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It's another day.
Jihoon wakes up, tubes and syringes placed all over his body and a nebulizer to help him breath. He scans the whole room, eyes focusing from the light on the windows and not seeing even one soul inside but only him. It's so quiet and it scares him.
He presses his eyes closed as he feels his lungs narrowing once again. The doctors and his family believe that he's doing well, that he only needs a lung transplant for him to get better but what they don't know how these past few days, Jihoon's lungs feel like malfunctioning. Sometimes, it would make him suffocate and stop breathing right then and there. If not for the mask he's wearing, he had already been dead a few days ago.
He doesn't tell them about this. Whenever they ask what he's feeling, he'd just put up a smile and raise his thumb up. He can't speak, for his breathing is so limited speaking would cause him also to suffocate. His meals are very small and even put short just so he can breathe properly.
Nevertheless, the doctors tell him there'll come a day he'll get to speak and eat freely, without his rare genetic disorder getting on the way. Jihoon doesn't know when it'll come, though. He doesn't hope anyway.
Jihoon grabs the small pink notebook he has as his diary, written on it are all about his days being confined inside the hospital, hoping Jinyoung would read it one day. The notebook is the only thing that keeps him alive, the only thing that connects him through Jinyoung.
He feels his tears drip down as he tightly hugs the notebook against his chest, literally his life is holding on it. He clutches its texture ever so tightly as if letting it go would mean his life ending in an instant.
Jihoon suddenly hears the door opening, making him suddenly fix his composure. He wipes his tears away and quickly hides the notebook under his blankets. He sees Haknyeon coming in with flowers in hand, like every other day, smiling as he approaches him.
Haknyeon lands the bouquet of flowers beside Jihoon's table and sits down beside his bed, taking his hand as he does.
Jihoon flinches at the contact but he doesn't let it show.
If Jinyoung were the one to give him flowers, the one to hold his hand at this very moment, how would he react?
Jihoon isn't sure but he knows it'll be different from how he's reacting right now. Haknyeon's hold on him is warm, reassuring, and figuratively telling him that he's here, fighting with him. Yes, Jihoon appreciates that but he doesn't want fake assurances anymore, he's had enough. He wants people to tell him that sooner or later, he's gonna die, that if he doesn't fight and continue his battle with his own self, then he'll lose everything.
And if Jinyoung's right here beside him, he'd exactly tell him those, tell him that "Fuck, Jihoon, if you continue on acting like this, being weak and all it won't help you. Heck, it would even cause your death. Do you want to die already? If not, then fucking go fight for your life. For fuck's sake, this is your battle alright? So if you don't do this, no one's ever gonna do it for you." Jinyoung's voice got suddenly weak, surprising him. "But J-Jihoon, I, I'm always right behind you, o-okay? J-just, please don't give up... Please?"
Jihoon suddenly remembers how pained Jinyoung's voice is a year ago, how Jinyoung pleaded as if it was his life being taken away. All he could do is to cry about it, not knowing how he'd make Jinyoung calm down.
You fuck, then why did you give up on us?
"Jihoon..."
Jihoon looks up only to see Haknyeon standing awkwardly beside him. He feels bad for neglecting him so he comfortably sits up on his bed. He gives him a bob of his head, a sign that he's acknowledging his presence.
"Are you feeling well? Is there nothing wrong?" There is worry on his voice Jihoon doesn't fail to hear.
I'm not, everything's wrong.
Jihoon nods, he always does. He's good at lying, isn't he?
"Please tell me if you're not feeling okay, hm?"
He nods once again before getting his notebook under his blanket and his pen on the table. The bouquet of flowers falls because of that and Haknyeon quickly picks it up from the ground. Jihoon looks at him in the eyes to tell him he's sorry before scribbling down something on his notebook.
He doesn't want to come out rude especially to Haknyeon who even managed to travel miles for him but he just wants some time alone.
He gives the notebook for Haknyeon to read.
