Archive of Our Own

Hope™

The world would cease, it positively would, if he lost Dan Howell.

He didn't want to remember anything before him, he never wanted to know anything after him, and everything in between was everything. Phil's world was ending.

Screams are always louder from a voice you've fallen in love with. Somehow, Dan's were deafening. It was clear in his mind, even though he'd been across the world, what Dan had looked like. His mouth agape in agony, screaming for help as it danced around his ankles, begging for something to destroy.

Phil's heart stopped beating the moment he received the news. The Florida rain was pounding down hard on his skin, the people around him were speaking fast and delightedly, and then it stopped. The rain refused to meet his skin and the voices went silent. And then it was back all at once, hitting him like a bombshell. The rain was soaking his clothes and weighing him down, the voices were hitting him from every side as a singular voice turned his phone into a dead weight. Phil's knees hit the ground first, then his forearms, and his phone shattered across the pavement.

Despite the rain hitting it and the splintering pieces of glass sticking from it, he pressed it to his ear gently. "Are you still there? Please tell me he's okay!" Phil yelled into the phone, and there was a faint answer back.

"As his immediate emergency contact and primary decision maker, we ask that you get here as soon as possible. The police are salvaging what they can of your apartment. We're deeply sorry, Mr. Lester." Martyn and his father did his best to sit him down at a nearby gazebo, out of the rain, and his mum did her best to get him to speak. Phil's hands were shaking violently while he mumbled about getting to Dan, going home, and trying to get up. Martyn would push him back down every time he'd go to stand. Their flat, burnt to ruins, their things. Had they not been so digitally based, they'd be more at loss. But it wasn't the material loss, it was the emotional loss. That flat was their own, something they'd created together.

His mum put her hand on his knee and bent to look him in the eyes. "Philip, just speak to us so we can help you. What's going on?" His head snapped up to meet her eyes entirely, and that was when it set in. Dan. Dan was in the hospital. His Dan, his life, covered in burns and holding off death with weak hands. His Dan could be dying.

"I need to go home, Dan's hurt, he's hurt, he needs me!" Phil panicked, hands pulling at his hair as Cornelia handed Martyn the shattered phone. "The flat is ruined, I need to go home, I need to go to Dan." He shook, standing up and trying to run off. Martyn grabbed him by the sleeve, pulling him back underneath the shelter. "L-let me go, I have to take care of him!" Phil cried, and slumped back onto his knees.
Home. Home. I need to go home. I need to go to Dan, I need to go home.

Martyn knelt down beside him, his arms wrapping around Phil, trying to keep him from panicking any more than he was already. "I'll come with you, you need somebody right now. Let's get ourselves back to the house, then we'll get tickets back home- we'll get you right back to Dan." Phil collapsed into his brother. Martyn stood him up and the rest of the family helped get him to the house safely. Cornelia grabbed the essentials to make it back to England and his father arranged for Phil's other stuff to go back with them. Cathryn comforted Phil whilst Martyn ordered the tickets for a non-stop flight back to London.

Phil's shaking didn't stop. It wouldn't for quite a while, his world was crumbling and shaking him and knocking him over, his world was ending.

Phil watched out the plane window with terrified eyes. He needed to make it back. He needed to get there as fast as possible so Dan wouldn't stop trying before he could get to him. Phil's head snapped upward and his heart started to beat rapidly when the overhead speakers crackled to life. "There will be a minor delay for an estimated 30 minutes. The track is slippery and conditions are unsafe. Please stay calm and wait patiently, and thank you for riding British Airways." No, no, no, they, they couldn't do this to him. Not now.

"Ma'am, could you please tell me if there is another plane I can board to get home, one that's taking the flight risk?" He asked frantically, talking loudly across Martyn and Cornelia. "My, my fiance is in the hospital. Please help me get home." Phil begged, out of character. He wanted to scream and hit things and get home to Dan. The woman looked at him with a sad smile.

"I'm terribly sorry sir, but I'm afraid there isn't another way. I'm sorry for your circumstances, but you'll have to wait until the track is cleared for take off again." Phil's breathing picked up and tears flooded his eyes. He must look positively mad. Martyn pushed him back into his seat gently, apologizing to the air hostess and asking for a few things. Soon there wass a thin blanket draped over his lap and his tray was down, a coffee and a packet of crackers sitting atop it. Phil's mind was only thinking Dan, Dan, I need to get home to Dan.

The flight eventually took off, and Phil sits through it motionless. Under any other circumstance he'd have apologized to the hostess for being a prick, but he continued to let Martyn order for him and kept his eyes fixed on the window. The lights went down in the cabin, but Phil's overhead light stayed on. Phil examined the spiderweb fracture on the glass of his phone, running a finger over it gently.

I need to get home

*

They wouldn't let him in. Dan wasn't stable physically and Phil wasn't mentally, and Martyn and Cornelia didn't know how to handle him in this state. He still hadn't quit shaking, and he blamed it on the chilled hallways and ice water he'd been exposed to. He had fallen asleep for a while on the plane, but now that he was awake, all of his energy went toward his worry.

It was extremely Dan-esque of him, to worry so much. He couldn't fathom Dan's reaction if their roles were reversed.

Cornelia was resting gently on Martyn's shoulder when the doctor came out, calling Phil's name.

"Dan Howell?" They called, and Phil shot up out of his chair and moved quickly toward the doctor.

"Me. I'm- I'm his fiancé." He breathed, hands wringing themselves, fingers brushing over the ring.

The doctor nodded and looked down at his clipboard for a few moments. "I think this discussion is one better made in private. Would you follow me, sir?" Phil's nerves were bouncing back and forth beneath his skin, creating a buzzing feeling. He held himself still as the doctor lead him to a room and shut the door behind him. It wasn’t a hospital room, it was the grieving and comfort room. Phil was not comforted.

The doctor pulled some files from the clipboard and set them on the table in front of him. "I'm Doctor Donswell, I was the doctor on call when Daniel was brought in. I won't lie to you, I won't get your hopes up. He's incredibly lucky, but most likely in a lot of pain. He's got third degree burns and muscle damage in his right leg, as well as a broken clavicle and back. His eyes weren't damaged, thankfully. Normally in cases of a house fire this extreme, patients come out with visual impairment or loss of sight altogether. He had a wet cloth over his eyes at the time, and his face took the least damage."

