Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[FARM LIFE] opened [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]

[FARM LIFE] added [ALEX], [ABIGAIL], [ELLIOT], [EMILY], [HARVEY], [HALEY], [LEAH], [MARU], [PENNY], [SAM], [SEBASTIAN], and [SHANE] to [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]

SAM: oh no

ABIGAIL: Group chat!

MARU: I am not suffering through another one of these things.

SHANE: nope

[SHANE] has left [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]

[MARU] has left [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]

FARM LIFE: ???

FARM LIFE: What happened.

HALEY: Save yourself, sweet summer child

FARM LIFE: ????????

HARVEY: I also have no idea what’s going on.

SEBASTIAN: well

SEBASTIAN: a few years ago we tried this

SEBASTIAN: but…

ABIGAIL: #RESURGENCE

SEBASTIAN: abby got a little overexcited

ABIGAIL: (♥ω♥ ) ~♪

ABIGAIL: （*＾3＾）/～♡

ABIGAIL: Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

HALEY: We all left it because she single-handedly drowned the chat in emojis and hashtags

EMILY: I still seem them when I close my eyes at night.

ELLIOT: Her disregard for proper grammar is already appalling as it is.

ELLIOT: I can not even fathom what it used to be like.

EMILY: I was rather frightening, to be honest.

ABIGAIL: #NOREGRET

ABIGAIL: ヽ(⌐■_■)ノ♪♬

ABIGAIL: ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡

PENNY: To be fair we all encouraged the group chat at first.

PENNY: Do you remember the Cryptid Linus Challenge?

SEBASTIAN: the CLC was a dark time

SAM: wow, that brings back memories

HALEY: How could I forget

HALEY: My phone was literally flooded with low-quality jpegs of a yellow motion blur on a daily basis

LEAH: I’m afraid to ask, but what was the Cryptid Linus Challenge?

ALEX: Well…

ALEX: To put it simply…

SEBASTIAN: we harassed the fuck out of linus

ALEX: Yeah

ALEX: That

FARM LIFE: What did you do to that poor man???

SAM: we thought he was weird and mysterious

SAM: i mean,  he always ran away from us

EMILY: In his defense, our parents threatened him when he first approached us.

SAM: so we decided to try and photograph him

SAM: since none of us had actually seen his face before

HALEY: Alex and I came pretty close

HALEY: We used one of my mom's pies to lure him out of the woods

ALEX: Yeah, but our elaborate string and box trap had a fatal flaw

EMILY: Wasn’t the box too small?

ALEX: No, it was plenty big

HALEY: We didn’t consider that once he was inside the box we couldn’t photograph him

ALEX: And once he was trapped he didn’t take the box off for like a week

ALEX: Just kinda ran around the mountain with it covering his body

SEBASTIAN: THAT WAS LINUS?

SEBASTIAN: I HAD NIGHTMARES

ABIGAIL: #lmao

ABIGAIL: #solidlinus

SEBASTIAN: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE TERROR OF SEEING A BOX FLY AROUND YOUR BACKYARD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

ABIGAIL: #hauntedbyabox

ELLIOT: So how did one win the Cryptid Linus Challenge?

PENNY: I don’t think there really was a guideline for who won.

SAM: abby was probs the closest

HALEY: Until she got us all grounded

FARM LIFE: ???

ABIGAIL: apparently trying to smoke a out a cryptid with actual smoke and fire is considered

ABIGAIL: “wrong” and “dangerous”

ABIGAIL: and “you could have burned down the whole town”

ABIGAIL: #unjustlygrounded

FARM LIFE: Yoba fucking christ you were all horrible children.

ABIGAIL: ヾ(･ω･)┌┛三三三

ELLIOT: I am not even sure what that is supposed to be.

FARM LIFE: but you gotta admit it’s kinda impressive

FARM LIFE: there’s no way i could type those up so quickly.

ABIGAIL: there’s an app for that

ABIGAIL: hey farmer, look!

ABIGAIL: ( ఠൠఠ )

ABIGAIL: its a cow!

FARM LIFE: …

FARM LIFE: can you send me that app?

PENNY: It is kinda cute.

ALEX: You know i’m surprised

ALEX:  I never expected you of all people, farm boy, to know how to set something like this up

ALEX: Aren’t you supposed to only know how to dig holes and plant seeds?

ABIGAIL: #phrasing

FARM LIFE: are you stereotyping me Alex?

