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It was a day like any other at the nursery. The sun was shining brightly and the littles were outside enjoying one of the last warm days of fall. Eventually they all decided on a group game of tag in which all the littles, Yao included, joined in. Not that Matthew’s little boy didn’t like tag or running around with the others. No, it was much more to do with how tired such activities made him. Yao wasn’t as young as he used to be, and he ran out of energy quickly due to his Osteomalacia.
It was his job as Baba to look out for him and make sure that he didn’t do much for his body to handle. In cases like this though, it was rather difficult. It would probably be better for Yao to sit on the sidelines here and watch the others play, but he couldn’t stand to do that to the boy. He so often felt left out when he wasn’t able to play. It was one thing for him to make the choice not to, but for his body to not allow him to play? Well that just broke the poor little boy’s heart, and in turn broke Matthew’s as well. So he let the boy play, watching by the sidelines to see when he started to tire so he could pull him out before he hurt himself. Unfortunately though, fate seemed to have other plans for the little boy.
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He was having a great time, running away from the person who was it, laughing and dodging along with everyone else. It didn’t matter to him that he wasn’t the fastest or most agile anymore, all that mattered was that he was having fun and for once was able to forget about his aging body. The world seemed it was high time to remind him of it though, as Feli tagged him as it. At first he was not bothered, rushing after the others trying to tag them. But soon enough he started getting frustrated. He couldn’t catch any of them! They were all too quick for him, and his body was rapidly starting to tire and ache.
Tears started to gather in his eyes, and he started to quickly slow down. His body couldn’t take much more of this. The others seemed to notice his distress, and stopped running away from him. Sweet little Lila came forward, holding out her hand so that he could tag her. He was grateful, touching her hand lightly then retreating to the sidelines. He sat down on the bench and brought his knees up tight to his chest, his body shaking lightly with incoming sobs. He bit his lip, trying to keep them in. He didn’t want to cry in front of everyone like some little baby. Why did things have to be this way?! Why did he have to keep getting older and weaker? It only served to remind him that he was coming closer and closer to the day that he would cease to be, and the thought terrified him.
Soon enough he heard someone rush up to him and kneel in front of him, and he instantly knew who it was. He lifted his head up a bit to catch a glimpse of his Baba’s bespectacled face before burying his head back into his knees. Knowing that Baba was here though served to relax him a bit, allowing him to let go of his lip and let out the sobs he’d been so desperately trying to keep inside. He cried big gulping tears, trying and failing to catch his breath. He needed to get out of here, away from all the prying eyes of the other children.
Baba seemed to realize this, and he felt himself being scooped up and held again the other man’s chest. Matthew was lucky that he didn’t weigh as much as some of the others littles, or this would be quite hard for him. He didn’t think much more on that though. All his thoughts turned to getting out of here, somewhere where it would be just him and Baba, and he could tell the other man what was wrong and he could make it all better, just as he always did.
Matthew though had his doubts about how good he was at comforting. It was a natural thought to have; all caregivers think it once in a while. Can I fix this? Can I measure up in the faith that he has in me to make this better? He always worried that this would be the time that he would fail him; that he wouldn’t be able to confront the big hurts that Yao held inside and he would leave the little boy sad and broken. But just as every other time that he steeled himself against such thoughts. No! He couldn’t think like that! He was going to make this better for his little one, there was no other choice.
He brought them to the quiet room and sat down on the plush couch. The other teachers knew not to disturb him, so they would stay in here as long as his little boy needed to. He held him comfortably on this lap, the little one snuggled up with his head on his chest, and for a while he just rubbed boy’s back, whispering soothing words and listening to his quiet sniffles and sobs. After a while Yao seemed to calm down, and the boy began to fiddle with the buttons on Matthew’s shirt.
He was about to question what had caused the crying fit when the older man spoke up on his own. “Why does my body have to be like this Baba? Why does it keep getting weaker and weaker?” Here he sniffled and nuzzled in deeper to his chest, head nestled under Matthew’s chin. “I h-hate it!” he stammered out. “I used to be so strong, so powerful! I could look after myself and I…I didn’t need anyone else! But now…I’m just going to keep growing older and weaker until I won’t be able to care for myself anymore! And then….” And here he choked on his words, almost not daring to say them. “And then I’ll…die.” He whispered the last word, as if afraid that even speaking to aloud would cause it to come true right then and there.
