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Levi hates Erwin’s job and has said it on more than one occasion. He hates that Erwin doesn’t have a set work schedule, comes home late smelling like ash and sweat. That most mornings Levi wakes up to find the other half of the bed still empty, Erwin passed out on the couch after coming home at some ungodly hour.
He hates it even more on Christmas Eve, when the roast is congealing in its own gravy and the potatoes are growing cold. They’ve just moved into the neighborhood and the house feels a million times bigger than his or Erwin’s old apartment, still stacked with cardboard boxes that Levi hasn’t had time to unpack amidst the holiday season.
He spends the evening scrubbing all their silverware and dishes until his hands are raw and bleeding. When Erwin’s not home a full two hours after the promised time, Levi takes out all the heavy duty cleaning supplies from the closet and douses the kitchen in bleach, and when that’s not enough, he gets on his knees and hand picks each fleck and strand of hair from their living room carpet.
(Levi hates carpets because they always get dirty. Erwin loves them.)
It’s close to eleven PM when Levi is finally composed enough to turn on the evening news. The dinner sits cold in the kitchen and his hands are scratched and raw, one nail bleeding when he watches the news reel of the fire that had blazed beyond control in a four story apartment.
There’s no way, he thinks. It’s outside their county and Erwin was supposed to get off at six today, so there’s no way he could have made it in time. But in his mind he sees Erwin, shrugging out of his suit after a ten hour shift, driving home and getting the call just as he’s a block away and turning around without a thought.
Will be home late. Sorry love, I’ll make it up to you reads the last text on Levi’s phone. Erwin’s always home late so Levi had thought little of it at the time, hadn’t even bothered to text back.
Everyone in the building was evacuated safely, the reporter says, although half a dozen were sent to the hospital in serious or critical condition.
Levi doesn’t even call Erwin’s phone. If he’s anywhere near it, it’s probably being blown up with calls from the mayor and all the other shits Erwin has to talk to as fire chief.
"Levi," Mike says when he picks up. There’s a drawn out pause and Levi doesn’t deign it with any remark. He hears shuffling and murmurs in the background. "I’m assuming you’ve watched the news."
Levi’s watched it on three separate stations before he was finally able to tear himself away and turn the TV off.
"Which hospital?" he asks plainly.
—-
When he gets there he finds the emergency entrance blocked by a deluge of reporters who he promptly shoves aside. At admissions, he demands to see Erwin Smith, and is turned down.
"I’m sorry sir, but at this moment we can only allow immediate family into the -"
"I’m his fiance!" Levi brings his left hand up to show her the engagement ring and realizes what a mess he must look like, face splotchy from anger and fingers torn and bruised. She looks quite taken aback and pushes the chair a bit further from the admissions desk before denying him again.
Mike finds him shaking from the cold on the curb, pacing back and forth. When Levi sees him, his face twists into anger before marching up and blaming him for not picking up his phone, even though Levi had called him at least a dozen times in the past half hour. Mike brings him in only after Levi has calmed down, bypassing the admissions desk and going for the paramedic entrance, straight to the elevator.
"He’s asleep right now. They knocked him out with so many painkillers I’m not sure he’ll even wake up tomorrow," Mike explains once they’re on the floor. "By the way, this floor is a 24 hour quiet area."
"Fuck you, I’m not seven years old. I can shut my mouth when I want to."
Evidently he can’t because the attending nurse sends him a hard glare that he dismisses, storming down the hall. Erwin’s room is sealed shut, and he’s hooked up to so many machines that somehow manage to dwarf such a giant of a man. Levi makes a noise like a wounded animal, pressing the heel of his hands into his eyes until he sees white. Mike rests a hand on his shoulder and squeezes hard enough that Levi snaps out of it.
"Can we go in?"
Mike shakes his head. “Sorry, only the attending and his nurse are allowed in. Less contamination.”
Levi doesn’t argue with the logic of that, and suddenly fears he’s breathing too close to the glass and takes a step back.
