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Tonight should not have been different from any other. He’d followed his normal bedtime routine and had stayed entirely on schedule. He hadn’t eaten anything he wasn’t supposed to either, and that was quite the feat considering that Matthew had made another batch of his famous chocolate chip cookies, but had only let him have one before bed. One! That just made him hungry for more! But still, he resisted. Though honestly it was more because after the last time he ate a lot of Matthew’s cookies he’d ended up with a monster tummy ache that he didn’t want a repeat of anytime soon.
But despite all that, instead of drifting off to a nice, peaceful sleep he was treated to a horrible nightmare. It had started off normal enough, with him and Matthew sitting quietly and listening to some classical music over the radio. He was resting with his head pillowed in the other man’s lap, and Matthew was running his fingers through his hair. It reminded him of many a lovely evening spent with his Papa in peace and tranquility, just enjoying in each other’s company. This time though was much different.
The dream started taking a turn for the worse when Matthew suddenly stood up, causing him to fall off the man’s lap and take quite a tumble. He bumped his leg on the way down, which hurt, though not as much as what Matthew was about to say. “How can you listen to this garbage?” The other man said, turning the radio off. “Gosh, you’re such a stuck up priss! I don’t know why I put up with you. You’re so strange, you know that? You never want to run around and get dirty, or play games and sports that the other kids do. No, you’d just rather sit here for hours and listen to music. God, you’re such a bore!”
He’d felt his eyes tear up at hearing his Papa say such things to him. He didn’t think Matthew had ever had a problem with how he behaved. He thought the man had loved him just the way that he was. “Ah, are you gonna cry? Such a little weakling you are. No wonder people keep leaving you you’re so weak and troublesome. All you ever do is fuss at me and boss me around. You think you’re a little prince, when all you are is a huge annoyance. God, if you don’t change soon I might just have to leave you to.”
“No!” he’d shouted, getting up even though his leg still hurt and threw his arms around the other man. “Please don’t leave me to vatti! I can be good! I promise! I won’t be fussy anymore! I’ll play like the other children! Don’t leave me too, please!” He couldn’t bear to lose his Papa! Though he sometimes struggled to show it, he loved the man deeply, and he’d thought that Matthew had loved him as well. Maybe not though, seeing as he was so eager to be rid of him. Even so, he didn’t want him to leave. He didn’t want to be alone again.
“Would you get off of me?” Matthew yelled, throwing him off to the side, adding a nice bump on the head to accompany the hurt leg. “You know what, you’re out of chances. I’m leaving. I hope you enjoy the rest of your miserable life all alone, and I hope you know the reason why you’re all alone is that you’ve driven off anyone who’s ever care for you.” Without another word Matthew turned around and started to head out the door.
“Noooo! Please wait! Please give me another chance, I can change! I can be a good boy I swear.” Gone was his usual decorum and posh attitude. Now all that was left was the frightened little boy who had spent more than enough of his life alone, and who didn’t want to lose anyone else. He tried to rush after him, but his leg and head ached, slowing him down. It seemed like every step he took Matthew was only getting further and further away. “No! Papa please! You promised that you would never leave me! PAPA COME BACK!!!”
He woke up with a yelp, and it took a few minutes to realize that it had all been a dream. None of it was real. It had seemed to go on forever, but finally he was awake. Still, he couldn’t shake off those awful feelings, and he found himself calling out for his Papa. What he needed right now was reassurance. He needed to be told that he was good, and that his Papa still loved him.
Matthew rushed in moments later, half expecting the house to be on fire after the urgency and velocity of his scream. At the sight of him Roderich reached out his arms, wanting nothing more than to be comforted by his vatti. Usually he would have calmed down on his own but this time he needed the other man’s gentle touch and calming embrace. He needed to be told that he was loved and that Matthew would never leave him like that, at least not without a good reason.
He felt hot tears descend down his face, and before long he was sobbing. His Papa shushed him gently and whispered sweet nothings in his ear, trying to calm him down from his near frantic state. He wanted to tell him about the dream so that his vatti could tell him that everything was alright, but he just couldn’t seem to get the words out. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been crying before a sweet voice and melody cut through his wails.
“Baby mine, don’t you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine.”
Despite himself his tears seemed to slow, and he found himself calming down so that he could listen to Matthew’s song. He’d always loved this lullaby, and even though Matthew didn’t have the most beautiful singing voice he’d ever heard, he still loved it whenever he sang for him. He supposed that it was because he’d never really had anyone sing for him that made the real difference. He’d heard many wonderful singers perform for crowds of hundreds, but it was different to have someone sing just for him. It felt more special and personal, and he loved the warmth that came with Matthew singing something just for him.
“Little one when you play. Don’t you mind what they say. Let those eyes sparkle and shine, never a tear baby of mine.”
He let his head rest on Matthew’s shoulder, content to just listen and calm down until he was ready to tell his Papa what his dream had been about.
“If they knew sweet little you, they'd end up loving you too. All those same people who scold you, what they'd give just for the right to hold you. From your head to your toes, you're so sweet, goodness knows. You are so precious to me. Sweet as can be, baby of mine.”
As Matthew finished he bent his head so he could kiss his cheek, and he found he still had a few more tears left to shed. “Now my little prince, could you tell me what is wrong?” “I’m not a little prince,” he mumbled out, wiping his last few stray tears. “Now, why would you say that? You’re a little prince to me. My sweet little prince who I love with my whole heart.”
Roderich sniffled again and felt his lips tremble. “So you don’t want me to change then? You don’t want me to stop being so fussy and bossy all the time? You don’t want me to stop acting so stuffy and be like the other children?” Matthew looked perplexed by his question. “No, of course not sweetheart. I love you so much my little one, just as you are. Why would you ever think differently?”
He looked away from him and told him of the dream. He told him of what dream Matthew had said, and how hurt it had made him feel. “I…I know I’m not the easiest person to deal with,” he admitted, grabbing a nearby hanky and dabbing at his nose. “I know I’m not what most people would want out of a little. They’d want them to be more fun and energized, and I understand if you would be disappointed that I’m not like that…”
It was here that Matthew stopped him, taking hold of his chin and turning his head so that he was forced to look in his eyes. Oh dear, Matthew was crying! Had he managed to upset him somehow? “Now you listen here Roderich, I have to tell you something very important. Are you listening?” He nodded, slightly apprehensive about what Matthew was going to say.
“I love you Roderich, so, so very much. You are my sun and my stars. You’re my whole world. I could have chosen any other little, but I didn’t. I chose you for a reason, and it was because no one inspires these same feelings of love and a want to protect that you do. I don’t care that you’re not like the other littles. You’re Roderich, my sweet little prince, and I wouldn’t want you any other way. I am never going to leave you, not of my own choice anyway. And if anyone tried to separate us then I would fight them off as hard as I could. I would do anything to make sure that you stay safe by my side.”
Roderich once again found himself crying, though this time it was with joy. His vatti really did want him after all huh? Just the way that he was? All his anxiety and self-consciousness that had arisen from the nightmare melted away, and all that was left was love for his amazing Papa. He threw his arms around Matthew once more, and held him tightly.
“I love you Papa,” he chocked out.
“I love you to my sweet little boy.”