FARM LIFE: what did you think I did all day when I worked for joja?

FARM LIFE: my job?

ABIGAIL: #lmao

ABIGAIL: #goals

SAM: you know she’s gonna start saying the word ‘hashtag’ irl

SAM: again

ELLIOT: If my grasp on the English language starts to slip, I am holding you responsible.

FARM LIFE: i fail to see how that’s my fault.

FARM LIFE: anyways, we’re getting off subject.

FARM LIFE: i set this up for a reason.

[FARM LIFE] added [SHANE] and [MARU] to [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]

SHANE: no

[SHANE] has left [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]

FARM LIFE: WAIT DON’T LEAVE

FARM LIFE: SHIT

[FARM LIFE] added [SHANE] to [PELICAN TOWN GROUP CHAT]

FARM LIFE: GIVE ME A MINUTE

FARM LIFE: I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

MARU: I’ll stay but only if Abby keeps her mouth shut.

ABIGAIL: #rude

EMILY: But no one’s actually talking?

ABIGAIL: #rekt

MARU: You know what I mean.

MARU: And Abigail. You know I love you.

MARU: But for the sake of our friendship continuing I need you to stop typing.

SHANE: just block her

SHANE: its in settings

MARU: You can do that?

LEAH: You can do that?

ELLIOT: You can do that?

SEBASTIAN: You can do that?

ABIGAIL: SEBBY???

ABIGAIL: I’VE BEEN BETRAYED

ABIGAIL: #stabbedintheback

ABIGAIL: ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥᷄⌓˂̣̣̥᷅ )‧º·˚

SEBASTIAN: abby i love you

SEBASTIAN: but this is for the sake of our friendship

ABIGAIL: (╯︵╰,)

PENNY: Wait, Shane. If you had her blocked already then why’d you leave so quickly?

SHANE: i’m keeping up appearances

LEAH: What appearances? We all know you’re a softie.

SHANE: you haven’t seen me after too many beers

EMILY: Oh please. You’re a sad drunk and everyone knows it.

EMILY: I think Abigail still has pictures from the time you crawled into the arms of that taxidermy bear and asked it to comfort you.

HALEY: I KNOW I DO.

HALEY: [attached image: shanesshame.png]

SHANE: kill me

SAM: LMFAO SHANE WTF

LEAH: Is he not wearing a pants?

ABIGAIL: #NAKEDANDAFRAID

PENNY: Well that’s something I never needed to see.

FARM LIFE: CAN WE GET TO MY POINT

SHANE: please

ABIGAIL: at this point i’m just screwing around

SAM: when were you not screwing around?

[FARM LIFE] changed channel name to [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]

ABIGAIL: #WOW

ABIGAIL: #RUDE

MARU: I agree, that was uncalled for.

SEBASTIAN: it’s a cold day in hell when those two agree on something

ALEX: I’ve never done anything wrong in my entire life.

FARM LIFE: I know this, and I love you.

FARM LIFE: its for the rest of these people.

SAM: what did we do?

ABIGAIL: yeah, why the hate bro?

FARM LIFE: Oh i don’t know

FARM LIFE: have any of you taken a look at the help wanted board recently?

LEAH: Oh…

FARM LIFE: YEAH

ELLIOT: What is wrong with the board?

FARM LIFE: Do any of you actually check so see if you can help with requests?

FARM LIFE: Or do you just grab a tac and add to the endless pile?

HARVEY: It is getting rather cramped on there.

SAM: well where else am i supposed to get things i need help with

FARM LIFE: Sam, I watched you tac your mother's grocery list to the board and then skateboard away.

FARM LIFE: The general store was literally two steps to your left.

PENNY: No wonder Vincent says he’s the favorite.

SAM: my dad already thinks my music is a disappointment

SAM: why should i try and be any different?

ABIGAIL: ໒( •́ ∧ •̀ )७

ABIGAIL: you’ll always be #1 to me sam

EMILY: What about Sebastian?

ABIGAIL: hes hovering around 6 right about

EMILY: when did he drop?

ABIGAIL: at the same time he drove a knife through my back

SEBASTIAN: i was joking, you know that, right?

ABIGAIL: never joke about friendships

SEBASTIAN: would it have helped if i added a smiley at the end?

SEBASTIAN: ;p

ABIGAIL: 7 now

FARM LIFE: I’m trying to have a serious discussion here.

HALEY: You mean you’re just trying to shame us all

FARM LIFE: well maybe you should all learn to take care of yourselves once in awhile.