In the quiet, the faint bleeps from the monitor come through even the glass door and Levi counts nearly a hundred of them before he manages to ask, “How bad?”
Mike takes a second to glance at Levi, his hand still on his shoulder. Levi feels even smaller than he usually does standing next to Mike. “Severe smoke inhalation. Partially collapsed lung, fractured ribs on one side. Third degree burns down his right side.” There’s a long pause before Mike says, “Let’s go out to the waiting room.”
"What? What else? That can’t be it." Besides the burns, they’re not much more severe than what usually gets Erwin hospitalized. Levi knows just how many fractures and torn ligaments and scars Erwin has on his body, and knows there’s no way Erwin would let himself be put under anesthesia for burns.
"Let’s go the waiting room," Mike insists again but Levi whips out of his grip and turns around snarling.
"What the fuck Mike?" He lowers his voice when another nurse glares. "I have a right to know, so tell me here."
Mike runs his hands through his hair - his ash-covered hands, and Levi resists the urge to grab him and scrub him down and get all the grime out from under his nails because he’s standing so close to Erwin and what if it gets in under the door -
"His arm’s gone."
Levi stares hard, waiting for Mike to drop the punch line but Mike stares at him, sadness etched into his normally stoic features. “I’m so sorry Levi. I really am.”
"Oh," Levi breathes. He’s not sure what to feel - it’s not sadness or anger. It’s mostly a mixture of disbelief. "Oh."
"I’m sorry. You should have been the one signing the consent forms, but I did. I let them amputate him."
Levi swallows hard.
"His arm was burnt almost to the bone and -" It’s Mike who stops first and presses his lips together into a firm line. It’s as vulnerable as Levi has ever seen him.
All three of them really - Erwin, Mike, Levi. They don’t know how to express themselves and Levi’s not sure what to do when Mike stares at him, eyes lucid and not really seeing him.
—-
It’s sometime past two in the morning when Levi remembers that Mike’s been working since eight this (yesterday) morning and pushes and shoves him until he goes home. There’s no point in both of them sitting in the waiting room looking like sob cases. Levi looks pathetic enough that one of the nurses offers him a cup of coffee and lemon cookies, which he nibbles on without tasting. He hasn’t eaten and faintly remembers the Christmas Eve dinner still on the table.
That’s what finally pulls the grief out of him, and once it starts he can’t stop, swallowing hard around the hand he presses to his mouth, shoulders shaking when he presses his head between his knees, trying not to throw up.
——
The doctors let him in sometime in the morning. Levi almost doesn’t want to go in because he’s disgusting and Erwin’s so small and vulnerable suddenly. Levi wants to scrub the room and the ventilators and rip out the tubes that traverse under Erwin’s skin, the constant drip of the IV tube the only thing Levi can focus on the first ten seconds he’s in there.
The lights are thankfully dimmed so he can’t see how pale Erwin is, even against the bedsheets. Unconsciously, he searches out for the missing arm even though he’d spent the past hours telling himself exactly not to do that.
It’s okay, Levi thinks, sitting down on the visitor chair. He’s almost scared to touch him, but reaches out to hold his left hand after scrubbing himself down at the sink. His hands sting from the chaffing of last night, but Erwin feels so alive when he holds him.
Erwin wakes up sometime after Levi passes out from exhaustion. When Levi finally stirs, Erwin offers him a tired and slurred, “Hello,” and after a few moments, “Is it still your birthday?”
——
Erwin’s a model patient by all standards, smiling congenially at the nurses and doctors, healing smoothly and showing no signs of discomfort. It’s an act he pulls off even around Levi, and Levi lets him when he’s this weak and tired.
Erwin and Levi don’t say much when Levi’s there, and at first it’s not much different. But it’s stifling, sitting with Erwin for hours on end, watching him doze, feeding him carefully, helping him use the bedpan.
"I have to go back to work tomorrow," Levi says one evening. Erwin nods absently.
"Is winter break over so soon?"
"…Yea. It’s January 3rd tomorrow. I have to go back to teaching those brats."
