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When Jared saw a familiar bundle laying motionless under the tree, he felt the entire world come to a stop, as if holding its breath.
He wasn’t sure what to expect when he got the text from Evan the night before. After all, they hadn’t really spoken to each other ever since that time. When they yelled in each other’s faces and said things they learned to regret later, but never bothered to do anything about it.
Until now, it seemed. Seasons passed, and before they knew it, winter was just around the corner. Jared felt his days turn colder and darker and emptier than it ever was, reflecting the chilly atmosphere around him.
He wished he could say that this wasn’t about Evan. That this was just some seasonal depression that he could handle and get over given the time, and that things would be better after a few movie marathons under a comfy blanket or listening to some feel-good music that he could sing aloud to and forget about everything for a bit.
But… this wasn’t that at all. He wasn’t really sure what it was, just that it revolved around Evan. Which was just perfect, if he could say so himself.
He hated thinking about Evan. Honestly, before the Connor Project, Jared couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t hate Evan. With his dumb stutters and weird obsession with trees and stupid writing skills that everyone loved to praise and his kind heart and shy smile and the way he’d always refer to Jared as his friend despite being family-friendzoned multiple times, and the way his eyes lit up when talking about his favourite book or a fun recipe he found online or his annoying little crush on Zoe Murphy.
And Jared wondered when it all began to change, or if hate was ever the right word at all. When senior year started and he noticed Evan looking more alone and sad and lifeless than ever, hiding it all behind the “funny story” of his casted arm. When the whole misunderstanding about his sex letter led him into a road he couldn’t turn back from, and a series of fake emails and a student group that further derailed him from the original path. When he started dating Zoe Murphy, enjoying life as a celebrity, and constantly running off to his perfect fake family. Or when his letter made itself public and Evan somehow went back to being alone and sad and lifeless once more.
Somewhere along the way, Jared felt that some things had changed a bit. Or perhaps they’ve always been there and he’d just realized it, just begun to acknowledge it.
He wished he could say that this wasn’t about Evan.
But it was, and Jared didn’t know what to do about it, or what to even think of it other than the fact that things would’ve been so much easier if he actually hated Evan at all.
He remembered the day Connor’s supposed “suicide note” was posted online for everyone to see. It didn’t stay up very long; it was taken down a mere two days after, but by then it was too late. The damage, especially towards the Murphy family, was done.
All because of a letter that was never meant to be a part of the story. But nobody knew that, because the story had been twisted and broken down and rearranged into something else entirely. And everything that it used to be was now lost in a pile of rubble made by dirt-covered hands scrambling desperately for signs of a life that wasn’t there.
But Jared was one of the few who knew the truth.
And despite how much he hated Evan, especially after their big fight, Jared had to admit he had never been so goddamn terrified as when he realized that that letter was all Evan.
All that sadness and loneliness and emptiness that encompassed Evan during the start of senior year were all laid out on a single sheet of paper, with words that held so much power and yet so little life. It had been an assignment for his therapy sessions, but the moment it got into the wrong hands, it became a freaking suicide note. A goddamn suicide note, what the hell? It wasn’t as if Evan had really been—
Jared never dared to finish that thought. For some reason, it made his heart shrivel up and break apart, as if he had inhaled poison and was slowly dying.
Because while he was still upset and hated Evan with every fibre of his being, he could never bring himself to imagine a life without Evan. It was unthinkable, it didn't feel right. Nothing would be the same.
Maybe that'd be a good thing, because then Jared wouldn't have to pretend 90% of the time and bury away feelings that were too complicated for the human mind to decipher— but it was because of Evan that he was starting to understand these feelings. It was because of Evan that he was learning to understand himself. Evan was... important to him.
And he'd be damned if Evan chose to disappear before he could ever let him know.
Which was why his mind was frantically repeating don't you dare don't you dare don't you dare as he sprinted towards the bundle on the ground and knelt down next to it, turning it in his arms.
"E-Evan?!" he shrieked. Placing his hands on either side of the unconscious boy's face, he gave him a small but urgent shake. "What the hell did you even... I swear to god if you called me out here just to leave me like this—"
At one particularly hard shake, Evan's eyes snapped open in surprise. Jared cut himself off and stared.
"Jared...?"
His voice was soft and almost frightened, as if taking precautions. Jared wasn't sure why.
