Work Text:
Merlin happily accepts the porpoise and asks, as per tradition, “What’s his name?”
“Al,” Arthur says, reaching for the small box in his pocket as he watches Merlin’s face.
He’ll take out the ring and go down on one knee as soon as he sees Merlin’s realization -
Merlin frowns in disappointment. “Al?”
“Yes, Al,” Arthur says.
“Oh. Well, that’s a good name!” Merlins says, much too cheerfully. “Al the porpoise. That’s great. Al.”
Arthur stares at him.
Okay. Okay. On one hand, proposing to your boyfriend through a stuffed animal and a pun is risky. There’s a chance that he won’t get it. But damn it, stuffed animals with ridiculous names are very important to Merlin and Arthur, and Merlin makes like fifty dumb puns a week, and Arthur cannot believe -
“Don’t you get it?” Arthur prompts.
Merlin looks like he’s thinking very hard. “Is he named after Al Gore, because porpoises are endangered and … and… I don’t know!”
“He’s Al, the porpoise,” Arthur says. “The porpoise is named Al.”
“Yes, I got that,” Merlin says, slightly annoyedly, which is annoying because it's clearly completely untrue.
Arthur opens his mouth to explain, then shuts it without saying anything. Does he really want his marriage proposal to be an explanation of an apparently really shitty pun? No. No, he does not.
He should have gone with the bee named Troth, even though Troth is a really terrible name.
He should have gone with the damn ringbear, even though that’s not creative at all.
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually,” Arthur says.
*
The problem with Arthur’s plan to wait and let Merlin realize for himself that Arthur’s given him a proposal (or rather, a porpoise-Al) is that Arthur already called Hunith to ask for her blessing and told her when he was going to propose, so now she’s probably expecting an update.
Arthur glares at Al while he listens to the phone ring. “This is your fault,” he tells the porpoise. He feels unkind immediately, but can’t apologize aloud because Hunith has just picked up.
“Arthur! I’ve been waiting all day to hear how it went!" she says, sounding delighted, clearly not imagining Merlin could have said anything but yes.
“You know how I was going to propose with a porpoise,” he starts, as he pets Al’s head apologetically.
“Yes,” Hunith says. “So perfect.”
“Well, Merlin didn’t get the pun,” Arthur says. “I named the porpoise Al, but he didn’t get it. So I thought I’d just give him a minute. And then a few more minutes. And now I’ve given him five hours and he still doesn’t get it. But - but I don’t want to propose marriage by explaining a pun. That’s not romantic!”
“No,” Hunith says, sounding odd. “No, not romantic at all.”
“So I’m just going to wait until he figures it out himself,” Arthur says.
“I’m sure he will soon,” Hunith says. “Arthur, I’m so sorry, but -“
Arthur’s about to say that it isn’t really a tragedy, just a mild inconvenience, but then he realizes Hunith isn’t apologizing for her son’s ridiculousness, but for her own, because she bursts out laughing.
Arthur sighs and pets the porpoise again.
*
“About the porpoise,” Merlin says later that night, after dinner.
Arthur looks up immediately and starts reaching into his pocket again.
“I didn’t mean to sound disappointed,” Merlin says. “I really do like him. And his name! It’s funny because now we have a bunch of stuffed animals with ridiculous names, and then one with a normal human name!”
Arthur takes his hand out of his pocket.
“That wasn’t the joke, was it,” Merlin says.
“Nope,” Arthur says.
*
“Is the joke that there is no joke, so I’ll drive myself crazy trying to think of reasons to name a porpoise Al?” Merlin asks, a few days later.
Arthur waits to see if saying “porpoise Al” in that order has helped Merlin figure anything out. It apparently hasn’t.
“No,” he says.
“Are you sure?” Merlin asks.
“Positive,” Arthur says.
Merlin narrows his eyes at Arthur like he might not really believe him. Arthur grins, and Merlin goes back to examining the porpoise. He’s decided using the internet to figure out the “joke” is cheating, and Arthur’s getting very tired of carrying a ring in his pocket and waiting for Merlin to have an epiphany.
*
Gwen stops by their flat and sees the porpoise. She sighs. “What did you call this one?”
“Arthur named it Al,” Merlin says, in defeated tones.
Gwen squeals and then claps her hands over her mouth. “What did you say?!”
“I said it was a good name?” Merlin says.
“No, I mean…” Gwen frowns up at Arthur.
“I’m waiting for him to get it on his own,” Arthur explains. “It’s been a week.”
“It’s only been six days!” Merlin says. “And you won’t even give me a hint!”
*
The next night, Merlin wakes Arthur up by clubbing him around the head with the porpoise.
“Hey!” Arthur complains, rescuing the porpoise from Merlin's mistreatment.
“Yes,” Merlin says. “Yes, yes, yes.”