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"I bet it's just some good old-fashioned hate sex," Nicky is saying with forced cheer. They're waiting for Neil and Andrew to come back so they can go home and everyone is still. The morning's revelations have wounded them all, left them quiet. It's the type of quiet that Nicky feels like he has to fill with stupid comments.
"I'm jealous, really," Nicky goes on. Nobody is particularly listening. The upperclassmen are shaken, murmuring amongst themselves. Kevin is slumped against the wall, staring into space. Aaron looks at the purple that stains his neck. It's the colour of the storm-clouds.
Aaron sighs and thinks about what Nicky just said.
I bet it's just some good old-fashioned hate sex.
Aaron isn't so sure.
He thinks of Andrew after the riot, pacing methodically, something like panic twisting itself into the shape of a quiet, trembling fury. He thinks about the scary whites of Andrew's knuckles, his hand fixing itself to Kevin's throat. He thinks about that flash of understanding in Andrew's eyes as the answers are slowly choked out, and the darkening of loss that came after.
That wasn't how people acted when it was 'just' hate sex, because that wasn't hate, Aaron thinks.
That was the end of the fucking world.
Aaron allows himself to feel annoyed for a minute. It's a welcome relief from the numbness he feels whenever things get coloured with violence. Violence is radio silence, a buzzing nothing. It's frightening how familiar it feels, and it's debilitating. Anger, on the other hand, is good. It's productive.
He's annoyed because he feels played. He and Katelyn have been hiding, sneaking around like it's something wrong or shameful. All that calm rage in Andrew's hands. Andrew's fucking hypocritical hands. He can't ask him about it. He can hear the response already - quick, rehearsed almost.
"It's nothing," He'd say, and that would end it.
Neil, however. Neil is a different ball game. He's an egg cracked in a fist, yolk spilling to the floor golden yellow. Truths seem to be finally falling off of his shoulders like shooting stars. Aaron shifts in his seat, thinking. Was it good old-fashioned hate sex or was it a dealbreaker? He can definitely find out if he goes about it the right way. From there the plan makes itself. It's too easy.
...
He's never been able to read Neil, not like Andrew could. He figures things out too late, when they're painfully obvious: a locker full of blood, a message on the mirror. Back then, the truth had scarred itself onto Neil, just for a second, before he slipped the familiar mask of i'm fine back on. Aaron could make that happen again, but he'd have to play dirty.
On the balcony, he chooses his words carefully.
"Do you take your cues from dead men?"
Neil doesn't get it, not at first. Aaron digs deep, finds the ugliest words he knows.
"Either you were lying to us to hide the fact you're a flamer, or you saw Drake rape Andrew and realized he's easy prey."
The words are stained with death and his mind snaps shut like a beartrap. He won't go back there, the hum of silence that comes with the smell of blood. He won't go back there because there's a slash of hurt there too, a tremor of failure (he figures things out too late, when they're painfully obvious).
And fuck, there it is. Neil's stupid, ruined hand meets his face and then the idiot is bent-over in obvious pain. There's the sting of his wounds, yeah, but there's also rage at Aaron's suggestion, and the memory it provokes. It's like Neil is trying to protect Andrew from something that has already happened, and once again it's not hate, but something akin to the end of the world. He gets it: if someone had suggested he was taking advantage of Katelyn he'd want to break their face too (she is the light).
"I'm hedging my bets on it being something else. We'll know soon enough, right?"
The corner of Aaron's mouth is sore and Neil understands what he's trying to do but it seems like Neil's not sure either. So stupid, Aaron thinks, remembering the way Andrew tilted Neil's burned face towards him, committing the mess to memory.
"You wanted me to fight for her. Do you think he'll fight for you?"
Neil, unsurprisingly, says "No," but it's not really Aaron he's talking to. Maybe he hasn't acknowledged certain things himself. Maybe Aaron's not the only one who catches on slowly.
He doesn't care that Neil says no, because Aaron had decided this in a hotel room back in Baltimore. He just needed to be sure of it. He wouldn't fail Andrew again (not in that way, hands on a headboard, a whole universe of too late), but he also needed to break the deal, so that he and Katelyn could be free.
As he walked back inside he decided he would kiss Katelyn after they beat the Bearcats, right there on the court, in front of everyone.
Of course, that meant speaking to Andrew sooner, rather than later.
He mixes another drink.
...
"I hate his guts," His twin replies, predictably, "It's nothing,"
Nothing, Aaron thinks, is such a big word. He thinks of Neil's bandaged hand curled into a painful fist, knuckles hard at the corner of his mouth.
"I might not see a lot," Aaron says, "But I see this,"
Andrew doesn't reply.
"You're breaking this deal as much as I am," Aaron goes on, "What's the point anymore?"
He could say so many things. We're both clean, sober. We are working towards healing, reconciling. You're free of the person who hurt you. The future is vast, endless.
We can both find the peace that comes from loving someone else.
Peace in another person.
He won't say any of that shit, of course, but he could.
"You end it with Neil and I'll end it with Katelyn," Aaron tells him, "Otherwise, we're done with this, and we can try-"
"Try what?" Andrew asks icily, when Aaron can't finish the sentence.
Aaron shrugs.
Andrew looks away, and Aaron knows he's dismissed. Andrew isn't giving him an answer just now, but Aaron knows that Andrew has already made up his mind. How he'll go about it, Aaron doesn't know just yet. He waits.
We can still care about each other.
...
Later, Katelyn calls him in tears. It feels like being let go, it feels like something shifting.
(She's the light - she makes the static sound bright)