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Beca feels like someone just punched her.
The pain that radiates through her body momentarily stuns her, it knocks the breath from her lungs. But as the ache settles in deep in her heart she turns to flee the scene, desperate to get away from the sight of Chloe kissing Chicago.
Unfortunately, when she turns around Theo is there smiling at her. Which momentarily distracts the singer from all of the inner turmoil suddenly raging around in her head.
He moves closer to her and she can tell his lips are moving as if he’s saying something but Beca can’t hear anything except her own blood rushing in her ears.
He lifts his shoulders in a shrug, seemingly waiting for her to respond.
The only thing that crosses her mind? He really does look like a fucking turtle.
With that thought she brushes him off and leaves, the image of Chloe and Chicago burned into her brain.
---
Beca wanders around the city her high-heeled boots clacking against the cobblestones, hands stuffed in the pockets of her gold jacket.
Her mind is buzzing, swirling images and thoughts form a kaleidoscope of misery inside her head. She can’t stop thinking about Chloe. Chloe kissing Chicago, and the feeling of being punched at the sight. A dull ache in her chest still lingers and she can feel hot tears welling behind her eyes.
For the past 7 years, Beca has been by Chloe’s side. Through thick and thin, with the Bellas and without them.
She was the one to comfort the redhead when Tom broke her heart. She was there when Steven cheated on her (and she’d been the one to hunt him down and beat the shit of him too), she was there time after time when Chloe would come home from a date only to shrug when Beca asked if she’d see the guy again. And when Chloe would climb into Beca’s bed or onto the couch and snuggle into her, she was glad to be the one that was there (not some silly boy).
Beca has seen Chloe kiss guys, and even Stacie a few times too. Each time she’d acknowledged that she didn’t like it, but always managed to convince herself it was because she didn’t want to see Chloe get her heart broken.
And of course, Chloe had done the same for her with Jesse, Chloe had been the one to comfort Beca after a fight with Jesse, which was often. Chloe was the one who’d hold her at night when she cried over him every time they did the on-again off-again thing. When they’d broken up for good, Beca was really upset, but then Chloe came home with ice-cream, wine and a cheesy chick flick, pulling Beca into her lap as they laughed. By the time they crawled into bed together that night Beca couldn’t even remember why she was sad in the first place.
The redhead always makes everything better, she makes Beca’s heart smile (as ridiculous as that sounds).
She’s Beca’s best friend…
Only, Beca knows that description isn’t quite accurate.
Amy is her best friend, but Chloe, Chloe is something else.
In her heart she’d always known it to be true, known it for nearly as long as she’d known the bubbly girl. But never had she let herself really acknowledge what they were to each other, or why. Beca’s simply accepted the fact that somehow Chloe’s managed to break down all of her walls. Has crept into the depths of her heart and taken permanent residence there.
Chloe with her hugs, cuddles and touchy-feely nature, Chloe who has no personal boundaries, especially when it comes to Beca. Chloe with her kindness, her compassion, her ability to always see the best in everyone, even cranky alternative badasses who don’t deserve it. Chloe with her sparkling blue eyes, her smile that reminds Beca of sunshine… and her laugh. The sound that resonates deep into Beca’s bones, the one she’d do literally anything to hear.
Taking a deep sigh Beca looks at her surroundings. Somehow, she’s found her way to the sea side. The ocean laps at the pebbled beach, the sound is soothing to her mind.
She manages to climb over a few larger rocks to get down closer to the water, she sits just out of reach of the tide bringing her knees up to her chest. Her chin rests on top of them and she lets out a sigh.
Her heart still aches.
Looking out into the darkness, listening to the ocean, Beca finally lets her tears fall.
And as they silently slide down her cheeks she lets something else happen too.
She lets herself acknowledge the truth of why she’s aching, of why seeing Chloe with Chicago hurts so damn much. Let’s herself acknowledge why Chloe has ALWAYS been different.
Beca doesn’t know when it happened. Part of her wonders if it was that very first day at the activities fair, or maybe after Chloe has purposely failed Russian Lit. (the first time) just to stay with Beca, or maybe it was at Worlds.
She really can’t pinpoint the moment it happened, but she knows it doesn’t really matter.