They continued staring until Jared realized that he basically had Evan in his lap and his face cupped in his hands and their faces about three inches away from each other. And then Jared felt his cheeks heat up and averted his gaze to the ground.
"What were you thinking?"
Evan blinked. "Um..."
"Were you actually planning on freezing to death? Out here on your own?"
"I— no, I..."
"You texted me so that I would come running over to find your dead body—"
"Jared, no! It wasn't— it wasn't like that..." Evan blurted out, then looked away sheepishly. "I just, um... I fell asleep. W-Waiting for you. I'm... I'm sorry. F-For worrying you..."
You scared me to death, dumbass, was what Jared wanted to say. But Evan looked unscathed and alright, aside from the dark shadows underneath his red-rimmed eyes and the snowdust plastered on the side of his face from where he had been lying on the ground. Jared wanted to brush away the snow and ask him if he was hurt or if he was cold or if it was okay for Jared to still be holding him in his arms the way he was—
But what came out was a scoff that sounded fake even to his own ears, and: "I wasn't worried. I came here to kick your ass, so I had to make sure you were alive enough for me to do it."
"O-Oh," Evan said quietly. "I was... I was kinda hoping you'd want t-to do that."
"You want me to kick your ass?"
"I wanted to talk to you..." Evan's voice was suddenly shaky. "And if it means you're only going to- to kick my ass then... then I'll take it. I just want to talk to you."
"You've had months to come and talk to me, dude. But you didn't," Jared pointed out flatly.
"And y-you've had months to come and talk to me, but you didn't either!"
"Because you're the one who made it clear you didn't need me anymore—"
"Well, you're always making it clear you only talk to me because of your car insurance—"
"Okay, you know what? Good talk," Jared snapped, pushing away the boy in his lap. This was a ridiculous waste of his time and he couldn't believe he was actually worried for no goddamn reason. What a nice way to remember just how much he really hated Evan Hansen and should just walk away and leave him to freeze all by himself—
Before he could even get on his knees, he was knocked back down into the snow, hitting the icy ground with a dull and crunchy thud. Head reeling, he groaned and took into account the blanket of warmth that was currently draped over his body and tensed.
Evan was on top of him, face buried in the crook of Jared's neck and fingers gripping tightly onto Jared's forearms with both their legs intertwined. Jared found that he was actually quite content where he was.
Not that he would ever admit that to anyone, ever.
"Hey, what—"
"Don't leave..."
Jared felt his breath hitch, but stayed silent. He could hear soft sniffling from the other boy, and soon enough his shoulder was wet with cold, sparkly tears.
"Please don't leave... J-Jared, I... I'm so sorry!"
With his mouth pressed into the collar of Jared's thick coat, Evan's voice was muffled and garbled, broken occasionally by loud sobs. But Jared could hear him perfectly.
"For what?" Jared asked, even though he knew where this was going.
"F-For... everything! I'm just, I'm so— I'm so sorry..." Evan croaked the words out, as if it was getting harder for him to think and speak at the same time. "I sh-shouldn't have abandoned you, the way I did. I... I shouldn't have s-said the things I said, b-because you were right. You were right all along, and I... I didn't—"
Confused, Jared shook his head as much as he could while being held down and surrounded by mounds of snow. "Wait, wait. What was I right about?"
Evan closed his eyes and took a moment to steady his breathing before he answered. "A-About... about Connor, being dead... was the best thing to ever h-happen to me," he choked at the end of his sentence and cried a fresh new wave of tears into Jared's shoulder. "And that— that it wasn't about h-helping the Murphy's anymore... and that I've f-forgotten who my r-real friends were... I- I hurt all the people who've been trying to help me, and I can't— I don't...—"
He broke down into sobs, and Jared could do nothing but stare into his dark golden locks, trying to comprehend everything that was just revealed to him.
He had been... right. It hadn't seemed all that terrible when he had been spouting these truths in Evan's face— he was just trying to knock some sense into the boy, that was it— but he realized that perhaps all this time he hadn't really counted on himself being right at all. Maybe, just like Alana and the Murphy family, he had secretly been hoping for the opposite. For the sake of a better outcome.
Unluckily for all of them, nothing good came out of this sick mess at all. Jared wondered if there was any hope left to fix things, to fix each other. But as he slowly brought his arms up and around Evan, holding him securely against him by the waist and the back of his head, Jared felt that maybe... this was a good enough start.