Buzz. "Has he woke up then? Since he can see?" Phil asks nervously. His hands pressed into the chair below by his thighs.

Buzz. "No, we did an intense retinal exam after the initial treatment was over. We could only put him over a short term temporary a coma due to the chemicals for the treatment. While this means he will in fact wake up soon, possibly at any moment, he's going to be in extreme pain. It's your decision whether or not you want to bear witness to that, sir, but immediate family can over rule your stay until you're legally bound." Dan's family wouldn't do that to him. To either of them.

"Can I go back there now? I need to make sure he's okay." Phil questioned shakily. The buzzing going down, turning back into physical shaking.

"Usually we advise against loved ones seeing a patient that has undergone trauma like that. We can assure you he's under great treatment and he's getting the help he needs." Doctor Donswell assured him, but Phil shook his head, fingers coming out from under his thighs to wring around themselves again.

"Please, I need to make sure he's okay." Phil looked him straight in the eye and knew that Doctor Donswell was a smart man. No paper or examination notes would satisfy him. He would have to know for himself.

Doctor Donswell rose from his chair, shuffling the papers back into order. "I'll send a nurse back to escort you to see him. You can stay past visiting hours, but if his immediate family overrules it, you'll only be allowed in during primary, non-family visiting times. I'll be in the room with you and Daniel when you see him so you can ask any question you need. Also, I'm extremely sorry for what's befallen you two." Phil's hands made their way to his face, where he could feel tear tracks streaking themselves down his cheeks.

He took it upon himself to drink the water from the machine, and sent Martyn a vague text to get Cornelia home and that he'd be okay.

It seemed like forever until the nurse came to get him, and he buzzes.

The buzzing stopped when he walked through the doorway. It was eerie, seeing Dan the way he was.

He had a tube run through his stomach, mouth secured with a tube to keep him breathing. A bandage ran from his shoulder and across his chest, wrapping around his clavicle. The burns that were uncovered looked disgusting. Blisters covered the majority of his naked chest, purple and blue and red marking his skin.

Dan's face was red as if he had a sunburn, but much much worse, and his lips were chapped and dehydrated. His hair was curled and slightly singed, but not by much.

"I don't mean to be explicit, but they were able to get him out just in time. The report said they carried him out while he was aflame. The cloth I told you about earlier, it saved his life. If the fire would have taken hold of his head, he may not have been so lucky." Phil was shaking again as he sat down gingerly.

Dan had skyped him last night, complaining about not feeling good. Phil had been the one to tell him to put the cloth on his face in the first place.

“C’mon, stop being so stubborn. Just take your medicines and feel better before I get home.” Phil plead, trying to get Dan to do something about his oncoming sickness.

“And miss my chance of being waited on by you?” Dan joked weakly.

Phil sighed. “At least put a rag on your forehead or something, please?” Dan rolled his eyes at him and Phil huffed.

“We’ll see. I love you, tell your family I said hello, Phil.” Dan grinned, and Phil couldn't wait to be home to see that face again.

“I love you more.” Phil teased, blowing a cliche kiss.

Dan ‘caught’ it mid air and fell backwards on the bed jokingly, but soon sat up and laid his chin on his hand to deliver his final statement.

“Love you most.” The line cut out after that, but both of their smiles lasted, even continents apart.

Had Dan been stubborn like he'd talked over the chat, Dan might’ve been sitting in a different part of the hospital.

Upon sight, Dan's upturned hands weren't burned as bad. Phil looked at the doctor who was sorting out papers and typing on the computer across the room.

"Is it safe to hold his hand? Or like, kiss him- I'm sorry, this is probably absurd." Phil shook his head at himself, hands tucking themselves back under his thighs to refrain from grabbing his hand. His body was desperate just to feel Dan's soft skin.

"It's not the most absurd thing I've been asked,” the doctor replied. “I'd refrain from moving him too much. It could irritate the cuts and burns."

Phil's eyes moved to the doctor. "Cuts?"

"Yes, that was the worst of the injuries, surprisingly. The foundation was cracking and part of the ceiling collapsed onto him. That's why we have his collarbone taped up and wrapped. His back, if you move the blanket gently, has a temporary brace. But his burns are still severe. He was just lucky enough to be rescued when he was." Phil's shaky hand reached out gently.

His palm glided along Dan's until he could gently wind their fingers together. Dan's hands were still smooth, though dry, and Phil was careful not to move them when he leaned his head down and began to cry. He cried for Dan, for the suffering he endured. He cried because he was so lonely, and Dan was usually there to comfort him in times like these, to give him hope.

He had to have it for Dan this time.

"I'll be off, then. Emergency button is beside the bed." Phil looked up suddenly, realising there was an unasked, unanswered question.

"Wait, what- what caused the fire? Were the other flats beside us harmed?"

"That's all in the police report. It's taped off at the moment, as far as I'm aware." Phil nodded and turned back to Dan before hearing a faint rustling sound. "Oh, and here's this. You've got the clear from me to put it back on him." A clear package holding a golden band was pressed into his other palm.

Phil felt a hand pat his back and then the door shut softly. Phil extracted the ring from the little package. It had some scratches on it, but was still shining. Phil slid it gently onto Dan's finger.

He sighed, pressing his lips to Dan's hand. "Please wake up."

*

Dan's family showed up as soon as they could. Phil let Dan's hand go long enough for Dan's mum to hold onto it and cry. Dan's father sat beside the bed and stared while his brother stood beside Phil, watching silently over his shoulder.

The visit was eerie, the only sounds were of their breathing, quiet sobs, and Dan's machines humming and beeping. Dan's mum sat beside the bedside, whispering unintelligible things until his father, Derek, decided that they should go back to the hotel. Phil only had few experiences where he was alone with Dan’s father. Dan was normally attached at his hip and babbling on about something adorable while they were with his family.

"What did they tell you? They wouldn't release all of the information to us because we weren't his primary contact and emergency contacts." The man asked, startling Phil, who was staring at Dan's red, burnt arms. "Not that I mind, you, um, you're a great lad, Phil." He said awkwardly, coughing and looking back at his son. Phil could see where he got things from his mum and his dad alike. He had his mum’s brown hair and dimples, but he was a lot more like his father. Dan and Derek held the same brown eyes, though Dan's were far more stunning. Derek's hair was naturally wavy, but Dan's must have developed the curls from him. They shared a laugh and a nose, both naturally quiet unless for their job. Derek had long since abandoned being a DJ to work on movie sets full time.

