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Izuku wasn’t sure what was wrong anymore; just that something didn’t quite feel right. He wasn’t sick; he had checked in with recovery girl and she said there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. He just felt, off.
He should probably have just written it off as nerves; could have written it off as nerves considering all the stupid things he had done in the past couple of days.
Fucking telling Katsuki he missed him; yelling it in the rain like it was a damn rom com and he had nothing left to lose. When he had everything left to lose; and if that hadn’t been enough he had given him a sweater- like he would wear it.
How stupid could he be, Kacchan would rather freeze to death than wear something that had touched him- even if he had seemed different lately.
He was probably just imagining it.
Problem was; Izuku still felt wrong and he wasn’t sure he could blame it entirely on his severe mental lapse where he tried to act like he and Kacchan had something more than they really did- it had to be more than that.
He was distracted; all of the time. He couldn’t focus on something for longer than; five minutes. He was tired, all the time and he couldn’t stop being tired unless he was feeling like his heart was going to explode and it seemed like there was just no middle ground.
Like either he wanted to sleep for days; or he could never sleep again.
And it was really starting to mess with him; and screw with his grades- and he was going to have to find someone to help him or he was going to fall apart.
He had asked Iida already; but with recovery and trying to get back into the swing of training and schoolwork it seemed like he wasn’t any farther ahead than Midoriya anymore. Honestly, he hardly knew who was at the front of the class anymore because it fluctuated so wildly sometimes.
He settled himself on asking someone for help once class was over and tried to re direct his attention towards what the class was doing. Though he didn’t think that English class could be any more boring at this point and he was struggling just to keep his eyes open.
It wouldn’t have been so difficult if he could have slept through the night; but the night before he had woken up in a cold sweat- throat raw from screaming. Phantom hands pressed tight against his throat like that day at the shopping mall and he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep again.
Sometimes he wished it was physical, he was good with physical. Broken arms; smashed ribs, those he could bounce back from. But this- this seemed ever present like a looming black cloud that would just never let him be and it made him ache all over.
The class was released, and he hung back- lingering at the corner of the room waiting for everyone to clear out so he could take a look at the class rankings they had posted on the back wall.
It wasn’t all that surprising to him to see that he had slipped down to 12th, actually it was a bit surprising to him that he hadn’t fallen off the sheet entirely- that they hadn’t made a separate sheet to put his name on and just thrown it in the trash. That was how far behind he was- how far behind he felt.
He let his eyes scan up the list ghosting over everyone until he reached the top.
Katsuki Bakugou
He shouldn’t have been surprised; after all, Kacchan was really smart and with not being dragged through that whole ordeal with Iida and Shouto it made sense that he had pulled through to the top.
His eyes slipped down the list to see who had settled in second-
Momo Yaoyorozu
He would have to ask her for help, because god knows he had already pushed his boundaries enough with Kacchan this week. He wasn’t going to be able to get away with yelling weird confessions at him in the rain, all but suggesting he wear his clothes, and asking him for help with his classwork.
He moved over to the next billboard and wrote his name on the tutor request sheet and scratched Momo’s name next to it on the tutor requested line.
There, that was done. All that needed to happen now was for a teacher to sign off on the pair and assign them a period in the day when they could work together on their work.
He also had the option of asking her privately- but he wasn’t sure they had that sort of friendship at this point and she really did seem to appreciate the rules, so he figured this time he would stick to them.
He felt a little better; though he hadn’t really done anything he had stopped completely ignoring his problems and just hoping they would go away and he was going to be proud of himself for the little things. If he wasn’t; he would just keep beating himself up about how difficult he found the little things to begin with.
Calling his friends, getting up early, getting up at all, doing his school work, cleaning his room, taking a fucking shower.
It all seemed harder than it should be, like he fought to do them all.
And he did- but he was trying not to think about that.
He had asked for help- that was a big step, he had thought about asking for weeks and hadn’t done anything and he was just glad he did something about it. Maybe his life wasn’t entirely in his control at the moment but it kind of felt like he was getting some of it back.
He went to lunch- settling down at the table between his friends, smiling when they laughed. Smiles were good, they made him feel good. They made all of them feel good- like he didn’t need to be handled with kid gloves.
He didn’t need to be handled with kid gloves; didn’t want to be. He just wanted to-
He didn’t know what the fuck he wanted, but it wasn’t those pitying eyes he got when people looked at his scars; or those concerned ones he got when he forgot to have a smile plastered on his face all the time.
So, he smiled; because the best way to want to smile was to already be doing it- he smiled because that’s what heroes do. Because that’s what All Might would do, would want him to do; because he had to.
He smiled all through lunch and forced some laughs on the way back to class and settled in his seat for math. Ready to start the fight with his attention span for the last time that day; when his desk shook at the force of a paper getting slammed into it.
“what the fuck is this?” Kacchan hissed- not as loud as he usually was but enough to put Midoriya on edge because he had not seen him coming at all.
“uh” he replied trying to take a glance at the paper that Kacchan’s hand was obscuring- god he hadn’t realized how large his hands were.
