Chapter Text
When I am baptized was Connor’s favorite hymn growing up.
It was the one his mother sang to him before going to sleep, it was the one his primary teachers liked best, and it was the one he had to sing at his baptism.
It was common that right before a baptism the attendants would sing a hymn, but Connor, loving the whole performance feeling, really wanted to sing solo. His mother was okay with it after he explained Sister Johnson had been teaching them the song on the last couple classes, and that he already knew it perfectly. Even though is father was a little more reluctant to the concept, “You have to be concentrated, Connor. Remember this is a very special day.” At the end, his parents ended up agreeing and his teachers seemed very excited by his idea.
One more week and he would be baptized, one more week and all of the sins he had committed in his short life would be washed away.
It seemed rather odd to him, that at eight years old he needed to be cleaned of all mishaps. But he was rather happy to see everyone so excited for him. His baptism was only day one of his journey to, someday, become a missionary.
Come next week he would turn eight, enter the Valiant 8, and be baptized. He was already buzzing with excitement.
Days were spent rehearsing in his room, going with his mother to buy some nice white clothes and praying to Heavenly Father that everything went alright and that he wouldn’t forget the lyrics to When I am baptized, as if that was even possible after days and days of rehearsing.
“Heavenly Father, I am grateful for my family, for Sister Johnson and for Maggie.” Maggie had been Connor’s best friend in the church since they were both very little, even though Maggie was two years older than him and almost leaving for the Young Woman’s classes. “Please make everything go alright tomorrow. I’ve been studying the scriptures mom told me about and rehearsing every day, I know you won’t let anything go wrong. I promise I won’t let my problem mess it all up. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”
The boy stood up and got into his neatly made bed, knowing that in a little bit his mother would come and say goodnight, as she always did. That night, though, both of his parents went into his room with proud smiles on their faces.
“Have you already said your prayers?” Asked his mother, sitting down on the edge of his bed and taking his soft hand. He nodded.
“We are so proud of you, Connor. And excited for you to keep growing and making Heavenly Father proud.”
Connor smiled widely at his father’s words and embraced his mother in a hug.
“I love you guys.”
“We love you too, Con.”
As soon as his parents were gone and his cheek touched the pillow, Connor closed his eyes and wished that he could easily drift into sleep, however, nerves and excitement were rushing through his body keeping him from fully relaxing.
And there was also that thing, still bothering him at the back of his head.
A kid at school had asked him if he was gay a few weeks ago, and at first he didn’t understand. He had heard that word on his father’s tongue at several family dinners, and not exactly in a very nice way. He knew that it was somehow wrong, yet he didn’t really understand it.
“No, why would you think that?”
The other kid just shrugged.
“I dunno, it’s just that you really like musicals and dancing and all that stuff, and my dad said that liking that stuff means you’re gay.”
Even if a girl from another class had told the other kid that what he was saying was very ignorant, Connor had still wondered. So he looked it up.
Surely he wasn’t, right? He was never interested in girls, being so young. But he was also never interested in boys either.
Still, something about that word felt very right in a way he couldn’t understand.
But that did not matter now, he was going to get baptized, he was going to make everyone proud, and he was going to be a good member of his church. He was sure he would be.
He drifted into sleep, with the calming tone of the hymn in his head.
“I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain
And ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again.
I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.
I want to be the best I can and live with God again.
I know when I am baptized my wrongs are washed away, And I can be forgiven and improve myself each day.
I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.
I want to be the best I can and live with God again.”
Everyone watched him in awe, he appeared to be the model Mormon boy and yet there he was, doubting himself. Wanting nothing more than to get into the water and feel the calmness he had been promised.
The following minutes went fast for Connor, time only seemed to slow down when he was getting into the baptismal font. He felt the warm water soak most of his body as Maggie’s father, who was going to baptize him, took his right wrist. He was glad Mister Thompson was the one who was performing the baptism, he had at least known him all his life.
He locked eyes with his mother, nervous. And only payed attention to the last words spoken before he was fully sunk into the water.
“Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen.”
And just like that he was breathing again, feeling exactly the same.
He still smiled, told himself that he was clean now and that he would choose right, that he would be a good son, brother, and a good member of the church. That one day he would become a missionary and help others with the word of Jesus Christ.
He should’ve known then, he was in for a very hard and complicated journey.