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How easy to was to tell one's emotions from the eyes. They could shine or grow hard, slit or widen. They could really do anything to signify feelings. So when Eren watched the cold eyes of Levi, he knew the man hated him, perhaps with a great passion. He knew the rest of the squad hated him too. Because Levi, Petra, Erd, Auruo, and Gunther never looked at him. Their gazes passed his own smoothly, never daring to look at the eyes of a monster.
For that is certainly how they saw him; for how could they not do so? Eren was a monster, a titan, and the very thing he truly loathed. And he was sick of it. He hated not being human, he hated the way his body looked now, all wrapped in an outer shell of skin, and he hated the inner shell of titan even more. He hated himself and he knew he only had to live until the titans were defeated because the court would never let him live longer and he was glad of it.
He was a time-bomb set at a sure date, except Eren wasn't positive when actually that was yet. He supposed it was soon. No one would let him live any longer than his usefulness anyways. So, would it be a problem if I killed myself? Surely it wouldn't be a problem if I am a monster.
Today the squad sat around the table, eyes averted. This was like every other day from when Eren had gotten there. The plates clicked in judgmental silence, none of the squad even daring to speak to each other when he was there.
Disgust was all Eren felt anymore. Self-disgust and a twinge for titans. His hatred even seemed to want to flee the pitiful body he called ownership of.
Levi eyed him with his fish bulbs, unblinkingly and stoic. It was vaguely terrifying and Eren reminded himself to keep calm. After all, he didn't know what would set his titan off. He ignored the fact he got angry hundreds of times as a recruit. The Survey Corps treated him like he could go off at any moment and by extension he treated himself the same way.
Levi finally spoke, chewing his food slowly and disinterestedly like he did everything else, "So… Brat, we're getting some visitors today. No clean-up duties today."
Eren believed the only reason Levi called him brat was because it was easier to believe he was less human with another name, but he had never asked and never gotten an answer. Otherwise, the news suited him just fine. Levi could put Shadis to shame with some of the cleaning duties from hell Levi came up with.
Eren didn't know what to think when he heard about the visitors. He prayed they weren't Military Police personnel, but he would have no influence even if he knew. He hoped no one was planning to test on him because he didn't want to know what they'd find. He didn't have a choice over that either though. Eren decided the best course of actions would be to just suck it up. He had a razor hidden in the basement if he needed to let off some steam.
Erd silently picked up all the plates and tableware, heisting passing over Levi who was still drinking his tea and hesitating at Eren's place. Erd reluctantly picked up Eren's dishes, having to bend over Eren as he did so. Eren supposed that was the reason for the hesitance, because no one wanted to get near him anymore. Except, of course, it seemed Mikasa and Armin were fine with his newly-found titan abilities.
An awkward bubble of quiet descended from hell itself and Eren fidgeted. Levi called out a reprimand and Eren ducked his head and quitted his young muscles. Even though he ached to go out and do anything, even basic training, none of the members had bothered with anything real yet. He hadn't even touched a piece of military gear in weeks. It was slowly driving him insane and it showed every so often, especially in times of rest between cleaning areas of the cattle.
THe door blasted open with a loud boom and everyone but Levi- who continued sipping his drink as if nothing happened- and a woman with narrowed eyes and glasses came marching into the room. It seemed to Eren like she had studied far too long on something; her eyes seemed in constant danger of short-circuiting or something. She zeroed in on Eren. "You must be Eren Jaeger," she strolled with a grace Eren wouldn't pegged for her. "a pleasure," she continued on, "My name's Hanji Zoe and I'm one of the squad leaders for the Survey Corps."
In her midst crawled in a blonde guy with an over-all exhausted appearance and two others Eren surprisingly recognized, the captain of the Survey Corps, Erwin-something, and the weird sniffer who Eren last talked to before his trial.
Erwin seemed to see right through Eren and he had to usually suppress a shiver in his presence. It was weird but the captain seemed to have an immense amount of intelligence and instinct, a combination Eren found disturbing. The man was likely able to put together everything about Eren and his life just from the gratification of having the two traits.
