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Memories liked to pop in his head at the strangest times. Usually when he’s sitting in class, and the scratch of chalk on the board will cause his mind to drift to a rainy evening indoors. His mother is reading to him and he yawns into the side of his pillow. It’s warm and light and he feels so, so tired --
His forehead is cold, and he jolts awake. He’d laid his head on the desk for a moment -- just a second or two -- he thinks. He rests his hand against his face, rubbing at the spot. Maybe it was a minute or two.
But, not all of his memories pop up like that one. Some memories are different, and hold a different kind of warmth. When he’s laying in his bedroom at night, and the whistle of the wind wafts by his window, and his eyes gouge at the ceiling, noticing tiny specks, but uncertain if some of the specks are spiders or merely just the darkness, his memory plucks something familiar. It reaches to his stomach, the feeling washing over him in a rumble of a wave.
He’s laughing in the darkness of a different bedroom, one filled with books and music and multiple figurines. His laughter filters through his nose, in a whistled tune, much like the wind. He can’t find himself stopping. His best friend lies beside him, and he’s whispering. The house is quiet, everyone, everything is asleep. But their minds are awake with the color of Kei’s stories, wildly told with sarcasm and intricacy.
Tadashi pipes in for some dialogue here and there, and the laughter bubbles up again between them. They talk about the universe. It’s so big. Bigger than both can even imagine at their age. Kei talks about exploring it, talks about all the steps they’d have to take to do it. Tadashi smiles in wonder. He wants to explore the universe with Kei. He’d go anywhere with him. And he tells him that. And Kei agrees.
They haven’t said something like that in years.
The ceiling comes back into focus for Tadashi. His mind now drawn to the current. He wants to go back, but his eyes close, slowly, blinking twice before clamping shut for the night. He dreams of a space shuttle and a big universe.
---
When the sun's heat disappears in favor of night Tadashi feels at most peace in the world.
It’s something about the change and the calm that follows it. The creaking krickets replace the screeching cicadas. The wind blows its quiet breath across his warm cheeks, pink and sweaty from the rays of sun.
It’s when he can spend quiet evenings studying at Kei's, in a cold room with comfortable breaths, mingling with the turning of pages and quiet hums of sounds.
Tadashi scratches his pencil on the third question of his homework, has already glanced at Kei for help twice, but feels he could figure this one out on his own with just another reading of the passage.
“Boys! Oh, you're studying,” Kei's mother walks in, smile alight. She tucks her hair behind her ear and Tadashi waves at her. She grins back. “I just came in to ask if you're staying for dinner, Tadashi?”
Tadashi looks to Kei, makes a humming sound in thought, and taps his knees. “Um -- yes! I already talked to my mom!” He lies, glancing away from Kei who makes a small click of his mouth in reply. He grins back.
Kei's mother smiles. “Great, I'll call you down when it's done. Good luck on your studying, my smart boys.”
Tadashi laughs and Kei gives her a flickering wave of goodbye as he scrawls on his paper. He looks up at Tadashi for a moment, hearing the faded footsteps of his mother descending the stairs.
Tadashi gives him a sheepish smile. “What?”
Kei looks back to his homework.
Tadashi frowns. “Okay, okay, I'll call her… when we're done.”
“I'm not telling you to.”
Tadashi rubs the back of his neck, but eventually nods.
Kei knows the reason he didn't call home. He doesn’t like the quiet. A sound that was always present there.
“You can spend the night again, by the way. I'm pretty sure.”
“Thanks Tsukki, but I don’t want to impose again.”
“Fine. But if you call and no one’s there,” Kei lift his eyes for a moment, then scratched his shoulder. “Again. Not a problem.”
Tadashi makes a lopsided smile. “Thanks.” He says, quietly, and they return to silence, scratches of pencils to paper, and a murmuring hum of the heater. It filled the space, accompanying them and Tadashi tapped his finger on his pencil in thought.
“You ever think about space?”
“Hm?” Kei asks, absentmindedly.
“It’s just that it’s,” Tadashi bites his bottom lip as he solves for x in his next equation. “It’s such a large, beautiful thing -- and we can’t even imagine half of it. It’s, like,” Tadashi sits back, abandoning his next question and stretching his arms. “Every conceivable thing in this world somehow seems… incredibly small, doesn’t it? But also incredibly important.”
Kei stares at him from across the small study space, weighs him with his eyes. “You’re just stalling.”