'Haknyeon, can you please leave me alone for a second? I just, want some time for myself.' I'm sorry.
Haknyeon nods at that understandingly, kissing Jihoon's forehead before leaving him inside. Jihoon shivers at the kiss and he's aware why he felt such thing. He just chooses not to answer.
He picks up the pen once again and gets the notebook from the table where Haknyeon had put it before starting to write about his day so far.
Entry #358: May 28, 2017
Jinyoung,
Jihoon writes his name again for the first time in that day. He's been doing this everyday, writing diaries and telling Jinyoung about his day hoping he'd give and make him read it someday. Of course, Jinyoung won't get to read it but he still wishes he does.
Jinyoung-ah, I've just woken up at exactly 7:29 in the morning. I've dreamt about you, about us again and you know what? We were so happy in that dream, two boys aimlessly walking in the cornfields with nothing but pure happiness etched in their smiles. How I wish we're like that until now but I guess the odds are against us, huh? But don't worry, we'll get there soon. I'll come just to see you again, like finally.
Oh, right, Haknyeon visited again today at exactly 7:39 in the morning, 10 minutes after I woke up. He brought me flowers and even kissed me in the forehead. Don't get jealous alright? I suddenly got reminded of how red your ears get whenever a guy comes near me. It was hilarious each time.
Though, I know I shouldn't be like this but... I wish you were the one who gave me the flowers and kissed me, though, nothing else. Can that happen again one day? Hm, Jinyoung-ah?
Hey, I miss you, where are you? Why aren't you here? Don't you miss me? Don't you, don't you love me anymore?
Jihoon feels teardrops trickling down as he writes those words. Somehow, he's overthinking whether Jinyoung doesn't love him anymore? Whether Jinyoung got so sick of him, that's why he left him? But he reminds himself once again that Jinyoung's the last thing that keeps him alive, if he doesn't love him anymore then all hell becomes loose and he dies.
Don't worry, Jinyoung-ah, I'm not crying. I know you still love me. I trust you.
Jihoon's grip on the pen tenses as some parts of his notebook are soaked with his tears. The will to see Jinyoung is so strong and he wants to be sure that Jinyoung still loves him. Should he? But he knows it will be risky. Sure, he can still walk properly but he can't carry all these things that help him breathe and survive somehow. Which means to see Jinyoung would mean death to him. But he wants to, he needs to see him as if this will be his last. He's dying anyway.
Jinyoung-ah, I've decided, after all these months, to look for you. I don't care if you don't want me to, this is my life that is at risk anyway. You're out of this. I know you won't want this but at least, we'll get to be with each other again and, hopefully, reunite.
Jihoon has decided he'd leave at midnight later, exactly on his birthday. He'd love to celebrate his probably last birthday together with Jinyoung. The thought of it makes his heart pound so fast, he'll see Jinyoung, no one else but him. After one year, he's going to meet him again. He wonders how would he act infront of him? Would he be shy? Would he suddenly attack him with hugs and kisses? That's so impossible.
Whatever it is, Jihoon leaves the room, together with a nurse for his daily check-up, a big smile portrayed on his face. The nurse also smiles at that, thinking that Jihoon finally is lightened up and doesn't want to give up any further.
She's wrong.
Jinyoung, I had a dialysis earlier and they just found out my lungs are getting smaller and smaller and it's worsening. They scolded me for not telling them about it but you know what? I don't feel sorry at all. The pain on my chest, they're so goddamn unbearable and I feel like it's consuming me inside. I just want to end things straight but I know I still have to see you so I'm quietly holding myself on.
I'm sorry, Jinyoung, I'm already giving up. I can't do this anymore. Everyday feels like I'm already at my peak, the frequent chest pain attacks, the suffocation I feel every second is already too much. But before I leave, I have to be by your side. I need to be by your side. This is so selfish of me, I know, but to die right beside you is just one of my dreams that I want to come true.
