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For Alexander Price, his brother wasn’t much more than a faded, if highly cherished, memory. He clearly remembered seeing him around the house, eating breakfast, and taking him to the park, but there wasn’t much more than that. While Kevin had been the eldest of the Price children, Alexander was the baby of the family, separated from him by three other siblings, and he’d only just turned seven when Kevin had left for his mission to Uganda.
When he was ten, Alex remembered driving to the airport with his parents and siblings and seeing Kevin for the first time in two years. He remembered being shy and hiding behind mum’s legs, scared to see a sibling that he didn’t really remember all too well.
Kevin had smiled brightly at him – a real, happy, smile, not the plastic ones that he’d seen on some adults – and had happily waited until he’d been ready to smother him in hugs and ruffle his hair. His brother was warm, and kind, which was different from the memories that surfaced if he really thought back to when he was six, of an outgoing young man with a tongue that, while not silver, was tainted with a false warmth.
Alex had decided there and then, in the airport, that he wanted to be just like his brother Kevin.
When Kevin had been home for just over a month, something in him began to change. He withdrew more from the family, found excuses to be alone, and Alex would often hear whispered conversations between him and somebody else on the phone. He still smiled brightly at Alex, in that honest, genuine way that he did, but something was different.
“Is something wrong?” he remembered asking while he and Kevin were curled up on the couch together, The Hunchback of Notre Dame playing softly on the TV.
Kevin had smiled back, his face looking pained, “of course not, Alex. Why?”
Alex shrugged but didn’t say anything more. He didn’t think Kevin was telling the truth, but good Mormon’s never lie, and Kevin was a good Mormon, so he must have been.
Alex had been in bed when the shouting began. The loud and thunderous yelling from his father and the hysterical pleading of his mother as Kevin responded in smooth, confident tones that bordered on terrified. It was swiftly followed by thumping footsteps up the stairs, the zipping of bags, and a slamming door. He remembered the deafening silence and the soft sobbing of his mother.
“How could he have done this, Arthur? He was always such a good boy,”
“He’s a filthy fag, Laura. I don’t want him in this house,”
“What did we do wrong? How could we fail so badly?”
“We didn’t fail him. He failed himself, allowing himself to indulge in such sinful temptations,”
Alex didn’t really get what they were talking about. He’d have to ask Kevin tomorrow at breakfast.
Kevin was gone two months after his return from Uganda, and almost all signs of him were stripped from the house. When Alex asked about it, his father simply told him to never talk about Kevin again, and his mother pursed her lips at him before asking what he wanted for breakfast.
Alex was 15 when it finally clicked in his head as to what had happened to his brother, and he was angry. Angry because he’d been left without a goodbye, angry because his parents had kicked his brother out, angry because Kevin had allowed himself to be homosexual and fall to temptation, right into Satan’s clutches.
He’d heard stories about homosexuals. About how they saw Heavenly Father’s greatness and spat at his feet. About how they walked into Hell as they lived in sin. About how they were perverse and evil, and that if anybody was having trouble with homosexual temptation, they should inform the Church so they could be saved and cured. Kevin could have allowed Heavenly Father into his heart, but instead he was selfish, caring only about himself and nobody else, only inane lust for disgusting acts.
… But that didn’t sound like Kevin. It didn’t sound like him at all, because Kevin was warm and friendly, and shared his cookies with him in those two months when he was home. He remembered hair ruffles and gleaming smiles of true joy when he brought home a spelling test or maths worksheet with a good mark. Kevin was… good.
Alex was 15 when it finally clicked in his head as to what had happened to his brother, and he was angry at… something. He wasn’t angry at Kevin. He knew that much.
When everybody else in the Price household was sleeping, Alexander Price was reading. He read blog after blog and website after website, and it was giving him whiplash. There were so many people out there. So many opinions and religions and lifestyles. He read about those that believed in other gods than his own, and those that believed in no god at all, he read posts from people thrown to the streets because they dared to love somebody of the same-sex, and Alex dully registered that his brother wasn’t alone, and something heavy fell into his gut, because if Heavenly Father was so kind, why did he allow his followers to be so cruel?
As he read through the Book the next day, suddenly it wasn’t as comforting as it previously had been.
Alexander Price was sixteen when, half-way through the pledge of allegiance, he realised he was an atheist.
He was good at hiding things. He realised this after he went to Church and spoke to the Bishop, took part in activities and read the book with a straight face with no suspicion. He felt like he was prey surrounded by predators that were watching for weakness so they could pounce and tear him apart.
He wondered if this is how Kevin had felt those two months at home. He hoped not.
When he was eighteen, he started to think about what the future meant for him. He’d have to go on a mission, he realised, to talk to people about a faith he no longer believed. His sister’s and brother ahead of him had already gone and returned from their missions, Chloe going to Spain, Mellissa to South Korea, and Jack to Germany, and they had all enjoyed their missions to the fullest.
“We brought so many people to the Church,” Chloe had gushed, “it was wonderful, watching all those people find Heavenly Father in their hearts.”
Alex had smiled, but he honestly felt a little bit sickened by it all.
He decided that he very much did not want to go on a mission, and instead he opened his computer and googled ‘Kevin Price.’
Just before he turned nineteen, Alexander Price ran away from home with tickets from Provo, Utah to New York City, New York and a densely packed suitcase. He left a short note explaining his choices and how sorry he was to his family, but not for himself, and didn’t say where he had left to. He was sure they’d figure it out on their own, one way or another.
Stepping off the plane at JFK airport was like stepping into chaos. Businessmen walking every which way, parents with children attempting to sooth them after a long flight, people grabbing bags and trying to escape as quickly as possible.
He passed through security, pulled his backpack onto his shoulders, and gripped his suitcase tightly as he walked out of the arrivals gate. With his head high and proud, he looked past the hugging families and the giggling friends, he searched for the man he hadn’t seen in person for nearly ten years.
He spotted his brother with another man – Connor, he guessed, from what Kevin had told him in the limited time they had to speak. He was on his tip-toes, scanning the crowd, and Alex watched as he broke into a grin at the sight of him, shouting out his name. Kevin’s smile was just as bright as he remembered, he thought, as arms swept him into a hug and spun him, and Alex clung to him just as tight, eyes feeling a little wet as he buried his face into his brother’s shoulder.
Kevin pulled away, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes as well, “you got so tall- oh look at you!” he gushed, brushing hair away from Alex’s eyes.
“Not as tall as you,” he teased back.
“Well, you can’t outgrow your big brother, now can you?” Kevin playfully chided, “Everybody knows that,” he went quiet for a moment, eyes flicking downwards, “I… I know this isn’t exactly under the best circumstances, but… I’m so happy you’re here.”
Alex leant forward to hug him again, “me too.”