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Fuck this.
Annie is sick of being on the defensive, sick of taking hit after hit waiting for an opening to pummel this...this beast of a girl down to her knees. She is going to show her what it feels like to truly be beaten.
She sidesteps Mikasa’s kick, swiveling low and juts out her own leg to land a hard punt right behind Mikasa’s left knee. There is no remorse in her eyes, watching in slow motion as Mikasa’s leg gives out, almost laughing as she tries to regain her balance with her good leg. But Annie has anticipated this and springs up with a deafening 1-2 punch to Mikasa’s solar plexus, sending the other girl stumbling back. Mikasa’s eyes flash with open rage as she chokes out a breath, the dirt rising in puffs behind her as she tries to gain some space between her and Annie.
Annie glowers at her, advancing quickly to deliver a finishing blow, but in her singular goal she fails to remember that Mikasa always makes use of her resources, and she curses as a cloud of sand and grit is kicked into her eyes. And just like that she knows its over. It only takes one misstep, one inkling of an opening for Mikasa to press her advantage, and within less than a second Annie feels a hand grab a handfull of her hair and forcefully shove her to the ground, kicking her in the side for good measure.
“Fuck you, Annie,” Mikasa coughs as she holds her stomach, bending over in pain as she watches the dust clear above Annie’s crumpled form.
Annie lays there, listening to the other girl struggle to regain her breath as her blood begins to boil with fury. Hours of fighting, only to be thrown down like some dog? I’m going to end her.
Snarling into the gravel, Annie pushes up and sprints towards Mikasa, showering her with a flurry of blows that Mikasa blocks with one arm, taken aback at the sudden ferocity so different from Annie’s usual calculating style. The other hand is still near hear stomach, and Annie sees her opening in a moment of crystal clear clarity. With all the strength she can muster, she sinks a deep punch to Mikasa’s right kidney, and stands back, rearing for another hit as she watches tears instantly well up in the other girl’s eyes.
“Fuck you, Mikasa.”
She sees stars as a fist connects with her jaw, Mikasa’s boots the last fuzzy image she can make out before her vision goes black.
“You were trying to kill me.”
It’s not a question.
Annie doesn’t respond right away as she trails just slightly behind Mikasa, the pair making their way to the showers. She clutches the towel wrapped around herself a bit tighter, thinking of how to approach their fight from a few days prior. She thinks that maybe she should pretend otherwise.
“I wasn’t--”
Mikasa cuts her off.
“You know what a punch to the kidney can do.”
Right. It was stupid of her to assume Mikasa would accept a clearly false lie.
Annie had been trying to kill her in that moment. When she thinks of it now, she scares herself. She had completely lost control; her pent-up rage and frustration that had nothing to do with Mikasa and everything to do with her own fucked up mission had led her to nearly kill her fellow cadet. She feels ashamed that she betrayed her composure; disappointment in herself for going too far. But most of all she feels regret. At the end of the day, no matter how much they fight or how much tension is built up between them, Annie never wants to seriously hurt Mikasa. But that night, she had. She knows she crossed a line. She does not know how to make it better.
Mikasa pulls off her towel without fanfare, and Annie finds herself unable to look away from the girl in front of her. She’s reminded of the alabaster statues she’s seen in textbooks; impossibly white and chiseled. But Mikasa’s skin is peppered with a rainbow of bruises; faded black spots dotting her shoulders like fingerprints, yellowed patches marring her thighs and calves while greenish splotches marked her knees. But when Mikasa lifts her arms to scrub her hair, turning slightly, Annie has to fight tears as she sees the expansive, deep purple blemish spread across the lower right side of her back. It is practically an entity; a black hole that does not belong on Mikasa’s body. It’s ugly. It’s painful. It’s gruesome. It’s everything Mikasa is not.
Annie swallows thickly, looking away. She did this to her.
“I lost control.”
Annie speaks quietly, but Mikasa hears even amidst the noisy sounds of the water splashing onto the tile.
“I know.”