Matthew clutched the boy tight at those words. That was something that scared him too. He knew that Yao was old, older than any other living nation. And one day…one day he would be gone. Nothing can last forever, and even mighty kingdoms will one day fall. But the mere thought of losing his little boy terrified him. He had devoted so much of his heart to the little boy that even the mere thought of losing him was enough to send Matthew himself into near hysterics. He kept a grip on himself though; he couldn’t afford to lose his cool, not while Yao was sitting here on his lap, desperately needing his Baba’s care and guidance.
He stroked his hands through his little one’s long brown hair, and began to talk. “I know that it’s scary little one. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have your body change on you like that; to have it weaken and betray you in ways that you never imagined. And I know that you must feel so alone, that no one understands what you’re going through, and that you have to suffer through this by yourself. But baby, you really don’t. I love you so much, so very much, and I will be by your side every step of the way. Whenever you feel like you can’t do something, or you start to struggle, I will be by your side. Whenever you start to feel weaker, I will help you with the things that you can’t do. We’re family after all, aren’t we? There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do to help you. And if the day one day comes where your body is ready to leave this world…” and here Matthew had to stop for a second to wipe the tears from his eyes, “then I will be right there, holding your hand. You will never, ever be alone baby. I promise.”
Yao continued crying, though he wasn’t sure what was inspiring the tears. Was it his continued fear of death? His happiness at never being alone? Or a general confusion on how to feel? He wasn’t quite sure. His Baba’s words helped soothe him definitely, but they didn’t rid him of the fear entirely. He clench Matthew’s shirt tightly in his hands and whimpered out. “I-I’m scared Baba! I’m so scared of dying! I don’t want to die!” he sobbed out, the mere thought continuing to terrify him.
Matthew felt his heart clench, and his tears also intensified. Still, he managed to keep his head and kept trying to talk his baby down. “I know, I know you’re scared Yao. No one wants to die little Panda. And it’s a sad truth that it’s going to happen eventually to everyone, whether we want it to or not. And you can choose to wallow in it, and feel sad and sorry for this fact, or you can chose to embrace this truth and learn to live with it. And here’s the thing kiddo, once you accept that it’s going to happen, it has no more power over you. You can live your life to the fullest, and be happy in spite of that fact. We nations are blessed with long lives, which means that we have so many years to fill with happy memories. And I know that many of your memories haven’t been happy, but now I’m here to make sure that they are. I’ll be right here doing my best to make sure that every day we are together is a happy one. So one day, when you breathe your final breath, you’ll be able to look back on the time that we spent together and be happy rather than sad.”
God, the relief that came from Matthew’s words was beyond his comprehension. Yes, he was happy and safe now wasn’t he? No more wars, no more betrayals, no more having to defend himself alone from all sides. He had his Baba now, someone who would never leave him or make him feel hurt and alone as others had. He didn’t need to be afraid of what the future would bring, not as long as he had this sweet and caring man by his side. Getting old didn’t seem quite so scary or daunting when he knew that no matter what, he would have a shoulder to lean on.
He tilted up his head and pressed a kiss to Matthew’s cheek, then snuggled into his chest once more with a little smile playing on his lips, the first since this whole thing had started. He knew that he was still afraid, and he would still be upset over the whole thing, but he wasn’t alone anymore. Whenever he was scared or sad, all he had to do was go to his Baba to feel better again. And one day…one day when it was his time to go, he’d have this wonderful man there to see him off. Well, that didn’t sound so bad now did it?
Though he’d calmed down quite a bit, he wasn’t quite ready to leave the comfort of Matthew’s lap. The other man was so warm, and held him with great reverence, as if he was the most precious of treasures. It made him feel so very little and cared for, and for now he just wanted to wrap himself up in the feeling like a warm blanket. So he did. The two of them sat there, tears long forgotten, enjoying each other’s company. They were both happy, knowing that with the other by their side, each day would be filled with bright smiles and warm hugs, with love and happiness, from this day until their last.