Chapter Text
“9th place, Pledis Hwang Minhyun”
BoA’s voice rings in Jonghyun’s ears every single day, haunting him as if the obvious absence of Minhyun’s presence isn’t enough for his heart to handle. His best friend is no longer right next to him throughout all his hardship and it hurts. He’s cried a lot of tears at this point that he feels like he can’t cry anymore. Jonghyun knows he’s not the only one going through pain. He knows that the other members miss Minhyun as well, but he can’t control himself. He can’t just suddenly feel okay out of nowhere.
“14th place, Pledis Kim Jonghyun”
He thinks about Minhyun constantly. He wonders if he’s eating well, sleeping well, and emotionally well. It was harder when Minhyun didn’t have his phone, but now he can message them from time to time. However, Minhyun is the type to tell them that he’s doing well even when he isn’t and all of NU’EST knows that. Other than Jonghyun, the other members think about Minhyun just as much which is why they watch every single TV show that has Minhyun on it. They want to make sure that Minhyun looks healthy and happy. They know what a real smile and a fake smile looks like and they know when Minhyun is stressed when he loses his cheek fat. It warms their heart seeing Minhyun do well.
But Jonghyun can’t bare to watch it anymore.
“13th place, Pledis Kang Dongho”
Jonghyun grabs soju out of the fridge as the other three members watch the newest episode of Wanna One Go. He vaguely hears that Minhyun is doing zumba with Sungwoon and Guanlin and gets a bit interested, but Jonghyun knows that if he watches he’ll end up bawling when it’s supposed to be more happy than anything.
The three glance over at Jonghyun at the sound of the refrigerator door closing, but don’t say a word as they know it’s useless to say anything or invite Jonghyun to join them at this point. They never bother to ask him why he doesn’t watch as they assume at this point it’s just not his thing.
The leader enters his room and pours himself a shot, sending it down his throat as soon as it’s full, the familiar warmness hitting him as soon as he swallows. He can’t bring himself to even smile as the thought of Minhyun being somewhere that’s not with NU’EST hurts, and despite not watching the show, he still feels upset.
He pours and takes another shot quickly, soon moving the shot glass away and drinking straight from the bottle. Jonghyun isn’t the type to drink often as he knows it is more healthy for him to talk out his emotions with his friends than keep them bottled in and drink, but he feels like bringing up Minhyun is a sensitive topic and he doesn’t want to bring down the mood in the team more than it needs to be.
If he’s honest, part of him is sad that Minhyun isn’t with him, but most of him is frustrated that Minhyun has become so distant with them that the only way they can really see how he’s doing is through TV shows, and they know just as well that what is seen on media isn’t always the truth. It’s isn’t like Minhyun didn’t speak only during Wanna One promotions, but it’s been hardly any words throughout his break time and promotions.
It makes Jonghyun so frustrated that he tilts his head and finishes his first bottle of soju. He’s usually not so fast with his liquor, but he doesn’t know why he’s getting so emotional when these thoughts have been with him as soon as Minhyun got his phone back.
“Minhyun-ah, how have you been? I feel like I haven’t heard your voice in forever,” Jonghyun smiles as he’s glad that he didn’t hear the call go to voicemail.
“I’ve been just fine,” Minhyun coldly replies.
Is there something wrong? Or maybe I’m just imagining things, “Ahh, really? What’s been going on? How is everyone?”
“We’ve just been filming stuff, that’s all.”
Why does he sound so unenthusiastic? Why is he not telling me anything else? “For what? That’s co--”
“Listen, Jonghyun. I have to go. Maybe we can talk later.”
Already? We just started talking! “O-Oh, okay. That’s fine. I lo--”
But before Jonghyun could even finish his words, Minhyun is already gone.
For the past couple weeks, every time Jonghyun tried calling or messaging Minhyun, he hardly received anything back from him. Sometimes, it wasn’t even words that Minhyun replied with, but some random KakaoTalk sticker that hardly ever related to what Jonghyun said previously.