What matters is that she’s utterly and hopelessly in love with Chloe.
A fresh wave of tears fall as the truth settles over her.
She tucks her head in between her chest and her knees sobbing because she knows that it’s too late. Chloe is with Chicago now. Beca hadn’t realized her feelings in time and now, there's no hope, just an endless expanse of hurt. She bitterly thinks that maybe it’s for the best because Chloe couldn’t possibly feel that way about her.
---
Beca isn’t sure how much time passes as she sits there wallowing in her heartache and self-loathing, she’s only roused out of her daze when she hears someone call her name.
At first, she doesn’t quite recognize the voice, just knows it must be one of the Bellas. Sitting up a little bit she wipes furiously at her face as the person approaches.
A delicate hand lands on her shoulder.
“Hey Becs, mind if I sit?”
Beca just gives a little shrug.
The tall, slender figure sits down next to her on the pebbles. Out of the corner of her eye Beca sees a flash of dark curls.
“I saw you walking away from the set, I thought maybe you could use someone to talk with? But if not maybe just some company? I don’t want to intrude but I noticed you seemed kinda upset, so I followed you. I’m sorry Bec, I’m not trying to be a stalker or anything I just care about…”
Beca cuts the girl off with an exaggerated huff.
“Geez Legacy do you ever take a breath when you’re talking?!”
Emily just smiles a little sheepishly as Beca looks at her.
“Do you want me to leave…?” The younger girl questions uncertainly.
“No, it’s okay. I thought I wanted to be alone, but maybe that’s not the best thing for me right now.”
Moving in a little closer Emily’s shoulder brushes up against Beca's.
That little bit of physical contact, the kind that Beca used to hate, makes her façade crumble.
She leans into the younger girl, and Emily’s arms wrap around her, Holding her tight.
Beca lets the tears fall again. But this time they aren’t silent. She lets all of the emotion, the hurt and pain and confusion pour out of her. And Emily holds her through it all, not saying a word, just letting Beca cry.
She cries until there are no more tears. But still the girl doesn’t let her go.
When Emily feels that Beca has calmed down a little she moves just enough so she can push the hair from Beca’s eyes and look down at her.
“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, but I can be a pretty good listener if you need Becs.”
Beca smiles at this because usually Legacy is a chatter box, she almost can’t imagine the girl being a good listener… but then again, she’s different than she was when Beca had first met her. No longer that awkward and giddy freshman, Emily's more mature and refined, still a little goofy at times but she is the leader of the new Bellas. She’d led them to two more national championship titles and was well on her way to a third during her final year at Barden.
When she looks up into big brown eyes she’s sees both girls, the silly freshman and the confidant captain. In a way Emily remind her of herself in that transformation. Because when Beca looks in the mirror she sees two different girls too, and it would be easy to say that one is the 'before the Bellas' and the other the 'after the Bellas' versions of herself, but that isn’t really what she sees. What she sees is the 'before Chloe' and 'after Chloe' versions of herself.
Beca sighs, and decides she likes the ‘after’ version of herself a lot more.
“I’m in love with Chloe.”
Emily looks down at the top of Beca’s head as the girl confesses her secret. The younger girl is surprised that Beca is opening up to her, although she isn’t exactly surprised about the nature of the confession.
Knowing the situation is delicate Emily hesitates before responding.
“Have you told her that?”
Beca shakes her head.
“I didn’t exactly know until, well, until about the time you found me.”
“Oh. I see. I saw you leave the set, but I didn’t see the reason, did something happen with Chloe?” Emily asks in a gentle tone, not wanting to push Beca to fast.
The girl sighs and sits up pulling out of Emily’s embrace. The younger girl looks a little hurt, but before anything else is said Beca takes her hand and squeezes.
“I left because… well I left because I saw Chloe kissing Chicago.”
Suddenly the whole situation is a lot clearer to Emily.
She turns her body and takes Beca’s other hand in hers. They’re facing each other now, Beca sitting on her knees and Emily sitting cross legged.
“So you left because you saw them? Is that when you realized you love her?”
Beca looks down at her lap shaking her head.
