Archive of Our Own

Jongin utters a sigh when he walks past the playground on his route home from the station. The sun is hanging low, covered by a thin veil of clouds that turns the air around him dull but he can still hear laughter from some children that play on the jungle gym. It’s only around 5pm but dawn is already falling, the cooling air causing Jongin to pout and pull down the sleeves of his sweater. It’s only March but the weather has turned warm enough the last week to make him think spring really did arrive at last.

The boy shuffles with his feet and continues his way when a brisk wind picks up and he remembers that he still hasn’t decided what to eat for dinner yet.

The sight of a well-lit fast food chain makes him stop again. There are a lot of students occupying the tables that he can see through the floor-to-ceiling windows, the majority of them in pairs of two and most of them looking like couples, too.

He looks at the tacky decorations, still left from Valentine’s Day from a month ago, when recognition washes over him; today is the 14th of March, White Day.

Jongin hides his hands in the pockets of his jeans and continues his walk home, a slight frown forming on his face when he remembers the rack card he has found in his mail box almost a month ago, advertising the special Valentine’s menu-for-two at his favorite fried chicken place. He can see the big 50% OFF print in front of his inner eye but it’s not enough for him to take the plunge and just ask one of his current colleagues if they’d tag along. He wouldn’t mind the act, or actually going on a date after moving to Busan almost 3 years ago but this is not one of his daydreams where things simply fall into place without all too much drama and while his current commissioner seems to be less stuck up than the last, Jongin finds himself rather steering far from the trouble of having to explain anything about his personal preferences or why he wouldn’t mind to play pretend for an evening with nice company, a beer and as much garlic fried chicken as he can possibly stuff himself with.

He walks into his apartment complex and fishes for his keys when he approaches the rows of small black boxes that hang across the entrance hall, opposite of the staircase. He opens his letterbox and furrows his brows when two letters fall into his hands that don’t have his name written as the recipient. He huffs and ruffles his dark hair.

It has become a weird habit of their postman to mix up the letters that actually belong into the small tin box above his own, but Jongin has grown strangely used to finding mail for his neighbour in his letterbox.

Although he could just put them into the right letterbox and leave it at that, it has become their custom that he picks them up and hands them over to their actual owner whenever they meet in the hallway. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps him from not talking to anyone for days and it’s not like Park Chanyeol is awful to talk to, it’s quite pleasant, actually, Jongin thinks as he climbs up the stairs of the old building, the two stray letters still in hand.

Thinking about it, his neighbour is the only person he would remotely consider asking about the special at this chicken place, but how the lack of close friendships prove, Jongin doesn’t necessarily considers himself the fittest when it comes to conversations and keeping in contact with people.

Sure, he had some friends and one or two deeper relationships during university but ever since then, most of them have moved on and their relationships just didn’t survive the lack of interaction that seeing each other for projects and class every day brought with it. These days Jongin can’t find himself trying. It’s not like he will see any of his colleagues again after the project he gets chartered for. They have their place in the various enterprises around, a cozy, secure place to peacefully put down roots, but he’s not like that. He’s a freelance graphic designer, always looking for the next job, for the next commission; he’s more like a feather or a leaf, freely swirling through the air, wherever the wind might take him. He doesn’t know if he’s falling or flying.

Jongin sighs when he reaches his floor. He’s hungry and he still doesn’t know if he should actually try and ask his neighbour. He doesn’t even know if he’s home.

The sound of one of the heavy flat doors opening makes him look up. It’s the one next to his, revealing a tall young man with cinnamon colored hair. The strands stand up in weird ways, as if he just fell out of bed. It’s Park Chanyeol, who rubs one of his eyes before re-adjusting the pair of glasses that sit on the bridge of his nose. Jongin watches him blink slowly, hands reaching in the pockets of the blackberry colored hoodie he’s wearing. He digs out what looks like a wallet, takes a look inside, closes it again but keeps it in both of his hands instead of putting it back into the belly pocket. Jongin blinks when his neighbor turns around and steps back into his flat, only to take a step back out of it again - gaze locked on the small wallet that he still carries with both of his hands - big enough that the black leather is almost completely hidden - like it is a national treasure. He takes a step back just to sway into the opposite direction and take another step forth, the wallet wandering over the border that is the door sill of his flat like a pendulum until he finally stops - startled by what Jongin realizes was his own laugh. He just couldn’t keep himself from giggling about the small show in front of him.

After the first rush of confusion Chanyeol’s face lights up and Jongin feels the corners of his mouth edge up automatically, too. He feels a little bit embarrassed for being caught laughing at his neighbour but the latter doesn’t seem to feel offended by it. Instead he walks over to greet him, voice casual, deep but friendly and warm.

They exchange greetings and Jongin hands him over the two letters that he found in his box. When he tries to apologize for laughing Chanyeol shakes his head, a small laugh escaping his mouth.

“It’s fine. I slept in today because of the night shift I had. I wasn’t sure if I should go out to eat now since, you know… I’m kind of short of the ready this month. But I also didn’t want to eat Cup Noodles again,” he explains easily, scratching a spot behind his left ear. Chanyeol’s ears are big and peek out under the strands of his hair that are still in disarray but Jongin thinks it’s kind of charming and adds to the rather good looking appearance that he has.

Jongin nods along. He knows how stale the taste of Cup Noodles gets after eating them for too long without anything to mix up the diet and he should probably be grateful for his current project that keeps him from being in the same position that his neighbour is in.

“You know,” he begins and shrugs his shoulders, trying to sound casual, though conversations tend to always feel anything but that for him.