Even during the few times Wanna One and NU’EST W had performances together, Minhyun tried his best to stay away from the members and not say a word to them. No visits in their waiting room and whenever they tried to visit Wanna One’s waiting room, Minhyun was never there.
Jonghyun couldn’t help but feel abandoned.
He tries calling Minhyun once, twice, but there's no response. Then, he looks through his chat with Minhyun and laughs to himself as he sees how many times he’s tried to contact Minhyun with no reply. It is the same even in the NU’EST chat, but at least in that chat there is four other members talking so it looks lively. However, between Jonghyun and Minhyun, it looks absolutely pathetic.
“Maybe he doesn’t love me anymore,” Jonghyun whispers to himself before finishing his second bottle of soju.
By now, the alcohol has already hit him, but he doesn’t want to stop until he can’t feel his emotions anymore. He doesn’t want to be mad at Minhyun. He wants to think that somewhere deep down there, Minhyun has some good reason to why he’s being so distant but he can’t think of a single one.
The others may brush it past them, but Jonghyun just can’t. He feels like his mind is just running in circles, trying to understand and not be mad, but the more he thinks about it, the more mad he gets.
“I just want updates on how he’s genuinely doing! Is that so hard?” the leader hisses, not realizing he’s speaking and not thinking to himself as usual, “It’s not like I’m asking him to send me nudes or anything scandalous! What’s so hard with sending a message back? Or taking 10 minutes out of your day to call someone you have said is the love of your life!?”
Jonghyun can feel the tears falling down his face once again. He breathes deeply in and out as he tries to calm down, but there’s no stopping him at this rate. On an impulse decision, he grabs one of the empty soju bottles and throws it onto the ground, making a huge shattering noise.
“What’s going on?” Dongho opens the door, wide eyed at the mess Jonghyun has created, “Are you okay? What happened?”
“Minhyun hates me,” Jonghyun whispers as he curls up into a ball, “How can he just abandon me like this? I don’t understand.”
Dongho steps over the broken glass and puts his arm around Jonghyun, “JR-ah, it’s okay. He doesn’t hate y--”
“Yes he does!” the drunkard exclaims as he jumps up, “Why don’t you leave me alone and continue watching TV show of that t-t-t-traitor!”
“Jonghyun-ah, calm down,” Dongho gets back up and rubs the other’s back, “the show ended a while ago. He’s not a traitor. He’s still a NU’EST member and he still loves you.”
“He. Doesn’t. Love. Me,” Jonghyun hisses as the tears still fall down his face, “Maybe I should’ve just been in Wanna One! If I was the one who made it in top 11, I would’ve never just left the people I’ve spent years in hardship with in radio silence! It makes no sense!”
“Don’t say these things. He has his reasons and we got to respect that. We don’t know what he’s going through right now,” Dongho guides the other to lay on his bed.
“Then he should tell us! We’ve been there throughout everything! Why not now!? Maybe being in Wanna One changed him, I know it wouldn’t have changed me if I was the one who made it. You guys mean too much to me to just forget like he did,” Jonghyun quickly sits up on his bed again, “You know, I had to lie to fans saying I’ll ask Minhyun where ‘Jju-yah’ came from, but how the fuck can I ask him when he doesn’t even fucking reply?”
Dongho steps back a bit, flustered as Jonghyun hardly ever curses, “You’ve had too much to drink. Just drink some water and everything will be okay in the morning. I promise you.”
Jonghyun scoffs, “You say that every single time and it’s never okay in the morning. The world doesn’t just suddenly change overnight. Everything fucking sucks and it--”
“Well, you know what Jonghyun, we’re suffering too! Maybe not as much as you, but we still feel hurt!” Dongho bursts out, “You only say what you feel about this when you’re drunk. You don’t even rely on us at all. I’m fucking done. Go to bed, Jonghyun. Or not, whatever. I don’t care.”
The main vocal quickly leaves the room and slams it shut, the echo of the door still ringing in Jonghyun’s ear as he slowly falls asleep as he’s not only physically, but emotionally tired.
“Jonghyun hyung, wake up!”