But Dan was not Derek, he was Dan. Steller, beautiful Dan.

"They said that he's got some 3rd degree burns and muscle damage in his leg. He's got some broken bones as well. He'll be going through physical therapy for quite a while, lots of check ups. We'll have to find a new flat of course, one that we can have better access with. He's got a couple large scratches from the foundation collapsing." Phil restated numbly. He'd barely thought about their flat until just then.

Derek hummed to himself and turned to Phil. "Have you gone by? Seen any of the damage?" Phil shook his head. He hadn't thought about leaving Dan once. "How about we head over. Did you all have anything down in storage or was it all in your flat?" Derek stood, motioning for Phil to stand with him. Phil moved slowly out the door, almost afraid that Dan would wake without him.

"We put a lot of stuff in storage. We've been talking about moving for a while, so we thought it would be easier to put our valuables in a place where open house visitors couldn't get to them. Dan always gets really worried about that stuff, being presentable." Phil spoke fast and fondly, his eyes are staring blankly ahead, walking a familiar route. "We're actually in the process of buying the new flat. Wretched timing, isn't it?"

They walked for a while, deciding it would be good for them and for Phil to get fresh air. It was long, but the ache in his chest outweighed the one in his legs.

When they got to their destination, Phil stumbled back a few steps. They'd barely turned the corner but he could see the hole in the rows of houses. It was a black and empty void.

He felt like being sick right there on the pavement. There were little bits of color where the foundation used to be, and a bit of glass on one side, which he could only presume was either a window or a chandelier. The police nearby were guarding the place, worried civilians and one of his neighbors talking to them, a dog at their side.

"Sir, you can't cross this line." An officer said to him. He was dazed for a minute before Derek nudged him.

"I'm- I'm Phil Lester. This was my apartment. Ask them, we're neighbors." At that moment, his neighbor caught his eye, walking over and cutting his conversation with the other officer short.

"I tried to get ahold of you but I had to get out. I'm so sorry. It was the apartment to the right of yours. Their fireplace caught a painting on their mantle." He hadn’t spoken to this neighbor hardly, the one with the dog. "How is he, your partner?" He asked carefully, looking down at Phil's ring.

"Stable." Phil didn't say much more, answering questions with one word answers and looking carefully over the rubble. There were so many metal pieces and things laying around that his mind could only imagine their previous figure. That red and charred fabric could’ve been from the arm chair in the office. The metal surrounded by glass could’ve been his television. The orange plastic, warped, must have been a chair. Their bedsheets, photos, fridge creatures, their house itself, was all gone and forgotten.

After a while, Derek turned to Phil and carefully grabbed his arm, pulling him away from the wreckage. "Let's get you back to Dan." Phil's mind was still caught up on the sight of the flat in rubble. Simple memories caught in charred objects. Derek tugged him away.

After one final look, they turned the corner and made the walk back toward the hospital. Then it hits him— he wasn't upset that the flat itself was gone, or that the fire destroyed some of their things permanently. Phil was upset because the fire had nearly taken away his home. The fire had nearly taken away his Dan.

*

It was three days later when a call from one of their friends came through. Phil pressed it without looking at the I.D., careful to avoid the shattered pieces of glass hanging off of the top of the phone.

"Hello?" He asked, void of cheer or excitement. It's not that he was angered by their call or annoyed. He just couldn't claim true happiness until those brilliant brown eyes opened up again.

"Philip! I couldn't get a hold of Dan. I caught a taxi and went by your flat and it was gone. I was worried out of my mind. Are you alright?" Louise was speaking loudly and swiftly. Oh. They'd need to get Dan a new phone, and presumably many more things.

Phil didn't know how to respond. "I-I, I'm fine. I was in Orlando, a family vacation before the wedding." Louise was a smart girl, she knew when to look deeper for an answer.

There was silence, and then a slight gasp. "And Dan?" Another silence from Phil's end. It was like they were standing still in time, every second seemed like five.

"He's hurt, really bad Louise. There was a fire," The rest of their conversation went by in a blur, and soon, she's hanging up with intent to help them.

Phil sighed, laying his head on his arms which were on Dan's bed.

"Wake up." Phil commands simply.

He doesn't.

*

Brown eyes meet blue a few hours later. Doctors were swarming Dan, but Phil was right there, not leaving. He cried, but no noise came out, mouthing 'Phil.’ Phil gently squeezed his hand in return, trying to calm him.

Doctors slowly left as his vitals leveled out, and nurses busied themselves by applying burn medication and ointment where it was due.

"We have to turn you over to apply medicine and release pressure on the burns on your back." Dan was gasping for air, presumably in pain, and Phil's vision became blurred with tears. Phil dropped Dan's hand regrettably and put one hand over his mouth and the other around his stomach as he listened to Dan's whimpers and sobs when they turned him. By the time they finished, Dan passed out again out of pure pain. Phil could't help but be angry at them for taking away his favourite pair of eyes again.

Phil was there when he wakes up after they turned him once more. Dan was sweating, and Phil gently put a cup to Dan's lips. Dan gulped it all down greedily, and laid his head back with a wince, closing his eyes.

"Phil," Dan spoke hoarsely. Phil leaned in, waiting. "Phil." He said again, and his eyes are shining over with tears. In a split second Phil's shirt was in Dan's fists, and Phil's arms were gently wrapping around Dan, trying not to disturb the wires and bandages.

"I'm sorry, I'll never leave you again. Never. I shouldn't have left you, you should have been with me." Phil murmured into his hair.

Dan's tears slow down, and soon he was breathing heavily against Phil's chest. "Our stuff."

"It's okay, we can buy more."

"All of it?"

"Yeah."

Dan looked down at his gown and the bandage poking out of it. "It was actually collapsing. After all those jokes I made I guess it was due—" Phil's vision became blurry once more and he started shaking his head rapidly.

"Don't- don't say that. You, it's not your fault. You're supposed to be alive, I-I," Dan stopped him suddenly, ripping his hand away from Phil's and reaching up to his own mouth.
Phil was confused until liquid spilled out from behind Dan's hand. Phil moved quickly, getting the nearest thing— a bed pan— which was being used to keep Dan mostly clean. Phil pressed the red button, and rubbed Dan unburnt shoulder. A nurse came in, and Phil pulls away to find a rag to clean off Dan's hand.

