Work Text:
21 January 2010
Well. Erm... Ella asked me to do this. No, this isn't a good way to start... My name is John Watson, I was a British Army doctor in Afghanistan. Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers. Not that it really matters anymore, I guess. Well. I was... injured, and here I am. Back in London. My therapist told me to do this recording stuff so I can get better. I don't think I'm feeling bad, actually, I'm just bored. Nothing ever happens to me. The only thing that keeps me going is the name on my wrist, really.
This is only logical for soldiers to forget about our soulmate's mark. I mean... we're fighting and don't have time to look for this sort of stuff. I remember that Tom had a girl's name on his wrist. What was he going to do, in Afghanistan? Where was she? Nowhere. Poor Tom, this is sad. Anyway, the only thing still interesting in my civilian life is to try to find this... Erm. I can't really say his name even though I've looked at it on my wrist all my life. Ella, I know you're listening to this recording now, and I don't want you to try to find me a... whatever his name is. I know you'll try to interfere, so just don't, okay?
29 January 2010
Okay, you know how last time I said that nothing ever happens to me? The strangest thing occurred to me, actually. I met my old friend Mike Stampford, the one I met at med school. I told him I needed to move and he swore he'd make me meet a friend of his. He warned me a thousand times about his behaviour but... I guess I was curious. Having a flatmate could be good, interesting, even though I'm not the friendliest person in town. Well, I told him I wanted to meet this man, and he warned me again. John, he doesn't have your soulmate's name. Whatever, I'm not looking for someone to shag at home, really. God, did I really record this?
And now, this is quite difficult to explain. This man knew everything about me. His name is Sherlock Holmes, definitely not my soulmate's name but I don't mind. He's really interesting, I want to know more about him, but... I have nothing to share. How can I put it... He just looks at you and knows everything about who you are. He guesses. He deduces. That's amazing and obviously nobody ever told him! Why would you hate someone like that ? He's a genius, I'm not afraid of the word.
And that's how I'm moving with a perfect stranger.
31 January 2010
Oh God. I know this was pretty quick, but I'm now involved in a serial killer case. Sherlock is a consulting detective, which is amazing to be honest. He just helps Scotland Yard with his fantastic deductions, and I can add a few details with my medical knowledge. Of course, I'm a hundred miles away from his talent, but this is the best thing I could ever hope for. I will never be bored with such a flatmate... And we had Chinese. He told me he had no boyfriend nor girlfriend, which is quite surprising. Well, not really surprising, actually! Anyway, he thought I was flirting with him, what a ridiculous thing to say... I can't say I'm not gay because the name on my wrist is masculine, but... Well, I'll be gay for my soulmate, just my soulmate. I prefer women, you know.
I guess I should call it a night.
7 February 2010
The most wonderful thing happening right now is that I'm not forced to show this to Ella anymore. I like recording these so I'll keep going, but it'll be personal now. I can't believe we're having so much fun with Sherlock, it's not decent! Well, how should I even begin? We solved the case and I killed a man to save him. Why did I do that for a stranger? You may think he's a stranger to me, but not anymore. We've shared a lot of adventures and it will go on forever. I'm getting cheesy right now, let's stop there okay?
27 March 2010
It's been a long time, but I was really busy. Cases everywhere! Now I have a job, and I've met Sarah. Well, she's still not my soulmate but whatever. I've never met anyone sharing his name, not even in Afghanistan, and it's a really common name. I'm all over it now, I needed this soulmate story to keep going but now? My life is filled with adrenalin, I don't care about asking new people's names anymore. Sarah is amazing, I need someone like her in my life. Sherlock spoilt our date by dragging us to a case of his own, but it was... aaaah that's shameful! I have to say it : it was better than being on a date with her. Fine. I said it. I don't care. I should give her better date ideas so we don't need Sherlock to have fun.
Okay, she didn't have fun. At all. But I was tied to a chair and I did.