Erwin calls Levi’s name when he shifts to leave. He grabs his hand, his left hand, and runs his thumb along the metallic band on his ring finger. There’s a long moment of silence before he lets go, fingers shaking. “I’ve thought about this for a long time while I was here…”
Levi watches Erwin’s jaw clench and unclench before he breathes out. “Levi, it’s not fair for me to keep you tied down, especially in this condition. I know I’m not the same man anymore. So if you want to call off the engagement I will respect your wishes.”
Levi sucks in a harsh breathe and snatches his hand back from where it lays on Erwin’s chest. Erwin closes his eyes, waiting for Levi to confirm his fears, and that’s what hurts the most.
"If you’re going to say bullshit like that, at least look at me," Levi grits out finally.
Erwin turns to look at him and Levi forces himself to not look at the stump of his right arm. “Levi.”
"I said say it to my face," he snarls. "If you think I’m going to leave you just because - because," he chokes on his words and thinks if I can’t even bring myself to say it, I really am scum, “because you’re missing an arm, you better have the guts to say it to my face.”
"Levi, please don’t make me repeat it."
"So why would you even say it in the first place?"
It’s silent except for harsh breathing from both of them before Erwin adds gently, “I’ve lost an arm Levi. People have broken up for a lot less.”
Levi doesn’t know what to say at this point. Erwin’s usually the one who comes in with calming words and diplomatic phrases and Levi only manages to make a small, huffing noise before grabbing Erwin’s hand and squeezing it hard enough that he’s sure they’re both going to bruise where Levi’s ring digs into their fingers.
——
When Erwin comes home and divides his attention between watching the news and answering calls from the department, it’s at least ten times worse than when Levi had to force himself to drive over to the hospital. The worst part is that Erwin never asks for help, never complains about the pain, and other than the twitches of his shoulder and stumbles he makes turning corners, there’s not much different. Levi helps him shower and switches his recipes so Erwin can eat with one hand. He’s been measured for a prosthetic arm, although the doctor’s not sure if everything would work out.
The unpacked boxes continue to be stacked up along the hallways of their too big house, and Levi can’t bring himself to sort through their things when he feels uncomfortable in his own home. He’s hesitant against playing the radio or turning on the TV so it doesn’t disturb Erwin. It gets to point where Levi spends more and more time offering extra help with homework to stay at school longer. When he’s at home, Levi cleans twice as much as before.
Erwin goes back to sleeping in the bedroom, but they sleep on opposite sides of the bed without touching. In any case, Erwin’s medicine makes him sleep nearly twelve hours a day so Levi leaves for work before Erwin wakes up, and Erwin starts dozing off just hours after Levi comes home. Levi drives Erwin to his check ups and they sit in terse silence.
——
It comes to a breaking point when Erwin gets a call in the middle of dinner. Levi grabs the phone from the coffee table before Erwin can get to it and hangs up.
"Levi," Erwin starts. "Please don’t do that."
The phone rings again and Erwin holds out his hand and says, “Give me the phone.”
Levi doesn’t hang up this time but doesn’t hand the phone over either. “I don’t know why you’re still working there. You’re not their slave.”
Erwin plants his arm on the table, fingers twitching slightly and Levi realizes he’d have his fingers steeped together in his classic compromise pose if he still had his right arm.
"You know as well as I do that I’m only on temporary leave."
"Temporary leave my ass. You can’t think of going back."
The phone stops ringing.
"Levi, you know I’ve been at the station before we even met."
That hurts more than it should. “And I’ve told you a hundred times before that I hate your job.”
"Will you please stop saying that?"
"I’m not saying it to annoy you Erwin, I’m saying it because I mean it!"
“Levi, you know I can’t leave the station.”
“And what have they ever done for you? What has the family you saved ever done for you?”
“I’ve spoken to them -”
“And they’ve thanked you profusely and all that bullshit, but at the end of the day you’re the one with one arm and we’re still paying off our mortgage and there’s the medical bills and we don’t make nearly enough just-”
Levi cuts himself off, takes a deep shuddering breath and presses his fists into his knees so he doesn’t do anything stupid.
