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I remember the first day I met my son.
Some wacked-out woman demanded drug money for the baby. She wanted to sell him, but I told her ‘no’. She upped and dumped him a few feet away from me, then ran. Too stunned to give chase, I picked up Kaoru and fell in love instantly.
This kid was like a breath of fresh air. He was small and silent, staring up at me like I’d never be anything but kind to him.
I named him Kaoru, after the way he stirred in me a parental instinct. It was as if he could take out all of my bad parts and replace them with something good. Like I was filling up with something pleasant, instead of the stench of rot that seemed to permeate my essence from the day I was born.
I knew that if I stayed in the yakuza, it would only cause Kaoru trouble. I wanted to keep him from the garbage I dealt with every day, so I left honorably and moved to a different district.
I’ve been raising Kaoru as my own son. I tried to erase his past, right down to changing his last name when I moved him to my registry to officially adopt him.
That brings us to today. A day when Kaoru is being a decidedly uncute little brat.
“C’mon, Kaoru,” I plead. “I have to go to work. Can you pick up your bag like a big boy and walk with me to the preschool?”
“No!” my son shouts. He takes the backpack out of my hand and throws it to the floor.
Well shit.
I sigh, counting to five in my head. “We don’t talk like that,” I slowly tell him.
I grab his bag and hold it out again. “I’m going to ask you one more time—Can you carry your stuff and walk with me?”
“NOOO!!” Kaoru hollers as tears start to fall.
I scratch the side of my head. Really wish I hadn’t given up smoking about now. OH—
Reaching into my pocket, I remember the candy. “Just for today,” I begin, holding out a lollipop.
He smacks it to the floor of our apartment and it skitters away. “Don’t leave me again, daddy!” Kaoru blurts.
“W-wh-what?!” I gasp. “Leave you? Like for school?” I question.
“I don’t wanna go back there!” I Kaoru cries. “Everyone was loud and some of the kids were mean and no one wanted to share!!”
I lean down to wipe his tears and my kid goes on. “I t-tried to share the markers you gave me and—And a boy just t-took two and ran away! And then the teacher said that markers aren’t alloweddd!!” he wails. “She took the r-r-rest of them...”
He hiccoughs a few times and gets it all out. I squat down to get at Kaoru’s level. “Hey,” I try to sound kinder. “I’m sorry they got taken away, but we can get more. And stay away from that boy—He sounds like a turd.”
Kaoru snickers and then catches himself. His eyes go wide. “The other teacher said ‘turd’ isn’t a nice word...”
I chuckle a little. I need to watch my language better.
“I know,” I ruffle his hair. “That wasn’t nice of dad, was it?”
Kaoru cautiously shakes his head, as if I’ll get too frustrated that I did something wrong. I smile at him. “It’ll get better. It was only the first day.”
“I d-don’t know,” Kaoru whimpers, grabbing onto my coat. He looks so small...
“You’ll make friends if you stick it out,” I assure him. “You’ll find new kids to play with when I’m busy.”
I watch as Kaoru’s eyes light up. “Really?” he guardedly asks, not ready to give up.
“Mmhm!” I hum, patting his back. “It’ll be great, you’ll see. I loved school!”
“You did?” he starts to smile.
“Yeah,” I lie. “It was hard at first, but then I liked it even better than being home! Can you believe that?” That isn’t a lie.
Kaoru cocks his head to the side. “I’d never love anywhere more than home!” he fiercely declares.
“I know,” I say, handing him his bag. I’d like to think that’s thanks to me. I’ll always make home a good place for you.
I grin down at Kaoru. “But we have to get going for now.”
My son takes his backpack and puts the loops over his shoulders. “Okay,” he agrees, warming up to the idea of school. I hold his hand as we make the short walk to the preschool.
I drop Kaoru off without incident. When the teacher walks over to complain about the pack of markers, I apologize and take them back.
“Markers weren’t listed on the sheet of contraband,” I comment.
The teacher actually laughs! “No one has ever sent their child in with markers before!” they explain to me. “They’re too dangerous. The children draw all over the walls and each other. You know,” she offhandedly remarks with a look that expects me to commiserate.
I feel my eyebrows drawing together in a frown. ‘Dangerous’? THAT’S what these people consider dangerous?
And draw on other people?! My kid would never! Kaoru is usually so quiet and obedient. I’ve never had a problem—Aside from him not wanting to leave me.
But the teacher is still staring expectantly.
“No,” I honestly report. “He only draws on paper.”
“W-well,” the person falters.
“Hnnh,” I grin. “He’s a good kid, please watch over him.”
“Of course!” the teacher assures me with a wave.
I head off for work, considering all the new things I need to learn. I need to maintain a good relationship with these people. I’ll have to humor them and watch my tongue. It won’t be easy; pleasantries go against everything I’ve learned so far.
When I get to my shop, I unlock the door and flip the sign to open. It’s just a small store in a nasty section of Shibuya, but I’ll make it better—I’ll make it mine. I’ll work hard to be the best parent and run a good shop, today and every day.
Both for myself, and for Kaoru.