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This is completely ridiculous, Remus! Why do you keep doing this?”
“I’ve told you. It’s just not going to happen, Nymphadora. Drop it.”
“No! I won’t just ‘Drop It’ this time, Remus! Why are you like this? Why do you always push people away?!”
“I’m only protecting you, trust me.”
“You’re telling yourself that that’s the reason but really you’re only protecting yourself! You’re being selfish!” Those words made Remus’ breath catch in his chest, digging deep, deep down into his memories to recover a time that he had once heard them, verbatim, from someone else’s mouth. It made his skin crawl. He had given into those words long ago and look at where that had gotten him…alone and broken and aching for the love of someone who didn’t even exist anymore.
Tonks stared at him, eyes still raging and determined as she waited for him to respond, already calculating her next argument to his impending rebuttal, but Remus had no words left and no desire or energy to try.
“I’m sorry, Nymphadroa.” He finally uttered, eyes downcast and avoiding her’s at all costs. “My answer is still no.”
He had left her then, standing in the the dark, drafty hall way alone as he turned and retreated to his room, slamming the door a little too loudly behind him.
I should go apologize…Remus thought miserably, hours later as he lay, curled up on the bed. He sighed. It must be late, now. She’s probably gone to bed.
He felt terrible about the way he had handled the situation with Tonks. Not just this particular argument, but the way he had been dealing with it from day one. She had snuck up on him, really. He never paid her much mind in the past, although in the past there had been other things to worry about - Voldemort’s Return, Reinstating the Order, Protecting Harry - and other people who held his attention - Just one person, who had always been the center of his attention from the time he was eleven years old, even after being forced apart for so long - until all of the sudden there she was. A smart, talented, quirky young witch who Remus had to admit had managed to sneak past all the walls he had put up, and awaken feelings that he thought for sure had died along with the man he always held them for back in the department of mysteries.
The thought terrified him. It made his stomach churn. How could he do that? Take those feelings that were meant to belong to someone else - someone he had sworn to by bonding their literal souls together that he would have those feelings for eternity, his soul mate - and give them to someone else just like that? Sirius had barely been dead a year. The room where Remus continued to sleep - probably out of pure masochism - still smelt like him, for Merlin’s Sake, and Remus was already considering…what? Replacing him?
He let out a pained cry, muffled by the pillow he had buried his face in, and didn’t even try to stop it from turning into a steady sobbing.
“Why are you doing this to yourself, Moony?”
Remus froze, but he didn’t take his face out of the pillow. He was sure he had imagined the voice. It wouldn’t be the first time. The house was old and Sirius’ presence was very stubbornly still lurking around every bloody corner and there were many times that Remus had thought he had heard a bark like laugh from another room, or a whispered nickname in the night. In the months directly following Sirius’ death, Remus would foolishly turn around, hoping to see the other man standing there, grinning like an idiot and telling him how silly he had been for believing he was really gone. “I escaped Azkaban, Moony. A silly old curtain wasn’t going to be a problem!”
But he never was there. Because this time he really was gone. Because Sirius was dead.
“Merlin, you look a step away from starvation, Moons. Isn’t Molly force feeding you? You really need to take better care of yourself, you know.”
Remus squeezed his eyes shut and burried his face further into the pillow. “G’way…” He groaned. He wished these stupid whispers of Sirius would disappear and stop tormenting him.
“No can do, love. Not until you’ve listened to me properly.”
Remus frowned. The imagined voices had never actually responded to him before. Godric I’ve finally lost my mind… Slowly, and while keeping his eyes cautiously averted, he dragged his head up, away from the pillow and he sat upright. He took a deep breath and finally allowed himself to look.
His heart felt like it had dropped right down into his stomach and he let out a shaky gasp.
There he was. Clear as day, standing beside the bed.
He was different though. He looked the age he had been when he had fallen through the veil, but as if he had never seen the inside of Azkaban Prison. His inky black hair was thick with the same beautiful shine he had been so proud of when they were young. His body looked healthy and toned and filled out, instead of too thin and wasted away and his skin was the same flawless porcelain it had been at Hogwarts before the years of being locked away had destroyed everything. Even though Remus hadn’t cared in the slightest that Sirius’ good looks had been tarnished by Azkaban - he was back and that was all that mattered - he had to admit that this Sirius was absolutely beautiful.
His heart ached. He had to be dreaming.
Dream-Sirius gave him a sad sort of smile. “Hey Rem. Looks like I went and fucked it all up again, eh?”
Remus blinked rapidly. He wasn’t sure what to do…Should he say something? What should he say? He supposed if this was a dream it didn’t really matter.
“Am I dreaming?” He asked, feeling rather stupid. “Y-you….you’re not really here. You're…you're dead.”
