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Cutting their meeting short, Kravitz opens up an incomprehensible rift in time and space and steps through it, vanishing from Taako’s room. Taako doesn’t even try to pretend he’s not looking at the reaper’s ass as he disappears; sue him, he’s had a long fucking day saving the world again and the guy is gorgeous . Though relieved that he can finally collapse on his couch in his exhaustion, he’s more than a little giddy with seeing Kravitz again, the silly crush he’d been nursing since they met in the Miller lab flaring up again - meaningless, at the time, and he’s been far too busy to dwell too much on it but he does find himself thinking about the reaper, from time to time. Wondering what sort of person he is, behind the crystal bodies and the skeleton. He was handsome and Taako dug his accent, and then he’d appeared in Taako’s room.
He finds himself turning his stone of farspeech over in his hand, having just attuned it to Kravitz’s. Half of him is excited to have an incredibly handsome man’s number, half of him is reassuring himself that he told their story in such a way that Kravitz and his goddess shouldn't punish the people of Refuge for their deaths - he and Merle and Magnus can fight him for their own lives if it comes that, he figures, though he’d really rather not mess up that pretty face, but what happened at Refuge wasn't the people’s fault, he won't let them be punished for a little girl’s attempt to protect her friends. A third half (he’s never been great at math) is already planning their next meeting, wondering what kind of wine Kravitz prefers, wondering what kind of spells he could prepare against Death Himself.
Again, he’d rather not. Would rather meet Kravitz under very different circumstances, if you know what he means. And something tells him that it won’t come down to a fight, that Kravitz will be reasonable, maybe even amicable (it didn’t take a perception check to see the way Kravitz’s eyes lingered on him, too.) But hell if Taako won’t fight for them if it comes down to it, and he’ll win because there isn't really another choice.
He’s exhausted to his bones but he can tell without trying that he isn’t sleeping tonight. Not alone. He’s still not thinking about it all, really, everything that just happened, the full weight of it all. Not thinking about the deaths. Not for one second thinking about the Chalice. It will all wash over him like a tidal wave the moment he shuts his eyes. Rubbing his tired eyes, he stands up and leaves his room, making a beeline for Magnus’s. He really has ruined himself, can’t hardly sleep alone anymore.
As he raises his hand to knock the door opens. They stand there for a moment, staring at each other, Taako’s hand still raised
“Sorry,” he whispers, not sure what he’s apologizing for, at the same time as Magnus says “I was just about to -” and then he’s tugging Taako into a crushing hug that Taako returns, arms looped around his neck. Magnus buries his face into Taako’s hair, his breathing uneven, his hands gripping the fabric of Taako’s shirt too tight. Taako doesn't stop him. Wouldn't move from this spot for anything. “You okay?” Magnus finally asks, muffled.
“Course I am,” Taako lies. “Aren't I always?”
“Tired?”
“Turns out dying eleven times takes a lot out of you. Who knew.”
“Eleven. Fuck. I lost count, honestly.” He squeezes one more time and then leads them inside.
Magnus gives Taako something to sleep in after he showers, a giant threadbare old tshirt that smells like Magnus and goes down to his knees and he already knows he’s just going to steal this. As he gets dressed there’s a part of him that contemplates pinning Magnus to the bed and fucking him until he can’t think anymore, obliterate every thought of dying and of the memories the chalice forced him to relive. Ultimately though, he follows Magnus to bed, curls up in the crook of Magnus’s arm and lets himself be held. Every time he closes his eyes he feels like he’s falling. He is so, so tired.
“What’s fucked up - I mean, all of it, but like. What's real fucked up. Is how not fucked up I was? At the time?” Taako laughs with no real amusement, absently carding his fingers through the thick curls of hair on Magnus’s chest. “Like, the dying. Felt like just another day.”
“Oh my god, right?” Magnus says. “I thought I was going crazy. Because when we woke up that first time I was like - I just thought, okay, time to start another cycle, like I was used to it. Like it was nothing. Just kept moving. And I don't - I don't know how we could all just do that.”