They stand in silence as Mikasa finishes her shower, and when she turns around Annie doesn’t meet Mikasa’s gaze but instead traces the lines of Mikasa’s lean form with her eyes, focusing on the angry, hardened scars from the 3DM gear etched into her abdomen and thighs.
This body...should not be so beaten…
“Take your shower, Annie.”
Mikasa has wrapped herself in a towel now, stepping aside for Annie to go in.
It occurs to Annie, as she removes her towel, that Mikasa is going stay as she showers. She thinks briefly about asking her to leave before realizing how hypocritical she’d sound. She’d witnessed Mikasa’s scars. It was only fair for Mikasa to be able to see Annie’s.
--
The only word that Mikasa can think of is soft. Annie is so soft, she thinks, as she watches the water cascade down the gentle curves of her body. Her shape is deceptively feminine, hid by the bulk of the hooded sweatshirt she favors, but Mikasa knows better than most how Annie’s body feels, the hours of sparring a fine chance to get acquainted with her opponent’s form. But seeing her without clothes on is different. Mikasa frowns at the red marks that appear indented into her skin, looking for all the world like handprints permanently etched into her body. She has prominent splotches of blue bruises, some fading, some pronounced, trailing all over her arms and legs, and as Mikasa’s eyes travel upwards, her gaze hardens at the sight of the deep crimson streak blemishing the skin over Annie’s jaw.
It must hurt.
Mikasa knew she had to knock Annie out after she had landed her nearly lethal punch with no signs of quitting, but that didn’t mean she felt okay about it. The whole fight had gone on too long; they should’ve stopped, Mikasa knows, but adrenaline and anger had fueled them forward, pushing them over the edge. It was for that reason why Mikasa had decided not to hold the incident over Annie’s head. She knows what it’s like to lose control; the feeling of separating from your true self and letting the raw rage and desolation and primal need to survive and triumph erupt from inside you with no reservations. It’s all consuming. It’s scary . Mikasa knows this. She lives it. But it’s not a part of herself that she likes; it’s a side of her born from necessity, the result of events that Mikasa would never wish anyone to go through and triggered by situations Mikasa would trade anything to be out of. It’s a side she never wants to provoke from Annie ever again. The loss of identity, the fear of not knowing if you’ll be able to resurface or not, is a burden she does not want Annie to bear.
Annie shuts the water off, and Mikasa picks up her towel, moving closer to her as she wordlessly extends it to her. If Annie is startled by Mikasa’s proximity she doesn’t show it, faltering only for a moment before taking the towel and wrapping it around herself.
“When we’re both healed, we should spar again.” Mikasa says this as they move to the benches to towel off and change.
This time, a hint of surprise does register on Annie’s face. “Why?”
“I think it’d be good for us to start fresh; we can’t lose out on essential practice by avoiding fighting each other again.” She wants to fight again to show Annie that she’s not holding a grudge. She wants to prove to her that they can still fight without going too far.
She wants to fight with Annie because she doesn’t want to lose the only thing that binds them together.
Seven days have passed since the fight and Annie is still hesitant to spar with Mikasa again. A part of her misses the authenticity of their fights; a challenge posed to each other that no one else in the cadets could hope to offer. She misses the thrill of dodging Mikasa’s swift blows; of the test of reading her body language and eyes and trying to predict her her next move. She was the opponent of Annie’s dreams, one that offered her a great mental and physical exercise, a true chance to hone her skills. But whenever she thinks about getting back into it, she realizes she doesn’t want to hurt Mikasa anymore.
Why should she? When mere weeks from now she’d kill all her friends, capture Eren and very possibly even kill her , for real this time. She didn’t get to pretend like it wasn’t inevitable, like she could just spar with Mikasa as if she truly had the intention of going into battle with her instead of against her.
Her stomach ties into knots at the thought of leaving bruises on Mikasa’s body, of taking advantage of her good will and nature that she extends towards Annie by giving her another chance to fight. She can’t do it.
She’s not worthy of her.
When they finally do fight, it’s a week before Annie must complete her mission, and there’s only one reason she’s finally accepted Mikasa’s unspoken request throughout the past couple of days: to let Mikasa win, once and for all.