Jinyoung, I love you.
Jihoon really likes to play soccer so much. Whenever he feels the crisp of air brushing through his hair as he runs, ball on his feet, he feels free as if nothing in this world could smother him down. To love something you're so dedicated for and is especially freely doing it is something Jihoon is so grateful for, everyday. His passion and dedication for soccer is so deep but nonetheless, keeps himself together.
Things were going well for Jihoon's teammates and their opposing team. He kicks the ball back to Samuel, one of his soccer playmates, when he notices a young boy chasing him, probably trying to get the ball from him. Samuel catches the ball smoothly and Jihoon mentally praises him for it.
The game is so intense as everyone's so focused into it, determination running through their veins. Jihoon runs over to the goalkeeper of the opposing team, quickly backing up if ever the ball doesn't shoot straight on the net. He sees Samuel aiming to kick the ball towards the net and also sees the young boy earlier on his opposite side, glancing at him. He gives him a confused look before directing his attention back to Samuel who's about to kick the ball.
They all watch intensely and the moment the ball hits the metal rod above the net, it bounces back, causing for Samuel's teammates to groan. The ball is caught by the young boy and Jihoon puffs in disbelief when he didn't get it. The young boy suddenly kicks it and it was a wrong move.
The ball hits Jihoon squarely on his face, making his vision go black in a sudden.
The moment he opens his eyes once again, the young boy's face is the first thing Jihoon sees. He gets up, feeling his head ache as he does.
"Where am I?" he asks, looking around the room.
"You're in a clinic, Jihoon hyung." the young boy answers. "And, uh, I'm sorry from earlier. I was the one who brought you here, though. Are you okay now?"
Jihoon nods as he places his hand on his head, still feeling the slight pain on it. "I'm pretty okay now, I guess."
The young boy smiles, one that is as small as his face. "Then let's get you home now."
The fact that Jihoon and the young boy aren't close bewilders him for a bit. They haven't even interacted before but he doesn't know why he feels very comfortable around him already, like he has known him since before?
Jihoon learns that day Bae Jinyoung is the young boy's name.
He learns a month later that Jinyoung has been crushing on him since ages and has failed multiple attempts on hitting him up so he intentionally hit the ball on his face a month ago. Jihoon playfully hits Jinyoung at that, the latter wincing in pain. They've become close at such a short time and to Jihoon it was so goddamn surreal.
Two months after that, they started going out. Three months, Jihoon is diagnosed of pulmonary alveolar microlithiasis and understands he can never play soccer anymore. He's depressed for days or weeks even, with only having no one but Jinyoung beside him. Since then, Jinyoung has never even at least once, left his side.
Six months being confined inside the hospital when he finds out Jinyoung is suddenly gone, his heart suddenly stopped beating, felt like the universe unforeseenly pitied him.
One week when he started writing for Jinyoung.
One year when he feels the want to see him once again.
Hours passed like wildfire but to Jihoon, it felt like forever. It's only exactly 6:10 in the evening, he still has less than 6 hours to get out of this place. So he waits patiently, his fingers curling and fidgeting under his blankets as he does.
Guanlin, Daehwi, Samuel, Woojin and the rest of Jihoon's friends enter inside his room. He weakly gives them each a smile. Jihoon feels so nervous for no exact reason, but why would he be in the first place? It's not like he'd get caught escaping later. He just needs to plan systematically and in a way no one could hold him back.
They talk for a good few minutes which turned into hours. They happily greet him an advanced happy birthday and he smiles at that, his heart feeling light. Jihoon suddenly feels so sleepy but he stops the urge to do so. He needs to leave later and he can't let the timing pass.
Jihoon has known different routes inside the hospital, being confined for two years helped him a lot. He can even escape through his windows but that's plain stupidity. So, the only path for him to successfully get out is through the ventilation placed above him. At times like this, Jihoon could still put up a grin on his face, just as long as Jinyoung's the reason behind it.
