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It's not like me to feel this way. It's not like me to feel like reality is a dream. Like my actions and those of others aren't real.
Just a vague blur that seems to skip time and suddenly I'm somewhere else but I can't remember how I got there. I can't seem to think, can't seem to speak whatever thoughts did come through. It was just a blur.
A void.
There was no sound in the void. Or there was but it was muffled. Like when you step out of a party into the bathroom and everything around you suddenly feels like you've gone deaf with the constant whirlwind in your ears, beat vaguely audible. Like sound got sucked out of the room but I could still hear it all. Everything alongside a monotonous beep.
The kind you're supposed to hear when your hearing is damaged. The kind you hear when standing too close to an explosion. Only mine wasn't from my hearing, it was my dull mind trying to tell me my brain had flatlined.
Trying to tell me my body couldn't handle more of these thoughts before I'd crash and burn to the ground.
I was nearing my breaking point.
The soft click of a door made me jolt, head tilted back to gaze backwards but it wasn't anything to worry about. Just someone entering. I closed my eyes, counted to five, opened them again to stare at the same wall. It wasn't a dream. He still entered our place looking like that. Dishevelled with a satisfied grin placed on his features. I wanted to punch that grin off his face.
"Oh hey, Patrick, didn't see you there", he chimed.
I clenched my jaw, swallowed all anger I had inside to force my cheek muscles into a smile, hoping it didn't look too much like a grimace. "Hey, Pete. Where were you?"
He inched closer, fingers fumbling at the neck of a water bottle, trying to open it.
"MCR's here too. Had to say hi to them, right?"
"Of course", I stated. Last time I checked, saying hello didn't involve what you did, you liar. "So how are they?"
The bottle still didn't open and he stilled his hands for a moment. "Good. They weren't there actually. Just Mikey."
Just Mikey.
"I know", I murmured.
Pete raised an eyebrow and put the bottle down on the table. "You knew?"
"I walked past their spot", I dropped, eyes skimming him to see if he'd understand what I was fishing for.
His eyes widened, though he moved his head to the side to hide his face from me. "Really? When? I must've missed you."
Oh he thinks he's so clever.
"Nope, I saw you", I responded and he seemed to tense even more. "Where? Why didn't you say hi?"
"You were pretty busy", I barked, wishing for him to finally admit it.
I'd had it with this stupid dance. We were just walking around each other in a circle, waiting for the other to make a move but I wanted to hear it from him. "Seemed like you were thoroughly checking if Mikey was doing alright."
Still no reaction.
"So much that you'd even-…"
"Enough, Patrick", Pete cut me off, shoulders slumped. "I get it. You saw, but how?"
"Close the fucking curtains of the rear window", I hissed.
The words hung in the air and I expected him to deny them, to shoot me down, to ask me why I cared, to tell me it was none of my business but he didn't do anything. He only stared at the floor, tongue flicking over a cut in his lip.
I couldn't bear the silence but I didn't want to cave either. The tension was killing me but so was the pain. I'd never felt so abandoned, so alone, so… cast aside as I felt when I saw Pete and Mikey together.
Pete was supposed to be MY… my best friend. Not Mikey's boyfriend. MY best friend. And… and best friends had to be there for each other. Who the fuck am I kidding? Pete wasn't my best friend. Well, he was, but I wanted him to be so much more. I just couldn't admit it.
I was too scared.
No one could tie down Pete. He'd always be himself, fucking around, having fun, charming the pants off anyone. Even what he shared with Mikey was only temporary. He probably forgot all about him already, going "we need to do this more often!" but then he never calls him… I'd been on the side-line watching that relationship revive and die over and over again. I'd always thought it was just a friendly relationship but now I knew it was more than that.
That cut even deeper into me. The fact he didn't tell me he was-…
"Why didn't you tell me?" I broke the silence, feeling highly uncomfortable.
Pete looked up. "Didn't tell you what? That I was heading out to fuck someone?"
"No, that you… are into guys?"
The older man shrugged. "Didn't think I'd have to talk about something as personal as love. I don't need to tell anyone what my type is so why should I describe the gender of my type?"
Point taken. "Still. You tell me everything."
"God, Patrick, are you gonna act all butthurt over the fact I fucked Mikey?!"
"No, it's just…"
"It's none of your business who I date!" he called out, folding his arms.
"So you're dating?" I asked, feeling my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach.
Pete shook his head. "No. We never were. We just can't stay away from each other when we finally reunite. You know? Passionate reunions but they never last long."
I would have laughed if anything about this situation had been even remotely funny.
"I guess."
The bassist shoved a chair closer and sat down on it in front of me, bending down to look at my face. I didn't even realize I had averted my eyes from his while he spoke.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a dick about this but I just don't get why you're suddenly interested in my partners? You didn't give a shit until it was Mikey", he tried to reason and I nodded. "I was interested but it just took me a little off guard to see you guys like that."
"Sorry", Pete apologized. "I am. I'm still telling you everything. You wanna know what?"
"What?"
"He wasn't even that good", my best friend leaned in with a grin and it made me smile. "He wasn't?"
"No. He used to be better."
"Gross, Pete", I responded. "That's gross."
"Hey, you said you were interested!"
"In your partners, not the details of sex with them", I argued.
He chuckled. "Alright, I'll stop. Don't even worry. I think I lost interest in him anyway."
Good. He got up and took his water bottle off the table, finally opening it and taking a sip. "I'm gonna go find Joe and Andy. We're almost up on the main stage."
"Yeah, you should", I murmured, watching him turn his back on me.
I could've told him I liked him now.
He could've liked me back, right? The fact he tells me not to worry about his relationship with Mikey?
I opened my mouth, about to call him back to me when he suddenly turned around.
"How did you not notice I was into guys anyway?" Pete asked.
I frowned. "How should I have known?"
He laughed. "I had the biggest crush on you in the beginning. Always close to you. Hell, I kissed you once and you didn't react so I kinda just moved on. Don't worry though. I'm over you."
He opened the door and walked out, leaving me frozen. Pete used to have a crush on me and I unintentionally turned him down?
He is over me?
This really was my breaking point.