He thinks about mentioning Kravitz’s visit - there must be a connection between these deaths and the others they’ve apparently escaped in the past, the ones they apparently can’t remember, there was that block of static in his memory - and what was that all about, how much is being hidden from him? Even thinking about that fills the corners of his vision with static, though, and he cant think about it now. With the giddiness that came with seeing Kravitz again still fresh in his mind he decides against it, he can deal with this alone. Magnus will just freak out, anyway, and Kravitz isn’t someone they want to pick a fight with. No, Taako can take care of this for them. He’ll tell them later, if it ever becomes important enough.
They do doze off, eventually, though not for long. Taako, in shallow meditation, is pulled back to awareness when Magnus begins mumbling in his sleep, he can’t understand him but he sounds distressed. And then he’s crying, quietly, his shoulders are shaking and Taako doesn't know what to do other than lay a hand on his back. Magnus has seen him plagued by nightmares plenty of times but Taako has never seen Magnus like this. It’s awful. “Mags,” he says quietly. “Just a dream, babe. It's just a dream.”
Magnus sniffles, hiding his face in his pillow. “I’m sorry,” he mumbles.
“Hey, hey. S’okay. Come here.”
He settles back into Taako’s arms, breath evening out as they lay in silence for a while. Taako holds his hand and notices something, isn't sure if he just missed it until now or what, a wooden ring on Magnus’s finger.
“This is pretty,” he says to fill the silence, tracing a finger over it's intricate carvings. “Is it new?”
“No,” Magnus says, after a pause that seems oddly long. “No, I… made it a long time ago. Really long time.”
“Never seen you wear it.”
“Usually stays under my shirt. It’s, um.” And then he sits up, pulling the ring off his finger and turning it over in his hands. He doesn’t look at Taako. “I should have told you earlier.”
“You don't have to,” Taako says, though his curiosity is killing him.
“I couldn't find it’s match. Guess it must have burned.” And then he’s crying again, trying to suppress it, and Taako just lays there and feels vaguely sick. It's not like he hasn't seen Magnus cry. Just the other day he cried about snakes (they don't have arms to hug with.) But this is so different, the way he’s trying to hide it, to stop himself. Taako’s not good at this stuff. Feelings stuff. But matching rings, ones he carved, its not hard to make a connection. He sits up, hands clasped in his lap.
“You were married,” he says, his own voice sounding distant in his ears in the face of this revelation, he doesn't know how he’s meant to feel, here, he pokes and prods at the ache building in his chest and still doesn’t know what it is. It's not as if he has a particular claim on Magnus, not like they’ve ever talked about what they do here in the dark, not like it has anything to do with here and now. But he hadn't known. He doesn’t know a damn thing about Magnus when it really comes down to it, and Magnus certainly doesn’t know anything about him.
“Her name is Julia.” And Taako recognizes that name, Magnus had said something about her to Kravitz, back at the lab. He hadn't asked, then, hadn’t even spared it a thought. “Was. I mean.”
“She’s gone?”
“Yeah. This tyrant, he took over our home. We fought him. And now she’s gone.”
“I…” What to say to that, what the fuck do you say. “I’m so sorry.” It doesn't feel like nearly enough.
“It's not your fault. Long time ago.” He rubs his eyes but the tears still fall, and if it was a long time ago something happened, something new, again it's not hard to make that connection. He doesn't have to, though, because the story pours from Magnus now, like a dam breaking, he tells Taako what the Chalice showed him. About the revolution and coming home and finding everything he knew destroyed, his family dead. About the offer, which Taako can't believe he didn't take. Taako doesn’t have a family, but for some reason he’s sure that if he did and they were taken from him he’d destroy whole worlds to get them back.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Magnus says, “I know I should’ve. But it still hurts so much.”
“You weren’t lying. You just didn’t talk about it.”