Evan leaned into the touch and let out a tired, wavering sigh. "I just... I just wanted to be a part of something..."
Jared had heard that line before. It suddenly held so much meaning and emotion than when he had read it through a glass screen, pasted on the Connor Project blog for everyone to see and manipulate for their own purposes. But those people didn't know Evan, not the way Jared did.
So he said, as gently as he could, "I know. I know, I mean... I did too."
The other boy responded with nothing, but it was obvious by the way he suddenly became still that he was waiting to hear more. Jared continued, "Look, it... it sucked, okay? What you said to me that day. But that doesn't mean it wasn't true. Actually, it only hurt because it was true. All of it."
He could feel Evan trying to turn his head to look at him, probably in surprise, but with a firm hand, Jared held the other boy's head down. He could not handle looking into Evan's tear-streaked face right now, not when he was about to give out his own confession.
"It's not to say that I don't have other friends because I do, mind you. It's just that, you... you're the only one that ever mattered. I mean, I know I was never... you know, the nicest guy around, but you're always putting up with all my bullshit and coming back to me when not a lot of others would, and that's— that's kinda why I wanted to do the same for you."
Evan's eyelashes brushed softly and repeatedly against the skin of Jared's neck as he blinked. "The Connor Project..."
Jared let out a huff. "Yeah. I was never really into it in the first place. I was just... doing whatever. As long as you were there too."
"Jared... I didn't—"
"Which is why it's only fair that I... that I apologize too. For everything," Jared said the last two words teasingly, earning the tiniest chuckle from the other boy. "I've had the rest of the year to think, and... try to sort out what I've been feeling, and what you've been feeling. And I think I kinda get it now, so that's why—"
"You're talking... about the letter, right?"
There was something different about Evan's voice all of a sudden. Something secretive and withdrawn and just a tad regretful. An unsettling feeling began to coil in his gut as he waited for Evan to say something, all the while debating with himself if this was something he even wanted to hear.
Slowly, Evan detached himself from Jared's tight embrace. He didn't go too far— he kept his hands steady on Jared's chest and his face hovering a little above Jared's, so close their noses were just almost touching. He stared down at him for a while just as Jared stared back up at him, taking in his puffy eyes and red cheeks and the dried snot and tear marks all over his face and his ruffled up hair and his slightly quivering lips...
Holy hell, he was stunning. Broken and lost and in a kind of pain only he could feel and endure, but overall he was sunlight and growth and hope and strength and so so beautiful that Jared had to remind himself to breathe for a minute. Resisting the temptation to surge up and kiss him until they both melted into the snow underneath, Jared tightened his grip from where they were resting on Evan's hips before letting him go.
They both stood up, wordlessly dusting ice sprinkles off their coats and hair and faces. Then Evan walked over to the tree he had been lying close to earlier and placed a hesitant hand on the lowest branch. Behind him, Jared stayed where he was, a little afraid to know what Evan was up to.
When Evan turned around, he gave Jared a sorrowful smile and said, in a voice that resembled shattered glass, "This was where it all started."
It took a while for Jared to get a grasp on what he was referring to. He flicked his gaze from Evan to the tree, then back to Evan and on the hand resting on the branch and then it clicked and Jared felt his insides rot.
"You mean, this was the tree... where you broke your arm? The tree you fell out of?"
Evan began absentmindedly picking on the wood of the branch as he broke eye contact. "Y-yes, and... and no."
"I have no idea what you're talking about, bro," Jared raised both arms on either sides before letting them fall back.
When Evan spoke again, his voice started to crack. "The summer, b-before school started... I just, felt so alone. I felt like I was— like I was no good to anyone alive... not to you or my mom or c-certainly not my dad, and that I was just... sort of in the way. Like no one would even notice if I— I just wanted to d-do everyone a favor a-and..."
Jared was going to be sick. The dark feeling in the pit of his stomach suddenly grew tenfold, engulfing him and eating him from the inside out. His ears were ringing an empty noise, chanting he tried to he tried to he tried to he tried to and it was too loud and too quiet at the same time. It felt like there were giant claws clutching at his brain and it was all he could do not to hurl.
He was so busy being disgusted by himself that he barely noticed Evan making his way back to him, a mixture of concern and guilt etched on his pale face.
"Jared...?"
That same voice and the same way it was spoken, from when he opened his eyes in Jared's arms not too long ago. Funny how this time, Jared was the one who was supposed to wake up.