“I’m serious!” Tadashi laughs, opens his arms wide. “These are the important things to think about!”
Kei snorted, then took his sheet from across the table. “You needed to multiply here instead of divide. There.” He made a cross and an arrow toward the equation, handing it back to Tadashi.
Tadashi, silently, slid it back toward himself, checking it. He made a large grin, and Kei rolled his eyes at him.
“Yeah.”
Tadashi lifts his head, almost jumps from the sound of Kei’s voice after a few moments of silence. “Yeah, what?”
“If you think about space too much, you start to think everything’s small. Because it is. Nothing really matters in the large scheme of things, if you think about it.” Kei says, his glasses sliding down his nose. Tadashi has an urge to push them up.
“Well, that went dark.”
“It’s just the truth. Besides, you started it.”
“But doesn’t it also make you think about appreciating everything around you?”
Kei scrunches his brow. “What do you mean?”
Tadashi sits closer, crossing his legs and leaning forward. “Listen. It happens to happen that us, this planet, occupies this certain space in this certain galaxy in this certain time? And then, it so happens that this space can have life? That’s the crazy thing! And for the people around you to be who they are and for you to be who you and exist with them? At the same time?” Tadashi makes explosive noises as he flashes his hands beside his head. Kei looks at him. His eyes flit up and down as he sits back and stretches his own arms. He nods.
“Okay.” He says, finally. “I meant nothing matters as in whether you pour milk before cereal in a bowl, but you went existential.”
Tadashi looks down at the table, then thinks. “Oh.” He says the tiny word in a high pitched tone. The two take a moment, then a snort is released and they’re both wrapping the room in laughter.
Tadashi wants to bottle this moment in a memory, hoping it’s one of those that pops up in his head later.
---
Dinner came and went. Tadashi helped with dishes, as he and Kei’s mom joked about Kei’s sweater collection and how he couldn’t ever throw his old things away. Kei cleared the table, threatening Tadashi that he could find a new study space with a minimalist best friend, only to be chided by his mother for treating her ‘favorite son’ that way. Afterwards, they climbed the stairs toward Kei’s room, Tadashi seeing no reason to go back home.
“She loves me way more than you, Tsukki.”
“I’m not arguing that. You have her wrapped around your little finger.”
Tadashi crossed his arms, plopping onto the blanket nested floor. “I guess I can’t help that I’m adorable.” He jokes. Kei picks up a few pillows, chucking one at his head.
“Hey, I have a question for you.” Kei says, pointing at Tadashi on the floor as he gathers his homework together.
“I hope I have an answer.”
Kei shrugs. “What do you think people like, gift-wise?”
Tadashi furrows his brows. “What--”
“I’m not making chocolate and I can’t afford something big and expensive, so I’m asking your opinion.”
Tadashi almost asks why, until a small thought comes to his head. It’s near Christmas Eve. He wants an alternative to chocolate gifts. Tadashi gasps.
“Tsukki, who is she?” He sits up, staring at Kei laying on his back on the bed. He stares at the ceiling, then sighs.
“What are you talking about?”
“What am I -- what are you talking about? You like someone! Why didn’t you tell me?” He says, a mixture of excitement and hurt in his voice.
Kei covers his face with his arm. “Are you gonna help me or--”
“You should definitely make chocolate if you like someone, Tsukki.”
“I’m not making chocolate -- stop saying I like someone. Are you five?”
Tadashi hummed in thought. “Something to show that you like her…” He said to himself.
“Shut up.”
“Sorry, Tsukki. I’m just -- I didn’t know you--”
“Okay. Goodnight.” Kei says, turning over and facing away from Tadashi.
“Wait, wait, I’m sorry,” Tadashi says, reaching out and tapping his shoulder. Kei shrugs him off.
“It was a stupid question.”
“It wasn’t! I was just excited.” Tadashi says, inches closer and nudges his arm.
Kei stills. “Why?”
“Because I want to help you.” Tadashi says. He wants him to be happy. Didn’t Kei know that’s all he wanted for him?
Kei stayed silent.
Tadashi bit his lip. “Um, let’s see… people like food, something heartfelt and thoughtful. If it were me, I think I’d like something handmade?” He trailed off, realized what he said. “I mean, just to help with some ideas. Do you know who they are?”
Kei waits a moment. “Yeah.”
“So, you’d probably know what they’d like, right?”
Kei pushes a hand through his hair, taking off his glasses. “Let’s just forget it. Goodnight.”
