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Katsuki woke up- still tired and confused; like he hadn’t even slept at all. Normally by this time he was up and training, but he hadn’t fallen asleep until the sun peaked over the horizon and it didn’t seem like he was going to be adhering to any sort of schedule today.
Luckily for him it was a Saturday; which meant he didn’t have to worry about the repercussions of not showing up to school on time. Which would certainly have not happened given that it was probably afternoon by now.
He stared at the ceiling- what was even going on anymore.
Everything he thought he knew; everything he based his thoughts and actions around for the past ten years was being questioned. He was questioning it- because; why shouldn’t he be able to have nice things?
He worked hard- and he trained, and he was a; relatively good person. Okay maybe not but he could be, and Izuku- he was nice.
Not that he was some sort of prize to be won- just that; fuck why was this so difficult.
He couldn’t even think about feelings without getting all fucked up inside- he supposed it was his own damn fault for suppressing them for so long, but really? Why was this so hard?
His thoughts migrated back to the day before-
The rain had fallen lightly on his face; silence almost deafening- daring him to say something, to fill it. And all the sudden; Deku was right there- inches from his face telling him that he missed him of all things- “I miss you” he had said- when he stood right in front of him.
And he understood- he knew what he meant because he was there, but he wasn’t there. Hadn’t been there in god knows how long because it wasn’t safe- because he was being self-sacrificing because that’s what heroes do- and now here they were.
And none of Katsuki’s excuses meant shit anymore- he wasn’t protecting anyone. Deku had proved that he could hold his own against- anything the world threw at him.
He wasn’t a quirkless loser anymore- he could have all the things he had always wanted as a kid and the only thing standing in his way was himself. But he didn’t know how to get out of his own way, he didn’t know how to just- put himself out there because he had spent so long thinking about it; building it up in his head that he just wasn’t sure he would be able to follow through with it.
It was a dream that’s all- Izuku Midoriya was a fucking dream and it was just a little bit too much to hope that he could really have him.
But- maybe; maybe he could stop being such a dick to him- sometimes at least.
Because it wouldn’t kill him to be civil- they were going to have to work together and that wasn’t going to be easy if Deku was walking around the city thinking that Katsuki hated him or something.
Not that he had given him any other impression.
It was just that-
He wasn’t sure where they stood right now- only that the ball was in his court. Deku had told him what he thought- had told him that he was missed, and he had opened the damn door and all he had to do was walk though it.
All he had to do was- not be an asshole and they could go back- well maybe not go back to exactly the way it was before. There was too much history now; too many- bad memories. But they could start something new maybe- something healthy, and friendly.
Something Katsuki would try not to ruin with his self-sabotage and his feelings because just because Deku wanted them to be friends doesn’t mean he was signing up for the years of unrequited love baggage that Katsuki would bring to that friendship.
No that was going to have to get pushed- way the fuck down; and never be spoken about. To anyone, ever.
He could do this- he told himself, it was just Deku.
It wouldn’t be that hard.
He had sighed, finally willing himself to get out of bed because the growling of his stomach was just too much to handle at this point- and gotten up.
Except that his clothes were too loose- and they didn’t quite feel right and it took him a minute to realize that was because they weren’t his clothes; and damn if that didn’t make his heart skip a beat.
It just wasn’t fair- he grumbled to himself stomping to the kitchen and throwing together a sandwich- it wasn’t fair that it felt so right and smelled so good- like cinnamon and cloves and stupid nerd; and that a god damn sweatshirt was enough to make him feel cared about.
Because when the fuck did he become such a little bitch- when did he become that guy that walked around cuddling someone else’s sweater because it smelled like them.
And it wasn’t fair- but he spent the day in bed; finishing homework and eating sandwiches and trying to figure out how to give back the sweatshirt that he never wanted to return in the first place- and he was starting to think that this whole friendship thing might be harder than he thought.