28 March 2010
This is ridiculous. I got scared because an explosion occurred at 221b. Sherlock was absolutely fine, but everytime I think about it my leg hurts a little. Crap, he's coming back, better hide this device –
2 April 2010
Ah ah. Oh God, I don't know what to say. We were trapped in a silly sort of game with this Moriarty crazy man. I had bombs around my waist, but Sherlock managed to remove them and make Moriarty leave! Well, not really, he had a phonecall to answer, but Sherlock helped me. I had to tell him that I was afraid people would talk, but I don't think I care anymore. He's fascinating. I shouldn't think about it, I'm tired.
9 April 2010
I broke up with Sarah. Nothing to add.
12 April 2010
I want to talk to him about... anything, but personal stuff. Has he ever had a girlfriend? What's written on his wrist? I have never asked, and never dared to stare at his hands.
15 April 2010
Okay, I did something really bad today, but I needed to know. I poured sleeping pills in Sherlock's tea and he didn't even notice. He sat on the sofa and fell asleep in no time. I... grabbed his wrist, God I feel terrible to say this, and what I discovered was awful!. He has a tattoo on his wrist, a mix of lines hiding the actual written soulmate's name. He has removed his mark by the only way possible apart from cutting his hand off. I have never seen something that felt so... lonely. He doesn't want a love story, he won't use his mark. This is so sad. What did I want to read there, anyway...
10 June 2010
Cases, cases... Girlfriends, lots of girlfriends. I don't know if I want to record uninteresting stuff. Nobody listens to it, anyway. I don't even want to hear my own voice so... there.
25 December 2010
Merry Christmas. Can somebody tell me where I could find a man named... Oh, no, whatever.
1 January 2011
I have to say that I hope to death that Sherlock's wrist doesn't say Irene. This woman was flirting with him. Faking her death, making him play a very sorrowful violin all the time... This was awful to witness. I hate her! I hate that anybody comes near him. Does that sound possessive? I don't want people to hurt him. He looks like he doesn't have feelings, but people can break him. Look at how he was with her... so embarrassed. He didn't want her around for love, just mere interest. That's it, just mere interest.
16 March 2011
I saw Sherlock cry in Baskerville. I didn't know I wanted to talk about it before now, but I actually do. It's been a few weeks and... he looked so weak! I can't believed he looked that weak... It hurt to watch him like this. I want to ask him about his wrist and help him. Maybe I could find the person he needs and he's be happier. Maybe? Maybe not. I don't think I'd be happy with it myself. When he called me his only friend, I was moved but... a bit sad. Can I say I'm sad? This is ridiculous, he's not my soulmate. Am I going to find my soulmate, by the way? If he's not here, I should try with someone else.
But nothing ever works with women. I'm breaking up with every single one of them. They always tell me I'd be better off with Sherlock, but I can't do this. He's not interested and I don't know if I am! I haven't thought this through. I don't want to think this through.
I hope he doesn't know about this device, oh God. I'd be screwed.
15 June 2011
I'm so angry at you, Sherlock! Really! You said you had no friends! I'm recording this in the cab leading me to you. This is so infuriating that I could easily kill the cabbie if I weren't recording this. Don't mind me and drive! God. I'm heading to St Barts. You better not be doing some weird stuff or I'll end you. I swear I'll end you. Mrs Hudson wasn't in danger, you tried to make me leave and stay away from you and that's not how I would define our friendship. Are you kidding me? Gosh, someone's calling. It better be you, dick.
16 June 2011
I'm home.
They wanted to... make me go to... f*ck I can't even talk properly. This is horrible to be there. Everything smells like him. I can't breathe. I just –
17 June 2011
It's even worse than yesterday. I woke up and expected to hear him play the violin. Of course not. Not ever again. I can't hear me talking about this anymore.