“They have this 50% discount event at the fried chicken place down the street. They ran the event for Valentine’s Day where you get 50% off if you show up in pairs of two? It ends today but we could go and grab some food there? Not a fan of the Valentine’s Day craze but the chicken is pretty good, there… and it’s always great to save some money, right?”

He waits anxiously for an answer but when he hears nothing but a short laugh from the other his chest feels cold while he simultaneously feels the burning in his cheeks. Did he say something weird?

“You’re my lifesaver! I totally forgot about the Valentine’s Event! Fried chicken sounds good, my body will thank me for not eating instant noodles the third day in a row. Besides it’s always great to find fun ways to spend less money - so let’s milk that discount as long as it counts,” Chanyeol grins and pats his shoulder in a friendly manner.

Jongin watches Chanyeol close the door of his apartment, after he bolted to bring his own bags home, still wondering why the other laughed so suddenly, before they wander down the stairs to leave the apartment complex together. Maybe he’s just not used to so much enthusiasm.

It’s still packed at the place when they arrive but Jongin tries to not feel intimidated by the people around. He’s here for the food and it’s not like any of the students and couples pay any attention to them anyway.

It’s still different to be out with someone else instead of sitting in his lonely corner all by himself, like he usually does.

They sit down at a table for two in the back of the store on the second floor, Chanyeol having trouble to fit his long legs under the table which causes both of them to snicker, before the taller of them decides to sit down in a more relaxed angle that enables him to put down his feet, though this means that they peek out under their table to Jongin’s left.

It feels weird but also easy to laugh about something little and miniscule like that and it helps Jongin to relax, until the waitress arrives at their table.

He sits up straight again and looks over to Chanyeol nervously after the dreadful question about their order has left the young girl’s mouth. It’s not like he has trouble ordering food - his anxiety hasn’t gotten that far just yet - but this time, it’s nerve-wracking. Talking and laughing about petty things like way too long legs has been so easy and simple and comfortable, he totally forgot that they are supposed to order together - as a couple - in order to get the discount. Why hasn’t he thought about this earlier?

“Oh yeah, we’d like to get that Valentine’s Special. Number 52 and-”, Chanyeol pauses and looks over to Jongin with a warm smile that makes him feel funny and it takes every ounce of self-control in his body to not flinch when he can suddenly feel warm fingers wrapped around his, that have laid flat on the table before, as his neighbour talks to him with a voice that suddenly sounds way softer than the way he has spoken before.

“What do you want to get this time, babe? Your favorite?”

Jongin sputters but catches himself, before he spoils the act that they are supposed to keep up. He hasn’t expected his neighbour to go all out like that, but Jongin has to admit that it feels exciting. He smiles shyly at their hands - it’s not that hard to act this part - before he nods and repeats his favorite order - after all Chanyeol doesn’t actually know what his favorite is.

The waitress smiles at them with soft eyes after she has repeated their order to make sure it’s correct before she announces that their food will be there shortly. It takes a few more seconds before she walks away and Jongin is only distracted from the small giggle the girl emits because of Chanyeol, who keeps caressing his hand with his own. It’s weird but still comfortable and while it feels strange for Jongin to be on display for a young girl and her teenage fantasies like that, it’s still better than being harassed by a homophobe.

He lets out a sigh and pulls his hand away when the waitress is finally out of sight, only to look up and over to his neighbour that laughs into one of his big hands.

“I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable but I didn’t know how serious they take it with the discount conditions,” he explains but Jongin just shakes his head.

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t uncomfortable… just not used to being affectionate like that,” he mumbles and scratches the back of his neck - clearly a habit of him in embarrassing situations. “You’re a really good actor, you surprised me,” he adds then, causing the taller men on the opposite side of the table to beam proudly.

“Yeah, I used to be in drama club, back in middle and high school.”

Jongin nods and starts to fold one of the napkins that he has taken out of the colorful dispenser that sits on their table.

“That’s so cool. I always wanted to get into the club at my school, too.. but I was a super shy kid, so I was too scared of the auditions and never actually tried it,” he reveals, the words falling lazily and easy out of his mouth, but since he is so surprised about his sudden burst of confidence in a conversational situation like that, he can’t help but trips over the last couple of words. He’s certain Chanyeol notices, but he doesn’t look any different at him or like he judges him - instead he scrunches up his face.

“Ow, don’t be so hard on yourself. You know, I used to be a shy kid, too. But it got better once I went to drama club. It’s such a pity that you didn’t give yourself the chance to try and do the things you found fascinating. I’m sure you would’ve enjoyed it and at my school you could just go to the club and ask to take part - you didn’t need to pass an audition of some sort,” he tilts his head, eyes locked at the far left corner of the store - somewhere behind Jongin - as he recalls his teenage memories.

“Well, anyway. You did great, even without any experience in the acting department,” he grins. “I would have totally fallen for that cute, shy boyfriend act,” he grins again and Jongin wonders how this can make him feel so excited and yet comfortable. These two emotions usually don’t get along in his brain.

He feels his cheeks getting warm as he crosses his arms and pouts, he tries not to think about the fact that he’s probably blushing because he knows from past experiences that it just makes it worse, as he tries to object.

“You can’t be serious. I was just an awkward dude, that can’t even order their food like a normal person.”

“You might think you’re an awkward dude but I think you’re cool. Best choice to act all lovey-dovey with for some half-priced fried chicken. And even if you actually were a little awkward, she still thought you were cute. Well, she thought we were cute,” Chanyeol interjects with a smug grin and Jongin wants to get angry at that stupid, confident face but instead it makes him laugh, and kind of happy because Chanyeol’s compliments feel genuine.