Once Dan stopped throwing up, Phil grabbed his wrist gently and pulled it to where he can clean it off. He helped Dan lay back down, the pain of sitting up as quickly as he had settling in and forcing out pained sounds.

The nurse was gone as quickly as she arrived, quickly informing them that Dan was being giving pain medication through his tubes and to be careful in disturbing them.

Phil held onto Dan's hand gently again, pressing it to his lips and then to his forehead. He looked up again when he felt shaking. Dan was staring up at the ceiling, tears dripping down his face and onto his neck.

"What's wrong love?" Phil asked, worried. His fingers are hovered over the button again, until Dan speaks.

"I thought I was going to die, it all felt like the world getting back at me for my crude humour. Danisnotonfire? The collapse? Wanting death? I didn't want to die, not like that." Phil kissed his hand again.

"It's not your fault. It was that neighbor, the one with the annoying ringer on their phone. They'd left their apartment with the fireplace on. It's their fault, theirs. Not yours." He assured, but Dan continued crying.

Phil let him cry, gently pressing kisses to the back of Dan's hand until he spoke again. "I really want some water please." Phil stood to get it, only to be interrupted by another nurse.

"Excuse me, don't mean to be rude. Replacing the pan. You seem to have a case of heat stroke deary. Would you like a larger cup for water?" The lady asked. She must have been about his mother’s age, hair greying at the roots.

"That would be lovely, thank you. And some chapstick, if you would, thank you," Phil replies. Dan looked at him with one of those looks, like they looked at each other in videos when the other wasn't watching.

"It's not your fault." Phil told him again. "I love you."

"I know, I love you." Dan replied. "It's not yours either."

Phil nodded. Somehow, he didn't believe it.

*

Dan was sick for a while, eventually moving from heat stroke to fighting infection from the burns.

Fevers wrecked his body and Dan was out of it more often than not, only waking up to mumble things incoherently before falling back asleep from exhaustion.

Phil had reassured Dan's family that he would give them the heads up if Dan’s health began to deteriorate, and they left to finish up their workweek before coming back to stay and help them get settled.

Right now, Dan was coughing in his sleep, borderline ejecting the oxygen nubbins from his nose. Phil knew Dan’s lungs were weak from all of the cases of pneumonia he had suffered in the past.

The doctor had warned that pneumonia may be a problem because of Dan's lungs and previous history of pneumonia, but Phil didn't want to have to see Dan in any more elongated pain on the journey to heal.

In just two weeks, it had been an eternity of hell for Dan, and Phil could only sit by and cushion the recovery process.

"Mr. Lester, excuse me, but we'd like to discuss a few things regarding you and your partner." Phil jumped, and then turned to the nurse standing just inside the doorway. "If you'd rather we do this later, we can put it off until later. The sooner we finish, the sooner Daniel here can make his recovery and check out." Phil nodded and ran his hand over his face. With one more look at Dan, he followed the nurse out of the room.

The went to the same grieving room as when he was first let in. Still, he didn't see the comfort it was designed to bring.

"As you are aware, Mr. Howell's body is not able to fight infection and sickness as well because of his body's fight to heal all of his wounds at once. Our medical team would like to request putting Daniel in a medically induced coma for seventy two hours while we return nutrition and hydration to him directly by feeding tubes and ivs. While unconscious, he will have his lungs drained and then a breathing tube, all of this while being treated with antibiotics and..." Phil's mind tuned out, faint all of the sudden. When had this become their life? Just two and a half weeks ago— had it really only been that long?— Dan was laughing on his laptop screen, excited to hear his stories of the crazy Americans that Phil had met on the boardwalk.

"S-stop it, you're joking," Dan's eyes crinkled visibly, and his dimple was clear through the low quality webcam, "Isn't that illegal? Public nudity?" Dan's laugh ran through the small room, and hit against Phil's heart, tweaking the rhythm just slightly.

"Mr. Lester, are there any questions you have? About the treatment or anything?" The nurse was kind, and stayed patient while Phil tried to gather what she had been saying.

Phil cleared his throat and pushed his hand through his greasy hair. "Is there anything- are there any risks?"

The nurse shuffled her papers. "The worst case is that if the infections take over before we can get them controlled, we may not be able to wake your partner up." The entire room felt too still, too stale, and Phil felt too sick. "There is still a two week window before the infections begin to work themselves father through his body, and if we begin treatment as soon as possible, he should be up and ready to be released before then."

Phil could hardly say Dan's name under his breath before the papers were signed and Dan was being prepared for the treatment.

After letting Dan's family know of the situation, Phil took the two hours he's not allowed to be around Dan to go to the hotel where his stuff was being held to take a shower and get his stuff together to stay at the hospital until Dan was released.

And what a long time that would be.

*

Phil couldn't hide the situation much longer before people became more curious and would begin to ask questions. Phil had to respond before things got out of hand.

The recording wasn't much, just an iPhone recording.

Hey guys, this isn't a normal video at all, and no I didn't accidentally post this on Dan's channel.

Dan is in the hospital, as a result of a fire started in one of the neighbours flats. He's alive and has been awake, but he's not going to be back to videos for a while until his health starts to look up.

Please don't worry as Dan is going to be okay, and all we need from this point is support for the recovery process, to keep motivated and forward until we can get back to work.

I'll be sure to keep you updated on twitter so go follow me there.

Bye guys.

It was all uncut, slightly mumbled together and awkwardly spoken in a few places, but he wasn't worried about that as he posted the video.

Quickly responses flooded in in response to 'update', the newest video addition to Dan's channel.

Oh my god
Prayers
Are you okay Phil?

As well as a quickly spreading hashtags;

#notonfire and #heartsfordan

Phil didn't feel the need to respond to any of them, nor did he have to. He had plenty to handle without feeling obligated to answer everyone's questions.

Dan was in the process of having his lungs drained before the serum would be equipped to begin the longest seventy two hours of Phil's life.

That seventy-two hours would give Phil enough time to figure their ever lagging lives out, and get their living arrangements together.

Phil looked at the clock; 18:23.

For now, Phil waited in silence, thumb gently swiping over the screen of his phone in distracted obliviousness. Something caught the light on his hand and Phil's mind began wandering again suddenly.

Phil's was possibly the most beautiful ring that anyone could have ever picked out, designed by Dan specifically; a gold band with a diamond bar on the top, with a tiny sun engraved on the inside.