Tadashi’s shoulders fall. But he leaves it alone. “Night, Tsukki.”
He didn’t sleep for another hour. It was rare that Kei seemed to open up with something like this. Tadashi’s resolve was to help him in any way he could.
Even if it stung a little.
---
“A calendar!” Tadashi gasped, shaking Kei’s arm.
“Stop.”
“Think about it, it’s perfect! It’s useful and thoughtful!”
“I’m not buying a calendar. And I said let it go.” Kei walked away from his desk during lunch. Tadashi put his hand against his cheek.
“How about a card?”
Kei groaned. He couldn’t even escape it on their walk home.
“I regret asking you.”
“You could write how you feel in the card and you’re better with words on paper, Tsukki! It’s perfect.”
“I’ll tell you a little secret. Just because you say it’s perfect, doesn’t make it perfect.” He said, walking in faster strides. Tadashi jogged to keep up with him.
“I got it!”
“No!”
“You didn’t even--”
“I’m not buying anything or making anything, okay? I already decided,” Kei said as he chucked his bag onto his bed when they entered his room. Tadashi pouted.
“Then why did you ask me?”
Kei scratched his nose. “I thought it’d be easier to ask instead of guess.” He said, choosing the words carefully and looking over at Tadashi. Tadashi seemed confused, but shrugged. Kei wanted to let out his longest sigh. At least he was dense.
“Well, I wouldn’t know anymore than you.”
“Exactly.” Kei said under his breath, removing his books from his bag and taking off his scarf.
“So, you’re just gonna wing it.”
“Please,” Kei snorted. “I already got it handled.”
Tadashi nodded. “Oh okay, well, let me know how it goes.”
Kei flicked his eyes in his direction. “Sure.”
---
“What are you doing Christmas Eve?”
Tadashi tapped his fingers against the strap of his backpack as he was getting ready to leave. Kei shut his front door behind them as they walked to the sidewalk.
“I wanted to say something other than nothing, but,” Tadashi laughs. Kei nods.
“We’re going to get food, then.”
Tadashi perked up with excitement. “Where?”
Kei shrugged, looking toward his shoes. “Your choice.”
Tadashi noticed the subtle embarrassment, then widened his eyes. “Wait, don’t you have to meet your… um, gift giver person?”
Kei looked to the sky, releasing a breath and closing his eyes. “You’re the one that assumed I had a person to meet.”
“What?” Tadashi asked, surprised. “You didn’t deny it!”
Kei put a hand over his face.
“Then why ask me--?” Tadashi reddened. His gaze fell to Kei’s hand at his side, nervously twisted into the pocket of his jacket.
“Was it…” Tadashi couldn’t bring himself to say it, felt his throat dry, then pointed awkwardly to himself. “Just so I’m not assuming!” He put his hands up in front of him nervously. His neck felt hot.
Kei made a mocking clap with his hands. “Congratulations.”
Tadashi couldn’t help his laugh at the gesture, flitting his eyes to the side. “I win,” He said jokingly, then thought about something. “What…”
Kei looked up. “Hm?”
“Nevermind.”
“What?”
“It’s -- it’s dumb.”
“What?”
“The gift,” Tadashi blurted. “What did you… what did you decide on?”
Kei felt his face go hot. He reached in his pocket. Tadashi squinted his eyes to see what he was pulling out, then instantly felt a laugh bubble up from his gut.
“You never throw anything away.”
“Shut up.”
Tadashi took the small, laminated pieces of paper. Homemade name tags with star stickers. Tadashi and Kei, Explorers of the Universe.
“These are so old.” Tadashi said, near tears. “And you kept them.”
“They’re ancient artifacts.”
“Thank you.” Tadashi said. His eyes were glazed, and he tried to keep his voice from hitching. He walked forward, as if approaching a cat, enveloping Kei into a hug, tight and warm.
“It’s name tags but you’re welcome.”
“And in the whole scheme of things nothing matters yadda yadda.” Tadashi imitated him, and Kei withheld a short laugh. He felt his heart beating wildly as he thought about his next sentence, withdrawing from the embrace.
“I’ll give you your gift tomorrow,” Tadashi said, looking at Kei. “I mean, I could now, but I have patience unlike you --”
“Oh, shut the hell up.”
Tadashi laughed. His insides scuttled, fluttering away, and he couldn’t wait for everything to come.
“Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow.”