"Evan, you..." he breathed, and a smooth coil of cold air escaped from his lips. "You were really going to...?"
With clouded eyes, Evan locked gazes with Jared's misty ones for just a moment before looking down. That was all the confirmation Jared needed. Huffing out another cloud of chilly air, Jared turned around and began pacing, hands fisting his short, chestnut hair and pulling them lightly in frustration.
Jesus Christ, he muttered under his breath. What the hell was he supposed to do now? This certainly hadn't gone the way he'd expected it to. He hadn't even been prepared for this kind of revelation. Even though it all suddenly made sense— the letter, the need to be a part of the family and love and acceptance he never really had... it all ran so deep in a tangle of surpressed emotions that had been there all along, right under everyone's noses.
And Jared realized that he may have stepped all over it, all this time.
Maybe it wasn't Evan he was mad at, all this time after all.
"I- um... I understand if you— if you hate me now," Evan's soft, watery voice broke through Jared's whirling thoughts. "Everything I did was... it was so wrong and- and selfish and I— I get it if you don't want to see me or- or talk to me anymore because I'm such a waste of space and none of this mess would've happened if I had just done it right the first time—"
"...I would, you know."
"Huh?" Evan trailed off, looking up in confusion.
Jared didn't really want to do this. He wasn't used to opening the windows to his heart and having his emotions out on display. It was easier to have them shut and tucked away where no one, not even himself could find. It was safe. It was lonely, but at least he could pretend he was doing alright when he wasn't.
But this was Evan. Evan who could break through all of his walls no matter how many he put up, who could see the face underneath the hundreds of masks he wore and still smile at him. Who still called him a friend and asked him to come out here just to rekindle what was left of their wobbly relationship. Jared wondered how long Evan had been hurting the whole time he'd been by his side, and why Evan hadn't just left him instead. It would've been so much easier.
And the two of them would go on pretending... and no one would ever know.
Jared was so, so tired of pretending.
It wasn't like it ever did him any good, anyway.
So he took a deep, refreshing breath of air and met Evan's gaze, allowing as many of his true emotions as he could reflect in his eyes.
"I would notice, if you disappeared. These past few months have been... cold, and dark and I wasn't sure I would ever stop feeling so lost. I didn't know what to do or where to go or what I was even searching for. But I think it's... I think, it has something to do with you."
Evan let out a self-depreciating scoff and looked down at his twiddling fingers. "You're not serious. I-It can't have anything to do with me, you don't even—"
"We're friends though, aren't we?"
A pause.
"I..." Evan hesitated.
He didn't try to say anything else, just continued staring downwards, making it hard to read his expression.
Jared wasn't surprised, but he wasn't about to back down either. He made it this far, didn't he?
Walking over to the trembling boy, he gently placed his hands over Evan's to still them, prompting Evan to timidly look up.
"How about a little trust fall, huh?"
Evan widened his eyes. "Wh-What are you—"
"We're gonna climb this tree," Jared tilted his head to the tree Evan had been leaning against. "Together."
"I— Jared, are you crazy? It's c-covered in snow, and the branches are slippery and w-we could— we could fall a-and..."
"That's why it's called a trust fall, silly. I won't let you fall," Jared squeezed his hold on Evan's hands, strong and sure. "And if you do... I'll catch you. Whatever happens, you're not... you're not alone. Not anymore. Got it?"
He lifted his head and was met with Evan's tear-filled eyes. A whirlpool of emotions swirled in those grey-blue orbs, some of which Jared recognized as doubt and fear and confusion and guilt and maybe just a spark of hope. It wasn't good enough— he wondered if it ever will be— but it would have to make do for now.
Slowly, he guided Evan to the lowest tree branch and gave him a smile from the heart. Something he hadn't done since the entire tragedy of the past year. Or perhaps, even long before that.
"Come on," he urged. "Let's climb up while the sun's still out. I think we both need a little of that right about now."
Evan sniffed and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his coat. Though he tried to hide behind it, Jared noticed a shy smile peaking through, and at the moment the world seemed a lot brighter.
They probably wouldn't make it to the top, not in one go, anyway. But as long as they had someone to hold on to them when they slipped, or give them a hand when they couldn't find another foothold... as long as they kept climbing, together, they'd reach the light someday. Jared was sure of it.
They started to climb, and never once did Jared let go.