Dan's was an heirloom of Phil's. When he was young, his grandmother promised her ring to any young woman he would decide to marry. Upon receiving news that Phil was in love with a man, his Grandfather had instantly promised his ring to the 'young man who's captured your heart'.

It was a dark cast iron colour, a thin band of gold wrapped around the ring itself, and most importantly, it suited Dan better than it would have ever suited Phil.

Dan's fingers had began to grow swollen and cold, and Phil had taken off the ring to put in his own pocket for safe keeping— the last thing either of them needed was the ring becoming too tight and having to be cut off.

Phil looked at the clock; 18:25.

So would begin the longest seventy-two hours in history.

The next few days was uneventful and full of painful looking procedures and the changing of the tubes. Dan’s family had begun arranging a hotel room to stay so they wouldn’t have to leave London. Phil’s family worked with Dan’s to provide the costs covering the room until they could get back on their feet. Phil sat, waiting and watching as Dan breathed and twitched.

As the third day rolled around, doctors came to take samples and vitals much more frequently, promising results by hour sixty-one.

Hour sixty may have been the longest hour he had ever experienced- an eternity shoved into sixty minutes- and when the head doctor came in, Phil was dozing off, sprawled out in the small hospital chair. It had been nearly round the clock attention that Phil gave to Dan.

“Sir, is now a good time to talk about your partner, or would you rather I come back later?” They shook him slightly and Phil shot up at the touch.

“No no, this is a great time!” Phil rushed, making himself more presentable for the sophisticated doctor. The clipboard she held was full of papers, a pen balanced neatly on top.

Phil’s entire being was a mess in the sense that there was no hiding that he was definitely exhausted, mentally and physically.

“We’re going to begin the waking process now, and he should be up in about twelve hours, just as planned. But the next few hours we will be slowly disconnecting him from the machines and hooking him up to less invasive machines like the oxygen nubbins instead of the tube.”

Phil hadn’t even felt the need to cry until he heard ‘waking,’ and suddenly the entire situation was becoming more real.

Dan would be okay, he would wake up, he’d— Phil would have his home back. That sounded so extremely selfish, but at this point Phil didn’t give two shits.

When Dan did wake up, Phil was actually asleep, and Dan did nothing to change that.

Phil was always up and doing something, always filling empty silences, but in the moments he finally rested, he was ethereal. He was relaxed and took Dan’s breath away just as much as the first time they fell asleep on skype together.

Even laying sideways awkwardly in a hospital chair, Phil still had unknowingly found a way to look perfect.

Phil’s features were tired though, Dan could tell. It was hard to connect the ends between his exhausted features and the accident, but Dan had a hunch that it was definitely a good thing that Phil was asleep right then.

Dan was barely coherent by the time his observation ends, effects from the anaesthesia still present in his veins.

A last look at Phil, and he fell asleep, heart full of emotions; love, fear, and hope.

*

When Phil woke up, Dan was watching him. His heart did a little jump, and his hand hit his heart whilst it restarted.

“Dan, you scared me.” He huffed, and Dan grinned lazily, blinking slowly. “When did you wake up?”

“Thr—“ Dan took a moment to cough, and Phil flinched a bit at the force behind it. “Three hours.” Dan held up three fingers as confirmation.

Phil reached his hand out and gently grabbed Dan’s. It was the first calm moment they’d had since everything had began, the first time Phil had been able to actually process what had happened.

Dan’s fingers had dirt underneath them, Phil noticed. Eyes trailing up his skin, they caught bandages and peeling skin, dark areas where the skin was still attached and burnt, and light smooth areas where the hair was singed away.

But as he continued up, he met Dan’s eyes, and he didn’t realise his eyes were clouding up with tears until one hit his cheek. Dan gripped Phil’s hand tight, trying not to cry himself.

Phil cried, Dan’s hands held to his lips. When he realised that there was something missing, something cold and smooth, he let go, wiped his eyes and nose, and pulled the ring out of his pocket.

“Do you want to wear it?” Phil asked gently, holding it in Dan’s view.

Dan’s eyes opened just a little wider and he nodded his head quickly, but gently. Phil laughed, still sniffing, and pushed the ring onto his finger, kissing it and feeling things pull together a little bit. Something was constant in their life for the first time in nearly a month.

There was a comfortable silence until Dan broke it.

“We’re homeless, Phil.” He murmurs. Phil’s head snaps up in shock.

Phil shakes his head, realising that he was right. They were homeless at the moment. The buying process on the new house wasn’t even close to being finished, and their parents hadn’t officially arranged their hotel yet.

They were homeless, even if it was only for a short while.

Phil looks over Dan’s face, and thinks about how lucky he actually was, considering. The majority of the scarring would be from the scratches and gashes made by falling foundation, and the scarring from the actual burns was limited to his arms and sides.

“I love you.” Dan murmured, pulling Phil out of his thoughts.

Phil’s lips turned up and he pressed another kiss to Dan’s hand. “I love you too.”

*

Dan’s family showed up nearly an hour later, after the doctors had filled Dan and Phil in on how the release process would go.

“Hello, how do you feel love?” His mum asked softly. Dan grinned tiredly.

“Better.” He murmured, struggling to keep his eyes open. His mum patted his hand, and during the entire conversation Phil and Dan’s brother made a few side glances at each other, a silent conversation of confirmation from Phil that Dan would be okay.

Dan eventually nodded off to sleep, and his parents headed off to their hotel, but Dan’s brother, Dakota, stayed.

They both sat quietly, looking at Dan and his bandages and casts.

“Phil, do you really think he’s going to be alright after this?” He whispered, and Phil turned to face the younger boy. They had never been as close as Martyn and Dan had become over time, but both of them had one thing they could agree on; they loved Dan more than anything.

In different aspects, obviously.

Dan had made every effort to be home when it was his birthday, to invite him out to stay and hang out, to call and check on him as often as possible.

Which made it even harder to tell him that he wasn’t sure himself.

*

“What do you think about going on a trip after all of this is over?” Dan murmured one night, after his parents left, and the sun started to set.

It took Phil a moment to process that Dan had said anything at all. His thumb stopped moving across Dan’s unburnt hand, over the ring.

Phil cleared his throat. “I guess it just depends on where you’ve planned.” Phil’s head tilted sideways, exhausted written across his features.