28 August 2011
I swore I would stop recording my thoughts but... It's important. I feel like it's important. In the middle of June, Sherlock killed himself. I don't understand. He told me he was a fake and invented Moriarty. I saw Moriarty with my own two eyes, his men put bombs on me at the pool! I don't believe a word he said on this roof! I go to his grave every week and Ella told me to stop going so often. I can't spend a whole week without him. I'm empty, I have never felt that hopeless in my life. I'd take a hundred bullets in my shoulder just to see him three minutes and tell him all of this.
Sherlock, you weren't the name on my wrist. That name is... I'm reluctant to say it because it's not a name that means anything to me compared to yours. It's supposed to be William.
I don't want to look for a William. I don't want anybody else. Ever. I l-... No, I can't say this. I-
20 April 2012
Well, it's been a long time. I thought I had lost this thing but I found it in an old bag while moving to Mary's. I think I have to move on. Sherlock is dead. I waited for a miracle that never came. Now my life is with Mary, even though she's not a William either. I believe I love her. She accepts the name on my wrist, I accept that hers is Charles. I don't know anyone called Charles so there's no threat at all. I don't know if I'm happy to move on, sometimes it feels good to stay in a sort of melancholy all the time. I know, I was depressed, not melancholic, but...
Better turn it off, I'm not living alone anymore.
23 June 2012
Mary has a night shift tonight. Being a nurse can be horrible with these sorts of schedules, and here I am. Recording at 4 am. Can I be honest for a minute?
I'm having nightmares nearly every night. Sherlock fills my head. I see his face all the time, even when I'm awake. God, I loved him so much... Maybe I need to say it properly so I can forget him and live my life, but how can I forget someone like him? I still love him. My life was... crushed. Mary is good to me but I can't move on. I'm so sick and tired of this situation. I didn't think I could fall for someone who doesn't own my soulmate's name. I was so naive, so bloody naive... This wrist stuff is bullshit. Everybody's having fun and marries people who share their soulmate's name but I'm cursed.
I want you Sherlock, I f*cking want you. Do you understand? Where are you? I was a fool, I should have tried to show you my love instead of just waiting and waiting. Screw this soulmate thing! Screw it! I could have saved you! Maybe you wouldn't have felt like a liar... Maybe you wouldn't have killed yourse- f*ck I'm crying-
4 September 2012
I'm absolutely sure Mary knows. I don't think I can hide how I felt about Sherlock that well. She knows, but she accepts it. I guess I should keep her, then.
25 December 2012
Merry Christmas. I hate you for leaving me. I'm drunk, I should hide this device and stop ranting.
1 January 2013
I see you in every dark-haired man around London. I hate this, I hate that I'm recording this in the restaurant's loo because I can't keep these words inside my head and just eat with Mary. I'll marry her, you know. I'll marry her and I'll try not to break down at the I do thing. I would have taken you for best man, you know. Hell, I would have married you instead. Sod this, Mary doesn't deserve to be treated like that. I have actual feelings for her, okay?
27 April 2013
I guess I feel better.
28 April 2013
F*ck no, actually.
11 July 2013
I had nearly forgotten about this device. Mary is making plans for our future, I think I need to rant a little. Ella was right, after all... I feel better after talking. So, where do I start? Mary loves me. It's painfully obvious. She looks at me with everything needed in her eyes. I guess I've always wanted to be watched like that. Is it okay if it's coming from her? Yes. Maybe. My memories won't change anything about that : Sherlock's gone.
But, what the hell, I don't want to live like this forever ! I want to forget him already, I want to move on but something's stopping me. Would it be better if I had found a William? Sometimes I think I should have stayed in Afghanistan. No Sherlock, no better life. I should have been sent to France or Germany, a new life without adrenalin and a fascinating flatmate.
Now I can say it : Sherlock, I hate you. You had called your skull Billy. Was it my William? At least his skull wasn't smashed to pieces on the concrete. You had no right to leave me. I would have understood. I would have told you it wasn't a problem if you were a liar, I would have followed you anywhere and you knew it. You told me you were sorry, but you weren't sorry. You left because something else was bothering you, and I'm dying inside 'cause I will never know...
