion, their flagella entwined in an intimate caress.
Pseu and Monas, the daughters of Sir Aeruginosa, soon hurried over to the Rhizos to share the latest gossip. "Do you see that man over there, dancing with Agri?" Pseu asked, quivering with alginate.
"They're old friends, they've known each other for several cell division cycles. Bacti is even richer than Agri is, and they share a conjugative plasmid," she told them.
"Isn't it romantic?" Monas sighed.
Bdello, an earnest young bacterium who was also new to the neighborhood, interrupted their conversation with an alarmone. "You can't trust Bacti," he said. "He's done terrible things in the past, robbing me of essential nutrients and that's not all. He's even infected a plant – oh, the horror of those days, the stress we all went through in the rhizosphere, the terrible chemicals that were released. It isn't a story for gentle chemoreceptors, ladies."
With a collective flounce of flagella and an unfavorable chemical gradient, the Rhizo family turned and left the dance, shunning the affectionate Agri and his suitor Bacti.
-----
"Oh, my love," Agri said. "My plasma membrane ruffles with joy at your approach, at the caress of your anionic lipopolysaccharides. Promise me that you'll be with me always, that I'll know this joy forever."
"I swear on my ribosomes, Agri, I'll never leave you. Neither drought nor antibiotic stress nor starvation will ever part us."
Agri spun with delight. "Oh yes, my love, oh yes," he said, feeling a signaling molecule penetrate him. It slid through the lipid bilayer with nary a tremor, the acyl chain stroking his membrane, the polar lactone head group giving him a delicious shiver as it bound a receptor protein.
He was incoherent with pleasure, the activated response regulator turning on the transcription of various genes. His polymerases hummed, his ribosomes whirred, and the polycistronic messenger RNA spun out like beads on a string. He was ready for his lover. "Mate with me, Bacti," he said.
They were both producing signals, the feedback loop intensifying as they swam close together. "I need you," Bacti said, and he brushed his rigid, thick pilus against Agri.
The pilus brought them together and they shuddered at the intense contact, needing more. With a groan, Agri opened himself, letting Bacti's plasmid flow into his cytoplasm. He accepted the nucleic acid, a shudder of ecstasy rushing through his cytoplasm at the additional charge. The osmotic pressure increased and he nearly burst, tightening his cell wall at the last moment.
Bacti hummed with his completion, letting the last of the plasmid slip into his lover. The two bacteria lay locked in an embrace for a moment longer, gathering their polymerases for another cycle of replication, and then Bacti retracted his pilus with a last affectionate brush along Agri's lipopolysaccharides. "Love you," he said.
"I love you too," Agri said.
-----
The Rhizo family was overcome with gratitude for Agri and Bacti when they saved their foolish youngest daughter Fredii from the wicked Bdello. She had succumbed to his charms and was in danger of losing everything when the heroic bacteria rescued her, driving Bdello away with a storm of antimicrobial compounds.
Etli, the second Rhizo daughter, had returned from a voyage to the plant nodule with great haste when she heard about her sister's plight. "Is there anything we can do to repay you?" she asked.
"If you would be so kind, Miss Rhizo," Bacti said, "do please let the rhizosphere know that neither I nor Agri are available. I wasn't flattered by Fredii's flirtations, and the chemical signals here are just too strong. I won't stand for the disapproval of the rhizosphere. I'm devoted to my Agri, and won't ever be parted with him."
"Of course," she said. "I'll let all the neighborhood know. After all, many of my dear cousins are in similar relationships and we all understand, truly we do."
Agri and Bacti thanked her before swimming away, their flagella twined together as they hurried off. Agri nearly burst with happiness, to be alone with his Bacti at last. They'd have privacy to mate again, and perhaps if they were lucky they'd reproduce and have a chance to form their own happy microcolony.
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