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The roof of the Institute was well known for occupying Shadowhunters who had a lot on their mind and needed a break. It was like an unspoken rule, that if someone was up there, they were to be left alone unless they were needed for something important. Some of them refused to use it, too afraid that the others would see them as weak, but Alec went up there frequently. It was his place to take a breath of fresh air and calm down, to close his eyes and listen to the city traffic and just stop thinking for just a few minutes. It was the place that had helped him stay sane all of those years when he forced himself to follow every command while simultaneously trailing behind Jace and Isabelle on their unsanctioned missions, making sure they didn’t get killed.
But most importantly, he used it during all of the years that he had been ready to explode, his insides vibrating with anger, because he knew that he would never be able to have everything he wanted. He could either continue on the path he was on, and eventually become Head of the Institute and hold his desires in, or he could step over the line that the Clave had so clearly drawn and be with someone that he actually loved, be happy, but give up his dream job. For most of his life he hadn’t seen the latter as an option. He pushed it out of his mind, saw it as an impossibility, and let the anger keep stewing inside of him.
Then he met Magnus Bane, and suddenly his world was not black and white anymore, but a kaleidoscope of color that blinded and confused him. His heart raced and his breath stopped and he was an absolute mess, and what was worse, he liked it. He liked how Magnus made him feel, looked forward to it whenever they were in close proximity, even though he knew that in order to really embrace that feeling, he’d have to give up everything he had ever dreamed of. There was something about Magnus that he couldn’t stay away from. Maybe it was because no matter how many times the Shadowhunters bothered him, brought him into their problems without so much as a warning, he never once hesitated to help them. He was so caring, so selfless, and it was one of the many things that Alec admired about him, which was why he was currently so angry at himself for taking advantage of Magnus’ patience.
He didn’t know why he was doing it. He knew that he was being ridiculous, and that Magnus of all people didn’t deserve to take the heat for what was going on, but he was so…infuriated. No matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t protect his siblings, his parabatai. So he was on the roof, attempting to find some semblance of rationality before he headed back downstairs to continue searching, when he heard footsteps behind him. There was a siren blaring on the street below, and the pressure in his brain felt like it would never go away, but Magnus’ presence calmed him somewhat, brought him back to reality for a moment.
“I’m sorry,” he began, the words slipping out of his mouth almost without his permission. He found that when he was around Magnus, he said things that he normally wouldn’t. He didn’t feel as much of a need to hold back as he did with others. He didn’t know whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. “For how I reacted before. It’s not personal."
He heard Magnus hesitate behind him, his steps faltering briefly, before he continued forward again. “I get it,” he said softly as he moved to stand beside him. “I’m a lot to get used to.” Alarm bells went off in Alec’s mind at that, and he turned, shaking his head adamantly.
“No,” he interrupted before Magnus could continue whatever he was about to say. “No. The way I’m- this isn’t because of you. I’m just- I can’t get a grip, okay? I’m trying, but it’s like my entire world has been flipped upside down in the past few days, and I need to get my footing. I just need to figure out which way is up. Everything is complicated right now, but you…you’re not complicated. You’re perfect.”
He knew that blood was pooling in his cheeks as Magnus stared at him, his eyes just a little bit wide with disbelief, and he wished that he would smile. He was so beautiful all the time, but especially when he smiled. Alec was lost in his eyes when he slid his hand forward so that it rested on top of his own, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe again.
They had a long road ahead of them, most likely with many obstacles along the way, but that feeling of comfort that rushed through Alec’s veins with just a small touch and a glance was exactly why he knew he had to fight for what he wanted. He wanted to get to know Magnus, to become accustomed to the brush of their skin and intensity of their glances. He wanted to prove to the world, and to himself, that kissing this beautiful man in front of everyone who was important to him was the start of something bigger.
He wanted Magnus to be the reason that he didn’t feel the need to go up on that roof anymore.