“No, I just, it hurt, seeing them. It felt like someone had punched me and I couldn’t breathe. So I left. On my walk down here I was trying to get a grip on myself and what happened, replaying everything over in my mind and I don’t know, it just kind of hit me. Em, I think that maybe I’ve been in love with her for a long time, but I didn’t know it. And now I’ve lost her! She’s going to date Chicago and probably marry him and have aca-children and then I’ll never get to see her. Even if I did tell her she probably doesn’t feel the same way and it would ruin our friendship and I’d never see her again…”
Beca trails off as another wave of tears starts to build within her. She doesn’t want to cry anymore. She's maxed out her yearly quota.
“Hey, hey, shhhh, don’t cry Becs.” Emily lets go of one hand long enough to wipe at the girl’s tears before reconnecting their fingers and squeezing.
“I know it must hurt right now, but please just listen to me…”
Beca looks up from her lap and meets soft, warm brown eyes.
Emily smiles at her.
“It’s never too late.”
Beca opens her mouth to protest but she’s cut off.
“Beca, for as long as I’ve known you, you’ve always been the strongest, bravest and most courageous person in my life. I looked up to you, well figuratively anyways…”
Beca lets out an indignant squeak and smacks Emily’s shoulder. Mumbling under her breath about Emily being ridiculously tall.
“Let me finish! I’ve always looked up to you Beca because you are the kind of person who never gives up, who is determined and resilient and strong. I’ve always wanted to be just like you, before I even knew you I wanted to be like you. After I became a Bella that became even more true. I see what kind of person you are, even when you hide behind the sarcasm and sass. What I’ve also seen is how Chloe looks at you. You can’t deny that you already know Chloe cares about you, because anyone with eyes can see that.”
Beca just nods, because she does know that Chloe cares about her.
“But maybe what you haven’t seen is the way she looks at you when you aren’t watching. How she talks about you when you aren’t around. How she will literally tell anyone willing to listen how amazing you are. How any time you’re around her smile is 100x brighter. I can’t say for certain how Chloe feels, only she can do that. But I can say that you are a huge part of Chloe’s world, maybe even her entire universe judging by the way she looks at you. And even if she doesn’t love you in the way you want her too, I honestly don’t think it would change a thing for her.”
Beca lets Emily’s words settle over her. She’s terrified of losing Chloe, but if she doesn’t say anything she’ll always wonder, and in a way if Chloe isn’t in love with her, things have already changed because of Chicago, because of her career.
“I know you’re probably right Em, I’m sure Chloe will still be my friend, and I mean if she doesn’t love me she’ll have Chicago so things will already be different than they’ve been, so maybe telling her is the right thing, things are going to change wither way... But I honestly don’t know if I can do it. I don’t think I can say it to her. I’m too afraid…”
Beca hates admitting that, hates that it makes her seem weak.
“It’s okay to be afraid Beca. Things in your life are changing, but I know how strong you are, and I know you can do this. You deserve to know, and Chloe deserves the truth. No matter what the outcome, things will be okay.”
Beca just stares at the other girl again. She can’t believe how much Emily has changed.
“Damn Legacy, when did you get so smart?”
Emily lets out a characteristic snort and blushes.
“There’s my nervous little freshman!” Beca says with a small laugh.
They smile wider at each other.
“Thanks Em.” With that Beca squeezes the girls’ hands again and stands up pulling Emily with her.
---
They walk back to the hotel in silence, shoulders brushing occasionally.
The ache in Beca’s chest is still there, but it isn’t as strong. The whole way back she runs through various scenarios in her head of how she’s going to tell Chloe. All of the possibilities seem wrong.
The closer they get to the hotel the more nervous she starts to feel.
Sensing this Emily drapes an arm over her shoulder.
When they arrive at the hotel, Beca’s finally got a plan worked out. First, she’ll go up to her room wash up and put on a different outfit. Then she’ll text Chloe and ask her to come up to the hotel terrace, which will hopefully be empty. She’ll grab a bottle of wine, which will be good regardless of the outcome, then she’ll tell Chloe how she feels. Simple as that.
Except when she enters the lobby there’s a loud scream and suddenly her arms are full of someone. A very redheaded someone.