Dream-Sirius sighed and ran a hand through his shoulder-length hair. “It’s hard to say, really. I mean…I am sort of a projection of your mind in a way, mixed with some lingering energies and of course yourself.”
Remus frowned, a little confused at what exactly that meant and still not entirely sure he was awake. He was about to pinch himself to be sure, but then Sirius startled him by moving and taking a seat on the edge of the bed. Remus was shocked to see the the mattress dipped under his weight. Though he wasn’t a ghost, that was for sure. He wasn’t translucent and he certainly looked solid. Remus licked his lips.
“Why are you here, Sirius?” He asked, barely even whispering.
Sirius watched him for a moment, grey eyes looking forlorn as he seemed to drink in the sight of the man in front of him, knowing it was going to be the last time for quite a while. “You’re not taking care of yourself, Remus…”
Remus shook his head. “I’m fine. It’s just…the war, and being away on missions and…with the moon and all, I-”
“Don’t lie to me, Moony. I can feel you wasting away, you know that.” Now those eyes were staring him down, looking directly into his own and reading him from the inside out just as they had been able to do since they were seventeen years old when they had made a promise to each other and Remus had claimed Sirius as his mate, bonding them together for eternity.
Remus shuddered under his gaze. “You left me again.” He admit quietly, looking away as tears stung his eyes. “I just got you back and now…you can’t come back to me anymore.”
Remus very rarely allowed himself to cry, but this was only a dream, right? So he let the tears fall. A wave of shock ran through him when a warm, solid hand cupped his chin and tilted his face back up to look back at the Very-Much-Not-A-Ghost-Sirius. He felt so real. Sirius thumbed the tears away and Remus slowly lifted a hand and placed it over the one cupping his face.
“I’m so sorry, Remus.” Said Sirius solemnly. “I’m sorry for everything I have ever done that left you at expense. For that stupid shit I pulled with Snape at school…For switching with Peter and not telling you…For recklessly putting myself in danger when you told me to stay here and stay safe. I’m so, so sorry, my love. I hope you forgive me for that.”
Remus shook his head incredulously. “W-what? Forgive…? Of course. Fuck, Sirius I just…” His words got stuck in his throat as another violent sob threatened to take over. Sirius’ hand moved to stroke up and down his arm as he watched patiently for Remus to pull himself together again.
“You just what, Moon?”
Remus sniffled, wiping at his eyes and wishing they would stop spilling over. “I just love you so much, Sirius. I miss you so much. I..I can’t…y-you’re my…my…”
“Shh…” With that, Sirius pulled him into his arms, against his firm chest that was just so warm and real and - fuck, he even smelled real. - Remus clung to him, not caring if this was a dream or he was crazy or anything. He buried his face in Sirius’ neck where his nose grazed over the old scar that had been put there by his own teeth what felt like a lifetime ago; his mark, his claim on his mate. “I love you so much, Remus.” Sirius whispered eventually, lips brushing Remus’ temple. “I will always, always love you, whether I’m here or not, you understand?”
Remus nodded, not trusting his voice enough to speak.
Sirius continued to hold him tightly. “I need you to keep living your life, Remus.” He said after a few silent moments. “You can’t just let yourself waste away like this. You’re stronger than that and people need you here. Remus, I…” He paused and bit his lip, squeezing Remus a little tighter. “I need you to let go of me, love.”
“W-what?” Remus asked, shocked. He pulled away slightly, panic and fear and confusion making his chest grow tight. He shook his head. “I can’t! I can’t just s-stop loving you, Sirius, you’re-”
Both of Sirius’ hands flew up to cup Remus’ face. “Remus, stop. Listen to me.” He waited a moment for the werewolf to calm down before he continued. “You’re holding yourself back from something that could give you the one thing I never could…a happy life.”
“You made me happy!”
Sirius chuckled softly and sighed. “We were always meant to be a tragic love story, Remus. Don’t deny it.” he carefully bushed Remus’ fringe from his eyes. “If you really love me, Remus, you’ll go on and live your life the best you can, for both of our sakes and for James and Lily too. You spent far too long alone…I’m not here anymore. I want you to have someone who can give you all of that while I can’t. You deserve to have someone love you Remus. Stop pushing her away.”
Remus gasped and Sirius gave him a knowing smirk.
“I must admit, Remus, I am rather flattered that the only way you could possibly get over me was to move onto my own cousin. I mean, if you can’t have the real thing as least it’s in the same family, right?”
Remus felt his face grow warm and he punched Sirius in the arm. It felt so natural, like any other conversation they had ever had. Perhaps he wasn’t dreaming…
“I didn’t exactly go looking to replace you, you know.” He muttered, slightly irritated.
