Chapter Text
The rain hit hard against the closed window, like fast bullets, loud and demanding. As if it wanted to make a point. As if it wanted to show the impact weighting as heavy as worlds. The impact of… of it.
It.
Way easier to call it by that, than actually saying it out aloud.
Shouto just arrived at home from it and he wasn’t surprised to find a blonde head of hair in front of him. He wasn’t surprised either, that Katsuki didn’t attend it. What surprised him though was, that he didn’t pay much attention to Shouto. Instead he was throwing stuff in a huge bag. Stuff that he used nearly every day, because even though it was technically still Shoutos flat and Katsuki had one on his own at the other side of the town, he was here so often that you could basically say he lived here too.
Shouto didn’t mind at all. He would have loved to move in together with him finally, but looking at the current events something like that wouldn’t happen too soon probably. Not after it happened.
Because it had shown all of them with a brutal force only life itself could come up with, that being a hero loving another hero wasn’t just dangerous. It was perilous.
And when death hit, it hit hard and brought more tears than the sky contained raindrops.
No one of them had ever thought about it. No one had thought it could ever happen. Like, really happen. It was a warning you got told millions of times during your hero training.
Be careful with your relationships. Or even better: don’t even fall in love with a fellow hero.
Every teacher told you about it. Again and again.
No one of them had ever taken it serious. No one would have ever thought, that those words weren’t just for show. That they grounded from own experiences. From losing former class members themselves. Former friends. Former loved ones.
But it proofed them all wrong.
Because it was the horrible synonym for the funeral of Ochaco Uraraka.
Even thinking about it still felt surreal to him. Unreal.
But it wasn’t. It was as real as the countless tears, half of them shed by Tsuyu, the love of her life alone. As real as the heavy pain in Shoutos chest. As real as his deep love for Katsuki.
When it happened, it did so with the full attention of the general public. They literally could see it in the news – and couldn’t do anything against it. No one of them; and no one even thought it would be necessary to do something. It looked like a normal job. Like normal hero-wok. But it wasn’t.
The villains held Tsuyu hostage and every hero knew that you had to stay calm in a situation like this and wait for reinforcement.
But how could you stay calm, when your loved one was being tortured in front of your eyes?
How could you even hesitate a single second and do nothing?
Uraraka couldn’t and in a normal case it probably would have worked out anyway – but it wasn’t the normal case. It was put-up job. A planned trap. They had gathered villains with quirks that made their own ones practically useless.
They killed Uraraka in the blink of an eye, right in front of Tsuyu. She had to watch. Couldn’t do anything but to watch.
And feel. And cry. And scream. As soon as realization hit her.
Later Tsuyu told them, that they had let her live on purpose. So she would never forget. So she would always remember. So she would always be in pain. A kind of pain you couldn’t even form into words.
Watching it in the news, it didn’t appear to be that serious at first. It didn’t seem that someone died, because no one ever did. They always made it somehow. Always.
Yes, there were wounds and scratches and scars and many dangerous situations, but at the end of the day they survived.
Heroes didn’t die, heroes saved.
Friends didn’t die, they laughed together with you.
Lovers didn’t die… they held your heart.
But Uraraka died.
A fellow hero. A friend. Tsuyus fiancée.
And that changed everything.
When they got their invitation for the funeral, Katsuki didn’t even open the letter. He just burned it to ashes without any comment. His strategy was denial. It always was. The problem was, you couldn’t deny death as good as you could deny feelings – he had been an expert in that one – and Shouto knew it was eating him up inside.
He could tell from his red eyes. From the way Katsuki pushed him away constantly – just to slung his arms around him at night, tightly and firm as if he never wanted to let him go.
Shouto had tried to persuade him to come anyway. Not only for himself… but most importantly for Katsukis sake. Things were easier when you could share them with your friends and even Katsuki knew this – even though he never would admit it; but he had told him to shut up and minding his own business over and over again and in the end Shouto was forced to go without him.
Of course, no one blamed Katsuki, they all understood too well – but it got Shouto worried sick.
So seeing his boyfriend packing his stuff carelessly into a huge bag wasn’t reassuring either. Quite the contrary.
“Katsuki,” he finally said calm as he doffed of his coat. “What are you doing?”
The blonde seemed to tense, but didn’t answer. Instead he was even fastening with packing the bag.
Shouto sighed deeply and crossed the room to get to his boyfriend.
“Katsuki,” he said again, grabbing his left wrist.
“Let go of me!” he hissed angrily and tried to free himself. Shouto let him, only to grab both of his shoulders. With that he finally looked at him. There was something strange in his fiercely red eyes. It nearly seemed like he was trying to fight the tears with his enormous rage.
“Katsuki… what is this all about?” Shouto asked quietly. His counterpart now avoided his gaze.
“Isn’t it obvious, half n’ half bastard? I’m packing.” His voice was rough and sharp.
“Yeah, I already figured that. But I’m wondering why?”
“Don’t play stupid. You know it anyway.”
“Do I?”
“Just fuck off.”