Both of them were unruly. Dan hadn’t had a proper shower since before the three days of healing, and Phil hadn’t had a shower in two or three days himself. He stopped bothering with contacts, and his glasses rested on the bridge of his nose, falling slightly to one side.

“Japan. Maybe not right afterwards. Maybe for a honeymoon spot.” Dan’s eyes were closed, like he was daydreaming out loud. Phil couldn't help but let his lips turn up.

He brought Dan’s hand up and kissed it. “That sounds lovely.” Dan’s lip twitched, and Phil closed his eyes.

There was hope.

*

“Alright, now lift your right leg as high as you can, without using your hands.” Angel, the physical therapist instructed, and Phil looked up from his book to watch for a minute.

Today would be the last day of being in the hospital, nearly a month after the fire. While these appointments were tedious, they gave him plenty of time to finish books he hadn’t had the chance to start yet.

The contract for the last owners of their temporary flat didn’t close for two more days, on Friday. Until then, they’d stay in a nearby hotel.

But right now, Dan was in the middle of his second physical therapy appointment, trying to get the torn and burnt muscles moving again.

“Good, good! Now relax, and I’ll make sure to send you and your partner over there the report and options we can go through.” The woman’s voice was slightly American sounding, but at this point nearly anything could be a sleep deprived hallucination.

Dan sat back against the bed, eyes scrunched slightly in either pain or exhaustion.

Phil turned to the lady- the name of which evaded him- and gave an animated spiel over how elated he and Dan were to be working with her.

Dan sat up straighter with a smirk on his lips, eyes still closed.

“What’s that look for?” Phil questioned lightly. Dan had begun to act more playful as he healed.

Dan’s lips twitched. “You sound like you used to when we had to go to those BBC meetings. All formal like.” Phil could see it on the features of his face that Dan’s about to fall asleep again- he slept a lot lately, mostly because of the pain relievers he was taking.

Phil grinned, exhausted himself. Even though it was only six o’clock, his body was just ready for tomorrow, when they could be out of the same four walls they’d been stuck in for the past month.

“I guess you could say ‘why so serious’, then.” Phil teased, his imitation quite shit if they were to be honest. But it makes Dan laugh and puts a large smile on Phil’s face, so they ignored the quality and embraced the moment.

“I don’t really care for this whole physical therapy shit.” Dan said after a couple of comfortable moments of silence, “It’s like obligatory exercise and effort just to walk.”

Phil nodded, not so much to Dan but in a silent agreement. He didn’t quite like watching the lady push Dan further than he could realistically go.

“But I guess it’ll be worth it,” Dan continued, “When I can stand up and walk down the aisle toward you. Or wait at the altar. We don’t have to think about that right now. I’m just ready to be able to stand and hug you and shit like that.” Dan’s rambling continued, more slurred and hushed as it went on, until he opened his eyes slightly to look directly at Phil. “I love you.”

It was so blunt and so simple that it almost shocked Phil after the long ramble that came before it.

Phil held the eye contact and wrapped Dan’s hand with his own.

“I love you.”

Neither could be sure when they nodded off to sleep after that, but it wasn’t really important to either of them. They were both at peace, truly home for the first time in a while.

*

“Careful Phil, we don’t want both of you to be hurt now do we?” Catherine ordered, trying her best to get the two of them settled in their hotel room.

Phil was gently carrying Dan up the hotel steps and to the wheelchair waiting at the top. It wasn’t the most ideal situation, (Phil was terrified of hurting Dan) but they were managing. Phil finally reached the top, albeit out of breath, and sat Dan into the wheelchair.

Phil tended to Dan and his father tended to his mum, and eventually his mum got their rooms taken care of and they were on their way into separate elevators to their hotel rooms.

As the doors closed and the elevator began to move, Dan let out a sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Phil questioned, turning his head a bit to see Dan’s face, which tilted up to see Phil’s.

“I’m fucking ready to be able to sleep with you again. In the same bed I mean- fuck. You know what I mean.” He mumbled, and Phil giggled in response.

“Yeah, me too.” Phil reassured, and the elevator dinged the moment after. Phil gently pushed them toward their room, both itching for a proper bed, a proper rest.

They really should’ve be a little more aware of how bad their sleep schedules would be after this, but neither seemed to care as Phil helps Dan out of his clothes and both into bed, Dan propped up with pillows all around, wary of the layers of protection around all of his injuries.

“Dan, come on love, how about I help you wash up in the bathroom. Then we can redress all of the areas that need to be, and we can continue to do nothing until dinner.” Phil encouraged a groggy (and slightly irritated) Dan.

Dan opened his eyes, squinting at Phil.

“Is this your way of getting me naked?” Dan grumbled, and Phil rolled his eyes as Dan laughed to himself.

Phil crouched down a little closer. “If it was, would you object?” Phil murmured in Dan’s ear. “But either way, we both reek of hospital.” Phil laid his arms on the bed and rested his head on his arms.

Dan sighed heavily, doing a little nod into his pillow.

The entire process of getting Dan into the hotel bathtub was a feat greater said than done, but Phil managed to carry Dan in (fully clothed). Once Dan was in, they were able to get him undressed and his bandages off as well.

The bathwater filled around Dan and Phil worried over bandages and medical tape, and making sure Dan’s back brace doesn’t slip.

Dan sighed a heavy sigh and catches Phil’s attention.

“I’m tired of waiting for myself to heal. I want to be able to do things and not be your burden to bear.” Dan murmured.

Phil rushed to object but Dan beats him to the punch. “Don’t say that I’m not, because I am. Even if you don’t mind, I’m still holding everything- and everyone- back. You’ve got to deal with doctors appointments, physical therapy appointments, me.”

Phil leaned on the edge of the tub. “Just because it isn’t always pleasant doesn’t mean you’re a burden. Now let’s clean you up.” Phil changed the subject quickly, not wanting Dan to get himself worked up on their first night out of the hospital.

Dan nodded to himself and looked away, and Phil’s heart ached, knowing Dan was dealing with inner turmoil. Phil really ought to have done something to interject, to make Dan feel better, but right now he really just wanted to finish cleaning them up so they could lay back down.

*

Redress the bandages!!! (three left)

Phil huffed. Dan was in such a good rest since they finished their baths.

The waking process for Dan was usually long and drawn out without the pain medication and exhaustion. Now it was damn near impossible.