♦

They spend almost two hours at the store, eating chicken, drinking beer and talking - and laughing. They laugh so much that Jongin lies in bed the same night wondering if he can get stiffness in his jaw from smiling and laughing too much.

He doesn’t actually remember every bit they talked about, but the comfortable, warm feeling of actually having someone to talk to sticks with him and when he walks into the hallway the next Thursday and spots Chanyeol standing in front of the black metal letter boxes, his stomach twists comfortably.

When he walks up to the tall man, he catches his attention and as soon as they see each other, they break into a smile. Jongin thinks it might be because his neighbour’s smile is just so bright that you have to smile back automatically but at the same time he isn’t sure if he isn’t the one who smiled first.

They fall into comfortable small talk as the cinnamon haired takes a step to the side, so that Jongin can reach his mailbox, out of which - upon opening it - two letters fall, addressed to Park Chanyeol. Said bellows out a laugh and takes the letters with a Thank you out of his hands.

“I wonder if they will ever learn which letterbox belongs to whom. Maybe the nameplate is too small…,” Jongin wonders with a frown but Chanyeol just waves dismissively.

“Mailmen have so much to do these days, they probably just don’t realize… and I mean, I’m lucky that they end up in your box and not with a complete stranger.”

Jongin nods, even though he is not 100% satisfied with the explanation the other offered.

“Hey, you want to get some fried chicken? I know they don’t have the discount anymore but I’m a horrible cook and I don’t have anything but frozen pizza and kimchi left in my freezer,” he finds himself asking. His stomach flips in shock because he didn’t realize what he was actually saying but the bright smile on Chanyeol’s face mollifies him and calms his nerves.

They sit down at the same spot again that they sat the first time and Jongin watches how Chanyeol takes off his glasses and looks around the store, while he talks happily after they have placed their orders.

“Man, I’m happy to be here again. Last time we hung out I had so much fun, so I’m super glad you asked. I thought about coming over and asking you myself but I never caught you on the hallway, and when I came back from work I couldn’t see if you were still awake so…”

Jongin nods, as he takes out one of the serviettes from the colorful dispenser on the table and starts to fold it, just like he did the last time.

“Yeah, work was kind of busy… but I didn’t see you either.”

“My coworker bribed me into undertaking his three-to-eleven-shift like three times this week, so I was probably always out when you came home,” Chanyeol explains with a scowl on his face which makes Jongin laugh - it looks funny on a face that he usually only sees adorned with a big smile or grin.

“Shifts at the supermarket suck, man,” he protests but Jongin can’t stop laughing for a few more seconds.

“So you’re working at a supermarket,” he concludes then and takes a sip from his drink.

Chanyeol nods. “Not really what I want to do but it pays my rent,” he says and stretches, sinking deeper into his seat when he relaxes. He doesn’t look as tired and tousled as the last time but relaxed instead and though he liked the sleepy look - it was comfortable and warm - Jongin can’t say that he misses it painfully because Chanyeol looks even more confident and handsome this way.

“What do you do?”

Chanyeol asks, causing Jongin to look up from his share of chicken, it takes a few seconds for him to realize what the question is referring to so he sits up and makes an A-ha! sound before he answers.

“I’m working as a graphic designer. I’m currently employed by an enterprise that works on a series of games for smartphones, so they chartered me.”

Jongin concludes, eyes still locked on the piece of fried chicken that he twists between his thumb and forefinger. When he hears his neighbour taking a deep breath, it causes him to look up surprised anyway.

Chanyeol looks at him with big eyes, but he can’t read shock or judgement in his features - it’s unconcealed excitement instead and it overpowers him twice as much as a negative sentiment would have.

“This is so amazing!” Chanyeol exclaims excitedly - his voice is still warm and deep but it booms and is so full of joyful emotions that Jongin can feel it shake in his ribcage like an echo.

“I actually self-taught myself to program because I always wanted to develop a game myself. I even moved from Seoul all over to Busan to go to a game design school here,” he explains and Jongin feels how his face transforms into a smile after bafflement has washed over him. “Sorry that I geek out a bit but you’re basically doing what I always wanted to do,” Chanyeol explains but Jongin reassures him, that everything is fine, before the other continues to tell him about the games he liked to play as a kid and how he always thought about games he wanted to create once he was old enough.

Jongin’s laugh dies down after Chanyeol has shared another of his endless number of anecdotes as he fishes out the keys to his apartment. They have finished eating and walked home again.

“Why didn’t you just apply at one of the enterprises then?”

He asks and Chanyeol tilts his head, arms crossed in front of his chest as he leans against his flat’s door.

“I always had ideas for plots or combat systems for fantasy spectacles I thought up in my head. But to tell the truth, I’m not really confident in the art department. I’m less than mediocre when it comes to drawing so it never looked like the pictures in my head.”

Jongin nods. He knows this feeling - the frustration he feels when he looks at some of his drafts and they look nothing like the worlds he pictured in his head. He pats Chanyeol’s shoulder.

“If you’re good at programming you don’t need to be able to draw, and besides drawing is just a skill you can work on and improve step by step.”

Chanyeol smiles at him and it makes the pit of Jongin’s stomach tingle. The other’s eyes are suddenly soft again, just the way they were when Chanyeol acted as if they were dating but this time there is no act involved.

“That’s really nice of you to say. Next time I would love to see some of your works.”

Jongin agrees before they say their goodbyes and disappear in their flats each.

