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The rain had started twenty minutes ago, completing the miserable picture.
A huge accident on the M5 had left Ellie and Hardy stranded in the resulting traffic jam, still miles away from home after a long day. The radio had been turned off an hour ago when Hardy couldn’t settle on a station and there was nothing all that interesting in the surrounding fields. If anything, the addition of the noise of the rain hitting the car roof was a welcome distraction.
It didn’t entirely end Ellie’s boredom and she let her hands slip from the wheel with a sigh. All she wanted was to see her kids and crawl into bed. Her goal hadn’t felt further away since they stopped moving thirty minutes ago.
Next to her, she heard the crinkling sound of a carrier bag and saw Hardy was retrieving the packaged salad he had bought from a service station. Ellie tried to stamp down on her jealousy. She’d eaten her own sandwich almost immediately.
With nothing better to do, she watched as Hardy picked out the peppers with a grimace. She smiled to herself; of course he hated the only part of the salad with any flavour.
Watching Hardy eat had slowly became a favourite pastime of Ellie’s. The methodical way he would pick at whatever he was given, even his own cooking, amused her. Between that and the grimace he wore made her wonder if he would avoid eating altogether if he wouldn’t die. It was so different to how she would tuck into anything with a shrug.
It was part of who he was though. The careful way he went through his life, never fully trusting anyone or anything until they had proved themselves. The poor salad had only been in the car with them for an afternoon and had no chance of passing Hardy’s strict tests this early in their relationship.
It made her think back, to try and pinpoint the moment he stopping picking her apart and accepted what was in front of him. In the end, she couldn’t think of single event, but decided it had been a gradual thing. With the help of her slowly nesting her way into his world and circumstances forcing him to let her, he had eventually trusted her with the most treasured parts of him.
The day he had cautiously introduced her to an indifferent Daisy, she had teased him about the way she had known him months before even learning his daughter’s name. Now, the contrast made her smile.
A police motorbike whizzed by on the hard shoulder and Ellie closed her eyes with a sigh. No amount of hoping was going to shorten their journey. It was going to be a long night.
Weirdly, the idea of being stuck in a small metal box didn’t worry her. It would normally be her idea of hell. Not moving, being unable to run or hide. Constantly being active was the only thing that had saved her after her life had careened off the road it had been on. But now, she was perfectly still, not fidgeting or desperately making small talk that made her cringe and wish she would just shut up.
The silence wasn’t suffocating. It was nice. Relaxing, even.
There was no pressure on her to be the face of the community or be a competent leader. She wasn’t worried about what Fred was doing in the other room or if Tom was where he had told her he would be. Her dad wasn’t three seconds away from insulting her.
She just… was.
A crunch from the passenger seat reminded her she wasn’t alone. Hardy chewed his food as he pushed the rest around with his fork, deliberately choosing his next bite like it made a bloody scrap of difference which leaf he ate before the others.
It was odd, Ellie thought, to be with someone else and not feel the pressing need to fill the space with noise, to expel enough personality that no one would look at her closely enough to see the cracks. There was no need for pretence when she was sharing a moment with Hardy.
There was so much else going on in their lives and she was so much more, but in that tiny space, she was free from it all. All of the roles and obligations that she filled to get through the day. In that car, in that moment, she was just Ellie and for once it felt like that was enough.
Raindrops lashed against the windscreen as Ellie came to the realisation that it was the most comfortable she had ever been with another person.
It wasn’t until Hardy glance up that she realised that she was staring at him.
He swallowed his food. “What have I done?”
“Nothing.” Ellie found her voice sounded too loud, too jarring for the swirling mess in her head.
“I’ve always done something.”
“No, really, it’s nothing.”
“Sure?”
The arch of his eyebrow made her look away. She had never thought of an eyebrow as something a person could be attracted to but Hardy had a habit of making her look at the world differently. “You’re annoying me now.”
“See? Always something,” he muttered, going back to his food. The clip on the plastic fork came off, causing it to bend in the middle. The cucumber that been so carefully speared fell back into the tub. When Ellie said nothing about it, Hardy sighed. “What?”
“I’ve already told you-”
“You’re still thinking something.”
Unable to find anything outside of the car to believably hold her interest, Ellie was forced to meet Hardy’s patient gaze. “I-”
All of the revelations she had had in the last five minutes jammed together in her throat. A million different ways to explain one simple truth and none of them she could vocalise.
Unless, of course, she cut to the chase and told him in the most basic terms. Scrape away all the context and decoration until all that was left was the raw fact, as ugly and beautiful as it could be in its purest form.
Was this the right place though? The central lane of the M5 on a rainy Tuesday evening they would forget otherwise? Could she just blurt it out? Wasn’t there meant to be some kind of build up?
“I was just...”
“You might as well tell me.” Hardy peered out of the windscreen. “Can’t see us moving any time soon.”
His profile in the harsh artificial lights, features cut up between shadow and the orange glare, made her think of paintings she never had the patience to work out the meanings of. Why bother with an frozen imitation when reality buzzed all around you? She somehow knew Hardy would love art galleries. Everything slowed down so he could properly delve into the mysteries left by artists long dead but still trying to speak.