“That’s the same as lying. I guess I just… I didn’t want you to think of me any differently.”
And that’s too close to actually
talking
about what they are, Taako retreats, arms wrapped around himself like armor. Of course it’s different, now. How could it not be? He’s not stupid and Magnus is not subtle, he knows Magnus is in love with him, it is horrifying to think about. Taako doesn't do this. He doesn't
do this
and Magnus looks at him with such unbridled affection and he sucks it up like a sponge, he takes everything he offers and gives nothing back because that’s how he’s always had to operate. The only time he offers even a hint of it in return is at times like this, coming together the dark, when he needs Magnus just as much as Magnus needs him.
Magnus is in love with him, Pan only knows why, and the last time Magnus was in love she fucking died, o f course it’s different. Taako already doesn’t know what Magnus sees in him, what he has to offer someone so good and kind, how much has he damaged Magnus already without even knowing it? And the miserable, poisonous question that he doesn’t even want to think but it comes to his mind anyway -- how can he possibly compare to Magnus’s dead godsdamn wife? He hates this, he hates feeling so small and bitter and toxic .
“Do you still love her?” He doesn’t know why he says it or why he cares. Doesn’t even plan on it, the words just tumble out, quiet and strained.
“Taako,” he groans, hiding his face in his hands.
“I’m sorry,” Taako mumbles, face burning, ashamed. “Forget it.”
“How the hell am I supposed to answer that, what do you want me to say -”
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Yeah, I love her. I’ll always love her.” Magnus sucks in a breath, shallow and shuddering, and Taako wants to hold him so badly his fingers twitch. “ And I lo -- I care about you, and they don’t have anything to with each other and - god, why do you even care , it’s not like…” He cuts himself off, shaking his head.
“Not like what?”
“Like you love me.”
Taako opens his mouth to speak, to correct him, but nothing comes out, like his vocal cords are paralyzed though his mind is running quick with a hundred things he could say. They have never been so direct and Taako is utterly unprepared for it. “Magnus,” he begins, and stops, doesn’t know what he can say that won’t hurt them both. Magnus’s eyes are shut tight and Taako was right, he was fucking right, he’s poison, he’s only ever going to hurt Magnus, if he was a decent person he would just say he loved him, he would give him all the love he could take and he would fix it all, or leave this all behind before he takes even more from Magnus, but he can’t, he’s petrified.
“It’s fine. I get it.”
He forces the words out, hates this hates this hates it. “I’m - I’m supremely bad. With this stuff. It’s not that -”
“We shouldn’t do this right now. I can’t do this.” Magnus rubs his eyes with both hands. “I know we have to. I’m sorry.”
“Dude, stop. You literally have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one being an asshole.” He’s grateful, really, that he doesn’t have to stumble through this trainwreck of a conversation any longer.
Magnus sniffles. “You’re not an asshole, don’t say that.”
“I am though, like, objectively.” He wishes that letting Magnus fuck him into the mattress until neither of them can think anymore were still an option, but that ship has crash-landed for sure. “Should I - do you want me to go?”
“No.” The answer comes too quick and Taako sighs in relief, he knows he won't be able to handle being alone, not tonight. “Unless you want to.”
“I want to stay.” As long as Magnus will let him. He'd planned on being silent and supportive before he crashes and burns further but words are spilling from him before he can stop them. “You know I had a cooking show, right?”
“Yeah,” Magnus says, slowly, questioningly. Wondering where Taako is going with this.
“I ever tell you why I stopped?”
“You were tired of the attention.”
“I lied.”
And Taako tells him about Glamour Springs. About Sazed and his jealousy and all the signs that Taako should have seen but god he was stupid, stupid and blind, he’d loved being loved, being worshipped, even by a psycho. He tells him that he ran, shameful as it is, and of the years he spent alone and afraid, sleeping with one eye open. Tells him that this is why he doesn't cook for them if he can help it, and what he never knew until now: that it wasn't his fault, that the guilt that he carried with him all these years was for nothing - no, not for nothing, those people are still dead, but even so. When he’s done it feels like he’s digging at the edges of a wound that hasn't even scabbed over yet. Magnus reaches over and takes his hand and Taako takes what feels like the first full breath he’s had all night, gripping that hand back like it’s keeping him from floating away.