The pit of his stomach is still tingling but it’s warm and comfortable and easy and he likes the idea of a next time so much more than he ever thought he would.

♦

Talking to Chanyeol is easy, Jongin realizes over the course of the next two weeks. Being with Chanyeol is easy, too and it’s just the bewilderment over how comfortable he feels and how fast it all happens, that causes a slightly bitter aftertaste when they meet to eat chicken and drink beer together.

It becomes a routine almost automatically and Jongin finds himself looking forward to ‘Chicken Thursdays’ especially - next to the random findings in his letter box that give him an extra excuse to knock on Chanyeol’s door on other days of the week, too.

It’s Saturday when he finds another letter in the small black box and Jongin feels silly but can’t help the smile that lights up his face almost immediately.

He’s even still wearing the same silly grin when he puts down his messenger bag on one of his kitchen chairs and puts the letter on the table. He just returned home from an extra shift but this time he doesn’t feel as tired. He doesn’t want to think about what chased away his tiredness though, because it makes him feel giddy and kind of stupid. Instead he makes his way over to the large window to let in some of the fresh afternoon air.

It’s getting warmer and warmer. It’s still slow and Jongin can feel under his skin that spring is not yet here but he likes how soft the wind already tastes, and how it carries over the never changing salty flavour of the sea, that is not as far, as the tall buildings of the city around make it seem.

He sighs and his eyes wander over the horizon when the sound of rustling paper next to him startles Jongin and makes him look down but his expression changes to confusion when he catches sight of what is happening in front of him.

The full-length windows of his flat open up to the roof of a convenience store, a handrail keeping him from walking out on the flat dark-grey surface, on which he finds a figure crouched together, spreading papers in the afternoon sun. The soft wind tousles cinnamon hair and draws a soft string of cuss words from the tall man as he tries to keep the loose pages from flying away. His confusion is mixed up with slight amusement as he tries to hold in a snicker, still watching Chanyeol as he tries to put various objects down on the papers to keep them from taking off whenever another gush of wind blows over the rooftop.

“What are you doing?” Jongin asks, words mixed with a laugh and the slight pang of panic over his own sudden words washes ashore softer than he is used to when Chanyeol whips up his head but starts to smile as soon as he catches sight of him.

“I forgot to close my window this morning so it rained into my flat…” he explains with a pout as he stands up and walks over to Jongin’s window.

The roof is a few steps lower than the floor of his flat, causing Chanyeol - who usually towers over him - to be just tall enough to look over the railing that separates them.

Jongin could just reach out and run his hands through the cinnamon hair but he suppresses the urge and laughs instead.

“I was still home when it started but it didn’t last long and soon after it was super sunny and warm again. The spring weather really is something…”

“Next time you should climb over and close my window for me, then,” Chanyeol murmurs as he folds his arms on top of the railing - right next to the spot on which Jongin leans - and places his head on them, eyes still trained on Jongin’s figure - which the latter tries to ignore since it makes him a little bit nervous.

“And then? It doesn’t sound like a good idea to leave your flat unlocked the whole day,” he objects the proposal, though he’s not even entirely sure if it was for real.

“Then I’ll give you my key password. How about we exchange them, anyway? There’s no one else in the house I could ask and it’s always nice to have someone to check up on you, right?”

The insides of Jongin tingle as he watches the soft spring wind tousle cinnamon hair. The warm words sink into his skin like a pleasant shiver when he imagines Chanyeol coming over to check up on him or just tend the small arrangement of potted plants that stand on the floor next to him. It is nice.

“You’re right. That would be convenient. I can’t cook but in case you’re short on cup noodles, you can always help yourself - only if you water my plants, though,” he nods with a slight grin. He feels proud when his words make Chanyeol laugh. It’s a nice sound that he has grown to miss when he can’t hear it for a longer time.

“You want to grab some chicken?” He hears Chanyeol suggest after they’ve looked at the horizon in silence for a few moments.

“Actually I bought pizza, but you can have some, too, if you want,” he explains almost automatically. It’s easy, as long as it is Chanyeol.

He agrees with delight filling his eyes, the big grin still in place as he swings himself up the railing like it’s a high bar and suddenly the cinnamon haired man is standing right in front of him - in his studio.

It’s close and exciting and Jongin can feel his heart in his throat but he doesn’t know what to do, so he takes a few steps back, welcoming the taller with a lazy wave of his hand.

“The layout is probably the same as in your place… but yeah. This is my house,” he explains awkwardly. It feels weird that this is actually the first time the other is in his flat, seeing that they have spent so much time together the past week and just agreed to exchange key lock numbers for their apartments.

He watches Chanyeol who turns around on the spot and looks around with big, shining eyes that make him seem much younger than he actually is. It is that wonder that Jongin finds baffling but intriguing at the same time and sometimes he is kind of jealous, too.

Chanyeol stops spinning when he catches sight of Jongin’s desk.

Most of the space is occupied by the big display and his graphic tablet. He wanted to get a second screen forever but somehow there is just not enough money left at the end of the month… the rest of the desk is covered in different piles of paper that hold random sketches and also the corkboard he has mounted to the wall is filled with pieces of ideas he once had and jotted down.

“You drew all this?” Chanyeol’s voice sounds lower than usual and Jongin tries not to get overly shy because of course, he drew these. It’s not like he can just lie and say no.

“Yeah but most of them are just sketches or discarded. I’m just really bad at throwing stuff out,” he tries to sound unfazed and if it isn’t a big deal as he turns around and walks back to the kitchen counter where the plastic bag with the pizza still waits.