"I’ve cut back on my hours and I sleep on the couch so I don’t wake you up and-"
"For fucks sakes Erwin, do you know how I felt whenever I watched the news?"
"Levi -"
"Or when you came home late and I don’t know if you were coming home at all?"
Erwin shuts his eyes and breathes slowly through his nose, and Levi forces himself out of the kitchen before he says anything more.
Erwin joins him on the couch in a few minutes. Levi thinks temporarily about the unwashed dishes in the kitchen but doesn’t have the energy to get up. After a few moments, Erwin reaches over to intertwine his fingers lightly with Levi’s, pressing a kiss against each of Levi’s knuckles. It used to be their favorite thing, Erwin kissing Levi anywhere and everywhere - the arch of his foot, the back of his knees, each vertebrae down his back.
Only now Levi feels a mild sense of frustration and just wishes Erwin would go to their bedroom and fall asleep.
“I’m sorry,” Erwin says.
Levi says nothing but when Erwin shifts to leave, he leans over and presses a kiss between Erwin’s shoulder blades, and Erwin turns around to kiss him on the forehead.
——
The next day, the house is completely dark when Levi opens the door, and his heart stops for a treacherous moment.
Then a flash of light blinds him for a second before he hears shuffling and Erwin’s “sorry,” and the light drops to somewhere near his feet.
Swallowing hard, Levi asks the obvious. “Erwin?”
“Right here.” He sees the beam of light, now focused on the ground, steadily approaching him. “Sorry, we lost power a few minutes before you got back.” It’s just a bit after five, but on a January day there’s little more than gray sunlight coming through the windows, and the house is drenched in darkness.
Levi bends down to unlace his boots, trying to seem nonchalant. Erwin directs the light near him so he can see better and Levi hopes he can’t see the shaking in his fingers. If Erwin had actually left, he’s not sure what he would have done. But when Levi looks up, Erwin’s still standing there.
“So why did the power go out?” Levi asks, standing up to toe out of his boots. Erwin shrugs, faintly silhouetted against the light through the window.
“I’ve asked some people at the station, and they’re saying it might be due to residual damage from the snowstorm a few weeks ago.”
Levi shrugs out of his coat before going to the kitchen and checking all the appliances. The fridge is out of commission, the stove doesn’t work, and Levi systematically goes through all the fixtures in their house before concluding that there was a blackout. Erwin follows him through the rooms, holding up the light.
“Is that your phone?” Levi asks, squinting at their light source.
“It’s an app actually. I downloaded it and it seems to work fine. I couldn’t find the flashlight.”
“It’s in the second drawer of the kitchen,” Levi replies instinctively before remembering they moved. “Nevermind, it’s not.”
Erwin’s always prepared for emergencies - a flashlight in the kitchen and one in the bathroom, canned food to last a year. Erwin’s mother used to send them preserves, and they’d eat them in the winter, joking there was enough to last them decades. They’d given all the preserves away before moving.
“That’s fine,” Erwin says, moving back out to the living room. “I have candles and matches.”
“Really?”
Erwin puts the phone down on the kitchen table before opening the second drawer. Levi grabs his phone and holds it towards Erwin while he moves aside their extra silverware, still tied together with twine, to take out the matches and candles.
They’re birthday candles.
Erwin’s smiling at him sadly when he puts them on the kitchen counter. “We just need something to hold them.”
Levi scans the kitchen and lands on the potted plant by the windowsill. It’s a poinsettia, a present from their neighbors for the holiday season, though now it’s entirely wilted and brown. Levi brushes the dead petals into the garbage can, leaving the stem.
Erwin looks at the pot and says, “I guess this would work.”
The light casts an orange glow on the paneling in their kitchen and Levi smiles despite himself.
“How long do you think the power outage is going to last?” Levi asks.
Erwin goes back to his phone. “Mike says they’re getting an emergency generator to the area in a bit.”
Levi tries the sink and finds that it still works. “So in a couple of minutes or hours?”
“Hours probably.”
Levi checks the lights one last time before walking out of the kitchen.