“Six fucking years,” he says, half to himself. “Only other person I’ve told was Angus. Don’t know why I did that.”
“Gods,” Magnus says. It’s almost a comfort that Magnus doesn’t know what to say, either. “Fuck. That explains a lot about you.”
Taako laughs and he doesn’t know why, and his throat aches and his heart aches he’s fairly sure there is no one else in his life or in the world who knows exactly what he’s feeling now, feelings he has no words for, no one but Magnus. “Why I’m so fucked up, you mean?”
“Well...”
“Yeah. Well. Congrats, you unlocked the tragic backstory.”
Magnus’s laugh is watery and weak; he closes his eyes and leans into Taako, forehead to his shoulder. “I’m honored.”
“You should be.”
In the long silence after he listens to Magnus breathe, and his thoughts can’t seem to land on anything in particular. Strange to have this secret out in the world, shared among three people - four, if you count Sazed - instead of festering, poisoning him from inside like arsenic. He’d never been caught, the chances of that were pretty much nil at this point, but he waits for the fear to set in, the need to run, to throw everything away and escape now that the secret is out. It doesn’t hit. He doesn’t want to run. Magnus knows him and Taako still wants to stay, and he wants Magnus to want him here and that, he thinks, probably qualifies as love if anything does. Well, fuck.
He still doesn’t know what to do with that, the responsibility of it, because Magnus deserves to be handled with care; there is so much potential for them to hurt each other, the two of them are all jagged edges and missing pieces that don’t match up. And he wants to find a way to make them fit, but how can he when he’s already keeping more secrets, the memory of Kravitz waiting in his bedroom a lingering specter at the back of his mind. How to keep this feeling from building, from blooming, hot in his chest and needing to escape? He keeps it there, for now, keeps it nestled inside ever growing, and holds tight to Magnus’s hand.
“Why didn't you take it?” Magnus asks. “The chalice.”
“It wasn’t my fault. Why would I risk all the people we’ve saved for that? For something I didn’t do?” It’s the truth but it’s still sour on his tongue.
“I wish I had,” Magnus says, and he’s crying again, and Taako aches for him, like every tear that Magnus sheds is wrenched from him too and gods, it terrifies him thinking about how much he cares for this man and how little he deserves this but he does, he does. “I wish I had taken it.”
“No you don't.”
“I could have saved her.”
He squeezes Magnus’s hand hard. “You can't fucking think like that or you’ll drive yourself crazy.”
“I could have saved everyone and I chose not to , what the fuck is wrong with me -”
“ You did choose to save everyone . That's what we’re fucking doing here! You can’t fucking change the past, Magnus, no one gets to do that, you saw what happened to Refuge. If you took the offer then you’d never have come to Neverwinter and taken that stupid job and I’d still be alone so just. Don't. Don't do this to yourself.”
Magnus pulls him into his arms, face pressed into the crook of Taako’s neck and Taako rubs his back, closing his eyes. For the first time since coming back from Refuge he doesn't see the ground opening to swallow him when he closes his eyes, he’s just here, with Magnus he’s safe.
“You did the right thing, sweetheart,” Taako whispers, lips brushing Magnus’s hair, and he holds tighter, nuzzles closer. “You did, I promise we did, I promise, I promise.”
“How can you know that?”
He doesn’t know. But it doesn’t matter, ultimately, the chalice is gone, good fucking riddance to it. It’s enough. Magnus shudders but he lets Taako hold him, they hold each other in the dark for a long time, and Taako wonders what the world would look like now - the lives those forty people would still be living - if he’d taken that fucking cup.