His friends leave eventually when visiting hours are over. He's all alone now and he knows his parents won't come at this time so he's safe.
It's 10 minutes before midnight strikes and Jihoon has to move right now. Hands shaking, he carefully stands up, dragging the metal pole that carries his oxygenated blood supply and the small machine that helps him breath.
He makes his pace faster when he realizes he's too slow just to reach the goddamn door and lock it. Once he's done, though, he breathes in a large amount of air as he removes all the syringes and tubes that were placed on his body. It stings and he bites his lips at that, trying not to scream. It was all over his body and some are even on his chest.
Jihoon suddenly feels weak and dizzy but he goes on. This is just the first part. The second part is removing his nebulizer, which he believes would make him suffer more.
He's grasping for air like fish out of the water once there was no any mask helping him breathing. He clutches his chest tight, feeling the constricts of pain in it. He's already tearing up but that doesn't stop him.
He climbs on the bed as he reaches out for the ventilation door, throwing it to the floor. He grabs all his pillows just so it can support his height and reach the ceiling before he makes a big jump on it.
When all of his body got inside the ventilation, he quickly fishes out the flashlight from his pocket as well as the map. He follows the directions all the way out until he can finally see some lights on the other end. He quickly crawls his way out before finally getting to the other end.
Jihoon ends up in an area near the parking lot where there are no people around. He has no time to celebrate his luck for he knows sooner his body will give up so he starts walking away from the hospital and to the place where he knows Jinyoung is in.
It's past midnight and he's already cold as ice but he continues on walking. His knees are trembling already as the pain inside his chest doesn't stop. He feels so dizzy and he guesses it's the lack of oxygenated blood in it.
Jihoon's whole face and body are pale as he mindlessly walks through the empty streets of Seoul. There were almost no vehicles around and the people Jihoon could only see were street children and beggars. He tightly covers himself with the jacket he brought with him earlier as shivers run down through the hair of his skin.
Once he knew he's already at the place, he doesn't hesitate but to go inside, his hands tightly clutching his pink notebook. Though, the whole place is so dark he can't even see a thing, that doesn't stop him from going on.
With tears in his eyes, Jihoon sits down, finally collapsing on the ground. His heart feels so heavy, his head is spinning as the chest pain attacks inside him don't stop even at least for once. And if anything, it worsens each second that passes by.
No! I must get to him! I-I haven't reached where he is yet, just a little more... please, please...
Jihoon is a sobbing mess as he decides to just crawl on the ground instead, trying to drag his body as his hands lead the way. He can already see the place from afar and he smiles, hope and relief washing his heart.
10 meters closer to you...
Jihoon still has his pink notebook on hand and is thankful he didn't lost it along the way.
9...
8...
7...
He continues on crawling, his face and clothes already smudged with dirt but he doesn't give any damn right now.
6...
5...
4...
Each time he comes closer, comes his heart crawling closer to Jinyoung too. Just a little bit more before he sees him. Just, a little bit...
3...
2...
1...
Jihoon lays his head against the stone in front of him. He smiles in satisfaction as he endlessly draws in deep breaths due to exhaustion and tiredness he's feeling. His chest is heaving up and down as he hugs the stone so tight he feels like his heart is bursting.
He finally made it.
Jihoon cries, not because he's here already, not because of the prolonged agony he feels, and especially not because he's made it without him dying on the spot.
It's because, Jihoon, he's found home.
Rest In Peace
Bae Jin Young
2000.05.10 - 2016.05.29
Your soul and heart may have left us but in our hearts and minds, your forever loving memories remain.
Jihoon is smiling, the biggest and brightest he's ever had in the past months. He only smiles like this whenever Jinyoung is around and is with him. And now that Jinyoung is here, just right beside him, he has no more any reason not to smile like this.
He gets the notebook from the back and places it right infront of Jinyoung's tombstone.
I want you to read it, Jinyoung. You will right?