He exchanged a cool nod with Levi, who had turned around by then. He also dipped his head to Hanji, who began some sort of long-winded explanation for something Eren didn't understand at all. Luckily, he wasn't the only one confused, for even Auruo who generally wore a smirk and a cloak of self-confidence had an expression of mystification.
Levi clicked his tongue as he looked over his men- and woman- and said to Hanji in his drawl, "Four-eyes, explain in a language normal people can understand."
Hanji gave a short exclamation and started again but with a much needed clarification. "Oh, I was talking about the experiments we were going to perform on Eren today. You see, we have this well Eren can change in…" She droned on, but Eren had lost a remarkable amount of interest. It was hard to listen when he knew it'd be him going through the planned "experimentation" which would be classified as torture if it was being done to a human.
Erwin noticed his attention slip, but Eren assumed he wouldn't call him out or anything. It wasn't a huge deal to Eren because he was sure the squad would go over it again in a couch clearer form when they actually began it. But Erwin's eyes held a slight disgust, faint enough Eren wouldn't notice it had he not been thinking of the same emotion earlier that morning. In fact, Eren wasn't even sure that was what it was, yet it nagged him, tugging at his innards. He barely noticed his chair scraping the rough cobbled floor and his legs standing proud, his voice carrying the same quality, "Are you so disgusted by me?"
Erwin's eyes widened, his lips playing into what could only be described as a cruel smile. He stood up much more languidly than Eren had, his eyes cultivating that disgust until it manifested and he glanced down, away from Eren. Eren held his positioned glare on Erwin's face, his familiar pride swelling, an almost constant companion at his side since his mother's death. He didn't care he was challenging the leader of the most dangerous group of the military, at least to the titans. He didn't care Erwin probably could have killed him without drawing a weapon. His pent-up anger and loneliness and hatred bubbled inside for far too long, awakening only because he had failed to sleep for the past four nights, his nightmares becoming more and more violent. Eren hated reliving his mother's death, but he did on repeatedly in his dreams. And so, he was on edge. He wanted to explode, and who better to do it at than someone deeply involved with his predicament of being a titan.
Erwin made a noncommittal sound and he almost gently began to move towards Eren. He let one of his hands fall ever so gently down. Eren, unfortunately missed it was a signal to Levi, who began to move, instead focusing on Erwin who he deemed more of a threat. But Erwin would never get his hands dirty, as Eren bitterly recalled from the previous time, and Levi flew into Eren from behind, effectively cutting off any attack against Erwin.
"Don't move… brat." Levi cursed as Eren struggled. He hated being so chained, with destiny and with responsibility. He hated everything. Levi still pinned him down, his wiry arms loping around Eren's to prevent him from pushing him off. Erwin's cold voice resounded through the cryptic hall, the rest of the recipients having retreated to the walls to watch in breathless anxiety. "Are you happy now?"
Eren spat and cursed, and he could hear muffles of Erwin talking to Levi. The pressure suddenly loosened and Eren prepared to launch himself, everything be damned. But a hard-toed boot found itself in front of his path, a kick delivered much harder than the ones at the trial. Eren had hear the crunch of his nose signifying its break. Blood poured down his face and he blessed any gods listening it wasn't delivered to anywhere that would block his sight. It just made it hard to breathe. But Erwin, through Levi, wasn't done yet. Eren heard another short whisper and a hard thrust to the ribs cracked about three of them. Eren was near sobbing but he found he truly didn't so much about the wounds. He couldn't even feel them. A deep-seated amusement and ecstasy was rising in his chest and he laughed. It was broken, mostly because of his ruined nose, but it was a laugh nonetheless. It held no bitterness, no hatred. It was joyful. He could hear a disgusted snort before Levi pulled his face up, blood pouring his his nose. Levi looked generally confused. He turned to Erwin who was watching with his arms crossed, having not even moved from near his chair.
"Why the fuck are you laughing?" Seeing how Eren couldn't form a coherent reply, he repeated the question in bafflement to Erwin, "Why is he laughing?"
Erwin's low voice struck something inside Eren, something he didn't even know he had, "Because, Levi, because he's a monster."
Eren looked to Erwin then, saw the amusement too dancing in his eyes, and if he could've talked he would've said Erwin too had the eyes of a monster.