Emily’s eyes go wide and she steps away from Beca giving them some space. Emily notices CR, Fat Amy, Jessica and Ashley all standing around the lobby staring at Beca and Chloe with expressions ranging from worry to confusion.
“Beca?! Where’d you go? I’ve been so worried!” Chloe’s voice is muffled, her face buried in Beca’s shoulder.
“Yeah Shawshank? Where the hell did you go? And Legacy! You too? We wanted to celebrate after the show but no one could find you or shorty here” she gestures at Beca, who is still in Chloe’s embrace.
Emily just shoots a pointed look at the two girls then nods her head towards the door. All three of the other Bella’s understand what Emily is trying to wordlessly convey.
Amy begins to protest when CR comes up behind her and starts shooing her towards the door, closely followed by Jessica and Ashley.
“Come on Amy, Legacy is going to come with us and we’ll get the party started. We gotta find Flo, Lilly, I mean Esther, and Aubrey anyways. Beca and Chloe can join us later.”
Again, Amy tries to protest but before she can say anything Jessica and Ashley each grab an arm and drag her from the lobby.
By now Beca has wrapped her arms around Chloe’s waist and is holding her close. Her ginger hair smells like flowers and oranges, it smells like home to Beca.
Once all of the other girls are gone, Chloe pulls out of the embrace, Beca feels her heart sink.
But the redhead doesn’t completely pull away, just enough to look into the younger Bella’s face. There are a few stray tears sliding down pale cheeks, Chloe moves in to tenderly brush them away.
A jolt goes through the brunette’s body at the contact, she hadn’t even realized she been crying.
God she’s a mess.
Gently the other girl brings her fingers under Beca’s chin, trying to tilt it upwards.
Beca can’t quite bring herself to look Chloe in the eyes.
“Bec, sweetie look at me. Please Beca…”
Those words nearly break her. Taking a deep breath, she looks up into crystal blue eyes, a worry line pitched on the brow between them.
The shorter girl just stares at Chloe, almost hungrily. She’s looked at Chloe so many times over the past 7 years, she’s seen every possible expression on those gorgeous features. Has dried tears, smoothed frown lines and kissed soft cheeks but no matter how many times she’s seen Chloe’s face Beca realizes that it will never be enough.
She’ll never get tired of looking at this beautiful woman in front of her. The woman that has somehow managed to steal her heart.
Chloe watches the way Beca’s eyes roam over her face. There is something different about her expression and it almost scares her, so she stays silent, letting Beca work out whatever is going on in her head.
After a few long minutes Beca seems to realize they are still in a semi-crowded lobby and pulls away fidgeting nervously.
Then she looks up into Chloe’s eyes again and holds out a hand.
“Can we go somewhere to talk?”
Chloe nods and takes the hand without question, letting Beca lead her.
---
They make their way up to the roof-top terrace of the hotel. It’s deserted this time of night, only a single light illuminates the large space. Over head the stars are just visible against the black sky.
Beca walks over to the terrace and leans over the edge.
Chloe moves beside her, silently waiting for her best friend to explain what’s going on.
They stay in silence for quite a while, but Chloe doesn’t push because she knows how Beca works. Knows that the girl struggles with emotions and expressing them. Clearly whatever is going on inside her pretty head is something important.
Eventually the smaller girl speaks, but she keeps her eyes focused forwards.
“Have you ever felt like you're standing on the edge of a precipice, and everything inside of you is telling you to leap off the edge, only you don’t know what’s at the bottom. Maybe it’s the best thing in the world, or maybe you’re jumping to your death... Rationally you know it would be easier to walk away from the edge, but you just can’t do it...”
Chloe studies her friend as she talks, her brows furrowing in worry at Beca’s words.
“I mean you have two choices, jump and risk everything, or walk-away risk free, but always wondering what would’ve happened if you hadn’t been to scared to jump…”
The redhead can feel her heart pounding loudly in her chest. She’s so scared right now, and she’s not really even sure if it’s for Beca, for herself or both.
Reaching out Chloe lays a hand on Beca’s shoulder.
“Beca, I don’t understand. What’s going on? You can talk to me about anything.”
The younger girl just sighs, her eyes still trained on the darkness.