This is unfair. You can't take my life and throw it away like that. Did you even think? Did you tell yourself you were going to break me forever? I'm so angry. Sometimes Mary comes with me to your grave. I don't say anything out loud but I curse you a thousand times in my head. This is not okay. This isn't how I thought I'd live my life.
Hell, I was a soldier, I can live on. But this is so meaningless.
5 October 2013
Greg came around and gave me a videotape Sherlock recorded for my birthday. He didn't go to the party but insisted in giving me that present. You were always a very sociable man, yeah. But there were behind the scenes stuff in this recording, so I watched it.
It hurt so much to see this. It was painful. You were the most human human being I had ever met, and it showed. I wish I had told you all of this earlier. I've... wasted my life.
26 October 2013
I'm recording this because I can't get it out of my head. This is embarrassing... Anderson has gone nuts. He's absolutely sure Sherlock is still alive somewhere, and he asked me for details about his so-called death. I can't bring myself to send him to some psychiatric hospital because his theories soothe me. That's awful, I'm letting him believe Sherlock is okay but I do know he dies in front of me. Should I tell Greg that Anderson talks to me from time to time? He would send him away on-the-spot. I don't want Anderson to suffer like I do, maybe that's why I tell him all this stuff.
But I shouldn't start believing him. Hope would definitely break me.
4 November 2013
I finally found the guts to talk to Mrs Hudson. Going to 221b was... no, I don't want to talk about this. Useless entry. Sorry.
6 November 2013
I'm proposing tonight. Of course Mary will say yes. I don't want her to say anything else. I have to move on, I have to. Everybody's asking me why I'm not marrying a William, but I don't care about their opinion. Even if she was a William... she still wouldn't be... God no, I don't want to think anymore. I'm proposing tonight, there.
7 November 2013
F*ck. I... how could I put this. I feel dizzy. Sherlock isn't... dead. I'm relieved, so f*cking relieved and angry. He told me Moriarty had to be stopped. Is that what I get after two years of mourning him? This f*cker sent me a text saying She's not called William. Of course she's not called William, and you read my wrist without my consent. I should be happy but... All that's left is anger. Just sheer anger. Mary's trying to comfort me, she's trying really hard, but I don't want to talk to him for the moment. I'm still too surprised to think straight, so let's focus on the work.
10 November 2013
Okay, I guess I feel better. I still haven't had that important conversation with Sherlock. He needs to know how much I suffered from his absence, but I can't call him and tell him all of this... can I? I want my brain to stop questioning the relevancy of my wedding. Sherlock is back but he doesn't care about me. How could he care, anyway? He left me. Two years and he just joked it off. I hate all of this. Can we still be friends ?
15 November 2013
Things are back to normal. Well, not really, but we went on a case and nearly died, so it's pretty close to what we did before Sherlock faked his death. I thought my life was going to end in this desaffected metro station so I told him I forgave him... I'm really lucky. I could have told him I loved him but couldn't, for some reason. Bless me. I'd be screwed if I had...
I hope we'll see each other more ofter, now... I'm kind of lost. Mary is really kind to me, but at the same time Sherlock is still stunningly amazing. He's lost weight, though. But at least he sleeps at night, that's what he told me. I also noticed he got one more tattoo on his wrist. I'd like to know that name he's trying so hard to ignore. Part of my mind wants to think it's John, but he would have taken me for his adventures against Moriarty's ring, right? Also... he would have told me. And yeah, the most important thing is that the name on my wrist isn't Sherlock, so he knows I'm not his soulmate. That's supposed to be reciprocal.
Hell, if that's how I feel about him, I hope I will never meet my William.