“Phil.” Dan dragged out the ‘il’, and Phil tried not to get frustrated. Phil rested his hand on Dan’s shoulder, trying his best to talk to Dan clearly. Dan tensed underneath his palm, and there’s a hissing noise he eventually paired with Dan’s voice, and Phil pulled his hand away quickly, as if he had been burned.

“I’m sorry, Dan, are you okay- I didn’t mean-“ Phil said, backing away from Dan and toward the wall behind him. Dan nodded, trying sit up so he could calm him down, but Phil only became more distraught.

Phil was a mess of rambling words and small, sharp hand gestures, and Dan was too weak at this point to shuffle himself around more than a few inches without help.

“Phil!” Dan eventually interjected the unintelligible rambling, and Phil quiets himself with watery lashes. “l’m okay, you didn’t really hurt me. It was more a shock response than anything.” Dan explained quickly, trying to keep Phil from panicking anymore than he already was. Phil stared Dan in the eyes— or more through him than anything- while Dan spoke.

Phil nodded curtly, swaying back and forth and making a point to look away from Dan before he could see the tears welling. Dan watched as his small paces and quick breaths stuttered a little before sitting down and putting his face into his hands, back shaking from being wrecked with sobs.

In just the second that it had taken him to realise what he had done, that he’d grabbed onto Dan’s burn, he was taken back to the day in Florida. He was back on the pavement, hearing Dan’s screams from thousands of miles away. It was like the ringing in his ears were back, like the same panic from before was settled in deeper.

Phil’s heart was pounding just as rapidly as it had been when he was listening to a call over the phone telling him that his house caught fire- and nearly taken his home with it.

It was the same hopeless feeling, but now Dan was there, he was able to see him, see that he was alright.

But Phil can’t get those screams out of his head, the hissing sounds, the sound of his phone cracking on the concrete, the hospital machines beeping—

Dan had shuffled his way up the mattress to where he could stretch out and reach Phil’s hand, which he grabbed and pulled Phil out of his panic.

“Hey, it’s okay. We’re okay.” There was suddenly a thumb stroking the back of his hand, and a little hum in his chest that slowly diluted the panic into worry, and then into relief. Phil nodded and Dan pulled on his arm gently.

Phil would normally give in, lay down, but he needed to get back to the task at hand- get Dan healthy again. So he needed to redress the wounds.

“In a, just a second and then we can lay down love. We have to change the dressings and then we can spend the rest of the day doing nothing.” Phil mumbled, mostly to himself, busying himself with little things like arranging the gauze packages into a row, making sure there was plenty of medical tape at hand.

“Phil,” Dan barked, and Phil’s head snapped to attention. “I love you.” He stated firmly, and Phil leaned in unexpectedly to kiss Dan, both of them grounded to the moment.

Phil pulled away, wiping his puffy eyes as he goes, “I love you.”

*

“This flat is positively gorgeous Phil! I think it suits you and Dan perfectly.” Cornelia bounced around, pointing at this and that as Martyn looked at him with amusement. Phil was still slightly shook up from the events of last night, but he did his best to keep it at bay.

Phil rolled his eyes. “What?” Martyn gave him that look that he’s been giving him since they were kids, the one that just says; ‘Wow, Little Brother’.

Contrary to the past few days, Dan’s mum and brother decided to take Dan to his PT appointment while Phil worked to get the final details finished in the flat they’d been in the process of buying before the accident.

“You’re just really really domestic. Like I can just imagine that if Dan were here right now he and Corny would be running around and planning the entire flat out.” Martyn looked fondly at Cornelia, and Phil recognised the look- he often found himself looking at Dan just the same.

Phil looked around– at this point, the look of the flat didn’t matter so much as the functionality. The stairs, all of the stairs, and the size.

“Phil, shut up.” Martyn ordered. Phil’s eyes narrow.

“I haven’t even said anything.” Phil’s jaw set, not towards Martyn, but rather to keep himself from getting emotional again.

“Shut your brain up.” Cornelia ran back and grinned at Phil, loosening the little tension that had begun to build.

Cornelia was a lovely woman, but Phil needed to stop funding her passion for coffee. Her energy was appreciated though, as she eagerly stated that it was time to get back to Dan. While Martyn and Phil had lost track of time, Dan’s physical therapy appointment had finished, and so his family must have been back at the hotel by now.

*

“Phil, you’re never going to believe this, look! Gordon Ramsay roasted our puff things.”

Dan was nearly rolling on the ground in laughter as Phil walked through the door of the flat upon coming home from a meeting for their book.

Dan had stayed home to rest because he hadn’t been feeling well, but now he seemed as if nothing had ever been wrong.

“You’re joking with me! Really?” Dan handed over the phone, and soon Phil was in the same state as Dan, doubled over in laughter.

Phil watched Dan laugh and realised how much he loves the sound of it. How had he ever lived before hearing it?

Phil arrived at the hotel to be met with a sound of faint laughter. He walked in and saw himself on Dan’s laptop screen, Dan making the giggling noise. It took a minute to realise it was his old ‘Toxic’ video, and he groaned.

Dan jumped a bit before laughing even more.

He tried to turn over, and in a second Phil is giggling.

“Come help me roll over so I can hug you you spoon.” Dan groaned, and Phil couldn’t help but laugh. Dan was laid on his side, wiggling slightly.

Phil got him turned over and gently hugged the younger, pressing a kiss to his collar bone.

He pulled away for a little bit to pull off his shirt and jeans, replacing them with a pair of sweatpants.

Phil settled in beside him, and propped his head up on his hand. “How was the appointment?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I was able to walk a little with a walker. It was alright but I’m sore as fuck now. My ribs hurt,” Dan grumbled, scooting himself as close to Phil as he could. Phil took the initiative and scooted himself closer as well.

“They’re just healing. Think, in no time we’ll be walking our dogs down the pavements and playing sweaty Just Dance again.” Phil encouraged.

“And sex.” Dan sounded so genuinely dismayed that Phil couldn’t hold his laughter in. He was in a fairly good mood now, and being able to talk normally like this with Dan again was lovely. He would take full advantage of it.