EMILY: Every request I’ve ever posted has been legitimate emergencies.

FARM LIFE: oh really???

ABIGAIL: oh shit

ABIGAIL: hes got receipts

FARM LIFE: YEAH CUS I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER DOES THE REQUESTS.

FARM LIFE: [attached image: exhibitA.png]

MARU: That just says she needed rainbow trout for dinner.

EMILY: I wanted it for a special dinner.

FARM LIFE: It was up for two weeks.

HALEY: Well maybe if you had caught it sooner

FARM LIFE: IT WAS WINTER.

FARM LIFE: RAINBOW TROUT IS A SUMMER FISH.

EMILY: Then what did you give us?

FARM LIFE: Oh I still gave you rainbow trout.

HALEY: But you just said you couldn’t catch them in winter.

FARM LIFE: I didn’t catch it.

FARM LIFE: I walked across the bridge to joja mart and bought a frozen one

FARM LIFE: you know, like normal people

FARM LIFE: also

FARM LIFE: [attached image: exhibitB.png]

FARM LIFE: normal people don't post stuff like this

ABIGAIL: (( ;°Д°))

ELLIOT: Oh my.

SHANE: Please tell me you took that down before Jas saw it.

LEAH: I’m honestly not surprised.

HARVEY: Haley...there are much safer alternatives than vegetables.

HARVEY: As your doctor I strongly recommend you swing by and pick up a pamphlet.

HALEY: I WAS PRACTICING MY COOKING IN SECRET

ABIGAIL: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ABIGAIL: is that what the kids are calling it these days?

HALEY: I JUST DIDN’T WANT EMILY TO KNOW

ABIGAIL: #PHRASING

ALEX: what’s everyone freaking out about?

FARM LIFE: innocent spring infant, never change.

ALEX: ????

FARM LIFE: i’ll tell you later

FARM LIFE: i don’t want to say it in front of Penny

PENNY: I know it sounds like she was gonna masterbate with it.

FARM LIFE: asd;lgfkjasd

PENNY: I am a full-grown adult and I work with children all day.

PENNY: I’m not a stranger to crude topics.

PENNY: Do you know how many times Vincent tried wiping his snot on me as a child?

ABIGAIL: kids are gross

PENNY: And adolescents are worse.

PENNY: He won’t stop making dick jokes.

SEBASTIAN: that’s probably sams fault

SAM: it probably is

HARVEY: Farmer, why is the board and issue? It’s not like you have to do them.

FARM LIFE: Oh, I don’t have to

FARM LIFE: but Lewis certainly thinks i should

FARM LIFE: he brings it up every time i see him,

FARM LIFE: like some sort of passive-aggressive mom at the pta bake sale.

ALEX: So that’s why he’s always trying to corner you at festivals

SHANE: i noticed that too

SHANE: if i didn’t already know he and my aunt were hooking up

SHANE: i’d have thought he had a thing for you

ABIGAIL: #suggardaddy

ABIGAIL: [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]

FARM LIFE: #gross

MARU: Oh shit it’s spreading.

SAM: don’t encourage her

SEBASTIAN: it’ll only validate her bad chat behaviours

ABIGAIL: “ψ(｀∇´)ψ

FARM LIFE: in all seriousness

FARM LIFE: can y’all cool it with the requests

ABIGAIL: y’ain’t getting any sympathy from me

SEBASTIAN: aren’t you overreacting a bit?

FARM LIFE: am i?

FARM LIFE:   [attached image: exhibitC.png]

FARM LIFE: [attached image: exhibitD.png]

FARM LIFE: [attached image: exhibitE.png]

FARM LIFE: [attached image: exhibitF.png]

FARM LIFE: My entire phone is filled with these.

ABIGAIL: (ᗒᗜᗕ)՛̵̖

SEBASTIAN: it was for a science experiment?

FARM LIFE: If you roast a can of Joja Cola, it’ll explode.

FARM LIFE: End of experiment.

HALEY: Alex!

HALEY: You throw tea parties and you don’t invite me?

ALEX: I swear that wasn’t me

MARU: Emily you work at a restaurant.

MARU: Red wine will never pair well with Joja Cola

EMILY: science experiment?

ELLIOT: Leah, you asked for a gold bar?

HARVEY: Were you strapped for cash?

LEAH: It was for an art project.