“Do you want to take a shower or wait?”
“Let’s do it now while there might be some hot water left. I don’t know if they’re going to restore the heat by tonight.”
Levi brings the candles and fills the tub as usual. When he removes the bandages from Erwin’s arm and chest, there’s just flaky dead skin that he brushes off carefully. He watches Erwin each time to see if there’s pain, but today, when it’s dimmed around them, Erwin’s wound looks so small compared to the way each muscle and crevice along his chest is highlighted by candlelight.
“It’s only a flesh wound,” Levi whispers. Erwin stares at him strangely but doesn’t say anything. When Erwin gets into the bathtub, the water looks like molten fire as he sinks in and Levi almost pulls away when Erwin rubs a soothing hand down his arm.
“It’s only a flesh wound,” Erwin repeats.
Levi bathes the area as usual, gently scrubbing around the wound, catching the water before it falls down the arm, but he does so reverently, working the soap into a gentle lather and coaxing Erwin to tilt his head back so he can smooth shampoo into his hair. Levi presses a kiss to Erwin’s neck, feeling Erwin’s pulse come through strong.
—-
They sit in the kitchen with the candles half burnt. Levi manages to light their gas stove with a match and boils water for tea. He stirs milk and sugar into Erwin’s cup for him, because somehow they’ve got their fingers laced against each other’s.
Erwin smiles across the candles and asks if Levi remembers the campsite they went to just a month after they’d met, before anything was serious. Back then, Erwin hadn’t discovered Levi’s aversion to the loud (Hange) and the nosy (Mike), and Levi had been too flattered to turn down an invitation. They made out in the back of Mike’s truck (later Mike confesses that he and Hange knew about the entire thing).
The lights come on much sooner than they’d expected and Erwin’s eyes go first to their hands. It’s almost eight and they’re both starving, and Erwin’s been dozing off from the medication for the better part of the hour. Levi reheats leftovers and forces Erwin to eat it before sending him to bed.
Levi climbs in not much after, brushing Erwin’s bangs away from his face before falling asleep.
—-
The next day, there’s a notice saying there would be a scheduled power blackout from four to six for repairs to be done. Levi decides to grab food on his way home so Erwin doesn’t have to wait for dinner. They’ve agreed to make dinner time earlier to match Erwin’s sleep schedule, and for once Levi finds it’s not a inconvenience.
He comes home earlier than usual, deciding not to hold those extra office hours that no one came to. Erwin’s already lit new candles, proper candles that smell spicy and warm.
“Where’d you get those?” Levi asks, hanging his jacket up.
“I think they were a present from ages ago. We never used them, but I think they smell fine. A bit strong though?”
Levi makes a noise of agreement before leaning up to kiss Erwin. It’s such a natural move that he thinks nothing of it until he feels Erwin tense and almost panics before Erwin wraps his arm around him.
—-
Levi’s gratified to find a similar notice informing him of another outage when he leaves the next morning. He decides to bring pizza from Erwin’s favorite restaurant, which Levi had banned him from eating because his breath always smelled like garlic for hours afterwards.
Erwin grabs his hand and asks if he remembers the time they went to the newly opened restaurant with some celebrity-chef name tacked onto its title. After he dropped Levi off at his apartment, he had turned around and driven back to the restaurant. Levi hadn’t known that.
“Why’d you drive back?” Levi asks, fingers twitching in Erwin’s grasp.
The edges of a smile are tugging at Erwin’s lips. “I got a call that I left my wallet there.”
Levi remembers they had argued over the bill because it was their first year anniversary and neither had the means to pay for it at that time, but both had wanted to. He’s a little miffed that Erwin fought so hard to pay, just to forget his entire wallet.
“Dumbass,” he says affectionately. “How’d you manage to do that?”
Erwin smiles broadly now, and Levi wonders how long he’s waited to tell Levi this. “I must have been distracted. I had a feeling I was going to marry you.”