“That’s just it Chlo, I’m on that precipice. I want to jump, but I’m scared. No, I’m fucking terrified. If I do this, if I jump, there is no going back, if I say this, I can’t take it back. It will change everything.”
Beca finally looks over at her companion. She meets blue eyes sparkling with unshed tears.
Chloe feels her heart race even faster, she thinks it might jump out of her chest, her hands are shaking, she feels like she can’t breathe. The air around them is thick and heavy. She doesn’t know what Beca’s going to say, but then a voice in the back of her mind whispers, ‘Of course you do.’
Beca doesn’t notice any of these things. Instead she focuses on those eyes. They’re the color of the clear blue sky, and they seem to shine. It’s like sunlight streaming through the clouds to make the blue sky even brighter.
In that instant she thinks about her own eyes too, how she’s never really liked the dark blue color, they’re less like the sky and more like the dark depths of an angry sea. But somehow that almost fits. Because the line where the sky meets the sea is always the most beautiful.
That realization gives her the courage to take the jump.
She meets Chloe's eyes again.
“I’m in love with you.”
The redhead lets out an audible gasp, because she realizes what Beca had been saying before about precipices and jumping and risk…
She stares at the other girl for a long time, and she can visibly see Beca’s courage faltering, can see her hopes draining away. But Chloe is too stunned to speak so she does the only thing she can even think of.
She reaches out her hands to Beca.
The younger girl watches Chloe’s reaction with uncertainty, when the redhead reaches out, she reaches back.
The other girl pulls her a little bit closer but still doesn’t say anything. Then Beca realizes she’s waiting.
“Earlier tonight I saw you kiss Chicago. And it hurt, it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me, my heart felt broken. I didn’t understand why, but I just knew I needed to leave. I went down to the beach and just sat there, staring out at the water. The entire time all I could think about was you. How you smile at me when I say something sarcastic, or how you fit so perfectly into my arms when we snuggle. How your hair smells like flowers and oranges and it makes me think of home. How your laugh sends an electric current into my bones, how I would do absolutely anything to make you happy. How when I think about my life in the future there is only one thing that’s clear, and that's you. I know you probably don’t feel the same way, and it’s okay if you don’t, but I needed you to know. Some how you’ve managed to make it inside my icy heart. You’ve become my entire world. I love you Chloe Beale, with every fiber of my being.”
Chloe can feel the tears streaming down her face as she stares at Beca. Beca who has just poured her entire heart and soul out for Chloe. The soft and vulnerable Beca that only she ever gets to see.
She thinks about everything the brunette has said, thinks about the way her own heart races when Beca is near, how she is always aware of the smaller girl’s presence even in a room full of people. How she can’t sleep without Beca laying in bed beside her, how the thought of a future without her seems like no future at all.
Chloe has, on occasion thought about Beca in more than a friendly way, but she’s never really analyzed those feelings, they're just Beca and Chloe. They're Bloe! (As Amy insists on calling them).
She lets her mind stray, for a moment, to Chicago. He's cute and funny, definitely charming and not a bad kisser. She likes him, maybe given time she could’ve even loved him.
If Beca hadn’t taken the jump, had retreated from the precipice, Chloe’s almost certain she would’ve and she probably would’ve been happy.
But Beca HAD jumped. And the truth is, Chloe already loves Beca. Loves her in a way she’s never loved anyone else, in a way that, she knows now, has never been platonic. She’s IN love with Beca. She always has been.
The entire time Chloe’s revelation is going on inside her mind, Beca stares at her, breath held, waiting.
Chloe's next words will change everything.
But then she looks up into Beca’s eyes, a huge smile spreading across her face. A smile, that Beca thinks, is more beautiful than the sun, or the moon or all of the stars in the night sky.
For the second time that night Beca finds her arms full of a certain redhead. Except this time, Chloe’s lips find hers in the darkness.
They kiss until they're both breathless. Chloe's arms around the smaller girl's neck, Beca's tenderly caressing a petite waist.
In the dim light, the stars shining above them, the two girls rest their foreheads together and it's Chloe's turn to jump.
"I love you too Beca."
And just like that, everything changed.