LEAH: I wasn’t begging like linus

FARM LIFE: Don’t you dare drag that man's name through the mud

FARM LIFE: [attached image: exhibitG.png]

FARM LIFE: He’s the only pure existence in this village

SEBASTIAN: he wanted flowers, so what?

SEBASTIAN: for all you know he could be cooking it

FARM LIFE: why do you care?

FARM LIFE: he’s homeless!

ABIGAIL: #checkurprivilege

FARM LIFE: again, lets get back on topic

HALEY: that last one was your fault

ABIGAIL: yeah, stop airing our dirty laundry

FARM LIFE: I am trying to run a business here.

FARM LIFE: I can’t have all my free time eaten up by taking care of all you.

FARM LIFE: They’re literally all addressed as “Looking for local farmer to help.”

ABIGAIL: and?

FARM LIFE: I AM THE ONLY FARMER WITHIN A 50 MILES RADIUS OF PELICAN TOWN.

FARM LIFE: If you need something from me, come and ask me directly.

ABIGAIL: too much work

FARM LIFE: Or here's a fresh and hip new idea

FARM LIFE: Learn to take care of yourself

SAM: what do you want us to do?

FARM LIFE: I don’t know, how about get a job?

ABIGAIL: （￣□￣；）

SAM: …

HALEY: No?

ALEX: You guys really shouldn’t take advantage of your parents like that.

HALEY: Like you’re one to be pointing fingers

HALEY: You run the ice cream stand one month of the year

SAM: and don’t you still live with your grandparents?

ALEX: I live with my grandparents because my parents are dead sam

ALEX: I’m an orphan

SHANE: wow sam, what an asshole

SAM: I

ALEX: And i’ll have you know ice cream man is a respectable profession

HALEY: Dusty could do your job Alex

PENNY: Jas and Vincent appreciate him.

MARU: I’ve noticed The Farmer certainly enjoys it when the stand is open.

FARM LIFE: don’t you call me out like this

MARU: What, after you started the group chat to call us out?

ABIGAIL: #hypocrite

ABIGAIL: (⌐■_■)–︻╦╤─

HARVEY: Maru, aren’t you working right now?

MARU: Yeah, which is why I left the chat in the first place.

MARU: But to be fair, we don’t have any appointments today.

HARVEY: You could have walk-ins.

MARU: The only person to ever walk in and buy anything is The Farmer.

FARM LIFE: That’s because my healthcare plan involves 7up and saltines.

ELLIOT: Same.

LEAH: Same.

ELLIOT: There are not many agencies that will insure authors who live in huts by the sea.

LEAH: Or artists who live in the woods.

FARM LIFE: or the nut job who dropped a steady paycheck to become a farmer

HARVEY: For the love of Yoba, please get health insurance.

HARVEY: I don’t want to have to tell anyone they owe me 3000g for a check-up.

EMILY: You’d think there’d be specialty agencies for you guys.

MARU: Anyways

[MARU] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]

SHANE: can i go now

FARM LIFE: fine, i’ve made my point.

[SHANE] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]

ABIGAIL: alright

ABIGAIL: now that the squares are gone

ABIGAIL: i would like to propose the CLC2017 revival!

ABIGAIL: (ી(ી(ી(ી( ˆoˆ )ʃ)₎₎⁾⁾ʃ)₎₎ʃ)₎₎⁾⁾ʃ)₎₎

[LEAH] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]

[ELLIOT] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]

[HARVEY] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]

SAM: i dont think its coming back

FARM LIFE: if you touch a single hair on that man’s head

FARM LIFE: you’ll never get another gift from me ever again

ABIGAIL: ｢(ﾟﾍﾟ)

FARM LIFE: but i’ve made my point so i’m gonna leave now

FARM LIFE: i’ve got fields to plow and seeds to plant

ALEX: but i thought we were getting dinner?

FARM LIFE: I know what I said.

ABIGAIL: #PHRASING

HALEY: I don’t think that works if it’s intentional.

[FARM LIFE] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]

[ALEX] has left [UNGRATEFUL FUCKS]

SAM: so i have a question

EMILY: Don’t we all have questions?

EMILY: Isn’t that what life's about?

SAM: no

SAM: how do i change my name like the farmer did?

EMILY: Oh.

ABIGAIL: its in settings

SEBASTIAN: emily can i come over and get some of whatever you’re on

[ABIGAIL] changed name to [GAMER QUEEN]

[SAM] changed name to [GOKU]

GAMER QUEEN: #NERDALERT