“I got two letters for you again,” Jongin adds, still trying to pry Chanyeol off of his works. He’s usually fine with people looking at them - it’s his job after all - but having someone see all of his ideas and drafts this close and in the open is new and makes him a little self-conscious (not that he wasn’t self-conscious enough before).

Chanyeol only hums, still tiptoeing around the desk to look at the pieces pinned to the corkboard.

“Are you allowed to show me some of the stuff you’re working on right now?”

Jongin shakes his head with a small laugh. He knew Chanyeol was into games but he didn’t expect him to be that excited.

“Not everything but I can show you a few peeks… but only after pizza. I’m starving,” he says and while it’s only partly true, he’s glad that Chanyeol complies and finally meets him in the small kitchen area.

“This is a great solution. I wish I was creative enough to use that layout like that… instead I just got a big bed settee,” Chanyeol comments when they sit down on the small brown couch Jongin has put at the end of his bed, making it work as a divider.

“But a bed settee sounds comfortable, too,” Jongin says, still munching on the last slice of pizza.

Chanyeol laughs and throws his arms over the backrest, slouching down into a comfortable position where he isn’t completely sitting but not lying down either.

“It would, if I wasn’t that messy. I don’t make my bed so it usually just looks like a huge bed and not a settee at all.”

Jongin nods, slight amusement playing on his face as he tries to imagine what Chanyeol’s flat - only one window apart from them - looks like.

“Don’t beat yourself to it. Being that tidy can be super annoying sometimes. I mean I’m glad that my mom taught me to be like this but it just stresses me out when I don’t get to clean when projects get too busy… it would be less of a hassle if I wouldn’t automatically worry about keeping my flat clean, too,” he comments, looking over the backrest onto the duvet of his bed.

“Your mom must be happy that her upbringing stuck this deeply, though,” the cinnamon haired laughs and it makes Jongin smile but at the same time he can feel an uncomfortable, cold sensation filling his stomach.

“Actually she never saw my studio in person,” he explains in a small voice, causing Chanyeol to look at him again, who had turned around to play with the leafs of his gum tree.

“She’s not visiting? Did you have a fight? Or - oh, I guess that’s none of my business, sorry,”

The cold sensation is completely forgotten when Jongin can hear the voice of Chanyeol drop an octave and when he whips up his head to look at his neighbor, he looks like a kicked puppy, not daring to lock eyes with him.

Jongin feels the heat of panic prick at his ears.

“Ah! No, no it’s fine. We didn’t have a fight. It’s just that Seoul is not exactly around the corner and she has to work, too.”

Chanyeol looks up again immediately, relief washing over both of them as he laughs embarrassedly: “Sorry, I just made this awkward. But hey, I didn’t know you are from Seoul, too!”

Jongin smiles and nods, the awkward sensation and cold in the pit of his stomach almost instantly forgotten as he starts to tell Chanyeol about how he came to Seoul to study and how he was first scouted for a project and has been trying to create a freelance career for himself ever since.

“I rarely go home. It’s not like I don’t miss my family but the nagging questions of aunts and grandparents are uncomfortable. I never know how to explain or what to tell them if they ask about my job or when I plan to get married,” he ends in a pensive tone, arms wrapped around his knees.

Chanyeol simply nods but he seems to understand.

“Yeah. I know that feeling. From time to time one of my aunts will send emails with a bunch of job offers she found in newspapers or online, expecting me to come home and get a real job,” he laughs a bit hoarsely.

“I stopped telling my parents - who fully support me - because I can’t stand the thought of them getting into a fight over me.”

Jongin keeps silent for a few minutes. He doesn’t know what to say. It makes him sad to hear that Chanyeol has to go through things like this, just because he hasn’t given up on his dream yet.

“It’s weird. Sometimes I feel so horribly lonely that I pack my bag and take the next train to the KTX terminal but as soon as I arrive there, and see all the people, arriving and departing… I stop and come to my senses. And then I go home again, to an empty fridge and an empty studio but it’s still better than giving up.”

Jongin still doesn’t know what to say. It feels like Chanyeol’s words just touched the very core of himself. It’s a weird feeling and it sends a shiver down his spine and makes his nose feel funny. It’s as if he will cry every second because these words echo inside of him, growing louder and louder, into a noise that fills up his whole body and it’s too much. He feels like he will burst if he doesn’t cry or lets it out somehow. He bites his lips and nods.

“Yeah. I know that feeling…” he whispers and they stay silent for a few more minutes until the silence is not deafening, not sad anymore.

Soon afterwards, they sit on his couch with glasses of juice and talk about their childhood.

Jongin still doesn’t know if he’s falling or flying but to hear about Chanyeol’s experiences - what school he went to and how he wanted to become an actor, or how he started to hack his own games, trying to change the appearance of his least favorite characters, makes him feel less lonely. It makes him realize that they share more than the same birthplace. They are both from Seoul and moved to Busan to pursue a career that isn’t exactly what parts of their family imagined for them but they are doing fine and they are not alone.

It’s the first time that Jongin has let himself be true to himself; he is lonely, they are both lonely - but not so much anymore.

♦

Over the course of the next weeks Jongin learns a lot about Chanyeol. They talk and talk about everything and different from before it’s not only Chanyeol who does the talking but he, too. They share stories about their time at college or ask what work was like when they meet. When Jongin finds Chanyeol’s window opened on days when he has to leave for work late, he shuffles over to the others studio to close it and tidy up the cinnamon haired bed. At first he is worried that their neighbours will see him go into the wrong flat or that he’s crossing a line but he bents down almost automatically to pick up one of Chanyeol’s oversized sweaters and it becomes a custom when Chanyeol thanks him with a joyful expression stretched all over his elvish face after the first time.