The leader slowly opens his eyes, his body facing the wall. He’s too tired to move, but he looks at the blue blankets covering him in confusion as he swears that his blankets were black last time he checked. The clean white walls also are different to him as he is sure that he’s left so many dents and stains on the walls of his room.
“Hyung! Come on! Get up!”
Wait, was I just called hyung? No one calls me hyung in NU’EST.
Jonghyun finally moves his body and turns himself around, surprised that he’s actually on a bunk bed, but more amazed at the face in front of him.
“Kim Jaehwan, what are you doing here?” Jonghyun asks as he backs closer to the wall.
Jaehwan tilts his head in confusion, “What are you talking about? I’m here to wake you up. We have a schedule in a couple hours and we have to get to the salon as soon as possible according to manager hyung.”
“Wait, WE have a schedule in a couple hours? Like, the two of us?!”
“Hyung, all eleven of us have a schedule in a couple hours. Did you forget?” Jaehwan shrugs, “You’re acting strange. Well, anyway. I’m gonna try to make some breakfast. Get up soon. I think the shower is open.”
Jaehwan walks out of the room and Jonghyun quickly gets out of bed. Everyone else seems to be gone, but he vaguely remembers who sleeps where if this really is where he thinks he is. He finds a mirror on a bed, who he thinks is Jihoon’s, and looks at himself.
This is me for sure. Kim Jonghyun.
Jonghyun sighs before quickly getting dressed as the bathroom was not open like Jaehwan had said. It honestly takes him a while to even find the closet in the unfamiliar bedroom. Honestly,he isn’t sure if the clothes he puts on are his, but he walks out of the bedroom as soon as he can to not waste any time, and sees ten other handsome men in the living room.
Kang Daniel, Park Jihoon, Lee Daehwi, Kim Jaehwan, Ong Seongwoo, Park Woojin, Yoo Seonho (for some reason?) Yoon Jisung, Bae Jinyoung, and Ha Sungwoon. But where is Minhyun?
“Leader! You were supposed to get everyone assembled 15 minutes ago,” hissed the manager, getting Jonghyun’s attention before he could ponder about Minhyun’s absence anymore.
Jonghyun quickly looks over toward Jisung, as he knows for a fact that he is leader of Wanna One, but everyone seems to be staring at him instead. He doesn’t think of anything of it and just assumes it is because he was the last one to get ready. With everyone joking around a few moments ago, he figures they were ready a while before he even got out of bed.
“I’m sorry,” Jonghyun bows, “It won’t happen again.”
“Good. Let’s go.”
The crowd begins to walk out of the door and follow the manager, but Jonghyun hastily walks around and lifts up the pillows, also looking through the closest cabinets but not being able to find what he’s been searching for.
“Wait, have you guys seen my phone? I can’t find it,” Jonghyun sighs as it is nowhere in sight. He wanted to ask one of the NU’EST members or even their manager what was going right now as he’s too shy to ask Wanna One at the risk of sounding stupid.
“Ha, nice joke, hyung! We got out phones taken away yesterday when we moved in. Don’t you remember?” Daniel laughs as he pats Jonghyun on the back.
The confused boy stops in his tracks and laughs it off, not wanting to question it any further, “Haha, you got me there. Let's go.”
Jonghyun lets everyone walk in front of him as he continues wondering to himself why he apparently moved into Wanna One’s dorm last night and got his phone taken away too. Minhyun also is also nowhere in sight, but Minhyun was never around when NU’EST even came to visit Wanna One’s waiting rooms, so he’s sure that there’s no issue there. The whole concept itself though made no sense. Did he drink that much last night that he can’t remember anything that happened?
“Leader! You’re taking shotgun!” the manager yells as the passenger door is wide open.
He stands there, dumbfounded as he looks to see ten members sitting in the seats in the back, all smiling at him like there is nothing wrong in the world. Jonghyun looks back at the manager and slowly climbs into shotgun. As the car drives, he stares blankly ahead of him as it has finally hit him.
I, Kim Jonghyun, am Wanna One’s leader.