Work Text:
" I am not the only traveler
Who has not repaid his debt
I've been searching for a trail to follow again
Take me back to the night we met "
Sometimes,
Sometimes he wished he had died in the sewers.
Sometimes he wished that instead of having muck and grey water spewed all over him, he wished instead the clown had grabbed him and taken him away, snuffing the light of his insignificant, pain filled life.
Eddie pondered on these thoughts as he lay silent on his bed, starring emotionlessly at the faded glow in the dark stars on his ceiling, watching the smoke from his cigarette swirl and waft in the empty space around him. He could feel the tightness in his throat, but, he couldn't bring himself to care.
Nor could he bring himself to care about the clotted and sticky blood on his arms.
Eddie breathed a small laugh at himself, when he was twelve he'd never thought he'd end up like this. Smoking, cutting, listening to depressing music on his record player. He never had thought he'd end up as a depressed eighteen-year-old with a mind full of static and lungs sore from the deep inhales from smoking and sobbing.
If his younger self saw him now, he'd probably tell himself how bad smoking was for your health, how you risk infections every time you reuse a razor, about how his 'mommy' would lose her shit if she ever found out.
Now he never talked to Sonia. He moved out on his sixteenth birthday in a shitty little apartment away from her and her intolerable crying and begging for him to take his medicine. Medicine, Eddie thought with a huff; the medicine was only sugar pills. A placebo to make Eddie think he needed to depend on Sonia otherwise he'd surely die. Everything started to change after that bitch and the pharmacist told him what they really were.
First it started with standing up to his mother, then it moved onto rebelling. Eating a chocolate he knew his mother would have said no to, drinking alcohol with the rest of the losers, bumming smokes off them as well until he finally got a job to buy his own. Then it turned to purposely hurting himself. It only started off as biting his arm when he grew frustrated, but it escalated once he figured out how to get the screws out of pencil sharpeners.
Sometimes he wishes his younger self knew how hard he'd plummet.
Eddie snorted, coughing slightly when smoke when down his nose. He did a lot of wishing lately. He was torn out of his thinking when he felt a small buzz next to his head, his phones bright screen making his eyes squeeze shut. He groped around blindly for it, finally grabbing it and quickly turning the brightness down enough that he could open his eyes.
" Fucking idiot: Eds , you okay? You seemed down today at work ) : "
Eddie smiled when he saw his best friends name. Best friend? Boyfriend? Who knows. They hadn't really talked about it, but they definitely did more than most best friends would do. He thought about just typing out that he was fine, but he had a small feeling Richie wouldn’t believe him anyway. Richie always seemed to know when Eddie wasn't doing well.
" Spaghetti man <3: No. Can you come here? "
He rolled his eyes as his own nickname popped up in the chat, realising Richie must have changed it while he was on his phone this morning. He felt his phone vibrate again.
"Fucking idiot: Omw , need anything from the store?"
"Spaghetti man <3: Bandages please?"
Eddie shut his phone off once Richie acknowledged his last text, taking a deep breath as he snuffed the cigarette out on the ashtray on his bedside. He fell back onto his bed with a huff, staring blankly at the ceiling once more. He should get up and clean himself up, he knew that, but knowing that Richie would be here with him soon just... relaxed him. He let his eyes slip shut, the static in his mind turning into a dull hum.
----
Something warm dripped down Eddie's arm, rousing him from his light sleep; He could feel his arm sting as something damp brushed along it. He peeked his eyes open with a soft groan, seeing warm light glowing behind a mop of black curls.
"You look like an angel with that light behind you" Eddie croaked out sleepily with a soft laugh. Richie jumped when the younger boy spoke, looking up. The boys laugh stopped when he saw Richie's brown eyes glistening with unshed tears behind his large glasses, his cheeks dusted red as if he had been crying for a while.
Richie still smiled though, he still had a hard time letting himself be vulnerable.
"Geez Spaghetti, I get you can't resist me, but calling me an angel? A little bit gay" Richie snickered, dumping the bloody cloth on the ground. Eddie just rolled his eyes and moved his arm so he could lean up and cup the other boy's cheek in his hand. Richie leaned into it straight away, pressing kisses to Eddie's palm.
"Richie, I hate to break it to you, but we're both already gay"
"What! Oh god how did I not realise? What will Sonia say?" Richie gasped with fake astonishment in his voice, causing Eddie to snort and wrinkle his nose in disgust. He stuck his tongue out at Richie, pushing his face away when Richie tried to lean in.
The two of them were silent after that, Eddie helping Richie in bandaging his arm. This wasn't an unusual thing for them, they both relied on each other when they felt like this. Richie would come and help him clean up the blood and cuts, and just as often, Eddie would go over and help Richie when he was too hungover, or was going through a bad trip.