On the night they meet, they stand facing each other, the overcast sky threatening to dissolve into rain at any moment. The air feels fragile, as if something is hanging in the balance between the two of them.
The delicate atmosphere dissipates as Mikasa acts first, quick like a crack of lighting; her punch splits Annie’s lip, and Mikasa flinches, having expected Annie to easily dodge it. It was nothing but a warm up punch, not intended to land, but Annie hadn’t sidestepped nor had she blocked.
Annie’s lip throbs in pain as the open skin is singed by the sudden exposure to air. She feels the blood dribble down her chin but steadies herself, getting into position though she knows she won’t attempt a single hit.
Mikasa looks unsure at Annie’s complete lack of response but her eyes quickly harden, snapping back into form, and she lands a high kick to Annie’s shoulder, nearly knocking her off her feet.
She knows something is wrong when Annie doesn’t react again, instead fighting off a wince as she remains standing.
“Annie?”
Annie raises her fists. “Keep going.”
Mikasa hesitates for moment, briefly considering that this could be a trick to tire her out, but deep down she knows something is amiss. She thinks the only way to snap Annie out of it is to get her to return her blows. Rain starts to fall as Mikasa searches Annie’s eyes, willing her to fight back. She steps forward cautiously, trying to communicate her intent to keep going with a leveled stare. It’s a warning she hopes Annie will heed. She won’t patronize the other girl by holding back, just as always.
She realizes too late, as her fist makes contact with Annie’s face, that Annie intends to take the hit again. She lands the punch to her still tender jaw, sending her spinning before she falls to her knees. Mikasa is shaken at how broken she looks.
“Get up, Annie, and hit me back.”
Mikasa is worried now. Annie never backs down from a fight, never.
She nudges her leg with her toe, provoking her. “Don’t be weak.”
Slowly, Annie stands up, looking ragged and weary. Though she’s covered in dirt and raw from Mikasa’s blows, what scares Mikasa is her eyes. Usually vibrant blue, alive in their exhilarating iciness, her eyes are now heavy with sorrow...regret even, dimmed and lifeless as she spits out a wad of blood.
Mikasa clenches her fists and screams her name. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. “ANNIE! FIGHT BACK!”
She will make Annie come back, she has to make her respond. She won’t let her lose her spark, the perseverance that makes her stand above the rest. She won’t let her stop. She won’t let her lose to whatever is trying to claim her.
“FIGHT!” Her fist connects with Annie’s chin and the blonde’s eyes snap shut, her body falling limp to the ground.
No...
Mikasa’s eyes well up with tears as it finally sinks in that Annie will not fight back, can’t fight back, as she lies passed out on the ground. Something inside her has shattered, and Mikasa’s chest is constricted, heavy with remorse as she kneels beside her form.
Mikasa never wanted to see her like this.
She gingerly picks Annie up and lays her head on her lap, thankful for the rain that conceals her own falling tears that drop onto Annie’s cheeks.
Whatever was eating this girl up inside had to be bigger than them, had to be more substantial than Annie having lingering regret over hurting Mikasa so badly. The person in her lap was an empty shell, devoid of an willpower to keep moving forward.
Mikasa wants to make it better. She wonders if she’s brave enough, if she’s strong enough, to shoulder Annie’s burdens. To help her or protect her. She wonders if it’s wise to try, if she even has room left in her heart to do so.
She thinks that for her, it might be worth it.
When the rain comes down harder Annie stirs, blinking a few times as she comes to before she looks up at the face over her.
“Why...did you stop?.”
Mikasa furrows her brows.
“I’m still breathing...I...don’t want to be breathing.”
Mikasa tries hard not to cry, her jaw clenched as she fights to quell the swell of emotions within her. So that was why Annie wasn’t fighting. She wanted Mikasa to kill her.
“Don’t say that.”
Don’t say that you want to die, Annie. Don’t you dare give up.