On some days he finds himself holding onto the discarded piece of clothing a little longer, but it’s embarrassing so he never tries to think about it or god forbid tell anyone.

Jongin smiles when he stops in front of Chanyeol’s door but shakes his head when he remembers that his tall, handsome friend is probably still at work.

Last week they tried to make their own fried chicken, which turned out to be a disastrous idea and they ended up ordering in again but Jongin likes the memory.

“I told him I can’t cook,” he mumbles amusedly when he unlocks the door to his own studio and puts down his messenger bag.

Jongin sits down on his desk chair and spins around a few times. He has some time before Chanyeol comes home. He promised to show him some of his older projects on his computer this time after they talked about them again.

It’s a weird, tingly feeling that wanders through his stomach when he thinks of Chanyeol. It’s joy and excitement but also a little more and it’s warm and comfortable and so simple between them. The dark haired doesn’t remember a time when he felt the laugh and words of someone else echo so deeply in himself but he likes it this way.

The cold he used to feel when entering his empty apartment is replaced with a warm buzzing in his veins - anticipation - because it’s Thursday and this means he won’t be alone because Chanyeol will be here soon.

He stares at the white ceiling that stares back in silence, while he tries to repeat the words in his head like a mantra; “He will be here soon. It’s Thursday. Thursday is Chicken Night, he will be here soon” but the weird, uncomfortable way in which his stomach flips tells Jongin that he isn’t believing his own words anymore.

It’s gotten dark and the studio is only illuminated by the bleak, cold light of his computer screen that paints the whole room in a blue shade but Jongin has long given up sitting in front of it, trying to get any work done.

It’s been 4 hours but there is no sign of Chanyeol. Jongin is hungry but he feels sick in his stomach and doesn’t want to eat. It’s Thursday. It’s Chicken Night. Chanyeol will be here soon. He looks over at the digital clock that sits on his bedside table as he folds his fingers over his chest but they feel cold and heavy.

It’s silent in the studio. The only exception is the ticking of the clock and the muttering of his computer’s ventilation, which both transform into a duet of mockery in Jongin’s ears.

He started up his computer and tried to work on an old idea of his that he wanted to show Chanyeol. It’s nothing he did for a job but just for himself. A small piece of himself, that he wanted to share with Chanyeol because it’s Thursday. It’s Chicken Night. But his digital clock reads 10:26 pm and Chanyeol isn’t coming.

Maybe he scared him off when he opened up a bit the last time and told him about his dream of taking part in the BIC Fest with an own game one day and how he wanted to produce the change he always wanted to see, so one day he could give out a game that represented people that usually were left looking for their place in the world, so that no youth had to feel like he did these years ago, wondering if people like him would just always be invisible in their society.

Maybe he got bored of him or annoyed because sometimes Jongin doesn’t know how to react to certain things without feeling weird and anxious.

Jongin tosses around with a frustrated groan. Maybe he has  gotten into this too fast and too deep. Maybe he has gotten too excited about the warmth of spring that has slowly found its way into his apartment and life. Why did he have to cling to that warmth so much that it now hurts twice as much to feel the cold seeping back into his chest again. He has always been used to it. To watch the people around him come and go, like a leaf in the wind - not really flying but not falling either. But now he is scared. He doesn’t want to feel that loneliness again. But maybe things are not as easy and simple as Chanyeol made it feel.

Jongin wakes up groggily when he hears a knock and shortly after the peep of his keylock. He can see the light of the hallway fall into his dark flat but he’s not awake enough yet to move or react. He can hear the ruffling of clothes and bags before Chanyeol appears in his field of vision, cinnamon hair in wild disarray, glasses sitting ascrew, jacket slipping from his shoulder, dragged by his heavy backpack that he wears on one shoulder only no matter how how many times Jongin has scolded him for it the past weeks.

He’s breathing heavily, indicating that he hurried up the stairs but it still takes long for Jongin to take it all in and react.

Chanyeol has stumbled over his own feet and is sitting in front of his bed. He’s not smiling as usual. Instead his face is distorted into an expression of remorse.

“I’m so sorry. Did you wait long? My boss made me work the late shift and I forgot my phone at home so I couldn’t send you a heads-up.”

Jongin sits up and ruffles through his hair. He watches Chanyeol how he sits on the floor in front of his bed and complains about his boss and how annoying some of the customers were today and suddenly he doesn’t feel cold anymore.

He feels how the ice cold weight lifts from his shoulders and he feels light again - actually he feels kind of stupid for all the bad things he thought when Chanyeol jumps up on his feet and hurries over to one of the bag he has discarded together with his jacket in the kitchen area.

“I brought extra chicken, in case you are still hungry… I mean it’s Chicken Thursday, after all, right?”

Jongin looks over at the clock on his bedside cabinet that shows 12:23 am and raises one of his eyebrows when he looks back at Chanyeol who has started unpacking the boxes in excitement already. When he sees his expression though, he slums his shoulders and pouts. “Oh come on!” Jongin laughs and finally gets up to walk over to the other that has started digging through the upper compartments to purr them something to drink.

Jongin doesn’t know why but he buries his face in the Chanyeol’s back and wraps his arms around his hips.

It’s not strange for them to hug anymore - they became quite close the past weeks after all - but usually he is too shy to initiate it.