——
There’s no notice the next morning and Levi contemplates reinstating those office hours but decides against it. He turns the key in the door and expects to find a bright and empty room, Erwin cooped in front of the computer. But everything is still dark and the house smells like candles and Erwin’s sitting in front of the television. He looks up, surprised and stands up.
“Ah, Levi, I’m not - let’s try that again.”
Levi stares at Erwin, confused, but Erwin pushes him out the door before he can say anything. “Come back in a minute okay?”
Erwin’s done so many things stranger that Levi decides not to question it, though he’s slightly annoyed when Erwin just shoves him out and closes the door in his face.
When Levi opens the door the second time, Erwin’s down on one knee, holding up a bouquet of roses.
Levi has no words when Erwin raises his eyebrows and grins like he knows Levi can’t resist him.
“…What the fuck are you doing?”
Without missing a beat, Erwin says, “Proposing to you.”
Levi’s heart pounds in his throat. “Are you serious? This is the worst proposal ever.”
Erwin laughs. “Good thing I did it right the first time.”
Levi makes Erwin wait while he unlaces his boots and takes off his jacket, side eyes Erwin kneeling on the floor promisingly. He’s always been torn about flowers - he hates the impracticality of it, but he appreciates the sentimentality. It’s only after he takes the bouquet and sets it on the coffee table that he notices the music.
Erwin straightens up, looking immensely pleased, and Levi can’t wipe the smile from his face.
“I can’t believe you remember this song,” Levi says.
“I didn’t remember this one actually,” Erwin admits, running a hand through his hair. It’s not fair he still looks gorgeous even after weeks of being bedridden and dressed in a tank and sweats. “I found the CD.”
Levi doesn’t hesitate when Erwin leans down for a kiss, though he pushes him away before it gets deep. “How? I thought we lost it.”
“You had it tucked into your hoodie pocket. Well, my hoodie.”
Levi pulls back, smoothing his hands down Erwin’s chest. “The college one? But I haven’t - oh.”
Levi looks guiltily at the boxes, a few of them now opened. Now that he’s looking, there are some more DVDs and video games set out along the TV rack, a few pictures set up along their coffee table. “I can’t believe you managed to find it.”
Levi doesn’t stop Erwin when he pulls him in for another kiss and he lets himself indulge in the memory of Erwin, both hands pressed against his cheeks, fingers running through his hair, for a brief second before he brushes the illusion from his mind.
Levi mouths along to the last words of the song, breathing the lyrics against Erwin’s lips. “You’re the only one who’d give someone a sappy mixtape.”
“They’re classics,” Erwin insists, “And I know you like it.”
“I only like it because I had to listen to it so much in your car.”
“Liar,” Erwin breathes, pressing his hand at the small of Levi’s back, bringing him flush against his body. They’re rocking slightly to the music, Levi’s fingers laced behind Erwin’s neck.
Levi buries his face in Erwin’s chest and says, “I’m sorry,” so softly Erwin doesn’t hear. He repeats himself. “I’m sorry. I’m an ass and I can’t believe you deal with the stuff I say.”
Erwin rubs soothing circles on Levi’s back. “I’m sorry too. I was being selfish.” He feels the bob of Erwin’s throat as he swallows.
“Look Erwin, I just want to say I’m really proud of you. I am. I know I give you a lot of shit for your work, but I think you do amazing things.”
The song plays softly in the background.
“I want you to keep your job Erwin.”
“That’s what I’ve been doing,” Erwin says. “They’re thinking about promoting me again, giving me jurisdiction over more stations. I’ll just be pushing papers, don’t worry.”
Levi huffs a breath of air. “I’m not worried. I’m just worried you’re going to get fat and stinky.”
Erwin starts singing along when the next song comes up and Levi presses himself even closer. They used to do this in the car, Erwin singing so loudly and with no regard for melody or tone that Levi has to chime in, if only to make the ride bearable.
Erwin loves his voice, even if Levi’s nothing special. Erwin steps on Levi’s feet more than once, whispering apologies into his hair.
“We’re going to be okay,” Erwin breathes.
Levi bites him lightly. “Of course we are, you idiot.”