His mind flashed to images of Katsuki’s hands other places- carding through his hair, or gripping his hips thigh and pushing him against a wall- and fuck if that wasn’t the most distracting thought.
“am I not good enough for you; nerd?” he asked accusingly; and all that ran through Midoriya’s head was ‘you’re always enough for me’. But that was stupid- and clearly not what he was talking about and Midoriya reprimanded himself for losing focus- again.
He finally took a chance to really look at Kacchan- his eyes were boring straight into his soul- red; and hot and searching like he was trying to find the meaning of life in Midoriya’s eyes and he could hardly stand all the attention.
“I- uh- “he stammered still unsure of what was going on, but blushing under the pressure of his stare, “I can’t really- uh- see the paper Kacchan”
Katsuki glared at him before lifting his palm off of the sheet, there were small scorch marks around the page, but it was still clear and legible.
The tutor sign ups; that was what had Katsuki all upset? That he hadn’t been requested as Midoriya’s tutor- that was ridiculous, and he almost wanted to laugh.
He struggled in his head for what to say-
I didn’t want to bother you.
You seem busy lately.
I’m still not sure you don’t hate me, so I didn’t want to get myself killed.
I’m not sure I can handle being in the same room as you every single day.
They all seemed wrong- they all seemed; untrue.
He must have taken longer thinking than he thought he was because Kacchan picked up the sheet of paper off the desk and ripped it in half right in front of him pulling him from his own head back into the classroom.
“you’re coming home with me.” He said definitely- no questions, no hesitations and how was Midoriya supposed to say no to that- even if he wanted to.
He started to say something- but then the teacher was talking, and they were supposed to be learning so he watched as Katsuki settled himself into his own desk and tried to settle his attention on his own.
He couldn’t- of course focus on his own work because he was freaking the fuck out inside his head. He was supposed to go to Kacchan’s house? It was bad enough when the thought it would be just the two of them in an empty classroom- Katsuki fighting against his impulses to punch Midoriya in the face and Midoriya fighting against his impulses to punch Katsuki in the lips- with his lips.
He snickered to himself- because there are some thoughts that are so stupid you shouldn’t even say them inside your own head and lately it seemed like he was just full to the brim with those thoughts.
Kacchan turned his head to look in his direction; shooting him not quite a glare but not quite a questioning glance- more like a “what the fuck could you find funny about math class” kind of thing. And Midoriya just buried his head deeper into his textbook.
How he was going to get any work done with him there being all- attractive; Deku was completely unsure.
He watched the clock count down the minutes until departure- not sure if he was dreading or looking forward to their release; when the bell finally rang he was slow to collect his things- waving goodbye to most of his class mates and trying not to let his eyes linger too long on the way Katsuki leaned against the wall like one of those cool kids in a greaser film.
“I’m not going to wait all day” he prompted and Midoriya’s heart caught in its throat. It shouldn’t be as intimidating as it was but then again, half the things that seemed so easy a few months ago were now so impossible and he felt like- sometimes he was doing well if he could just remember how to breath correctly.
He shoved his things into his bag and took several deep calming breaths before walking towards their lockers.
He didn’t know what to say- thank you seemed like too little; but Katsuki had made it clear that he hated Izuku’s incessant talking. He was pretty sure that if he started talking it would be like a dam exploding everywhere and he wouldn’t be able to stop- so instead he said nothing as he grabbed his coat from the locker- pulling his umbrella from the bottom half and shuffling across the room to where Kacchan had been this morning when they got here.
There were honestly no words for what happened then- he was sure that if he pinched himself he would wake up or that maybe he had died in his sleep last night and this had all just been some weird form of purgatory because Katsuki Bakugou was wearing his fucking sweater.
He was wearing Midoriya’s sweater and it hugged all the right places and the hood was up and wrapped tight around his ears; one hand shoved casually into the front pocket like he wore it every day. Like It wasn’t Izuku’s fucking sweater. Like this was in any way normal at all- and he couldn’t fucking believe it-
Katsuki smirked at him- “your chin is on the floor- “he joked.
And that did not in any way make it any better because who the hell gave him the right to walk around wearing Izuku’s clothes-
Well, actually he had given it to him, but it wasn’t like he thought he was actually going to wear it—like in public, to school. Or at all really for that matter.
And honestly it wasn’t him wearing it that was the problem but who gave him the right to look so damn good in it? Because honestly now that he saw it; if he had the option Katsuki would never wear anything but Deku’s clothes for the rest of his life- it was so unimaginably hot, and he didn’t even know he was into it, but he so was.
“I- “he started before closing his mouth and trying to regain his composure- they still had hours of this left, still had hours of having to sit next to Katsuki and try to focus on what he was doing and pretend that seeing him in that sweater wasn’t doing things to him. He couldn’t lose his mind now. “I brought an umbrella- In case it rains.” He finally spit out dumbly.
And Katsuki just smiled at him- not a smirk or a glare but an actual smile; and it was honestly the most beautiful thing Izuku had seen in his entire life.
And he smiled back.