Phil sighed contentedly. “Yeah, that too.” Dan hummed to himself and Phil decided to gently try to move Dan into him. “I’m just trying to get us in a nice sleep position. Tell me if I hurt you, please.” Phil’s voice was small towards the end, but he sees Dan nod and continues. He moved Dan back onto his side and moved them toward the middle of the bed. Phil pulled them into a comfortable spooning position, hand underneath Dan’s pillow. Dan was already in pyjamas, probably from the help of his brother.

“I’ve missed this.” Dan murmured after a little bit. The sky slowly grew darker and the light casted through the windows were muted tones of orange. It was beautiful, really, especially on Dan’s features.

Phil subtly pressed himself closer to Dan, placing a kiss onto his shoulder. “Me too. Goodnight, I love you.” Dan whispered it back, as if the sun setting was cue for silence.

Phil didn’t mind, especially as he fell asleep holding everything in his arms.

*

“Phil.” Someone whispered and shook Phil awake. It was Dan’s brother. “Come here, I need to talk to you.” Phil was barely comprehending his own moves as he smacked around the side table for his glasses and followed the boy into the hallway.

His brother had traveled up to stay with them while Martyn and Cornelia wen home for a little while, staying in the room that had formerly shared.

Not often did they find themselves alone together, especially not of specific request. But there they stood, awkwardly in the hallway at- wait a minute, three in the morning?

Phil coughed. “What’s up mate?” The words sounded weird coming from his mouth but what else was he supposed to say? “Everything alright?”

Dakota was rocking back on his heels and Phil’s words seemed to snap him out of his stupor as he speedily reached for his phone.

“I need advice.” Advice?

Phil was almost completely awake at this point. “Advice about jobs? Colleges?” Phil questioned, but the boy just sighed.

“Relationship advice.” Oh. “I need help asking out this girl, and what to do for the date, as well as outfits and flowers and-“

“Wait wait, you’re asking me? May I ask why?” Dakota’s face turned scarlet. The younger scratched his head and began rocking on his heels.

“Well, you seem to always be the one initiating the dates and stuff between you and Dan, at least that’s what he swoons about in his emails. If you could make my brother, ‘heart of stone’ Daniel, coo and swoon like that I figure you could help me.” Phil wanted to awe and coo himself, that his brother-in-law-to-be came to him for relationship advice.

Phil realised how much less awake he actually was when he asked, “You’re asking her at three in the morning?” Dakota’s face only succeeded in turning from red to maroon in embarrassment, and then rolled his eyes.

“She’s on vacation in Australia, time difference. Can you help me or what?” Phil rubbed his eyes and nodded, giving a silent gesture to stay quiet and to follow him into he and Dan’s room.

They spent the next few hours working out details and encouraging Dakota to just send the damn question, to which he got an enthusiastic (at least Phil believes it was enthusiastic) ‘sure’.

At one point, Dan’s breathing quickened and Phil took no time in abandoning their work to calm the boy without waking him, and then returning only to find Dakota watching him.

“What?” Phil had asked, a small laugh following.

Dakota shook his head slightly. “You two, I just never would have thought, you know. Just, thank you.” Phil accepted the compliment and they continued with their work, but Phil couldn’t help but feel as if he finally got all of the approval he needed.

It’s not until after Dakota picked up the plans and left to rest a little longer that Dan acknowledged his consciousness. “What were the two of you doing?”

Phil, half asleep from being woke at such an ungodly hour (and then spending the next few upcoming hours awake as well) nearly crapped a brick. “God Dan, way to greet someone.”

Phil climbed back into bed and manoeuvred himself to where he could safely reach his arm underneath Dan.

“Seriously though, what where you doing? It’s six in the morning for Christ’s sake.” Dan murmured, a grin threatening the sides of his mouth.

Phil gave Dan a proud grin. “I like to think we were bonding. He came to me at three in the morning for relationship advice.” Dan gasped and tried to sit up, which was an empty process ending with Phil lifting him up himself.

“Phil that’s fucking awesome.” Dan rambled and Phil filled with pride. “You know, one day we’re going to be giving our kids relationship advice. Or our dogs, whichever suits us best.” Phil took the moment to catch Dan off guard with a kiss on the nose, and Dan’s smile wasenough to put the sun to shame.

“Let’s get some sleep love. Big day.” Phil was beginning to fall back asleep, and Dan shuffled (with Phil’s help) back down.

Yes, it was a big day ahead, but Dan couldn’t care less about the house now that two of his favourite people had finally begun to form a relationship.

*

“Holy shit Phil,” Dan gasps, looking around as Phil pushes Dan around as much as possible in a wheelchair to avoid using the walker. Phil’s automatic instinct is to panic- the words ‘what’s wrong’ immediately coming to mind, but he is cut off before they could leave his mouth. “We aren’t homeless anymore.”

As Phil’s heart slows down he looks around, watching as movers slowly trickle in with the last of the boxes, and breathes deeply.

Phil may have been houseless, choosing hospital chairs over a hotel bed more times than not, but he had never been homeless, not once since he had met Dan online nearly nine years ago.

They had many houses, living spaces, items that they associated home with, but never once had they been homeless.

Phil had Dan, which was his home, always. He knows if he explained this to Dan, Dan would say, ‘You know what I mean, you sap,’ but Phil doesn’t feel the need. He does know what Dan means.

Later, as the mums unload dish ware under Dan’s supervision, and the fathers unload and set up the large pieces of furniture, Phil looks around and wonders how his life had changed so much in a span of a little less than two months.

He wouldn’t ask for much to change, though, even if it would have saved him the original heartbreak.

Dan was already making a strong recovery, the few physical therapy appointments he’s been to tremendously improving his motor function again.

In a few months time he could possibly be standing up on his own again and cooking dinner by Phil’s side, bumping hips like usual.

This of course, could be fantasy, as they did in fact exist in reality, but Phil could dream.

Dakota walks by, face turned down toward his phone. Phil grabs him by the arm, and the boy looks up.

“I think he’s going to be okay.” Phil murmurs, loud enough to be heard but quiet enough to not be caught by Dan just a wall away.

Dakota’s face shifts from one of concern to recognition, and nods. “I hope he will be.” They turn and look, Dan holding up mugs and plates as the mums grabbed them one by one, a smile present on his face.

“I hope so too.”

Hope is not a story of recovery, but rather acceptance and support, as well as the effects trauma can place on the ones we love. While tragedy is devastating for the victim, it can be equally as heartbreaking for the people surrounding them, watching helplessly. So whether your situation is one like this or much different, there is always someone who wants you here.