“I love you.”
Ellie waited for panic or nausea to set in, but it never came.
“Right,” Hardy said, fixing his broken fork and skewing the same piece of cucumber.
“Yeah.”
He chewed and nodded. “Okay.”
Ellie replayed the last few seconds in her mind. Twice. “Is - is that it?”
He paused mid-bite. “Is what it?”
“I tell you I love you and that’s the reaction I get?”
Her tone caught him and he swallowed. “I love you, too,” he replied with a shrug.
For a moment, words failed Ellie, but they never did so for long. “You are unbelievable.”
“What did I do?” he spluttered, wide eyed.
“Shut up or I’ll make you walk home.”
“We’re twenty miles away!”
“Oh, I know.” Even though they had shown no signs of moving, Ellie wrapped her hands around the wheel. It was better that than Hardy’s neck. Probably.
Hardy shifted in his seat to face her. “Please just tell me what I did.”
Praying for the patience she knew she rarely had these days, Ellie closed her eyes and counted to ten. Part of knowing Hardy, was understanding how his bluntness usually stemmed from him being hopeless with social cues. It wasn’t the first time he had done something like this, upset her and asked for an explanation, but it was easily the angriest she had been.
“I told you I loved you - having second thoughts by the way,” she added, side eyeing him, “and you shrugged until I prompted you to say something and then you tell me you love me just for something to say.”
Hardy frowned as though considering her version of events but then looked baffled. “I didn’t know what you wanted me say! What did you want me to do?”
“React!”
“How?”
“However you normally react when you learn someone loves you instead-”
“Why are you acting like it was a huge deal?”
Whatever response Ellie thought he might fire back at her, it hadn’t been that. She stared at him, too stunned to speak, occasionally opening her mouth so a strangled noise could escape.
“Oh, you have got to be shitting me.”
The cold rage in her voice made him lean back against the window. “It’s not like it’s the first time-”
“It was!” she yelled. “It was, you fucking- I don’t even know. You have invented a new level of bastard and the English language can’t keep up!”
“I didn’t know! I don’t keep track of these things! It’s just words. People can say whatever they want but it doesn’t make it true or special,” Hardy growled. He ran his hand through his hair and gesticulated with the other. “I know you love me because you - you act like it.”
He looked at her beseechingly but all Ellie could manage in return was a blank stare. She had no idea if fury or surprise were winning the battle inside of her, but she did know Hardy was building himself up to a rant.
“You’ve been stuck in a car with me for two hours now,” he pointed out, “and haven’t killed me. You can tell when people are annoying me and you do all the talking so I don’t have to. You remind me to take my medication.” He sighed and sat back heavily, facing the passenger side window.
With his head turned away, she could barely hear his last words.
“Every day, Miller. You show me every day.”
Ellie didn’t move for a long time. Instead, she stared at the back of his head, rumpled from travel and his own hands. Even if she knew what she wanted to say, she doubted she could get it out around the lump in her throat.
Eventually, when she thought it was safe to speak again, she swallowed and nudged him with her elbow.
“Words help sometimes.”
He rolled his head against the headrest to face her. “Really?”
She nodded. “You honestly didn’t realise?”
“No.” He frowned. “Have I really never told you?”
Ellie chuckled. “No.”
Hardy’s explanation sounded crazy to her, but then she had always known how different the two of them were. She thought back over their relationship and realised how patient he could be with her and how much of a comfort he had been throughout the years. She remembered how he sought out her company when everyone else exhausted him and how he made conversation with her friends and family despite this. How he picked up Tom from football on Sundays without complaint. How he didn’t kick up a fuss when Fred put grapes in his DVD player.
How no matter how bad his day had been, he would phone or text her before he went to sleep.
“All of that stuff you said? About actions?” she said after a lengthy pause. “I never - I mean, I guess I knew. Or should have. With you. I’ve always felt - y’know. Loved.”
The faintest of smiles appeared on Hardy’s face. “I’m doing something right then.”
She pretended to consider this. “At least three things.”
“Wow. I’m onto a winning streak.”
They shared a look where they silently agreed their argument was over. These rows happened often enough and there was no need to dwell on them. Ellie leant over to kiss Hardy softly but he cupped her cheek to prevent her pulling back.
Ellie wondered why they hadn’t passed time doing this. She didn’t even mind if people in the other cars were watching. As determined as she had been to fix her life, she had feared that she would never have something like this again through either her own poor judgement or the stigma and baggage she carried with her. It was beyond her imagination that she would find someone else so soon or how easy it would be to fall in love again.
Because as much of a pain as Hardy could be and how long it taken them to get to that stage, loving him was easy. Trusting him was easy. Being with him was easy.
She pulled him closer, more grateful than she could possibly express that they had found each other when they needed them most.
Eventually, Ellie broke the kiss but couldn’t bring herself to leave Hardy’s embrace. “Do you think we’ve got enough time for a quickie in the backseat?”
He studied her for a moment. “Are you serious?”
Ellie waggled her eyebrows with a grin.
“I have no idea if you’re being serious,” he whispered before kissing the smile from her face once more.