Though, he's smiling, his tears have not stopped trickling down since then. He's happy, he admits that after finally a year, he sees Jinyoung again.
He recalls the day when he discovered Jinyoung got shot straight in the chest by an armed civilian, who they later on learned was a psychopath who got out from a mental facility. It happened the night after they celebrated his birthday and Jihoon had never resented himself so much. He thinks it was because of him Jinyoung died and he's never forgiven himself for it until now.
He also remembers how he didn't get to attend Jinyoung's funeral last year just because of this fucking sickness he abhorred so much that he never had the chance to bid a proper goodbye to him.
Now, all Jihoon wants is to sleep forever and wishes it'd be right in Jinyoung's arms.
Jihoon closes his eyes as he feels another torture inside him. His eyelids are getting heavier now but his smile is back when he remembers again the day he and Jinyoung first met, the chuckles he gave when he found out Jinyoung has been crushing on him since they were only acquaintances of each other.
He still memorizes the way their eyes gaze, how their lips move in accordance to their pounding hearts, how their bodies press against each other whenever they cuddle, whispers of endless "i love you's" directed at each other's ears. To Jihoon, whenever Jinyoung tells him he loves him, he hears like it's not a confession nor a bold display of Jinyoung's love and affection for him. Jinyoung's voice whenever he sends Jihoon his 'i love you's' to him becomes melodies to his lover instead.
And Jihoon wants to hear more of that certain melody, no matter how broken it is right now.
Jihoon is aware anytime now that his death is coming, he can feel it right away and the only thing he wishes before he dies is to talk to Jinyoung. He wants to tell Jinyoung how thankful he is to meet someone who loved him despite his flaws. He wants to thank him for being always by his side. He wants to tell him that he's the only reason why he was still fighting despite knowing his chance of survival is futile.
Thank you, Bae Jinyoung.
And now he's here, he can finally tell it to him.
Entry #359: May 29, 2017
Jinyoung,
Jinyoung-ah, I-I'm here now. Yah! Greet me a happy birthday will you?! Anyway, Jinyoung-ie, I'm sorry if this stupid Jihoon hyung didn't come to see you on your last day. It's been one year since you were gone and I regretted it so much, I should've, I should've done something. I should've went out from that hell of a place and went to you. Jinyoung-ie, you know how much I am and still thankful that you came to my life right? Every second, every minute I spent with you was worthwhile, I-I treasured every moment so much and even if you're not here by my side anymore, you're still engraved in my heart, always.
Jinyoung, thank you for telling me that one must continue to fight for his life no matter what. Let not be anything or anyone be the reason to end it. Everyday, as I stare out the window of the hospital, I always thought of what you had told me and came to a decision that I should treat my life as if it's a precious gem and let not it be taken away from anyone. I understood it clearly and lived through it but as days pass, I suddenly didn't know where my life was heading or what my heart is still beating for? Why is it still beating? I didn't understand.
Then that's when I realized, it's not the frequent chest pains nor the shallow breathing I experienced everyday that makes life not worth living for me anymore. It's... you.
I need you, Bae Jinyoung, I really do. And to finally have you means I'd have to end my life now.
I know I won't have any regrets because everything when it comes to you is always worth it. You, are worth it.
Until now, my heart doesn't ever stop beating for you, Bae Jinyoung and I hope that one day, in another lifetime and in an another universe, we'll both have the happy ending we deserve together right from the start.
I promise you this, Bae Jinyoung so please hold on to it.
Thank you for everything. I love you.
- This is hyung's last entry, ever
The soft and struggling whispers of "I love you..." are the last thing Jihoon says before his chest pain takes him over, making him unable to breathe air anymore. The night is suddenly quiet, with only the noises of the crickets surrounding Jihoon and the tombstone where Jinyoung's body lies beneath, in the darkness. The air suddenly whispers something back, though, but Jihoon's cold and lifeless body lying on the ground wasn't able to hear it anymore.