10 May 2014
It's been a really long time. I don't feel sad, just doubtful. Tonight will be my stag night and Sherlock insisted we should hang out in all the streets where we found dead bodies together. Greg said it was gross, but I think it's sweet. It's Sherlock's way to show me that our life was amazing- no, it still is. I can't say I don't regret hanging out with him. I'd like to wipe off everything and solve some murders all over again. Well, if we're lucky, someone will die at the bar.
11 May 2014
Holy sh*t, I have the worst hangover ever ! Mary's at work, I'm really thankful of whomever made her schedule like that. Okay so, first, we drank a lot. I poured more alcohol into Sherlock's beaker so he could get wasted... Yeah, that's not what you're supposed to do to your best friend. I'm a meanie... He tried to start a fight but I stopped him, even though it was hilarious. Nobody should hit my best friend, I'm the only one allowed to do that.
That's something I kind of regret, now...
Okay, next. We came home and basically slept on the stairs. I was so close to him... I should have told him I loved him, maybe. He wouldn't have remembered anything the morning after. What the hell am I thinking?! I'm getting married in a week! Okay, okay, let's not think about that. We then played in 221b and he thought I was smart, nice and that people didn't like me. Geez, thanks a lot Sherlock. I think I touched his knee but I can't really remember anything after that.
We had a client, Sherlock threw up, I was falling asleep all the time and we woke up at Scotland Yard. That's absolutely ridiculous but I regret nothing! I'm so lucky... scared or drunk, words aren't faster than my thoughts. I should have asked him the name on his wrist, he would have answered. Is it bad if I think he's in love with me? No, it's impossible.
Ouch, going back to bed now...
17 May 2014
I'm scared. Is that the best decision?
19 May 2014
Why did you leave the wedding early, Sherlock? Is it because I'm going to be a dad? I should have stopped you. Your face when you told me she was pregnant... Do you...? I should have asked, but it's scary as hell.
This device is filled with I should have. I also should have rethought my whole life before ending up like this. I can't leave Mary, she's pregnant. Also, I love her. Can you love two people at once? I hope so.
23 May 2014
Maybe I should give this device to Sherlock. No, this is the worst idea ever.
10 June 2014
Can I have a case? Please? Sherlock always tells me I have to take care of my pregnant wife. Sometimes, I see him for a cup of tea. Life feels a lot easier when I don't see him all the time, actually. I could go on like this. With the baby, everything will change and for the better. Mary told me we shouldn't call it William nor Charles because it would be creepy. I agree with her... Who's that Charles, anyway? Does she know a Charles?
3 September 2014
It's been a month since we've come back from our honeymoon and I haven't talked to Sherlock at all. I can't bring myself to take my cellphone and send him a Hi, how are you? and I don't know why. Is that the end of it? My new life really beginning with Sherlock? I've always wanted to forget him. I should cherish this...
7 September 2014
Are you bloody doing drugs, Sherlock? I don't believe for a second that you could get high for a case. And that Charles Augustus Magnussen... I won't let him approach my wife, even though I shouldn't care about that. Are you okay, Sherlock? Should I do something ? I said I would not get involved anymore but...
And this stoned guy, Billy. He can't be my William, right? That's proof that nobody should care about that soulmate's name stuff. I'm saying this for Mary, of course. Yeah.
9 September 2014
What the f*ck was I thinking. Why not going to a case, eh? You got shot. I was there, you were dying in my arms, you got shot. I don't even care anymore that you were faking a relationship with Janine, even though I got really... jealous, I admit it. You were so weak. I wish I could have had a moment alone with you in your hospital room, but Mary wouldn't leave me at all. Why did we go to Magnussen's office ? Why would you do something so risky, Sherlock ? I'm in pieces. That blood on your body... Not twice, for God's sake, not twice-
12 September 2014
My life is f*cked up. I'm currently at 221b, for now.
24 December 2014
I'm supposed to see Mary tomorrow for Christmas. The Holmes invited me. It's like I'm part of their family, I guess... I've spent the last few months taking care of Sherlock's wound, and I'm not ashamed to say that this is the most peaceful thing I've ever done. He's calm and not really bored, he understands that he has to rest a little. I wish we could do this forever. If only there wasn't the baby...