When her words fail her, she holds Annie to her chest, the rain beating down on them as Annie wraps her arms around Mikasa, clinging to her firmly. Mikasa wishes they could stay like this, wishes she could hold Annie in her arms and protect her from herself, save her from the internal distress that follows her like a shadow.
“Please don’t ever say that…” Mikasa speaks the words softly, holding Annie tight.
--
Annie lets herself stay in Mikasa’s arms for just a moment more before rolling out of her grip. Instantly she misses the warmth, the strong embrace and silent comfort Mikasa offered her but Annie knows she doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t get to have this.
Seven days from now, Annie is going to betray her. Betray them all. She is going to take away and destroy everything that MIkasa has dedicated her life to.
It’s why she had wanted Mikasa to end her, so that she could escape her fate. But she knows by now that things are never that easy. Death would be too easy.
Instead she must have more blood on her hands, kill more, obliterate all that stand in her way in order to go home. She wonders about afterwards, if she’ll ever be able to find peace, haunted by the lives she’s taken, involuntary sacrifices for her own eventual payoff. She knows she’s lost a large part of her humanity and wonders if the cost justifies the ultimate goal. But she’s driven by something that she knows no one could ever understand but herself, the promise she kept, the hopes she harbours for a better life. It is her burden alone to bear, and it is not an easy one to shoulder.
If Mikasa had killed her, she would have spared Annie and herself.
But she hadn’t.
Now no one could save them.
When she walks away from Mikasa she doesn’t look back, leaving the other girl kneeling on the ground. She can feel her eyes on her, thinks she hears her call her name, but she doesn’t stop, picking up speed until she’s running full speed towards the woods.
As soon as she’s sure she’s deep within the confines of the vines, dark shrubbery and gummy mud she wraps her arms around the tree closest to her, sinking down it’s length as she cries into the bark, feeling the wood etch into her skin as she presses into it, willing it to be Mikasa instead of a wet, cold and lifeless fixture. Of their own volition, wretched sobs escape from her throat and she feels as if someone is physically pulling them out, stripping her bare, leaving her sore and defenseless and vulnerable as she wishes with all of her heart that she had a different life.
In another life, she could have stayed in Mikasa’s arms forever.
In another life, she wouldn’t have to murder her comrades in the name of a singular, selfish goal that she was well aware was insignificant compared to what others were fighting for.
In another life, she could allow Mikasa to care about her. She could care for Mikasa.
Instead, she finds herself wishing that she hadn’t seen the warmth, the worry, the kindness in Mikasa’s eyes when she’d regained her consciousness.
She has no right to receive it.
Annie begins punching the bark until her knuckles bleed, the skin of them torn and mangled, red flesh ingrained with dirt as she tries to drown out the voices in her head.
It’s very late when Annie returns back to the dorms and Mikasa is waiting for her, standing still as she watches the blonde trudge up to the door.
Her eyes rake from Annie’s crumpled posture down to her hands and she clenches her teeth when she sees the injuries across her knuckles.
“That’s not from me.”
Annie stops, and Mikasa only needs to take a step forward before she’s in front of her, gently lifting Annie’s hands into her own.
She looks at the girl in front of her but Annie’s eyes stay trained to the ground, so still that Mikasa has so watch acutely to make sure she’s breathing.
Mikasa is about to suggest that they clean her up but Annie slides her hands out from Mikasa’s and lets them drop to her side, pulling her head up to meet Mikasa’s gaze.
Mikasa’s heart falls as she sees her eyes have regained the impenetrable mask she hasn’t seen since they first met, the stare devoid of any life or hint of what was going on inside her head that was reserved for everyone but Mikasa. Never Mikasa.
When Annie’s hands leave hers, Mikasa feels an inexplicable sense of loss, like something profound was just severed between them; a connection that had barely begun to burgeon, lost in the wind forever.
“Don’t worry about me.”
It’s Annie’s last words to her before she walks past her, eyes trained ahead as she disappears inside.
Mikasa is still for a moment, letting her words sink in before she closes her eyes, resting her forehead on the closed door.
Don’t worry about me.
If only it was that easy.