He stays like that for a few seconds, eyes closed, just breathing. In and Out.

“You didn’t have to do that,” he whispers then.

Chanyeol puts down the tumblers and turns around. He holds Jongin’s shoulders. Jongin likes how big and warm and protective his hands feel.

He looks at him for a few seconds and smiles softly.

“But I wanted to. I know you hate to eat alone and I don’t like it either…”

Chanyeol’s voice is low but Jongin likes the way it sounds when the other whispers. They are still standing close and he just likes how intimate it feels.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t come. That you’d get tired of me,” he admits in a small voice and bites his lips when he can see how the other knits his eyebrows in disapproval.

“That’s stupid. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know,” he replies defeatedly because he’s not ready to talk about all the demons in his head yet. Chanyeol doesn’t pressure him, instead Jongin can feel one of the warm hands running through his hair, massaging his scalp and it sends pleasant tingles through his body.

“Good, then try not to think like that anymore, OK?”

Jongin nods but doesn’t say another word. The way Chanyeol’s fingertips make his scalp tingle is too distracting. He can’t stop his fingers from clinging to the hand and press it back onto his head tenderly when he feels the other trying to detach it.

Chanyeol’s hand slips from his head when he unconsciously presses it against his cheek. The heat he can feel shooting into his face is a clear indicator that he is blushing by now but somehow, he still manages to look up into the other’s face when he feels both hands cupping his cheeks - just before his eyes flutter shut when he feels warm breath feather over his face as lips fit themselves over his own in a chaste kiss.

“To be honest I was looking forward to seeing you today all week...”, Chanyeol whispers and his voice sounds soft and rough at the same time, while he presses their foreheads together and Jongin can sense how Chanyeol’s eyes are locked on his lips, when his own hands snake around broad shoulders.

He is happy and warm and his body is tingling but in the best way in forever.

♦

The hugs and kisses don’t stop and Jongin is surprised how easy it is to open up like that to someone. It didn’t feel this easy or comfortable back in university but when he is with Chanyeol he finds himself stop worrying as things just seem to click like pieces of a puzzle. There is no need for words - neither when their fingers intertwined and he leans onto Chanyeol’s shoulder, nor when they whisper to each other until their lips fit together and they start to speak a different language.

It’s warm, it’s comfortable, it’s pleasant, it’s oh so simple and he likes it.

Jongin finds himself clinging desperately to these warm, simple moments the next couple of weeks. His old project is over and he tries several times to get another assignment but commissions go slow the next month. Seeing Chanyeol in the evening when the latter arrives at their flats after work, or in the morning before he has to go is a wonderful distraction and the sensation that runs through his body and all over his skin when Chanyeol holds him or presses his lips onto his head when they watch a movie makes it feel almost surreal.

It’s a weird contrast of how his life can be so in peace and full of stress and worries at the same time but as soon as they are together, eating garlic chicken and drinking beer, or when he starts tidying up Chanyeol’s flat after the other has left, he feels calm and everything seems so easy. It’s as if he stops falling (or flying) for a few moments, put in vacuo.

But it never lasts forever, and as soon as he returns to his own four walls to brush his teeth, water the plants and clean the studio - he would gladly do any kind of chore instead of looking at his desk area - he feels grey and uninspired, cold and hopeless.

His emotions double over when he finally gets a call, one afternoon in early May and he spends the next couple of days sketching out ideas. The first burst of motivation only lasts that long, though. He changes everything again when the second call of his new potential commissioner comes and a second time roughly half a week later. Jongin feels weird and uncomfortable and not even being in Chanyeol’s embrace loosens up his stiffness the second time - even half an hour after the call.

Chanyeol sighs and gently sits the other down on the couch that divides the small apartment.

“You seem unwell,” he states and it sounds unlike him to voice an ugly thing just like that. It doesn’t ease Jongin’s anxiety but it also doesn’t worsen it.

“I’m just kind of stressed because of the project I have to show my commissioner, soon” he explains and it’s the truth - he just lets out some of the uglier details.

The cinnamon haired nods slowly before he gets up with a sigh again.

“OK. I’ll cook then and you can work on your new project all you want. But if something is making you feel uncomfortable, please tell me. It’s hard first, but it helps to talk things through, sometimes,” he smiles and Jongin can see in his eyes and the thin smile that he knows - he just knows something is up, he just doesn’t know what, before he feels Chanyeol kissing his forehead and leaving for the small kitchen area.

Jongin bites his lips. He doesn’t get up to sit down in front of his desk again. He knows himself well enough, to be certain he wouldn’t get any work done in this state.

Instead he hugs one of the oval pillows and stares out the window. He watches the sun dance on the leaves of his gum tree but his insides still feel cold and gloomy.

It feels like it has only been a couple of minutes when Chanyeol sits down next to him again but the way the sun colors the surroundings orange and pink spoils the truth.

“...,” Jongin opens his mouth and takes a breath but ends up just closing it again. He can feel Chanyeol’s eyes on him for a few seconds but then, they just sit next to each other again, silently eating the freestyled dish Chanyeol made for them.

It’s delicious but Jongin feels like even his taste buds are feeling bleak today.

He stares into his empty bowl for a few more minutes, until he finally breaks.

“I… I don’t even know if I still want to do this project. It feels weird and the commissioner called me two times to change up details. They never listen to any ideas I might bring to the table and always sound so rushed and urgent that I don’t even dare to speak up in the first place. It’s really bad and the idea of having to work in an office like this for weeks makes me feel like I have ice-cold boulders sitting in the pit of my stomach. I just hate it but what if I never get another commission again?”