26 December 2014
What the hell... Mary just went for a walk so I can record this. Is that the end all over again? Sherlock killed Magnussen in front of me. Was it for me or for Mary? He told me to give his love to Mary. She shot you, Sherlock, why would you say something like this? Are we getting separated? You can't do this to me all the time...
29 December 2014
I'm waiting. They wouldn't let me see you, but in a few hours I'll be at the terminal to see you leave. They're sending you away.
This isn't how it was supposed to be. Can I say I'm broken? It feels so scary to think about that. I'm left alone with a pregnant liar... I still can't explain half of the things you did in front of me. How could you kill someone for the sake of my family and fake your death for a case? I don't know anymore. I just don't want to know.
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John sighed heavily in the cab leading them to the airport. Mary stared at him for a minute but didn't tell him anything. You're right. Do not talk to me. He didn't want to have that conversation. His feelings for Sherlock had become painfully visible since he had moved back to Mary's house. He knew he couldn't play the good husband's part so well, and the hours of silence at home were awfully long and hollow. His wife never made a gesture to take his hand. Good. He spent the whole trip looking absentmindedly through the window, lost in thought. What was he going to tell Sherlock? Too many moments already went to waste between them. I could have said everything a thousand times, and yet here I am.
When he got out of the cab, he found himself surrounded by policemen. Well, they must be Mycroft's. He nodded silently and followed them with Mary. When they reached the plane, he took her hand when he saw Sherlock standing on the terminal. If Sherlock had done all of this to save them, the least he could do was to fake his love for Mary one last time in front of him. Although he knew the detective would read him like a book, obviously...
John bit his lip when Sherlock requested a moment alone with him. He let go of Mary's hand, relieved but feeling his heart beat faster and faster.This is it. This is the last time I will ever talk to him. He became aware of the dryness of his throat when he tried to tell Sherlock he was sorry. Sorry for everything he hadn't understood about him. It's too late, better keep it in my head. Sherlock cleared his throat and explained him he was leaving for a mission in Eastern Europe. He's going to die. This is a suicide mission. John felt his heart drop. I can't believe this is the end. I don't want to believe it.
"Sherlock, I want to give you something."
John reached for his jacket right pocket and took out his recording device. He licked hi slips, suddenly unsure. God, should I really do this ? No, no more 'should I'. No more 'I should have'. Just do this and you won't regret it. He's never coming back, anyway, so do it.
"Please, keep it with you. Listen to the whole of it when you leave."
"What is it?" asked Sherlock, frowning.
"I can't believe you're asking me this. Don't you know at all?"
"I... I knew you were using a recording device, but I never listened to it."
"You didn't want to know ?"
"I did, but... It could have been a terrible situation for me."
John closed his eyes for a second and whispered :
"Does it have something to do with the mark on your wrist ?"
"What?"
"You..."
John, he's playing dumb for a reason. Don't try to know.
"Well, forget it. I don't want to raise more questions before you... leave. Just listen to it and don't judge me, okay?"
"Fine."
Sherlock took the device and put it in his coat pocket. He stared at John, sadness filling his eyes.
"I have something to tell you, so we'll be even."
"Yeah."
He tucked his hands in his pockets, really nervous. If he tells me he loves me, even the British government won't be able to stop me from getting on the plan with him, I swear. Sherlock looked really embarrassed, and that wasn't good news.
"William Sherlock Scott Holmes. That's the whole of it."
John blinked a few times, unable to speak.
"Wh...," he managed to mumble.
"William Sherlock Scott Holmes. My real name. I'm sorry, John."
John's eyes widened. He was horrified.
"Can you... just... no?"
"Goodbye, John."
Sherlock took a few steps towards the plane, leaving John petrified. He turned around one last time to tell him :
"Thank you for, you know, the device. That gives me another way to have something that belongs to you on me."