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“This personal essay is killing me,” Eddy muttered, wishing that colleges would just use his application, SAT scores and grades to decide whether or not to let him in. Thankfully the latter two were pretty good thanks to Edd’s tutoring. “I mean what the heck am I gonna write about?”
“There are several topics suggested if you can’t think of one, Eddy,” Edd reminded him as he corrected the mistakes of Ed’s essay. He suddenly became teary-eyed. “Oh, Ed, that’s so deep. I never even thought of our adventures like that.”
Ed grinned at the compliment while Eddy stared at him in surprise. Since when was Monibrow deep? he wondered.
“Hey, Lumpy, what did you write about?” Eddy asked, half-hoping Ed would read his essay out loud and he could “borrow” some of the material.
“What kind of super powers we’d have,” Ed said simply, smiling broadly.
Eddy sighed, asking Ed to elaborate would cause Edd to catch on and he would put a stop to it. Oh well, at the very least, maybe he could give Eddy any idea of what to write.
“What about you, Sockhead? What did you write about?”
“I just wrote about one of my inventions and how it affected me,” Edd replied, evasively, not looking up.
“Well unless you count my scams as inventions,” Eddy began, rolling his eyes when he saw Edd shaking his head and Ed nodding. “I’ll just take a look at those topics again and try to figure it out what to write about.”
They were interrupted by a loud buzzing Edd turned scarlet as he pulled his phone out of his bag. “I thought putting it on vibrate would make it quieter,” he mumbled before greeting the person on the other line. “Oh hello, Mother, I’m at the library so would you wait a moment while I step outside?” She must have said yes because he quickly sprinted past the glaring librarian who was pointing at the “no cellphones sign”
“Why did Double Dee change his essay?” Ed wondered aloud.
“He didn’t. He just thinks we don’t know what it’s really about. He doesn’t know we found it on his desk,” Eddy explained, praying that Ed wouldn’t say anything when Edd got back. It wasn’t like they had been snooping. They just got bored waiting for Edd finish his errand and they just happened to glance over the neatly stapled pieces of paper: all twenty pages. Their friend would be outraged that they invaded his privacy which is why they agreed not to say anything, no matter how touched and slightly guilty they felt after reading what he wrote.
“So what are you gonna write about?” Ed asked, changing the subject either because he understood Eddy’s answer and silent demand or because of his short attention span.
“Uh, maybe an important event that changed my life?” Eddy read off the list.
“Double Dee’s doing that one,” Ed pointed out.
Although it was on the tip of Eddy’s tongue to tell his big lug of a friend that it wouldn’t matter if the topics were the same, he realized that if he wanted Ed to keep his mouth shut about reading Edd’s essay on that particular summer, he better choose a different topic.
“Okay, “a personal statement”, whatever the heck that means,” Eddy recited, his eyes traveling down the paper. “Your secret love… Ed, wipe that smirk off your face,” he demanded, not even glancing at his friend.
“Come on, Eddy, that’s perfect for you,” Ed said knowingly, his grin still plastered on his face.
“No, it’s not. A kiss that… geez, what is with these topics? A time when you saw your parents cry. Well that’s an easy one, when they realized I wasn’t going to flunk high school and be living with them for the rest of their lives,” Eddy laughed.
“I think they want you to write about something a little more meaningful,” Edd remarked as he returned to their table just in time for him to hear Eddy’s last sentence.
“Ugh, I don’t want to write about my feelings and all that sappy stuff,” Eddy groaned, disgustedly throwing the list away from him. Ed caught it and studied it thoughtfully.
“It’s not like no one who knows you will be reading it and no one is going to talk to you about it afterwards. It’s completely private hence the name personal essay,” Edd explained, thankfully missing the meaningful look his two friends just swapped. "I realize it's difficult for you to open up but if you don't get into any college, it'll ruin our plan to go to the same one."
The pleading look on Edd's face made Eddy grumble as he reached for the list of topics again. After all, everyone knew that Edd could get into any college he wanted to but he refused to leave his best friends behind.
“Here, Eddy, I found one for you,” Ed declared, using his finger to mark the particular topic he was showing them.
Eddy was fully prepared to sock him if he was pointing to "secret love". Luckily for Ed, he had selected “what does money mean to you?” which would have been perfect if Eddy hadn’t spotted the one above it: If you could send a letter back in time to yourself six years, what would you say?
“Yeah, that’s a good one, Lumpy, I’ll get right on that when I get home,” Eddy said, packing his stuff up. He said a hasty goodbye to his bewildered friends before hurriedly leaving the library.
When Eddy arrived home, he decided to make a list before starting his actual essay.
Things I would tell my past self:
1. The Kankers aren’t as bad as they seem. Stand up to them and they’ll back off.
2. Also thanks to your dope of a best friend falling for May, you will have to spend time with at least one of them. Prepare yourself ahead of time, otherwise you’ll just start screaming in horror when you see them on a date. Double Dee will never let you hear the end of it.
3. Jimmy can be an evil mastermind. At the friendship day thing, don’t give him a wedgie, just don’t.
4. Sarah will become more attractive. Do not say she’s hot to Ed. He will go into big brother mode and you will suffer for that comment. In his defense, he probably didn’t mean to throw you that far or that hard.
5. Johnny is weird but harmless. Even when he and Plank tried to be evil, they were mostly annoying for a few days before giving up and hanging out with us.
6. When Rolf asks you to help him get the chickens ready for dinner for enough money to buy a drawer full of jawbreakers, say no. Otherwise you’ll have nightmares of a blood-stained Rolf trying to kill you with an ax while you're surrounded by headless chickens; you won't sleep well for two months afterwards.
7. Kevin still has his bike but you have a car! He’s never gonna live it down and you don’t even need to rub his face in it. Rolf does that for you.
8. Yes, you will date Nazz. When you’re fifteen. Then you’ll break up after an incident at a party which will be very awkward for both of you.
9. Tell Mom and Dad about the neglect and abuse your friends go through from their folks. Trust me, one tongue lashing later, Edd’s parents are more attentive and Ed’s Mom is afraid of even raising her voice at Ed, least our Mom straightens her out with her fist.
10. Bro’s not someone we should idealize. I know he seems great but there’s a reason our parents kicked him out. And under no circumstances should you put your friends in a situation where they have to meet him. Especially Double Dee.
11. Speaking of Double Dee and Ed, they’ll forgive you when you are at your worst and they are pretty much the only two who put up with you. Stop treating them like crap, you big jerk.
12. Quicksand pranks are not funny, neither is calling Sockhead a sap when he thinks you’re dead.
13. Oh and speaking of Double Dee, that thing you’re feeling right now about him, it’s real. You’re not imagining actually liking that dare kiss or thinking he’s cuter then Nazz. You might not realize it but you’re starting to like him more than a friend should.
14. Lumpy’s gonna figure it out. Don’t ask how. He just knows and won’t stop bugging you about it until you confess.
Eddy was about to cross the last two out but he was interrupted when his cellphone rang.
“Hello?”
“YOU READ MY PERSONAL ESSAY!” Edd shouted.
“Hold on one sec,” Eddy requested, jotting down one more thing for his list.
15. Edd’s still adorable when he gets mad. But if he gets too upset with you just say something honest that will shock him.
“I love you.”