Sirius rolled his eyes. “Merlin, and everyone always thought I was the dramatic one.” He took Remus firmly by the shoulders. “You are not ‘replacing’ me, you daft prat. Letting yourself love someone else isn’t going to make what you and I had mean anything less, Remus. Loving Tonks in my absence doesn’t mean you don’t still love me, you understand that, don’t you?”
Remus bit his lip, leaning forward to rest his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “Feels like I’m betraying you.” he admit quietly. He sniffled and took a shaky breath. “I love you, Sirius.”
“You aren’t betraying me.” Said Sirius, stroking his fingers through Remus’ hair. “I love you, Remus. I want you to be happy. She makes you happy…or at least she would if you’d stop being such a self depreciating git and allow her to…”
Remus half chuckled.
Sirius pulled back and his hand returned to Remus chin, gently lifting his face up and pressing their lips together in a soft, chaste kiss that left Remus feeling suddenly lightheaded and sleepy and before he knew what was happenng, they were both lying down on the bed with Sirius still holding him, stroking his hair soothingly as he kept his face in the safety of Sirius’ neck. “Live your life, Moony.” Sirius whispered. “Be happy and love her until death do you part…and then you can come back to me for the rest of eternity. Can you promise me that?”
Very drowsy, Remus nodded. “I promise…” he muttered, lips brushing the raised skin of the mark on Sirius’ neck. He wasn’t even sure what he was promising anymore, he only knew that he was safe and warm in Sirius’ arms and Merlin when was the last time he had gotten a good sleep?
“Goodnight, Remus.” Sirius pressed a kiss to his head. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, Sirius.” He managed, before sleep finally took him.
Remus woke up to find himself alone in bed.
It wasn’t the lack of a bed partner that surprised him however, but the lack of dread for the idea of making it through another day. He felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from him.
It had to have been a dream. He thought to himself as he pushed himself up out of bed and got dressed. Still, our dreams to speak to us for a reason, I suppose…
He slowly made his way downstairs to the kitchen where Molly was fussing over making breakfast at the stove and Tonks was seated at the table, thankfully alone, and sipping coffee. She did not look up when he entered.
“Good morning Remus, dear.” Molly greeted him. She eyed him up and down and made a disapproving sound before piling a double serving of bacon, sausage and eggs onto a plate which she used her wand to float over to the table. “Eat, would you? For Merlin’s sake, you’ve all but disappeared. And I know, I know, you’re a grown man and you can choose to starve yourself into an early grave if you so wish, but I won’t stand idly by and-”
“Thank you, Molly, it looks delicious.” Remus smiled politely and sat down as Molly’s eyes widened slightly, surprised by his lack of argument.
She smiled. “You’re welcome dear.” She turned her attention back to the stove.
Remus ate in silence for a while before he glanced up at Tonks who was staring quite intently down at a copy of the daily prophet, though her eyes weren’t moving at all.
Remus chewed his lip for a moment. “So did the Harpies win yesterday’s match?”
“How should I know?” Tonks grumbled and Remus winced at her tone. He supposed he deserved that
“Well it’s just that you’ve been staring at the page with the scores for the last five minutes straight, so one could only assume…”
Tonks’ face turned as pink as her hair and she blinked rapidly, moving to flip the page and accidentally spilling some of her coffee in her flustered attempt to prove that she hadn’t just been purposely avoiding Remus. “Oh for bloody-” She growled, looking down at the mess on the table that was now dripping into Remus’ lap and reaching for her wand. Remus got his first.
“I’ve got it.” He said gently, waving his wand over the spill and making it disappear.
“Thanks.” She grunted, sitting heavily back down and crossing her arms. “Sorry.”
Remus shrugged. “Don’t be. I’ll get you another coffee though.”
Tonks snorted. “Thanks Remus, but I can summon the pot myself.”
“No, I mean…” Remus hesitated for a moment, working up whatever Gryffindor courage he had left. “I mean I could take you out to get some…the two of us, I mean…like, on a date.”
Tonks stopped and stared at him, eyes wide and jaw dropped just slightly in disbelief. Molly had also stopped what she was doing and was discreetly trying to watch over her shoulder without being noticed.
Remus cleared his throat. “I mean…if you want to.”
A slow smile appeared on Tonks’ face. “Sure. I’d like that.” She leaned her chair back on its hind legs, making Remus smile with some sort of nostalgic affection.
“Great. So how about around noon, then?” He stood, collecting his dishes and bringing them to the sink.
Tonks beamed at him. “Sure. Yeah, Noon’s great.”
“Good. I’ll see you then.” He smiled at her and thanked Molly before leaving the room.
As he headed back up the stairs he heard an excited “WHOOP!” followed by the loud crash of the girl’s chair falling from beneath her.
He smiled to himself and for the first time in over a year he felt happy.
Fin