He feels Chanyeol’s eyes on him but Jongin doesn’t want to say anything more. He feels like he already said too much.

“Do you want me to say something? Or...”

Jongin shakes his head and Chanyeol humms understandingly.

He doesn’t dare to look up and it even startles him a bit when he feels a set of warm, big fingers wandering over the small of his back before he’s pulled closer to Chanyeol’s side, into a hug.

He doesn’t fight back because deep inside, this is what he didn’t know he needed.

He breathes. In and out. It’s shaky at first but when he presses his head against Chanyeol’s chest and feels strong arms wrapping around him, pulling him closer, he calms down.

He is never sure if he’s falling or flying but maybe that’s not even important as long as there is someone there to catch him.

♦

“Alright,” he breathes out when he’s finally done and turns around on his desk chair to find Chanyeol stretched out on his bed. The taller man has arrived after his late shift about two hours prior and Jongin feels a little sorry when he looks at his neighbour that is completely passed out - too tired from the shift at the supermarket.

Jongin smiles as he watches him for a few seconds. He feels warm and comfortable when he sees Chanyeol. He doesn’t know when it happened but he adores the way his cinnamon locks shine dimly in the light of his bedside lamp. The shadows that fall deep into his elvish face make it seem gloomy and rough but Jongin knows better.

He knows how soft Chanyeol’s skin feels (except for the stubble around his chin, but this is exciting, too) and how it tastes on his lips.

He likes how it makes Chanyeol hiccup in restrained excitement when he kisses his neck. It’s intimate and exciting but when they are just for themselves Jongin doesn’t mind the embarrassment. He likes it just too much to have a care in the world.

He can feel the other steering in his sleep when he lays down next to him, bedding his head on Chanyeol’s shoulder. Jongin watches how he starts to smack his lips and rub his eyes, movements lazy and slow, before a pair of eyes look at him fondly.

“Finally done?” Chanyeol’s voice is raspy and Jongin bites his tongue, not ready to admit how attractive he thinks it is.

“Yeah, sorry that I kept you waiting. But not only today… also the past week. I’m just so excited for this new project and I don’t want to screw up again like the last time…”

He hears how Chanyeol grumbles in disapproval but decides to ignore it.

“But this time I have a good feeling and I’m glad you stayed… are you still hungry?”

They sit up and Jongin presses his eyes shut, warm, pleasant shivers running down his spine when he feels Chanyeol’s lips nipping at the bridge of his nose affectionately.

“I told you before; the last project just didn’t fit. You didn’t even like the idea and the company was uncomfortable and cold. It would have been bad for you to work there anyway,”

Jongin listens and nods his head. “I know…” he whispers with a small pout.

The other is right but it’s still hard for him to forget about this personal defeat and the ice-cold fear of rejection yet.

He looks at the clock on his bedside table and sighs. “I guess it’s too late for Chicken now…” he muses when Chanyeol wraps his arms around his stomach and pulls him close. He likes them close.

“It’s fine. I’m not hungry like that,” the taller murmurs into the crown of his hair and Jongin can feel the warmth of the other’s breath send waves of sensation and pleasant excitement over every inch of his skin. It’s as if he precipitated an avalanche and they just let themselves be carried away by it.

Jongin lies in his bed, listening to the sound of his shower - or at least what he can make out from it over the sound of the crickets that play their music loudly into the warm, early summer night. It’s completely dark in his studio now, except for the lights of the street lamps from outside, that paint weird patterns of light and shadow onto the ceiling. He watches silently how the shadows start to dance when a car drives by.He’s exhausted from the sex but it also makes him feel calm and it’s almost as if his head is the clearest once he cools down again. It’s different from everything before Chanyeol but it’s pleasant and exciting and makes him feel wonderful in his own skin.

Jongin feels calm but also really excited. His head and heart are full with things, big and small that grew inside of him and that he has carried with himself the last couple of months and maybe it’s just about time to let it slip, get it out of his system because after all, opening up to Chanyeol has always been like everything else, that involves his handsome, wonderful neighbour and friend- comfortable, warm and so, so easy.

It’s so simple and he feels like they have shared all of this deep inside of them already without using any words. But it’s still different as soon as he thinks about actually saying it aloud.

“I thought… maybe we should get us toothbrushes,” he wonders aloud when can see Chanyeol walking over to his backpack to put a small washbag into it. He’s only wearing boxer shorts but Jongin likes the view - especially because seeing Chanyeol like that is also a sign of how comfortable the other feels around him.

He turns around to lie on his belly when the latter sits down at the edge of the bed again with a sly grin on his face.

“We could also look for a bigger flat, that fits both of our stuff,” he says and Jongin secretly envies him for being able to say things like this so casually.

He blushes nonetheless but tries to compose himself.

“Yeah, maybe…” he mumbles, “ but toothbrushes are a good start.”

Chanyeol laughs, causing Jongin to hide his pout in the taller’s chest as soon as he lays down on the bed again.

“You are so cute,” he coos and Jongin rolls his eyes - still a little petulant - at least until Chanyeol kisses him sweetly.

“It’s just one more thing that I love about you,” he murmurs, voice slowly dying down when he closes his eyes and stirs, trying to get comfortable.

Jongin looks at him, eyes big in surprise for a few seconds before he just smiles and cuddles closer, ear resting on Chanyeol’s naked, warm chest when he whispers back into the balmy summer night: “I love you, too.”

It’s warm and comfortable and simple.  So simple.

“And I love how you make me feel like I’m home.”