He freed himself again and rushed to the bathroom. Shouto followed him in silence, stopped at the doorframe and crossed his arms as he observed how Katsuki teared open the mirrored bathroom cabinet. His hands began to shiver uncontrolledly as he grabbed his toothbrush and other incidentals, before he slammed the door of the cabinet with brutal force.
Then he rushed past Shouto, jostling against his shoulder and threw the things carelessly on top of the bag. With that he zipped it up breathing out heavily. He didn’t even look at him once.
“Are you done now?“ Shoutos voice was calm and unfazed as ever but deep inside he felt fear scaling up, weighting as heavy as an iceberg.
“Don’t.” Katsuki said quietly with an unfamiliar desperate undertone.
“Katsuki, what – ”
“Don’t do that. Don’t make it any fucking harder.” He grabbed the handle of the bag so tightly that his knuckles showed.
Shouto stared at him totally taken by surprise, before he went over to him. Gently he placed his hand on the one that was slung around the handle and tried to loosen the grip. He let him.
“Katsuki…”, he mumbled, stroking a strand of blonde hair aside so he could see one of his eyes. “Talk to me.”
“Get off, Shouto,” he whispered.
“No.”
“Get the fuck off!”
Now he turned to him, looking at him accusingly and Shouto could see it crystal clear. The whiff of tears in the corner of his eyes.
“I can’t do this, okay? I won’t allow this to happen!”
“What do you – ”
“For fucks sake, spare me the stupid questions! You fucking know what I mean! You fucking know it…”
“I’m sorry but I’m not quite sure.”
He let out a sound of frustration, before grabbing Shoutos shirt.
“I won’t let you fucking die, get it? I won’t let you die because of this stupid shit!”
“Stupid sh – ”
“Because of me, asshole! Because of this! Because of – because of us, god damn it!”
“Katsuki, calm down,” Shouto said gently, showing him a reassuring smile. “No one is going to die.”
As soon as the words left his lips, he felt like choking on them. They left a bitter taste in his mouth and he felt the need to add the word anymore, but he didn’t. This wasn’t about him or how he felt. This was about comforting Katsuki, because Shouto could feel it in any word.
His pain. His fear. And his love.
It was rarely enough that he showed any of it so forthright and the mere thought about him wanting to leave made him feel like drowning. Even if it was for Shoutos sake and to show how much he cared. To show how much he loved him.
A thought that made him happy, despite the grave and painful situation – but it didn’t last long.
“That’s a fucking lie and you know it. So please…” Katsuki paused and Shouto forgot how to breath for a second because when he used the word please, it was never in a positive context. “…let me protect the only fucking thing in the world I care for.” Red eyes met his mismatched ones with an intensity that he was sure to never forget these words. Also, he couldn’t help but to smile at this, but there was also some pain in it.
“I will. But don’t you think it would be best if you protected it yourself? In person?”
He laughed shortly and it made Shoutos heart fill with some hope for a moment. “Nice try, halfy.” Katsuki tousled through his red and white hair, showing a rare loving smile that changed into sadness deeper as the ocean in the next instant. “But this isn’t discussable.“
“Don’t I deserve a say in this too?“
“You do. But you know perfectly well that I don’t give a shit about words.”
“You do give a shit about my words.”
“Not as much as mine.”
Katsuki sighed deeply. Then he said, “I’m sorry. This is taking way too long already. I should get going now.” He dropped his gaze and added quietly, “Promise that you never go looking for me, Shouto.”
“How should I ever promise you that?” he asked and was surprised it didn’t sound nearly as desperate as he actually felt. Maybe that was because he couldn’t comprehend what was happening here to its full extent. Maybe because he still had some hope to convince him of the contrary. Maybe because he thought that the truth he felt with his heart could be reversed if he just tried hard enough.
The devastating truth, that Katsuki already decided and that nothing could change his mind.
But still… how should he promise him something like that?
“Because you love me,” Katsuki finally answered. Word as simples as they were true.
“But you love me too…” It was a childish, stupid answer, but Shouto couldn’t think straight. All he knew was, that he wanted to stop this. That he wanted him to stay. No matter how.
“I do. I fucking do.” Katsuki agreed. “So don’t you dare ruin this, icyhot.“
It hurt. Hearing this stupid nickname and thinking about how he never might hear it again hurt so damn much, that he felt like needles were stabbed right into his heart.
“Don’t.” Shouto said, grabbing the bottom part of his shirt. “Don’t go.”
“I have to.“
“Not like this…”
“Damn it, Shouto…!”
“Kiss me.”
Now Shouto was looking at him directly. Demanding. Desperate. Helpless.
Katsukis eyes went big and there was so much pain in them you could literally feel it. Finally he shook his head, about to say something, but Shouto was faster.
“I demand one last kiss. One last night sleeping next to you. One last…” He gulped. “Goodbye. You ow us that much.”
He seemed torn, but didn’t flinch when Shouto gently touched his cheek.
“I won’t change my mind. You know that, right? So don’t even try to,” Katsuki whispered and closed his eyes as he leaned against his forehead. With small tears streaming down his cheeks he added, “And don’t you dare to fucking cry.”
“I’ll just cry as much as you do, Katsuki.”
“Fucking perfect, so no tears are shed.”