When the final row of bandages was added, Eddie took his arm away and reached out for the curly haired boy. Richie obliged, disposing of his glasses somewhere behind him and kicked his worn-out trainers off; Eddie pulled him in by his shirt when Richie hesitated slightly. He knew Richie got a bit frantic after Eddie hurt himself, wanting to look around to try and find the razors Eddie would use. There was no point, he never could find them anyway.
"Just come here, please?" Eddie whispered as he tugged Richie closer to the bed. The boy sighed softly in defeat and gave up the idea, climbing into bed with the other. They quickly assumed their regular position, Richie leaning against the headboard of his bed and Eddie curled up in his lap. The asthmatic boy nuzzled his nose against the crook of Richie's neck when he felt arms curl tightly around him, a cheek pressing against his hair. His eyes closed as he started listening to Richie's heartbeat, the gentle thrum beginning to ground him.
"Did you want to talk about what happened?" Richie asked quietly against Eddies hair, his hand started to rub small circles against Eddie's back. Eddie had to think about it for a moment... what had happened?
"Nothing," Eddie shrugged, pressing a kiss to Richie's jaw, "Nothing happened. I guess my mood just dropped, I think it was when this lady came into work with her kids, one of them asked me why I had a boy's name"
Richie snorted, hugging onto Eddie tighter, "That's dumb, there's no such thing as boy or girl names. I bet they had a stupid name-
"What, like Richie?"
"Oi!"
Eddie laughed into Richie's neck as the man pinched him in the ribs, making the younger flinch and press closer against the other. He felt Richie shake his head with a muffled laugh, going back to rubbing small circles with his thumb.
"I am sorry that happened to you, though," Richie hummed, pulling his hand back so he could take Eddie's chin in his hand to tilt his head up to look into Richie's dark brown eyes, "I know how that can really fuck up your day."
Eddie smiled gently and nodded, shifting his position to sit in Richie's lap, wrapping his arms loosely behind his lover's neck. Richie knew what he was asking for silently and dipped forward so they could share a soft kiss, lips slotting together perfectly, as if they were made to be kissing each other. Eddie's fingers slipped into dark curls, his short nails scratching against Richie's scalp gently. A low, pleasant grumble came from Richie's throat, almost sounding like a cat's purr.
They sat together like that for nearly ten minutes, wrapped up in their own bubble as they kept sharing emotion filled kisses. Their tongues would press together shyly, Eddie would nibble on Richie's lower lip but that’s as far as they went. Unsaid emotions poured into their touches, each kiss and brush of their hands saying "I wish you were happy".
It wasn't until Eddie started to cry did they pull away from each other. Little hiccups were caught in Eddie's throat and fat tears rolled down his cheeks. Richie frowned and leaned forward to press kisses to where every tear would fall, holding the smaller boy close.
"What do you need, Eddie?"
Eddie sobbed a little harder at the comment. They only asked each other that when they were intensely worried. When they didn't know how to help each other.
"I need you, Richie," Eddie whispered softly, using both of his hands to cup Richie's face, so delicately as if he would break if he held him to hard, "Please, I want you here. I need you, I can't do this alone."
Richie's breath was shaky against his cheek, stunned from the vulnerability Eddie was showing him. Eddie would beat himself up over it later, this wasn't how he wanted to ask Richie to be his. It wasn't romantic, it wasn't special, but god it was so emotional and it was just them, and he couldn't help the words that fell from his mouth.
Richie's lips were against his again, gently like before, but it was different. It wasn't comforting like the other kisses they shared, this one was passionate.
"I'll always be yours, Eds," Richie whispered against his swollen lips, "I've always been yours. As long as I'm here, we'll never be alone.
Eddie swallowed thickly and looked into Riches eyes, seeing the warmth and pure adoration shining in them. He hoped Richie wasn't lying.
"You promise?" Eddie whispered, looking to his lap shamefully. He had no reason to doubt Richie, but he was so scared.
"Cross my heart," The other said gently, leaning forward to press their foreheads together, "I mean, only if you let me call you my boyfriend from now on, that is."
Seeing Richie's cheeks go red make Eddie's heart skip a beat, but hearing him say the word 'boyfriend' made his breathing stop.
"I think...I think I'm more than okay with that," Eddie whispered back, ducking his head to kiss Richie again.
The static in Eddie's head was silent.
The boys were far from cured, they were still sad. They would still have their bad days. They would still fight, but they knew they had each other.
They'd always have each other.
" When the night was full of terrors
And your eyes were filled with tears
When you had not touched me yet
Oh, take me back to the night we met "