“Not a single one,” Shouto agreed dryly.
“You makin’ fun of me, half n’ half bastard?”
There was a small twitch in his heart when he answered, “What if I did?” because joking around like this felt right and safe but at the same time it didn’t, because it was possibly the last time they did – but Shouto pushed that thought away into the deepest corner of his mind. Nothing should ruin this for him. Not even his very reasonable thoughts.
“Oh, you don’t want to find out, I promise you that. And now shut your stupid mouth and kiss me already…,” Katsuki played along, before their lips finally met in a deep, longing kiss.
It was full of sadness and pain and agony but at the same time beautiful and securing and full of love and affection and gratefulness.
They kissed for a very long time, only parting for some seconds when one of them needed some air to breath, but even those seconds seemed way too long. They were too valuable to be wasted with anything else but kissing.
Later they lay in bed together, cuddled up and in silence. It was cozy and comforting and perfect and feeling the reassuring beat of Kasukis heart under his palm made Shouto smile. If he could have, he would have chosen this single moment to live in it forever.
“Katsuki…,” he finally whispered into the darkness, not sure if he was still awake. Inwardly Shouto had sworn to himself that he wouldn’t fall asleep. That he would stay awake the whole night to not miss out on any moment he had left with him.
And then he said, even though the blonde told him he shouldn’t, “Don’t leave me. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t…”
The hand he had placed at Katsukis heart was covered by another one and then gently pushed. “I never will,” he said roughly. “Not really.” With that he turned to Shouto and pressed a soft kiss on his lips before pulling him tightly to his chest. “It will be all right.”
Both of them knew it was a lie.
Both of them wanted to believe it with all of their heart though.
Despite of his intentions Shouto fell asleep at some point and as soon as he woke up he knew that Katsuki was gone. Really gone.
The sheets were cold.
He still could taste a last kiss on his lips.
And even though he knew in his heart that is was pointless, he got up and looked in every single corner of his apartment for him anyway. For him or for a sign he would come back eventually.
Of course, there was nothing for him to find, because there was nothing he left.
Nothing but coldness, emptiness and silence.
A coldness he couldn’t oppose with his quirk.
An emptiness he had nothing to fill with.
A silence he would never become accustomed to.
Shouto knew all of that with every fiber of his trembling body, but just as he was about to finally break down and be buried under the heavy weight of everything he lost, he saw it from the corner of his eyes. The dark red hoody, hanging at the back of a kitchen chair.
The memory hit him hard and without any time to prepare for the impact. It was this damn old hoody, that set the beginning for their relationship. Back then Shouto had coughed a cold and that always messed around with his body temperature and quirk a bit. That was one of the rare occasions he really felt cold for a longer period of time and even shivered. Katsuki noticed it and took off his hoody to throw it in his lap, while complaining that his damn shivering was annoying as hell before taking his leave. Being nice to him had been hard for Katsuki at this time as he found out soon, because he was already trying his hardest to deny that he had any feelings for Shouto.
A few days later Katsuki knocked at his door wanting his hoody back, but he fell dead-silent and turned as red as the left side of Shoutos hair as he realized, that Shouto was in the middle of getting dressed. Shouto was confused due to his reaction, while Katsuki nearly lost it and through him yelling and Shouto continuously asking what the hell was wrong, they somehow ended up kissing. Well, Katsuki explained to him afterwards that this had been the only way to finally shut his damn mouth, but Shouto had been happy anyway and it was some running gag, that he asked Katsuki from time to time if he wanted his hoody back, while the blonde answered that he should keep it until he decided otherwise.
And there it was… the old red hoody that never failed to make Shouto smile whenever he stumbled across it accidentally while looking for something completely different.
It didn’t fail to make him smile now. It didn’t fail to make him cry as well.
He couldn’t tell why Katsuki had left it. If he did it on purpose or if he simply had forgotten to take it, but Shouto didn’t care. He didn’t care at all, because that damn old hoody was everything he had left.
And maybe… maybe it also was a tiny flicker of hope. So tiny you couldn’t see it with the naked eyes, but still there. He banned this thought into the darkest corner of his mind though. He wasn’t one to hold on to faint hopes and Katsuki wasn’t one to go back on his words.
However, it took five days for his tiny tiny flicker of hope to change into a huge beam of sunlight.
The message he received was from an unknown phone number. Shouto didn’t waste any time on trying to figure it out, because he knew perfectly well who wrote those words and he also knew that he probably already got another new number.
Still he was happy and read it probably a hundred of times:
Forgot my fucking hoody again. You better not dare to ever throw it away, got it?
“Never…,” Shouto promised smiling, even though no one could hear him. There were tears streaming down his face and he couldn’t tell if they were out of happiness or sadness or both, but he didn’t care at all, because this was more than he had ever hoped for.
He knew that it didn’t mean Katsuki would come back anytime soon. It didn’t even mean he ever would come back. Yes, he knew that perfectly well; but at the same time Shouto knew that he didn’t slam the door and threw the key away. Instead, he left it open on purpose. This door through that he maybe would return one day…
And it didn’t matter how many hours, or days or years would pass… Shouto would always be there to welcome him with a smile. Always.